brother's wife

[heartbroken2009]

Hello,

I am feeling so incredibly trapped.  I love my brother, but his wife is making my life miserable.  She screams at me for no reason, and I have recently discovered that she is saying things to her own children to turn them against me and my children.  I am a very kind introvert, which is why I believe I am the perfect target for her nastiness.  I also know that her actions stem from deep, deep insecurities.  After doing some research and seeing a therapist, I believe that she is also projecting the feelings she has about herself onto me.  I don't know what to do.  I know that my brother and her children are also victims of her bouts of rage and emotional abuse, but he loves her.  Talking to him about it will destroy our relationship and I don't want that.  I just don't know how to move on. It is making me feel so depressed and holding it all in makes me feel like I have no self-worth.  If I loved myself, I would stand up for myself, right?  But, I just know that if I told her how she was making me feel, it would simply lead to another fit of rage.  Is there a way I can co-exist with a person who has BPD and not lose myself in the process? 

[Pilpel]

If I loved myself, I would stand up for myself, right?  But, I just know that if I told her how she was making me feel, it would simply lead to another fit of rage. 

I don't think it's a lack of self-love to not stand up for yourself.  With my N/BPD SIL standing up for yourself, particularly in an emotional way, often leads to more confusion and chaos.  Sometimes not standing up for yourself is just the path of least resistance.  I agree that telling her how you feel won't help.  A NPD or BPD sees the world through their own feelings.  She most likely can't empathize with you, or even imagine how she looks through your eyes. 

With a N/BPD I think it's better to not tell them how you feel or how they make you feel, but to tell them what your boundaries are, what is okay or not okay.  If you need to tell her no, just say no and don't explain why.  If she's being hostile, just tell her your willing to talk when she's ready to stop yelling.  We walked on eggshells for years around my n/BPD sil.  I wanted to be gracious and forgiving in everything I did.  I wanted to treat her the way I would want to be treated.  Looking back, I realize I didn't say no often enough.  If I treated someone the way she treated me, I would expect consequences.  She may not understand the consequences, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't experience consequences any way.

If you listen to podcasts at all, there are some really good ones that talk about boundaries with narcissists.  I think it applies to NPD or BPD all the same.

Understanding Today's Narcissist is really good: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/understanding-todays-narcissist/id1209719013?mt=2

I also like Terri Cole's Hello Freedom.  She has videos and podcasts based on the videos: https://terricole.com/videos/

[Pina colada]

heartbroken2009 I agree with Pilpel.  Boundaries are the best way we have to assert ourselves with disordered people.  Of course be prepared it may not work.  My sister does NOT like boundaries and tramples on them any chance she gets.  Sometimes no contact or very little contact is the only way we have to protect ourselves.  Using "gray rock" can help... .just answering interactions with nonthreatening, boring word or sentences... .one word answers etc.  It helps to read up on gray rock and dealing with the narcissist .  Good luck and stay strong!