Where do i start...not sure MIL diagnosis

[OhGeeeez!]

Been researching narcissism due to a recent employment issue and see traits of my motherinlaw, but tonight i ran across borderline personality disorder and think it might hit closer to the mark.

MIL outwardly welcomed me with open arms when we got married 20+ yrs ago.  I thought it was authentic, but thought she was very awkward at showing warmth.  I can be distant myself and was comfortable with a mere declaration of peace.  But was irritated at how often our visits were required and how the focus was on mandatory attendance rather than friendly interactions.  She had an open door policy and was determined to feed anyone who showed up.  It gave the impression of a generous, doting mother keeping her family unit tight.  She has been a full-time volunteer at her church for 30+years (never realized how much this pays off for a narcissist with few talents or charms).  I was a young bride and she offered motherly advice which i immediately resisted.  She was very hurt.  My husband suggested i simply act agreeable to everything "sounds great, i will check with hubby" and he would break the news that we were not going along with those plans.  I'm more direct naturally but tried and it was a way to kerp peace for 19 years.  Then i had a very unplanned child.  Her daughter took me to lunch and assured me that her and my MIL were free to care for the child day and night if needbe so i could continue to work fulltime.  I declined and stayed home to raise him myself.  She showed no emotion when we told the elated family we were expecting.  But later asked if she could be called "Nahnah, because it sounded like Mamma."  my husband heard that with my ears and stopped it immediately.  I always got resistance trying to re-po my kid after she babysat and once, when i nursed him before wisking him away, she said, "God should have given all women breastmilk so we would never have to return them to their mothers."    it was exactly the sort of feeling of envy i had been detecting but denying.  Thought it was just hormones and momma-bear protectiveness in me.  But that statement elevated every concern and i pulled away fast.  I look like the jealous, irrational one.  My husband is very intelligent and reads people like books but is totally in denial about his mother.  Everything she says "she didnt mean the way you took it."  The only one who gets it is my other sisterinlaw and her husband defends his mother thinking his wife is too suspicious and sensitive.  We are always amazed that any bad behavior from her almost always gets "a pass."  These same two brothers spare no effort in correcting our behavior and checking our hands, so why does their mother get a " im sure she was only trying to help."?

When i was expecting, my mother (attempting to bond over the shared experience) asked my motherinlaw how excited she was to become a grandma.  She remarked how long she had waited for this.  My mom said, "yeah i know what you mean"  she replied"you do?"  my mom replied sarcastically but playfully " yes, my daughter is going to have a baby."  my motherinlaw said "oh really?"  no thought that this baby belonged to anyone in the world but her.  It reads as stupidity but it really is a total disregard for anyone beyond herself.

My son is nearly 4 and we never leave him in her care.  But now that she has been through breast cancer my husband is religious about weekly visits at his mothers with our son.  And a very big deal is made if anyone turns down a family dinner invitation... .you are a traitor who must hate her... .even though she is basically out of danger healthwise.  My grandmother is quite up in age and my own mother has dealt with breastcancer and they are not paid any particular attention tho.ugh they live in the same town.

[Kwamina]

Hi OhGeeeez! and welcome to our online community

I see you also posted your story in another thread in which you've gotten several responses so I'm going to leave the discussion for there. Just wanted to say hi

Take care

The Board Parrot

[snowglobe]

Dear @ohGeeeez, welcome to this forum.
I’m very sorry you are having this experience with your uBPDmil, it sounds all too familiar.
I went through a similar experience early on in our marriage, and let me tell you, you aren’t crazy

[snowglobe]

 When my youngest was born, my mil would come to my place under a pretence of “helping”. It always ended up with me catering to her, fetching coffee and making dinners all the while she sat with my d in her hands. She also put pacifier on the breast, when I was walking in, it looked as if she tried to breastfeed my child. Have a suspicion she actually tried, when alone. She ignored my wishes, dismissed my comments and always “knew better” when it came to child rearing. Things were especially complicated when she should brainwash my h, and he would convey “his wishes, expectations” when i knew for a fact that he had no knowledge or experience or the matter. Ultimately, I created my own boundaries. We now see her 2-5 times a year, my children are grown, 14 and 10, she is still a hanging threat and I’m experiencing a crippling anxiety just thinking of being in the same place with her. Aside from my husband being BPD she is the largest reason for not having any more children. Her invalidating, selfish and insensitive behaviour was so obvious when the kids were young. I had people comment that it would be possible she would take my kids away and raise them with my uBPDh. All I can offer you is to create boundaries, we only go to see you mother every other week for a couple of hours, or you can go alone. Also, start thinking big, make plans that easily excite your husband. Shift his priorities, have family days just the 3 of you. Invest heavily into your relationships with your husband. Find a good babysitter, have a night out spontaneously. Keep it exciting for your h to crave for more time with you alone. A lot of this outsome depends on your relationships with your h.