Mom with BPD at Christmastime

[Depression = 72% of members]

After going to therapy with my mom for a couple of months, our therapist told me she has diagnosed my mom with BPD. My mom is not aware of the diagnosis. The therapist suggested I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" to learn more and wrap my head around it. Meanwhile, I am trying to do small things, like bake my mom Christmas cookies, to end our fighting and move forward together. She has told me she's "not doing Christmas this year" and it is impossible for her to find any Christmas spirit while we're not getting along. She did not show up to Thanksgiving dinner and I fear she won't see me on Christmas either. Any advice about getting through the holidays with a borderline family member? Thank you so much!

[abpdaughter730]

After going to therapy with my mom for a couple of months, our therapist told me she has diagnosed my mom with BPD. My mom is not aware of the diagnosis. The therapist suggested I read "Stop Walking On Eggshells" to learn more and wrap my head around it. Meanwhile, I am trying to do small things, like bake my mom Christmas cookies, to end our fighting and move forward together. She has told me she's "not doing Christmas this year" and it is impossible for her to find any Christmas spirit while we're not getting along. She did not show up to Thanksgiving dinner and I fear she won't see me on Christmas either. Any advice about getting through the holidays with a borderline family member? Thank you so much!

[CollectedChaos]

I'm so sorry you're going through that.  The holidays are a hard time with BPD family members.  My uBPD mother used to use the same tactics as your mom is using now, as a means to control.  She wanted us to essentially beg to spend time with her, do things for/with her, etc.  Until that happened, she'd play the game of being "so distraught" that she couldn't celebrate or spend time with us.  I see it now as manipulation because she needs reassurance that she is okay, but when I was younger it was incredibly stressful and hurtful.  It is not your job to make her happy - and at any rate, it's an impossible task.  Someone with BPD will never be happy for long.

What I found helped me the most was repeating to myself that I cannot control her behavior and decisions (which is hard for me, since I was programmed to believe that my actions directly controlled hers), and if she is choosing to not participate in events or spend time with me, then that is her choice.  If it makes you feel good, leave some cookies on her doorstep if she chooses to not visit with you.  That way, you are still doing what makes you happy and not allowing her emotional rollercoaster to interfere with your desires. 

I have also found that even while difficult, attempting to move forward with my day-to-day life helps around this time of year.  Visiting with friends and other family, following similar holiday traditions in your own home, baking, cooking - all help allow you to feel as though things are still somewhat "normal," if that makes sense.  Her not being there will be a void, but don't let that mean that you can't celebrate at all.  You deserve to be happy and enjoy the holidays, even if she is not at the table with you right now

Hang in there 

[abpdaughter730]

Thank you CollectedChaos,

You obviously understand the situation well and I appreciate your perspective. Great advice, thank you! I'll continue with my holiday traditions and do the Christmas things that make me happy and if she wants to participate, she is more than welcome.
 

[CollectedChaos]

That's all you can do!  Open the invitation and if she comes, great - if not, that's okay too.  With time, you'll find more peace in that mindset, but it takes a while. 

[Mariez]

Hi, aBPDaughter!

My mom is BPD too and does these sort of things every Christmas.  To the point that I was starting to dread the holidays, even though I really enjoy them. 

She already got a head start this year and had a huge meltdown around October where she has now "disowned" my brother and I.  I have decided that I am no longer going to let it hurt me.  I was so tired of my holidays always being dramatic and centered around her anger.  It is her choice to not participate in holidays.  I am following controlledchaos's advice as well - by going about my business, being with family and friends.  It's sad that we can't have a normal holiday with our own mother, but I am ready to finally enjoy the holidays instead of dreading them!

[GeekyGirl]

There's some great advice in these posts. If you'd like to celebrate Christmas, by all means, celebrate. I like how you're going to continue with traditions either way. By offering her a place at your table (so to speak), you're being empathetic, but looking after your own needs at the same time.  That's a great approach.

What can you do to prepare yourself either way? Sometimes I find it easier to deal with a situation (especially ones concerning my BPDm) when I plan for any outcome--so whether she joins in your celebration or not, you'll be ready.   

[busybee1116]

Ditto everyone above—worded better than I could have said myself. One thing I repeat to myself—she’s going to create drama/be unhappy/complain whether I do my best to placate her or totally ignore her. The outcome is THE SAME—she is still broken.  So I might as well live my life and do what I want.  The compassionate thing to do is to keep the invitation open (and/or drop off cookies), but don’t let her prevent you from living your life and finding happiness anyway.