1 week after breaking up with BPD partner - to cut all ties or hold onto hope?

[DavidDon]

Hi everyone, I'll try my best to summarise this as short as possible and would really appreciate feedback/advice, as I'm struggling -
I didn't know much about BPD until after I started seeing my partner, who had not been diagnosed. I'm a Social Work student, and it wasn't until I had a client for work placement, whose wife was diagnosed with BPD, that I did some research and realised that this may very well be the case for my partner, who ticked the majority of the boxes. I'd only had a few short-term relationships before this and this was the first time I'd been "head over heels" in love. The relationship was approximately 13 months, and it wasn't until 3 months in that I noticed things happening, and on an almost weekly basis from then on. There was never any peace/stability, either highly passionate or things going wrong that did not seem rational and I tried desperately to fix, which as most of you probably know is emotionally draining.
I kept clutching onto the hope that things would get better and that she was just going through a rough phase.
She had a young child from a previous relationship as well, and I did my best to be a good father figure as well as catering to my partner's needs. Thankfully there were not any violent incidents, as I've read can happen with some BPD partners, but this all brought up churning-stomach anxiety that I had never felt before, trying to rationalise her behaviour when I was really trying to be the best, most-supportive boyfriend I could. And how some things she would accuse me of or give me silent treatment over, she would then do herself (or had done) in a similar vein. I called her up on these and there were many arguments.

Eventually I think I subconsciously started building up some kind of emotional wall whenever she was like this, in the last few months, just to help me cope. She would regularly complain that I wasn't spending enough time with her, even though I devoted far more of my time to her then I did my friends, family and university/college studies. She was self-aware of her intense fear of abandonment and trust issues, but only realised when it was happening the next day, if at all.
A few weeks ago, after some continuous rough patches, she discussed the future possibility of children (whilst discussing anti-fertility options), I told her it was something that I had also thought about, as I loved her very much, but told her how I was feeling and said that there were some things we had to work on. This erupted into a 2 hour emotional conversation - she was convinced that she had "ruined everything" when I was trying to explain that every relationship needs work time to time and we can fix it. At the end, she came up and hugged me, whispered "goodbye" in my ear, and we both broke down as she walked off. I headed straight to the shop to buy a bottle of scotch and called my best friend, who lived in a different state in tears, and 1-2 hours later she messaged me "I screwed up, I'll do anything for you, I love you".
We reconciled, but I asked if we could have a couple of days breathing room just so we could both get some clarity and reflect on all of it. She agreed, and said she wouldn't message me until then, but she did anyway, every day. The problems persisted, and it was one week ago that I gathered what little strength I had left and broke up with her, which was the hardest thing I've had to do in my life and went as expected, even more emotional than the breakup 2 weeks before. I told her I loved her but I couldn't do it anymore. For the remainder of the week I didn't shed a tear and was confident I'd made the right decision, even after she had messaged me a few times, saying how she loved me and would do anything, I never replied and deactivated my facebook.
But the last few days have been hardest for me and the temptation to contact her and reconcile has been so strong. Luckily I have some amazing friends who have supported me since, and they've mostly said (including my family) not to contact her. She's contacted my friend since saying she loved me, just wanted to be perfect for me and asked if I was okay, but he hasn't replied.
This is the most pivotal moment for me - to block her number and facebook, or see if there's any hope? Might seem like a stupid question, but I know my judgment is clouded as I'm grieving. I love her so much, and want whats best for her. She's such an amazing person, despite her mental health-related issues, but I don't think I can survive this anymore psychologically and emotionally. She's made me the happiest I've been, but simultaneously the most anxious.  I'm fairly sure (but not certain as I'm not a mental health professional) that she has BPD, but I've never told her, even when she's wondered out loud why she's acting that way. Basically I'm asking people on here of any miracle stories that happened, but I know I need to take this time to work on myself, and complete my studies. I have my music, friends and family to get me by.
I'm sorry this story went on longer than anticipated, but I found it therapeutic, and there was a lot of stuff in the relationship that I didn't cover.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Tattered Heart]

Welcome! SOrry to hear that things in your relationship have been difficult. You've found a great place for support.

She's made me the happiest I've been, but simultaneously the most anxious.  I'm fairly sure (but not certain as I'm not a mental health professional) that she has BPD, but I've never told her, even when she's wondered out loud why she's acting that way. Basically I'm asking people on here of any miracle stories that happened, but I know I need to take this time to work on myself, and complete my studies. .

It sounds like you are starting to get onto the right path. You are the key to your own happiness; she isn't. And that's where you can start working on you. Working on your own reactions, working on your anxiety, how to stop walking on egg shells, how to keep yourself emotionally balanced despite her imbalance. What would you say in the one thing you had the most difficulty with as a couple?

[Radcliff]

DavidDon, welcome to the boards.  I'm sorry you are in such a gut-wrenching situation, but am glad you have found us.

Reading your post brought back memories of early breakup cycles with my wife way back in the day when we were younger.

You are showing a lot of self awareness in so many areas.  Your self awareness is a great asset.  You realize that the grief may cloud your judgement.  You know you can rely on friends, family, music, and your studies to fill up your life.

One of the things we work hard at on this board is to respect each member's right and responsibility to make stay/go relationship decisions for themselves.  But I will say that if you have gotten some space to reflect and contemplate, that is a good thing.  Our pwBPD will react strongly to a breakup, and once they decide they want us back, they want it to happen quickly.  Take your time.  If it is meant to be, it is meant to be.  Don't go back out of guilt, to fill a hole in your heart, or with a magical idea that it will just work out.

When we are involved with a pwBPD, we get pulled into something called "enmeshment."  The love is so strong it feels like we are one person, and they for sure lose track of the boundaries between one person and the other, and we may, too.  To understand more about enmeshment, you may want to look at this thread on the Dangers of Enmeshment and this thread on Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.

In a nutshell, I'll say to give yourself some time.  Get past that urge to go back to make the pain go away.  Reflect on what you loved about the relationship and what worried you.  Trust yourself.  It *is* possible to have a good life with a pwBPD.  Effective therapy like DBT can be particularly helpful.  But you need to decide what is right for you.  Take your time.

Getting back to Tattered Heart's question,

What would you say in the one thing you had the most difficulty with as a couple?

Best,

WW