Trying to deal with the silence

[WhimsicalLogic]

My exBPD and I recently reconciled and tried to give it another go. While we were apart, I spent a lot of time learning about BPD (she didn’t tell me until we broke up) and myself. She jumped into a very toxic relationship that ended horribly and started therapy.

When we started talking again, she told me she “wasn’t ready” for me when we were first together because all she knew were abusive relationships. She couldn’t handle “healthy” and pushed me away. We decided we were going to keep working on ourselves, have open communication, and try to build something together. This lasted about a week. She said things were moving too fast and she wasn’t handling it well. She needed space to heal.

I told her I understood and would be here for her anyway. After a few days of silence, we began talking again. She told me she loved me even if the situation is a mess. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere and would give her the space she needed. We hung out a few times after that and texted/talked on the phone daily, but when I asked her if she wanted to grab breakfast this weekend, she went dead silent. It’s been 4 days and she hasn’t returned any messages.

Obviously, I can’t read her mind, so I have no idea what triggered the silence. I believe she does love me, but I can’t stop the irrational insecurity the silence gives me. Does she just need time to process? Is she seeing someone else now? I need to get out of my own head. I’m trying to practice mindfulness and not worry about things I can’t control or even know to be true, but it’s hard. My therapist told me I need to learn to be ok with ambiguity, especially when it comes to people’s feelings. That’s a tough task for me.  Any suggestions on how I can stop torturing myself?

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[Radcliff]

WhimsicalLogic, being with a pwBPD can be pretty intense.  While I don't mean to imply that is can be easy to go many days without contact, try to look at this time as an opportunity to do things that might be crowded out when you are with her.  Maintain contact with your friends.  Work on your hobbies.  Exercise.  Spend time with your family of origin in person or on the phone.  Read more about the BPD coping strategies.  I suppose my overall theme is to reframe it not as time away from her, but time for you.  Then, when she reengages, you'll be fresh instead of sore.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi WhimsicalLogic,

Sorry to hear about the pain you're experiencing. It is incredible how painful silence can be, leaving you in a place where you don't know if you are in a relationship or not or how the other person feels. It is hard because you want to talk, comfort, get things back on track and move forward. It doesn't feel natural to be silent. And yet this is what we are faced with. I think Wentworth has introduced an important notion here - that this will take a reframing of ideas on your part to get through such times. Personally, I get what it's like - as if the sun has gone away and you aren't sure  it is coming back or not. But I'd agree, do all you can to keep your life big and full of support and activities so if your partner does shut things off abruptly you still have a life you can recognize and that helps you feel as good as possible.

In terms of what you have learned so far may I ask what has spoken to you most? Things you've read here or elsewhere? Are you using any tools so far to find better strategies for coping with all this?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.