Boundaries, or am I just a jerk?

[JustYouWait]

Got a call from DD19, who is in RT, last night.

We chatted for a few minutes and then she started in on the "I just want to come home" trope, but this time, she added the "I'm well enough.  I've done enough work.  It's been 60 days." 

She's not.  She hasn't.  And it's ONLY been 60 days. 

Against my better judgment, I engaged the conversation and told her that I didn't think she was well enough to come home, that time at the facility did not equal "better", that I felt she had a lot of work to still do, and that I felt she was "putting the time in as opposed to putting the work in", using the 90 day timeline as a countdown clock as opposed to actually doing the work.  I told her that I didn't feel like anyone could reset their personality in 60 days, to which she responded, "I don't need to reset my personality.  I am who I am".

It was then that I said, "You know what?  I'm not doing this with you tonight.  I'm tired, I've had a hell of a day, and I'm going up to bed.  Let's try this again tomorrow.  Goodnight, I love you."

I just didn't have the fight in me.  Didn't have the energy to engage the conversation with someone who, frankly, is currently wasting a ton of our money in this place.  Didn't have the inclination to explain our worry about her mental and physical well-being.  Just didn't want to.

And I can't figure out if that was simple self-preservation, or me being a jerk.

Your thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hope2727]

sounds perfectly reasonable to me   

[SlyQQ]

Can't agree on this one, I know you saw where it was going and bailed before you lost it which was fair enough, but you will end up having to play catch up, distraction sometimes can work,when you are desperate and tired, mention and old family pet that reminded you of her, tell her how well she is doing then ask if you can go to bed once you get a spark of empathy or understanding , when all else fails you say you have to go because you are so tired you can't think straight, my opinion only but they need dampners if you rock the boat it can quickly swing out of control, and no you weren't a jerk just tired and human.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JustYouWait,

Like others have mentioned, I believe it's important to remember that we are doing the best we can. We can't be "perfect" at engaging our loved ones with BPD. We need to take care of our own emotions. And it takes time to change long-standing dynamics. You saw a difficult conversation coming, and knew that you couldn't engage with it at that moment. That is an honest and important realization, in my view. You are allowed to put your needs as a priority.  

Against my better judgment, I engaged the conversation

It's a learning curve. I'm sure I'd have done the same. But we learn from every encounter, so maybe next time you'll mention earlier that it isn't a good time (when you are so tired, for example) to have that kind of conversation.

I told her that I didn't feel like anyone could reset their personality in 60 days, to which she responded, "I don't need to reset my personality.  I am who I am".

I would tend to agree that her "personality" is not going to change, per se. And feeling that her loved ones want her personality to change could be painful to deal with. She will hopefully learn to manage symptoms by acquiring better coping skills, among other things. That can lead to a much better life experience for her, which may, indeed, affect her attitude, mood, behavior, etc.

I just didn't have the fight in me.  :)idn't have the energy to engage the conversation with someone who, frankly, is currently wasting a ton of our money in this place.  :)idn't have the inclination to explain our worry about her mental and physical well-being.  Just didn't want to.

Totally get this. And you don't have to fight. It's understandable that she wants to come home and perhaps maintain the status quo, and it's just as understandable that you want significant change and progress. I'm with you: treatment is expensive and putting the work in is what is needed for results.

When you are not so exhausted next time, you might try to let her know you heard and understand her feelings. Most of us would want to go home in such a situation, I think. You can also let her know that you wanted to give her this opportunity to get quality support to make things better, because you care. You might say that you know it can be really uncomfortable, scary, etc., (it is for you, too) ... .and ... .it can really help, if she is ready to put the effort in.

You can let her know that you love her and are here for her, while still standing firm on what is going to happen (she stays in treatment).

So much easier said than done, I know.  

Is the initial timeline 90 days in this facility? What are the options?

heartandwhole

[JustYouWait]

Thank you for your post.  One thing jumped out at me:

then ask if you can go to bed

I'm not asking my 19 year old daughter for her permission for me to go to bed.  that's not how it is going to work.

[JustYouWait]

Is the initial timeline 90 days in this facility? What are the options?

Thanks, heartandwhole.

The initial stay is 90 days, with 30 day potions thereafter.  It seems that in her black and white world, she only heard "90 days" and is using that as a countdown clock, as opposed to engaging in therapy.  She's been... .resistant to therapy in the past.

[SlyQQ]

Hi Just , personally, and i realize the particular circiumstances vary widely, is that I have to step through things when my step daughter begins to act unreasonabley , I am tired can i go to bed now-

She may blow up in response , but i firmly reiterate that i need to sleep and then follow through, it gives them time to process what is happening and hopefully understand that a polite request will be followed up by firm action, directly moving to firm action i have found leads to a backlash with no time for reflection in between, this is my own modus operandi,  and I understand it might not  work for you, I certainly agree vacillation or being weak is not an option.