Staying for the children's sake not working

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Some may recall last time I posted my focus was on changing my reactions and remaining steadfast in the house for my children's sake. This strategy is failing a lot quicker than I expected, for reasons I did not foresee. Could use some reality checking advice here.

What seems to be happening is that my uBPDw's projection of herself onto our youngest child has grown more intense, resulting in blatantly unfair treatment, coddling, and tag-teaming against me when I attempt discipline (with the child lying about what they did wrong, only reporting what Daddy did wrong). Let me just say it's so bad now that I literally have to secretly tape my discipline encounters with the child who has major behavioral issues that my wife seems eager to deny. My wife's strategy is give the child everything they want for as long as they want.

At the same time, our oldest child (young teen) is undoubtedly more emotionally mature than my wife. It pains me to say that, but she is literally describing to me that mom seems childish, and reports hurtful or head-twisting things Mom says. It's quite a wake-up call to hear your own child describe the problem you've tried to deny or explain away for ~15 years.

As best I can tell I am a breadwinner who is not respected, only tolerated. These circumstances feel hopeless and unbearable to me. Maybe that's my own weakness, but it's where I am at.

My thinking is I would much rather live alone and share custody so my children enter a house where these head games do not exist and where I can provide a consistent balance of love and authority. I realize it won't be perfect but at least I could survive that. At this rate they're only going to have two unhealthy parents.

I don't know why I suddenly have realized that my wife's behavior is hurting my children, but that seems to be what has triggered my most recent breaking point. Has anyone else been at this place?

[misterblister]

Some may recall last time I posted my focus was on changing my reactions and remaining steadfast in the house for my children's sake. This strategy is failing a lot quicker than I expected, for reasons I did not foresee. Could use some reality checking advice here.

What seems to be happening is that my uBPDw's projection of herself onto our youngest child has grown more intense, resulting in blatantly unfair treatment, coddling, and tag-teaming against me when I attempt discipline (with the child lying about what they did wrong, only reporting what Daddy did wrong). Let me just say it's so bad now that I literally have to secretly tape my discipline encounters with the child who has major behavioral issues that my wife seems eager to deny. My wife's strategy is give the child everything they want for as long as they want.

At the same time, our oldest child (young teen) is undoubtedly more emotionally mature than my wife. It pains me to say that, but she is literally describing to me that mom seems childish, and reports hurtful or head-twisting things Mom says. It's quite a wake-up call to hear your own child describe the problem you've tried to deny or explain away for ~15 years.

As best I can tell I am a breadwinner who is not respected, only tolerated. These circumstances feel hopeless and unbearable to me. Maybe that's my own weakness, but it's where I am at.

My thinking is I would much rather live alone and share custody so my children enter a house where these head games do not exist and where I can provide a consistent balance of love and authority. I realize it won't be perfect but at least I could survive that. At this rate they're only going to have two unhealthy parents.

I don't know why I suddenly have realized that my wife's behavior is hurting my children, but that seems to be what has triggered my most recent breaking point. Has anyone else been at this place?

[ozmatoz]

At the same time, our oldest child (young teen) is undoubtedly more emotionally mature than my wife. It pains me to say that, but she is literally describing to me that mom seems childish, and reports hurtful or head-twisting things Mom says. It's quite a wake-up call to hear your own child describe the problem you've tried to deny or explain away for ~15 years.

Has anyone else been at this place?

I have been and continue to be at this place.  Right down to D16 often telling me mom seems "paranoid" and that she could really use a break from her.  D16 is often quick to cover things for her sister and occasionally me to keep the peace in the house.  It is sad that D16 recognizes that mom would probably not erupt if D16 says something but if I said it, watch out... .  I usually follow up with D16 and remind her that she doesn't need to do that but she shrugs me off and says clearly mom isnt going to change, I'd rather just move the conversation along so we don't have to deal with her... .

Really sad.  And yet I'm still clinging on... to what?  I have no idea.  Probably my fears of facing uBPDw in court... .

Keep us updated.

-Oz