Hello holsw, welcome to the boards! I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of disrespect and hurtful words.
I found in my own relationship that as soon as I stopped trying to defend myself, and stopped trying to convince my wife in the moment that she was wrong, I saved myself a bunch of energy and kept from making things worse. Learning to avoid defending myself was a definite improvement. It wasn't just about avoiding conflict. By defending myself, I was essentially admitting that what my wife was saying was valid enough to be threatening. If you're getting total garbage coming at you, avoiding engagement actually shows strength. You can learn more by following this link about how not to
JADE.
You might also find this link on
Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect to be helpful.
I understand what you are saying about validation. Part of validation is avoiding validating the invalid. But validating feelings is almost always a safe bet. You mentioned that sometimes your husband is stressed about something and takes it out on you. Can you try to point him to the thing he is stressed about, and help him tap into his feelings about that, and validate them? Might there be opportunities to support him on those stressful things, perhaps pile on some validation about them, before he turns his emotions on you? I am not implying at all that you should take responsibility for his disrespect towards you. He owns it. If you try to help him, you'll be in extra credit territory, but may find that the effort is worthwhile. None of this is easy. It's pretty messy. No approach works perfectly or all the time. Keep at it.
Finally, I'd encourage you to stick with us and become a regular here. Read and reply to others' posts. Read the resources on the right sidebar and in the banner above. Become a part of this community. We are glad you are here!
WW
