Holiday Blues

[lostandconfused6]

things are still going well for me and BPDbf for the most part... .I have been killing him with kindness the last week and being more careful than ever not to give any knee jerk reactions and use my tools when I see they are right for the situation... .

Now to the problem I am having, my BPDbf has expressed to me many times he doesn't like the holidays but I on the other hand am absolutely obsessed with them and nothing makes me happier. I know this is going to sound cheesy but at the beg of December the weekend his classes were over I wrote him a letter and I included extra time with him requests I was very specific about why I wanted these days and listed the 2 that were most important to me. He looked over the 5 days requested and agreed that they were ok and he would do them. Last weekend was my company christmas party we went had fun then went to eat and over dinner new years eve came up (1 of the most important days I told him I needed to see him for) and he said i'll have to see how much time I can spend with you because of my family (who he can't stand) i put my foot down and said you give me your word that you would be with me that whole night and I am not going to bend on this you choose to keep me separate from your family so you have to spilt your time and i dont want to hear anything else about it you promised ... .he said ok and it hasn't been mentioned since... .Fast forward to Christmas I didn't see him he hung around his house all day (where i'm not allowed which is a whole nother are I am really starting to struggle with because of his "reasons" then at 7:30 at night they finally go to his sisters house that he cant even stand the sight of... .I was very nice about it and I politely said you told me weeks ago I would see you on Christmas no matter what but I am going to be understanding today and assume that your family lied to you for the better part of the day about the schedule... .he was shocked that I was so calm about it... .

Now anyone that has been following my story knows there has been "another girl" around for the majority of our relationship, for the 100th time he has assured me she is gone for good now I want to believe it I really do... .but sometimes I feel she may be the reason that some of this stuff happens I wouldn't dare say that to him but I struggle a lot within myself not to think that... .why else wouldn't he want to be around me more? why does he always have to say "i'll see" when I ask for extra time or come up with some possible reason not to be able to do it like his parents that he lives with and hates being around? why wouldn't he keep his word to me for such simple things and then act like it doesn't matter when he doesn't?

We have been communicating a lot better the last 5 or 6 weeks and I don't want to ruin that or make things bad but I am not okay with him only doing half of what he says he will... .he actually told me 2 weeks ago " I went and did what you wanted to do Friday night and it still isn't good enough" I said doing 1 good or extra thing for me doesn't allow you to do something crappy or not do anything else... .I am fighting for his time from people he doesn't even like (his family) and it kills me and makes it so hard for me not to think other things or question him... .I just wish he could see how simple it really is to make compromises and make things work he over thinks so much and I feel like I get through to him then very little or nothing happens and sometimes he will forget the whole convo we had... .I only see him 2 days a week 3 if i'm lucky. he says he wants to take things slow so he doesn't repeat past mistakes and I am understanding of that to an extent but there is such thing as doing to much or not enough and I feel he doesn't do enough when I know he is capable of doing more without giving me a hard time like he does 75% of the time. My biggest thing is trying to get him to understand that I am not the girls from his past and I am not going to turn him into a doormat if he gives into me... .and he has said himself he knows I'm not them... .so why does he treat me the worst? he has told me himself his priorities are messed up and his time management is terrible hes late for school the doctor for everything... .and I have bought him a planner and tried to help him (he expressed he wants me to help him with it and has never been resistant to my efforts or told me np) and he has appreciated it but nothing has changed... .I understand I can't force him to do anything but does anyone have any suggestions on how I can maybe get through to him a little bit better without being pushy or nagging or without giving him a ultimatum?


One last thing I find a lot of his views,thoughts, and actions are wrong or he is playing tit for tat with me or eye for an eye with me and it's like he knows they are wrong but he doesn't care he will say "that's how I see it so get over it" or "that's what I want and that's how it will be" like with certain basic things in out relationship the things he thinks or does aren't normal no one thinks they are but it's like he would rather up set me than to admit hes wrong or even attempt to compromise... .any tips on that?
Sorry for the long post ive had a lot on my mind
 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Perdita]

Now anyone that has been following my story knows there has been "another girl" around for the majority of our relationship, for the 100th time he has assured me she is gone for good now I want to believe it I really do... .but sometimes I feel she may be the reason that some of this stuff happens I wouldn't dare say that to him but I struggle a lot within myself not to think that... .why else wouldn't he want to be around me more? why does he always have to say "i'll see" when I ask for extra time or come up with some possible reason not to be able to do it like his parents that he lives with and hates being around? why wouldn't he keep his word to me for such simple things and then act like it doesn't matter when he doesn't?

I've been dealing with a third party's involvement for 5 years. It's been hell.  If your gut is telling you that he is holding back due to her then that's probably exactly what's happening.  I can't even keep count of the number of times my bf has told me that I am crazy and that he is not in contact with or spending time with her - only for me to find out that he's been lying. He is never remorseful when caught. It's as though he has no conscience.

I have no idea how to successfully deal with this either. As you stated, even basic things he says and does in the r/s aren't normal and it's incredibly hard to get them to compromise. This is how we end up going crazy. They make us feel that everything we know to be normal in a r/s is in fact abnormal!   How are we to deal with such gaslighting? Nothing I do or say works. Nothing. He accuses me of ruining the r/s by not trusting him. He tells me that I can believe him when he says he is not hanging out with his idealized girl. Then, incredibly, I find out that he met up with her right after telling me he isn't spending time with her.

I told mine too that all I want for Christmas is quality time with him.  It seems I have asked for too big a gift... .

[lostandconfused6]

The thing with my gut telling me things is it's been right 40% of the time. I have fully 100% thought something was going on have driven to where he lives and he was at the gym alone or at his house alone or at wal mart by himself then headed home... .and some of the things I have found out by chance because I have friends where he lives and they happen to see him that's why I get so confused... .yes I feel terrible that I've done this and he doesn't know I've checked up on him but sometimes for my own peace of mind I had too... .and nothing in my gut right now is telling me there is something going on I guess it's almost like my own paranoia but for good reason... .

My BPDbf has shown remorse when I have "caught him" and I do believe he has a conscience but where it gets tricky is he doesn't or didn't see a problem with them being friends because he knew his intentions and since he knew his intentions and they weren't to be more than friends he didn't see why I had a problem with and instead of just realizing he didn't have to agree with me but just needed to understand he went and did whatever he wanted as long as he wasn't crossing any boundaries that would be considered cheating... .which to him is physical stuff (i'm assuming) to him he doesn't even think about that situation any more (so he says) so he doesn't even realize or see why I would think that some of the stuff he does would make me think it's because of her... .he said if I don't put it to rest then things will never get better

to be fair even when it doesn't involve me he is wish washy with making plans and he is literally late to everything... .he can't ever give a yes or no answer to even a doctor... .I have to keep track of his appointments and class schedule for him... .