Looking for constructive ideas to deal with paranoia

[forlorn]

Hi! My uBPD boyfriend is feeling very stressed out these days.  I'm thinking it has a lot to do with feeling unsettled as he is trying to figure out his work situation and plan for the near future. He's been splitting where I'm concerned, and also a lot with his family.  But I'm seeing a ton of paranoia manifesting, too.  He's convinced that someone is messing with his vehicle and our home.  He won't talk about things in most places in our house - especially if there's a tv or some other form of technology, because people (government and other forces yet to be named) are listening in. 

Today my dad delivered some mail that had come to my BF's old apartment.  One of the envelopes had been opened.  It was from the sheriff's department, regarding a carry permit that needs to be renewed.  I'm guessing that the new tenant opened it without looking at the addressee. I've done that myself on occasion.  My BF is convinced that the new tenant, my dad and the people who work in the repair garage (all located in the building where he used to rent an apartment) are all colluding and are planning to set him up - to what end, I do not know, nor will he tell me. I said that my dad had told me about the envelope, and I had mistakenly forgotten to mention it to him. But that landed me in the role of co-conspirator.

So basically, reasoning isn't working.  I don't want to reinforce what he believes, because I think that will only make it worse. Staying quiet and letting him speak just seems to light the fire, resulting in long diatribes that get increasingly convoluted. 

Any practical techniques that you might have had success with?

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[Tattered Heart]

THis is one the scariest and hardest parts of my H's BPD. Nothing you say or do can convince them otherwise. Nothing can stop them from being paranoid. For me, I feel out of control and just lost about how to proceed.

Has he done this in the past before?

I think 2 things are important here:
1. Don't validate the invalid
2. Don't JADE

I used to work with a lady who had Alzheimer's. She would scream and yell about people hitting her when they were no where near her. She would talk to her mom who was dead. It was just so difficult. In my research on how to handle it, the one thing I found that helped the most was for me to understand that to them the delusion is completely real. It wasn't my job to convince her otherwise.

The other thing to do is to try to help him get centered by asking questions about the dellusions. What are some questions you could ask him that would help him see that you are listening and that you are interested in what he has to say, is non-judgmental, but also can begin leading him to reality or to seeing that he is using wrong thinking?

[isilme]

We had what seems to be a perfectly legit FEMA check come to us following Hurricane Harvey.  We did not apply for assistance as the storm's center passed just north of us, and our damage was very minor it did not seem right, but apparently, after speaking to others and even the State Comptroller's Office, FEMA sent out checks to anyone with things on their property like missing shingles and such.  This check is not a huge amount, nor is it negligible.  It would be very welcome, but H is convinced it's a scam, even though I can't see how.

I could see a scammer using our name/address and then have a check sent to an address NOT ours.  But not a check coming to his name at our home address, that he has been able to verify WAS sent by the state at FEMA's request. 

But to H, it makes perfect sense to distrust it and sit on it, prolly forever.  He gets paranoid about mail, about shredding everything, even things addressed to "Current Resident" and Ad Sack coupons.
 I have gotten yelled at for throwing such things away without shredding at least our address on them.  Sigh.  So, this sounds pretty "normal" for BPD to me.

I'm thinking it has a lot to do with feeling unsettled as he is trying to figure out his work situation and plan for the near future

This is likely the REAL issue.  But it's easier to focus on the fantasy issues, instead.  It's more comfortable in a way to focus on things that make him a victim than things like his job where he can actually have a role in improving or planning.  pwBPD are afraid of being wrong, of making decisions, and of being responsible for things.  Trying to convince himself and others that the NSA or another interloper is mseeing with his life is a "safer" outlet for his stress. 

And at times H can get pretty agitated - he (well, I do too, sometimes) lsitens to things like Coast 2 Coast AM and other conspiracy themed scenarios on the radio and youtube.  I think they can be interesting, but also don't put much stock in most of them - they sound like great fiction, and as far as I am concerned, if the NSA wants to listen to me, there ain't a heck of a lot I can do about it, so what's the point of getting worked up?  H, on the other hand, can allow himself to get worked up, and it can be tiring to try to essentially distract him from that train of thought.  This also tends to coincide with bedtime, which means he is agitated about "losing" another day because to him time only really passes if he's unconscious.  It's a little like dealing with one of our cats who really wants in the trash can.  I either need to give her something else to focus on like a toy or treat, or find a way to take out the trash so it's not there anymore.  I can't restrict H's access to the world wide web.  I can encourage he look at other things on it, though.  I suppose I engage in mild subterfuge, trying to distract him, or redirec him.

Don't come out and simply disagree or tell him he's wrong.  That's just the path to a fight.  Don't validate the IDEAS he's proposing, but the FEELINGS associated with them - "You sound really stressed."  "You sound very worried"  "It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind."  If you cans teer the conversation to his feelings, regardless of what he beelives is causing them, sometimes it can diffuse him, and you may be able to steer things to a better place. 

[forlorn]

Thanks for responding.  It's really helpful to know that this is not out of the realm of ordinary for BPD-related behaviors.

Yes, he's done this before.  But I do see that it's become more frequent and prolonged. I try to stay calm and neutral during his rants, but it is difficult to avoid getting sucked in when he starts including my family in the group of those who are setting him up. And in the wee hours of the morning, when he can't sleep and he can't find something to distract his mind, I tend to get included in the group, too. He's wakened me to ask if I've given his information to anyone, or to pose scenarios to see if I'll give the "right" answer.  Really, it feels like those times are just a fishing expedition to give him something to do with all of the angst that's built up.

Not JADE-ing is so hard!  Just in general... .it's hard! I feel attacked so I want to defend.  I feel like facts are twisted so I want to set the record straight by explaining. I think I need some major help in mastering this.

I do try to ask questions.  But I think that after a little while he gets angry because I'm not seeing his logic.  And what he's saying just doesn't make sense, so when I'm asking questions, it sort of highlights how unreasonable what he's saying really is.

A possible explanation for all of this is that it's just easier for him to believe in a vast conspiracy designed to undermine him rather than being vulnerable to past mistakes or accountability for behaviors he knows were not okay.  And I understand that it's not a conscious choice he's making.

I feel like I'm two different people - one whose compassion and care for the person she loves leaves her heartbroken over the pain he's in, and one who feels like her own sanity is at risk.

[Tattered Heart]

I do try to ask questions.  But I think that after a little while he gets angry because I'm not seeing his logic.  And what he's saying just doesn't make sense, so when I'm asking questions, it sort of highlights how unreasonable what he's saying really is.

A possible explanation for all of this is that it's just easier for him to believe in a vast conspiracy designed to undermine him rather than being vulnerable to past mistakes or accountability for behaviors he knows were not okay.  And I understand that it's not a conscious choice he's making.

I think you may be right. Sometimes these things just have to run their course. My H once began to believe we were in another dimension. He would rant for hours at a time and when I didn't agree with him, I became a part of the conspiracy against him. It was very scary. Eventually the delusion ended.

While he is like this, what can you begin doing for yourself so that you don't get put off balance emotionally or get drawn into the delusion?

[forlorn]

Wow!  Great question.  What can I do?  Truthfully, right now, I just shut down.  I feel overwhelmed, afraid, sad, alone. And those feelings are so close to the surface, because it happens so often, that before I really know what's happening I'm buried.

Would love to hear some ideas of what I can do for myself to keep from getting pulled into the delusion or emotionally wrecked. And also, when and how can I draw the line?  These conversations can last for a long time, and frankly they're draining.  During them I feel like a caged bird.

[isilme]

forlorn,

Ahead of time, when you are away, try to think up strategies to allow you to leave the conversation, the room, or even the house.  I feel that a lot of calm-time pre-planning helps me, where I can think things out like a "which-way" book, helps.  If you have a plan of action BEFORE the drama starts, the hard part is just enacting it.  At least you aren't sitting there like "what can I do" while getting ranted at.  I never storm out in anger or distress.  I usually tell him something like, "I know you're upset, but I really need to go to the store/drop this off/take care of XYZ, I will be back shortly."  He does not need to KNOW I am enforcing a boundary about not taking part in these conversations (if possible).  I just need to enforce the boundary by not taking part, and it's easiest if I can have something "important" to go do away from him.  We can be like oxygen to their emotional fire.  Just being there can feed it.  Remove ourselves, and it can die down. 

Develop habits like always knowing where your keys and wallet are, your phone, and have them in a place you can easily grab them as you walk out. 

Late night dysregulation, rants/rages that start when you are asleep, about to go to sleep, or sick - these really suck - leaving is usually not an option at 1AM on a work night.  I try to validate the feelings, not the theories, and sometimes, silly as it sounds, simply nodding and saying the equivalent of "yes, dear", placates him.  "Oh, I'd not thought of that".  "That's interesting, maybe I can read about it later.  I'm tired now and won't be able to listen well."  "Can I see where you saw that?"  H seems mollified if I watch some of his videos, listen to some of the same radio shows, etc.  Do things that make you feel like a confident, not an enemy who is judging him.  I tell myself in my head, "This is important to him, he can't help some of how he is reacting, don't JADE or invalidate", and we get past it to a new, happier subject.

It just takes time to find what will work for you - it CAN be done, but you need to feel able to make some small changes to how you respond.  Where to draw the line - only you will be able to determine the "danger-line".  It may be how long he talks, it may be fine until he starts personal attacks - this is up to you - when do you feel you need to pull out your hair?  Before that :D

You love him, so his interests should be listenable whether it's fishing, sports, or the NSA spying on him.  I listen just like I would football, about which I care nothing.  Sometimes the more vanilla our responses, the less they want to talk about it - sometimes the appeal is the unhealthy emotional charge from them talking about things they WANT to trigger us.  They can't express emotiona in a healthy way, so they try to poke at us to get us to allow them an excuse to unleash them. 

[forlorn]

A couple of small successes (which I am holding onto for dear life)!  Have I mentioned that this site and all of those who post on it are God-sends? I have been reading a bunch of threads and the insight is beyond valuable. Additional benefit - I find myself in a more stable frame of mind which allows me a split second to think rationally when things start to spin.

Last night when I got home my BF was pretty wound up.  I took a breath and reminded myself not to take it personally, and when he started telling me that he feels like everyone is judging him and talking badly about him, I was able to be supportive.  I told him that I was sorry he was feeling that way.  I told him that it made me sad to know that he felt that way, and that I love him dearly.  And I asked if there was anything I could do to help. It definitely took me out of the enemy camp, although it did open up a very long and rambling dialogue which was basically centered on his feelings that people are watching him and out to undermine him.  After a while, I noticed I was beginning to feel anxious.  I started to shut down, and then I stopped myself. Instead, I just told him that the topic was making me feel stressed out and that I needed to take a break and talk about something else. He tried to skirt back to it, but I was able to steer it away.

Later, I went to bed.  About 5 a.m. he came in the room and flipped the lights on, etc.  I could tell that he was really not okay, so I asked him if he had been awake the whole time.  He said he had been using our Kindle Fire to read new stories, and then something popped up that said that the connection wasn't secure.  Enter the conspiracy theories again.  I told him that I would research that today, and that I was sorry he was so tired and unable to sleep.  Invited him to come to bed and told him he could listen to podcasts (sports stuff) which might help him unwind and fall asleep.  Asked if it would help him relax if I rubbed his back.  He came to bed and I swear he fell asleep in seconds.  He must have been exhausted!

Today he called me at work when he got up.  He sounds very stressed again, so I'm hitting the discussion boards to prepare myself for tonight. I feel like he sort of wants me to set him off - like it's his way of venting some of the anger and frustration he has bottled up inside.  It's so difficult to hold on to sanity when you can see the storm brewing right in front of you.

[Tattered Heart]

Today he called me at work when he got up.  He sounds very stressed again, so I'm hitting the discussion boards to prepare myself for tonight. I feel like he sort of wants me to set him off - like it's his way of venting some of the anger and frustration he has bottled up inside.  It's so difficult to hold on to sanity when you can see the storm brewing right in front of you.

Congratulations on your victories! It's little things like this that can really help you latch on to the tools. Hopefully once your H gets a little more of this out he will begin to calm down, knowing that he is being heard. Try to stay in the Wisemind. When my H is like this it helps me to see him as broken and unable to control his mind instead of just being angry. It really helps me feel empathy for him.

What kind of  preparation do you think you need to do for tonight?

[forlorn]

What kind of  preparation do you think you need to do for tonight?

Well, first, I'm spending some time with my triggers:  being told that I lie and conspire, that my family members also lie and conspire, and that he is going to leave.  He never actually says he's going to leave me, but the implication is there.  I read in someone's post on a different thread that it really helped to desensitize oneself to those types of triggers so one can take away their power to reduce one's self-image and confidence. 

I've also made a mental note to leave my glasses in the car, and my coat/purse/keys on the chair nearest the back door when I get home, courtesy of the suggestion made by isilme.  I am now trying to decide what my get-away strategy could be if things head down a road that makes me uncomfortable.  This is always difficult for me, and usually related to my frantically trying to persuade him that I'm not a bad person. Normally, I leave when I am so distraught I can barely think. Fight or flight mode on steroids.  But I like the idea that I've heard before, and restated by isilme, to draw my boundary ahead of that.  Combined with a commitment to myself to be aware when I feel compelled to start JADE-ing, I think this makes the most sense. I'm not sure what reason I could give why I need to go somewhere, running through my grocery needs to see what I can need at the last minute. But if it's late at night, maybe I could use a phrase that is more related to me needing to take a break from what is happening.  Any suggestions on what I could say that is empathetic yet firm?

And I'm fortifying myself with more ideas about avoiding the ever-present compulsion to JADE.  Definitely my biggest hurdle right now. I'm sure there are a multitude of things to address in my own growth, but right now this is priority. 

Very curious about Wisemind, and I see the link on the right side of the page.  Can you tell me how this works in your life?

[Tattered Heart]

Excellent thoughts. I always find that pre-planning helps me so much more when making decisions on how to respond.

Well, first, I'm spending some time with my triggers:  being told that I lie and conspire, that my family members also lie and conspire, and that he is going to leave.  He never actually says he's going to leave me, but the implication is there.  I read in someone's post on a different thread that it really helped to desensitize oneself to those types of triggers so one can take away their power to reduce one's self-image and confidence. 

I think the Don't JADE/accusations can work together. If you know your own truth, you don't have to stand up for it and you can speak your own truth at the same time. I will sometimes literally tell myself outloud, ":)on't JADE" or if I find that I am starting to get heated I will excuse myself to the bathroom and then sit there talking myself down, telling myself things like "It's not about you. You don't have to explain yourself. You did nothing wrong so don't apologize."

Can you share some words you can use that will 1) show him that you hear him and care about his concerns 2) that you are not conspiring against him and 3) Don't JADE all that the same time?

I've also made a mental note to leave my glasses in the car, and my coat/purse/keys on the chair nearest the back door when I get home, courtesy of the suggestion made by isilme.  I am now trying to decide what my get-away strategy could be if things head down a road that makes me uncomfortable.  This is always difficult for me, and usually related to my frantically trying to persuade him that I'm not a bad person. Normally, I leave when I am so distraught I can barely think. Fight or flight mode on steroids.  But I like the idea that I've heard before, and restated by isilme, to draw my boundary ahead of that.  Combined with a commitment to myself to be aware when I feel compelled to start JADE-ing, I think this makes the most sense. I'm not sure what reason I could give why I need to go somewhere, running through my grocery needs to see what I can need at the last minute. But if it's late at night, maybe I could use a phrase that is more related to me needing to take a break from what is happening.  Any suggestions on what I could say that is empathetic yet firm?

[/quote]

I was worried the first few times I left the house. I did not know how my H would respond. I had crazy insane thoughts of him chasing me out of the house and dragging me back in. Thankfully none of those ever occurred. I also wanted to try to come up with excuses to leave the house, but I had no where to go or any reason to go anywhere. So I decided to go with the direct approach.

Like you are talking about doing if I can tell my H is agitated and I may need to exit, I leave my keys and purse in the car. If that's not possible, then I put it near the door so that I can quickly grab it before leaving. For me, my limit is if he starts to yell at me in a higher volume than just a slightly raised voice or if he starts to call names. I will firmly say something like "I do not like to be called names. I need to take a break and will be back in 30 min." I always let him know that I will be back so he doesn't think I'm leaving him forever. Another thing I've started saying that has helped remove the volume from his voice is "It's important to me that I hear what you are saying but I cannot understand you when you are yelling."

What will you set as your limit for leaving the house? How can you state what you don't like in a way that he will understand? If you leave and he begins to call or text you what will you do?

Very curious about Wisemind, and I see the link on the right side of the page.  Can you tell me how this works in your life?

For me Wisemind is something I think I"ve been practicing it, but I never really set out to do so. It's something I'm thinking about more in the last week or so because just everyday life stress has me a little off kilter. When I find myself being emotional, I take a moment to ask myself questions about what is going on, what I need right now, and how I can get what I need. If I have time I'll do a 5-7 minute mindfulness meditation (I like the Headspace app).

Wisemind in conflict is maintaining equilibrium. It's a balance between emotionalism and rationalism. If I'm being too emotional, I push my H to higher emotions. If I"m being overly rational, then I become more automatic and my H and he reacts angrily. It's constantly checking my own emotional level to make sure that I'm not taking things too personal, listening to my voice (is it loud? higher pitched?), my breathing (is it fast or shallow?), listening to my inner dialogue (am I scared? Am I walking on egg shells or being authentic? am I buying into FOG?). I guess basically it's my own self soothing so that I don't get worked up and also to be empathetic to my H at the same time.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm heading out for the day. I hope that someone else can help you work through some of your responses before you interact with your bf Let us know how it goes.

[isilme]

t's not about you. You don't have to explain yourself. You did nothing wrong so don't apologize

^^^^ YES!  This!  This is almost a mantra in my head at times, over and over as he starts getting in a bad way.

I now have ahabit of making sure my keys are in my purse, which I keep hanging off a chair near the front door.  My phone, unless it's charging is near me.  Since I can get scatterbrained and easily misplace my keys, making myself be disciplined and put them away after each use s just a  good thing anyway.

I hope things go well - I can totally see how an internet alert can lead to a rabbit hole of hacking and worse.  I also know that lack of sleep for either of you will not help.  You need rest to be at your best, and he needs his because sleep deprivations sadly feeds such paranoia.  I have gotten H to agree to drink sleepytime tea some nights, and have been very rigorous in recent years about setting "sleep hygiene" rituals before bed, to help signal it's time to calm down, I am no longer going to respond as you talk (set diffuser with breathing oils, turn off light, pull out kindle, roll over, say goodnight, etc.).  Offering backrubs sometimes helps, too. 

I wish you the best this evening.

[forlorn]

Can you share some words you can use that will 1) show him that you hear him and care about his concerns 2) that you are not conspiring against him and 3) Don't JADE all that the same time?

1) Wow!  I think I'd feel very unsettled and upset, too, if I felt that people were trying to undermine me!
2) Is there anything I can do to help?  It makes me sad to see you feeling this way, because I love you.

Now, this could open me up to him telling me that my family is at the core of this and I should give them up, to which I will respond:
I'm so sorry that I can't do that.  I love my family and I love you.  I would never consider abandoning either of you, nor will I support anyone who is trying to hurt either of you.

In a perfect world, this will work - I hope.  But BPD doesn't necessarily follow the script. So I have to be ready to flow with it. I am a mindfulness newbie, but I before I head home I am going to finish reading the mindfulness/wisemind thread. At the very least I will try to remember to

breathe>observe>feel>think>respond

I think that's what I saw... .  I like the breathe and observe first, because it will give me a moment to pause before I explore my feelings.  I'm afraid if I let myself feel first, I'll lose it.

Taking TH's idea about the mantra - Don't JADE, Don't JADE, Don't JADE with me, too. Might add ":)on't apologize" just for good measure.

What will you set as your limit for leaving the house? How can you state what you don't like in a way that he will understand? If you leave and he begins to call or text you what will you do?

I think I'm going to let mindfulness be my guide as to when it's time to leave.  By that I mean when I breathe and observe, if I notice that I am feeling afraid or panicky that will be a sure sign that it's time for a break. Likewise, if I feel JADE responses bubbling up and start to feel that I can't contain them, I'll leave.

I will state it like this:  I am feeling very stressed out.  I need to take a little break from this conversation so I can better hear what you're saying.  I'll be back in... .

I do not take my phone with me as a general rule if I leave during an argument.  I used to take it, but then I'd face the accusations that I was on the phone with my nonexistent "other boyfriend."

In addition, I have to stop by the store on the way home tonight, and I'm going to pick up some stress relief tea - maybe something with St. John's Wort or Melatonin in it.  Instead of asking if he wants some, I'll just make it for both of us.  Just a bonus if he drinks it.  I also have some candles which I forget to light.  Will make a point of doing that and setting the stage for unwinding together. 

Thanks for the ideas!  Will report in tomorrow.

[Tattered Heart]

Now, this could open me up to him telling me that my family is at the core of this and I should give them up, to which I will respond:
I'm so sorry that I can't do that.  I love my family and I love you.  I would never consider abandoning either of you, nor will I support anyone who is trying to hurt either of you.

Very close. Just a few little tweaks. Put the supportive, empathetic language for him first (because it's about what he is feeling, not you). Then state your truth "I can't do that." Dont' apologize. You are doing nothing wrong for not giving up your family.  I would also suggest avoiding "I would never" language. This can be viewed as being invalidating because in his mind you would.

I might change it to something like "I know you are worried that I will abandon you. I want you to know that you are important to me and I'm not going anywhere. And I will not support anyone who is trying to hurt you."

Can you try it again taking into consideration the suggestions?

In a perfect world, this will work - I hope.  But BPD doesn't necessarily follow the script. So I have to be ready to flow with it.

Flexibilty is important. You never know how a conversation will go. We may think they will respond one way and then they go the complete opposite way. I've found that when I'm in the process of changing my response or trying something new,  my H will come up with a response that comes out of left field. Usually it's a behavior I've never seen before.  It's almost like he starts grasping for anything that will work.

In addition, I have to stop by the store on the way home tonight, and I'm going to pick up some stress relief tea - maybe something with St. John's Wort or Melatonin in it.  Instead of asking if he wants some, I'll just make it for both of us.  Just a bonus if he drinks it.  I also have some candles which I forget to light.  Will make a point of doing that and setting the stage for unwinding together. 

I bought some lang lang/lavender essential oil a few months ago and put it in our diffuser. Knocks my H out.  We both like Sleepytime tea. The chamomile helps us both chill out when we are stressed.

Thanks for the ideas!  Will report in tomorrow.
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[aboundaries]

This sounds like it's going above your pay grade, my friend. If you think he is getting out of control, call for help so he can be evaluated and protected from himself if it goes on for very long. I know it seems extreme, but his behavior sounds pretty extreme. Wishing you the very best!