How were the holidays for everyone?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just curious, other than some of the posts I've seen, how has getting through the holidays been for everyone?

Mine have been pretty rough with uBPDh. He has been incredibly depressed. The good news is that there is no rage, but the bad news is that he mostly neglects everything but the car and the dogs (for some reason, he takes good care of them, save for maybe taking them out for walks a bit less often). He makes food and leaves food on the counters, dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor. He leaves cups and plates around the house, and lets dust and dirt pile up. I cannot keep up. I'm constantly cleaning when I get home.

We got into a BAD car accident two evenings before NYE (we are fine, physically). He was driving, turning right on a green light, when some woman blasted through a red and hit us. It was terrifying, and it wrecked our car, our car that we flew across the country to get, and which we put a lot into. He was devastated. That night, he had a panic attack that lasted 13 hours (he locked himself in the other room at about midnight that night, and didn't come out until 1:30PM the next day).

After that, he has been barely functioning. He got to the dentist today. I don't know if he showered. He was smelling pretty bad yesterday.

So, not only do I have to pony up for a new car, I don't know if he will be able to get back to looking for work. He is talking about giving up on real estate now and going back to his ideas of making YouTube videos (great for him, because he can sit at home all day on social media and say that he's "editing" even though he's doing nothing - which is what he did for the first year of our marriage).

I am so stressed out. We never have a moment of calm. On top of this, he has been posting offensive things on Facebook and getting into arguments with my parents over it. My mom ended up deactivating her Facebook account because of it. I bought him two books, a trauma book and a DBT book, and he as refused to put much time into them. I feel very overwhelmed right now myself. It feels like too much to bear. I have visions of just taking my old dog and running away, leaving the house, leaving everything behind. I need a reality/sanity check.

[WitzEndWife]

Just curious, other than some of the posts I've seen, how has getting through the holidays been for everyone?

Mine have been pretty rough with uBPDh. He has been incredibly depressed. The good news is that there is no rage, but the bad news is that he mostly neglects everything but the car and the dogs (for some reason, he takes good care of them, save for maybe taking them out for walks a bit less often). He makes food and leaves food on the counters, dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor. He leaves cups and plates around the house, and lets dust and dirt pile up. I cannot keep up. I'm constantly cleaning when I get home.

We got into a BAD car accident two evenings before NYE (we are fine, physically). He was driving, turning right on a green light, when some woman blasted through a red and hit us. It was terrifying, and it wrecked our car, our car that we flew across the country to get, and which we put a lot into. He was devastated. That night, he had a panic attack that lasted 13 hours (he locked himself in the other room at about midnight that night, and didn't come out until 1:30PM the next day).

After that, he has been barely functioning. He got to the dentist today. I don't know if he showered. He was smelling pretty bad yesterday.

So, not only do I have to pony up for a new car, I don't know if he will be able to get back to looking for work. He is talking about giving up on real estate now and going back to his ideas of making YouTube videos (great for him, because he can sit at home all day on social media and say that he's "editing" even though he's doing nothing - which is what he did for the first year of our marriage).

I am so stressed out. We never have a moment of calm. On top of this, he has been posting offensive things on Facebook and getting into arguments with my parents over it. My mom ended up deactivating her Facebook account because of it. I bought him two books, a trauma book and a DBT book, and he as refused to put much time into them. I feel very overwhelmed right now myself. It feels like too much to bear. I have visions of just taking my old dog and running away, leaving the house, leaving everything behind. I need a reality/sanity check.

[isilme]

Wow I am so sorry about the car accident.  I was hit making an unprotected left turn once, almost totalled the car and spun me around and I still get scared.  Is your insurance going to help out?  Do you have provisions for a rental of any kind?

I'd tell your mom (and anyone else) she can simply block HIM and keep her FB account to keep up with less dramatic people - it makes it like she simply doesn't exist as far as the blocked person can tell (I have done this with my crazy family). 

It sounds like the depression that was ramping up and may have lead to quitting the job is still in full force, and now a huge stressor of the car accident has happened. 

I wish there was a way for me to take you out to a calm dinner or something.    Or come help clean.  I've been sick the last few days and so the trash has piled up.  H DID cook me dinner last night.  He hasn't done much cooking in the last few years as HIS depression kicked in and has just decreased at times but not subsided.  Means more dishes for me but I really appreciated it even though my kitchen is a bit of a wreck if I can't keep up daily. 

Our holidays were predictable.  H got anxious and crabby on the way to his parents, did okay for day 1 and day 2, and by day 3 we had to get out of there.  Things went as well as I expected, I was tired and worn out, got a small allergy-sinus infection from being there.  Got home, severe depression, cranky, eggshells for a few days and then he was "okay", but still on edge - he agreed to go out New Years, but we stay walking distance to home (college town makes it a little easier to walk to the local dive).  We are back to work this week, both of us got a cold, he's irritated with a friend because she does things he thinks are unfair to her husband (even though it's a bit laughable, he does the same to me.  On good days they even joke about being the same person).  I think he sees some of the similarities and gets upset with her for making him see a bit of a mirror at times.

You don't need a sanity check - you need rest and some help with housework and adulting.  It's very tiring to carry the whole load ALL the time.  We all try to do is much of the time, and in the best of days, it's manageable, but the well can run dry and we got tired and need a break.  Regarding the cleaning - while I know it's very galling to have a mess around, how much can you stand before you can't focus and NEED it cleaned?  Even non-BPD partnerships face the messy partner/tidy partner issue.  One person is ALWAYS cleaner than the other.  I look at some things and know that it's MY neat-needs that stress me, as the house is not in totally HORRIBLE shape because the trash is full and there are dishes to wash.  It just feels that way to me, but I know my feelings do not = facts :P and that a few days of mess for me to allot time to clean later won't kill us. I am not negating how you feel, but it sounds like you need rest right now more than a Betty Crocker home, and hope you can prioritize rest and resetting for YOU.