after 2 months I hear from my bptraits ex

[Zen606]

Yesterday I heard from my ex -- male with bp traits. He had not answered my last text to him and I assumed the relationship was over. I was starting to move on, doing decent, working with a therapist.

Yesterday I get an email from him, I froze when I saw it because I did not expect it and I do not want to have anything to do with him although I love him still very much. Just seeing his email got me upset all over again, the memories of him have come flooding back and the possibility of being with him again comes into my head. Since I have not read his email I don't know what it says but I am so afraid of reading it because if he is saying good-bye, which he already said and I agreed -- this was the content of the last text I sent him -- then it will hurt me to have to read it again, if he is saying he wants to see me, it will also hurt because I cannot go back to that situation. I have not deleted the email but have moved it to a folder.  I am so afraid of reading it.

Can anyone give me any feedback from their own experiences about this? I have maintained No Contact with him all of this time.

Zen606

[Pencil sketch]

I broke contact with my ex, and I regret it. I can hear the pain and confusion in your message, all the scenarios going through your mind, and it's torture. I am new to this, but my gut feeling, would be to delete it, you will only get sucked onto the merry go round, and it gets harder each time.
What were you hoping/dreading to read?
Work on you, read the accounts on here, and the help links, it helps to make sense of it all.
Take care xx

[Zen606]

Thanks Pencil-
Wow what a great supportive response. Thank you.

My thoughts as well. Scared, crying and feeling much pressure to respond to the email, but after calming down and looking at it rationally I could see that I would not fall into the trap, whether he meant it as one or not, is not important to me anymore. I can't care and won't. The NC still stands for me. I won't get into the cycle again, its not a good place to be, and more than that its a repeat of my bp trait mom. Chaos, confusion, and fear were the by-words at home, and then with the "fairy tale dad" in the picture, well, this is what I am now processing in therapy.

The email, I am not hoping anything because I am not interested in being with him anymore, although I still love him. More dreading what he would say, but I'm leaving it unopened, unread. Id like to open it a year from now when I'm stronger. Hopefully I will get a good laugh out of it.

Thanks Pencil, I am definitely working on me! 
Zen606