I'm struggling with a friend and could really use some informed advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I have a friend who I suspect has BPD. We were a long-distance couple for six months until April this year when, having not been able to reach him for a couple of weeks (very unusual) he answered the phone saying he had cut himself. He broke up with me a few days later, saying it would be good to speak again in the Autumn. He refused to see me then.

I was very worried about him and we reconnected in late August. We spoke most days and I was pleased to be back in each others lives, as friends. His life wasn't (and still isn't) in as strong a place as it could be, and he hasn't sounded himself since. It has since come to light that there was an attempted suicide attempt in the time that we didn't speak and he mentioned a 'personality' issue but when I've asked him to clarify since he refuses and says it's personal. He does say he's not himself but refuses to elaborate on any official diagnosis beyond saying it was called a 'mental health crisis'. He says he was hospitalised when the suicide attempt happened. I don't have any way of verifying anything he's told me, though, and the timeline doesn't quite fit right. 
He says he's getting help, mentions 'recovering' but is very inconsistent. He is paranoid, has threatened to 'pack a bag and never come back' and is nearly impossible to talk to sometimes. He's extremely defensive and finds it impossible to explain things. Parts of me that he used to really enjoy (thoughtfulness etc) he now hates - to the extent that he's asked me not to text him because he doesn't like how it makes him feel, but can't expand further. Even though we've been talking for a while he refuses to see me, or even to skype. This makes me worried there is a drug involvement. He has let it slip that he 'doesn't want me to see him like this' but his reasons for the distance change every time I mention it.

He now wants to reduce our calling to once a week. I suggested that we just have a complete break from chatting since he never engages, never has anything to say, and doesn't seem to want to talk to me, or even like me, anymore, but he seems to want the weekly call to continue. He had new friends who are in the same city as him who he says are 'better' for him than I am, and those are friends that he does mindfulness classes with, so I know I'm not a priority person for him at the moment and that he wouldn't be without support.

We aren't doing each other any good, and he blocks everything I try to do to improve this. Does the profile sound like a BPD suffered to you all? And do you think that a period of time without contact would be good thing - it's my gut instinct (I feel like I'm getting stressed and exhausted by the fast deteroration of our friendship)? If we did, could there be any negative consequences for him?

Thank you all so much, in advance!

[jk47fba]

Hello everyone,

I have a friend who I suspect has BPD. We were a long-distance couple for six months until April this year when, having not been able to reach him for a couple of weeks (very unusual) he answered the phone saying he had cut himself. He broke up with me a few days later, saying it would be good to speak again in the Autumn. He refused to see me then.

I was very worried about him and we reconnected in late August. We spoke most days and I was pleased to be back in each others lives, as friends. His life wasn't (and still isn't) in as strong a place as it could be, and he hasn't sounded himself since. It has since come to light that there was an attempted suicide attempt in the time that we didn't speak and he mentioned a 'personality' issue but when I've asked him to clarify since he refuses and says it's personal. He does say he's not himself but refuses to elaborate on any official diagnosis beyond saying it was called a 'mental health crisis'. He says he was hospitalised when the suicide attempt happened. I don't have any way of verifying anything he's told me, though, and the timeline doesn't quite fit right. 
He says he's getting help, mentions 'recovering' but is very inconsistent. He is paranoid, has threatened to 'pack a bag and never come back' and is nearly impossible to talk to sometimes. He's extremely defensive and finds it impossible to explain things. Parts of me that he used to really enjoy (thoughtfulness etc) he now hates - to the extent that he's asked me not to text him because he doesn't like how it makes him feel, but can't expand further. Even though we've been talking for a while he refuses to see me, or even to skype. This makes me worried there is a drug involvement. He has let it slip that he 'doesn't want me to see him like this' but his reasons for the distance change every time I mention it.

He now wants to reduce our calling to once a week. I suggested that we just have a complete break from chatting since he never engages, never has anything to say, and doesn't seem to want to talk to me, or even like me, anymore, but he seems to want the weekly call to continue. He had new friends who are in the same city as him who he says are 'better' for him than I am, and those are friends that he does mindfulness classes with, so I know I'm not a priority person for him at the moment and that he wouldn't be without support.

We aren't doing each other any good, and he blocks everything I try to do to improve this. Does the profile sound like a BPD suffered to you all? And do you think that a period of time without contact would be good thing - it's my gut instinct (I feel like I'm getting stressed and exhausted by the fast deteroration of our friendship)? If we did, could there be any negative consequences for him?

Thank you all so much, in advance!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello jk47fba, I am sorry to hear that you are concerned about your friend, but am glad you found us.  You asked if it sounds like your friend has BPD.  This Web site has many informative articles linked on the right side bar.  Two that may be helpful if you want to know if what you are seeing is consistent with BPD are these:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

You mentioned that you are physically separated, that he appears to have local support and not be interested in a relationship with you, and that you think it might be good to take a break from communicating for a while.  It sounds like you've thought it through carefully.  Honestly, I think you seem to have a good handle on this, and I'd trust your gut.  With some space, he may strengthen his bonds with his local friends, and you will have some peace to heal and get some perspective.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi jk47fba,

I want to echo Wentworth and concur that it seems as if trusting your instincts about contact makes sense here.  The first two years of my current relationship were long distance with these kind of abrupt breaks. It's good that you are aware what you can and cannot offer to the situation. I had a hard time figuring out about my partner's issues are, and I am still not entirely sure what I'm dealing with - nevertheless I find this site very helpful in terms of support and developing understanding. He has an intense fear of abandonment and extreme black and white thinking, but not some of the other traits. So, keep in mind, that a person can have some of the traits and not meet the diagnostic threshold, but there are still real issues here to deal with. Drug usage is another factor making things tough and I'm sorry to hear that. I've had non BPD bf's with those kinds of issues and things can get pretty out of hand.

Take your time and study the communication tools I recommend! They can help you with any relationship! Please keep talking/posting/sharing - it helps all of us improve our lives!

wishing you the best, pearlsw.