It's just too hard with BPD sister...

[Pina colada]

It's been a while.  My BPD sister (whom has many NPD) traits just cut me off, once again.  She is about 8 years older than I am.  As kids, she was horribly abusive to me, her baby sister and nice to our brother.  The abuse was verbal with threats of physical to keep me in line.  Out parents fought all the time.  it was a very lonely, scary place for a young child.  Because she was never there, I never fully bonded to her.  When I was 13 and she was getting married, at 19, she came to me and apologized.  I loved her so much.  She said she would be like a mother to me.  I could confide in her which I did through the years.  I did not have a good relationship with our mom and our dad was not home a lot.  She encouraged me to tell her all my secrets which I did.  She ran to our mom, dad, brother and betrayed all my confidences.  I learned about this when I was about 30 years old.  I was crushed and shocked.  I didn't want to talk to her.  She wouldn't leave me alone.  I was married.  We had to change our phone number... .she called throughout the night.  I am 57 so this was before cell phones.  Then she came to my house and would not leave.  I was terrified and would not let her in.  Alone, with two small babies, I managed to leave my house and went to local police station.  I told them my sis was mentally ill etc.  They came.  Fast forward to now, we have had a long history of not seeing eye to eye.  We are so different.  My biggest problem is she is a pathological liar and changes history to make herself look like a victim.  My brother and I remember things pretty much the same.  My sister can be wonderful but when she is angry or upset, she has done HORRIBLE things to my mom, dad, brother and mostly me.  After my mom passed she went after me.  I was her scapegoat.  She claims our mom abused her but I remember her being so mean to our mom.  My brother does too.  My sister seems to project her behavior onto mom, myself everyone.  I have still tried to maintain civility to her.  We decided if one of us gets upsets we would ask for a timeout.  I did this last week.  She sent me text after text (this time I did not read them) and I am not allowed to respond.  She won't read.  She says whatever she wants to me and then blocks me... .I have shared this story before.  But I am upset that she did it to me again.  I did share my story with my daughter whom is 25.  So nice to hear her perspective.  She and my other kids know my sis is very disordered and has caused so many problems with all of us and my mom.  She said she has known how sick her aunt is I should just accept it.  I am surrounded by great kids, family, friends, job I have it all.  I am just, once again saddend that I will never have a relationship with my sibling because of her mental illness.  I love and have a great relationship with my brother and other family members.  It's still hard to once again realize your family member is so disordered that a relationship with them is impossible.  Thank you for reading.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Pina Colada,

Nice to see you back!   I am sorry for the most recent developments which have served to bring up so many reminders of the past, as well as causing more turmoil in the present. I know it is hard to go through and hard to give up hope.

There is something within us that doesn't want to give up the fight, the struggle to make things better. When we grow up with someone who has BPD, no matter the relation to us, we tend to be super resilient and fighters to survive. There comes a point when we suddenly realize how weary we are of trying once more. No matter who listens, we still cannot esily find that place of peace and rest with the disordered person we love. No matter what, it is indeed very sad that they are not able to change.

Here's the good news: you and I are able to make positive changes in our own lives though. We can make strides to step in to radical acceptance.

Radical Acceptance

It's not accomplished overnight but can be a process of recovery. What do you think?

 
Wools

[Pina colada]

Hi Woolspinner and thank you for your kind words. Yep she did it to me again and I fell.  I agree radical acceptance is the only way now.  My father is gone so there is not that pull to mend fences with sister whom makes it impossible. I have many blessings to be grateful for and just don't want to do toxic anymore. Relationships have ups and downs, but, relationships in general should be easy.  I guess if you need rules just to interact with someone, the relationship is not meant to be... .