My problem: expressing angrer aproppriately

[FoxC]

Hello,

Today I won't complain about my BPD mother, I won't complain about my BPD boyfriend, I'd like to complain about my own behavior and I would like some insights from you guys!

So, I have already discovered that I'm a huge caretaker. From that point, I took a journey to discovering myself. And today, a huge issue which has been there all my life has came to my conscious mind. Being daughter of a BPD mother I might have inherited some problems controlling expression of my anger. Please, listen to my problem.

I'm generally quite a calm and peaceful person. I tolerate A LOT of things. But whenever I have to stand up for myself, strange things happen. These situations don't happen that often, let's say once in a few months or less in average. When I realize that I'm being mistreated I don't reply instantly. Usually my mind takes some time to process information and search the arguments to solve the problem. If I don't have enough arguments, I let go and swallow the hurt ! But if I find the good arguments, and I know for sure that I'm right, I go to the aggressor or to someone that could provide me help and start to talk... I loose my nerve: my eyes get teary, or I actually start to cry, I get this huge lump in my throat, my voice gets shaky, I'm just enable to talk. Even if I still have things to say, my body just won't let express myself right!

So, for instance, today I went to the post office to complain about a package that hasn't been delivered for a month now and about some poor phone service that is unable to tell were my package is. I have already been trying to find my package for a few days now and I have already told the situation a number of times, this time perhaps I was quite exhausted. So when I started to talk, I told my complain in a shaky crying voice. I realized that it's  an excessive emotion, one would say the girl has just survived a car accident or has been raped, no it was just some complain about a lost package! I walked out of the post office thinking "What the f*** did just happen?"

And lots of situations like this ever since I remember myself. When I was a teenager, I went to a movie with my friend, there weren't many people. There were some other teenagers that didn't behave well, it was impossible to watch the movie. So I calmly decided to go find some adults, I found a security guard and was about to calmly tell him that we can't watch the movie because of the noise, but... .I just started to cry out loud and was really struggling to tell him what I want.

So, when I'm about to talk about the issue, I'm calm, although angry. When I start to loose my voice and overall control of myself, my mind is telling me: "hey hey, stop being ridiculous" and my emotions are telling me "you know, the mind is right, everything is not that bad, you don't feel THAT hurt", but my body just won't stop producing tears, shaking my voice and fabricate this lumpy thing in my throat. It's like my mind and emotions are saying all together "okay, let's show them", and my body acts: "this is a massive disaster, you're a victim of the worst thing that could have happened to you, you are doomed".

I want to stand up for my rights but I end up totally humiliating myself. I like to express my anger calmly, sometimes I succeed. In rare times, when I succeed to express my anger in an "normal simple angry" manner, I'm actually happy about myself, being confident. But sometimes (many times by now) it seems that I just can't control the way that I express myself and it upsets me a lot.

It's a long post, you are wonderful if you've read it all. Thank you, guys.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hey! I feel like giving you a hug right now. What you described are things that have happened to me as well. I feel really confused when it happens. Are you seeing a therapist at all?

My father was NPD and I had been in abusive relationships my entire life with NPDs and a BPD. I didn't realize they were NPD, BPD and that I was codependent until a couple of years ago with the help of therapists. I'm nowhere near an expert. I've learned quite a bit in the last few years, though. I think it's wonderful that you're on a journey of self discovery. It's not an easy path but I believe it's very much worth it.

I think some key things here are that your mother and your boyfriend are BPD and you're a caretaker. It's not easy being in relationships with BPD people. It can really do a number on you emotionally and psychologically. It sounds to me that these things are triggering you probably because of something that happened to you in the past, possibly even in childhood. This is where I think a good therapist can help you figure out what it is and why.

For example, the other day my 5 year old daughter broke down crying terrified she was going to get spanked. She wasn't just scared. She was terrified! My BF and I don't spank but her father (my ex) does. I could just see and feel her terror and it triggered me. I immediately picked her up and held her and let her cry. I ended up sobbing along with her. Not just crying, sobbing. I talked with my therapist about this and we realized that her reaction had triggered me because when I was 4 years old my father punished me for something really stupid (long story) in a way that set me up to accept abuse later in my life. That one event did a huge number on me emotionally and psychologically. We discovered that is when I had started to dissociate and so on. So we do EMDR sessions that help me to process these things so I can heal and move on.

My point is that there is a reason why this is happening. It may take some time for you to figure it out but I think it's definitely worth looking into. When I find myself triggered, my therapist has me question myself later to find out what I was feeling, thinking, believing in that moment and how old I felt at the time. If you can try this, it may help give you some insight into why this is happening to you. 

I've also recently learned from my therapist that there is such a thing as emotional memory. Sometimes our bodies remembers things that our minds don't. Please try not to be hard on yourself. I think your body is trying to tell you something important. Emotions and feelings aren't wrong. *hugs*

[CollectedChaos]

Yes - I can completely relate to this!  Oftentimes when I try to be assertive I end up a puddle of emotions on the floor.  It is embarrassing and frustrating to say the least, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with that too 

I often chalk it up to simply not learning this skill as a child.  I was unable to express any emotions, and definitely not negative ones.  The reaction to my doing so ultimately caused me emotional or physical pain.  So, I just never did, and let people walk all over me and pretended I was fine and internalized any anger/sadness I felt.  Not healthy, but it got me through my childhood in one piece so I can be thankful to a degree.  We learned how to cope with the circumstances at hand as kids - those coping skills just aren't always conducive to being productive adults. 

So now, whenever I am faced with situations where I decide to stand up for myself (which you should congratulate yourself on doing at all - it's not easy given our background!), I have an incredibly difficult time with it.  It generally triggers a panic attack of some level, and I end up teary, voice and body shaking, the whole nine yards.  And even though I know I am correct in what I am doing or saying, I think my brain automatically senses fear and reacts accordingly.  And then, of course, you look back on it and beat yourself up about how poorly it went... .never ending cycle!

While I can't offer anything concrete to stop these instances from happening, I can say that making a point of reminding myself that I will be okay has helped.  Regardless of how great or terrible that particular conversation goes, my life will go on as usual and I will be okay.  I also try to remember that more often than not, that particular conversation will not be something that is affecting me in a year, or 5 years, or even a week sometimes.  Hard to do in the moment, but it does get easier.

Hang in there  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FoxC!   

Thank you for sharing so clearly what you are struggling with. Your vulnerability and willingness to share this with others helps so many, even if they don't all respond.  We learn from one another.

You've gotten some great thoughts already from others, and it is good to look into them. My T constantly reminds me to see what my body is saying. Often my body and emotions are at extreme odds, and like you, it doesn't make sense. I had this over the top reaction one day and fell apart in the middle of it. I could see from the face of the other person that they had no clue what was going on. My T asked me who or what the situation reminded me of, and I knew it had nothing to do with my friend. It had to go back to a time long, long before then.  It went back to my childhood.

You may be surprised to find that it is quite possible that your inner children are being majorly triggered. What do you think of that idea? I think a T is a great idea!

 
Wools

[waitingwife]

I had a similar challenge and sometimes continue to face it. My T helped me a ton with asking me questions ablut - what is in my control and what is not? After a lot of work in therapy and reading about codependency along with getting an insight into my childhood & parent’s dynamic, I could recall a moment when I was 7 and fighting with my 13 year old brother- my mom threatened us to suicide and said that if we ever fight again, she’d kill herself. She even hung a long rope onto a ceiling fan to make is believe her. She was not planning on following through at all but desperately wanted to control is from fighting.
So I realized when I disagree or ave a conflict with anther person, I freeze, have a racing heartbeat, self doubt myself like crazy and go into overthinking by accepting blame for the situation.
Now that I’ve worked in therapy, I am always reminding myself consciously how my decision to “stand up” for myself has been a difficult path but one that has always made me feel good later . Being so conscious, people like us usually don’t have a mean bone in our body for what we’ve been through!. It has also helpd me D7 to change the way she handles fear. It’s a journey, hang in there FoxC- it gets easier each and everytime you do it!

[FoxC]

Thank you guys for sharing your stories and experiences, it makes me feel less alone. I do totally agree that it might come from the childhood experiences.

As far as I can remember my earliest experience where I was unable to stand up for myself brings me to my 5 or 6 years. The story is plain simple: I was hanging out in the playground and my two "pals" came with another a bit older boy whom I didn't know and they started to tease me and scare me with a lighter. As a little girl, it's no surprising that I got upset and ran home with tears. I told everything to my parents expecting them to at least comfort me, but instead they just giggled telling me that it wasn't a big deal what happened. The next day I told my mom: "when the next time my 'pal' will tell me 'great to see you', I'll tell him 'wish you were blind' (***approximate translation**", and my mom said: "oh no, you can't tell him that, it's rude". From that moment on I just succumbed resentfully, and being just a little girl I just knew consciously that I will never be at ease making friends ever again.
At this present time the situation at the playground doesn't rise any particular emotions in me (every kid has this kind of stories), and my parents' reaction annoys me just a little. But surprisingly I was hell right about making friends: from that moment on I was never ever at ease. Either this is not the situation that triggers my present reactions, or I have no clue how to work on it, because it doesn't rise my emotions anymore, it's like my emotional memory has integrated it all.
However, I don't think my parents were emotionally cold. When I was seven (I became a lot more shy) I was on vacation with my mother. I was teased by some kids and I told my mom. She defended me, talked to the oldest boys mother and not only the boy excused me: every single day of our vacation as we had dinner at the hotel he's been coming to our table to present his excuses!I was red out of shame causing so much trouble to him!

A lot of you guys tell that these present reactions of unexpressed anger will get better with time. I doubt it, because they are just as intense as they were 20 years ago. I have already had many of these. Have to change something, have to figure things out... .

[FoxC]

P.S. As I was writing you my stories, my (BPD) mom (we live together at the moment and yes, I'm very adult now) knocked my door asking me something, I replied that I didn't feel like talking to her at the moment, because I was upset after she called me names. She told me: "you are incredibly unforgiving (she almost never excuses me), no wonder nobody wanted to be friends with you when you were little, you are pathological, I didn't know you well back then".

Ok, guys, luckily I have this board.

[OhGeeeez!]

Journaling might help you put words to emotions and you can stain it with all the tears you want!