I don't know how much longer I can endure this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey guys, I wish I could say I was happy to be back.

Some of you may remember me, this is my second relationship that I post about in these forums.

I'v been with this girl for a year next month, she's diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 (the worse kind) and borderline.

This was my second relationship that I jumped in trying to save my partner and I believe I did, I don't know if I can afford the cost any longer.

When I met her she had barely come out from being commited to a mental institution for suicidal thoughts and attempts of suicide. She had recently run away with an ex boyfriend to use drugs and drink, he was driving completely wasted with her and it's amazing they survived the trip.

She was really bad in the early months and her bipolar was so uncontrolled that she was having hallucinations.

I helped her from the get go and eventually started to go to her psychologist with her.

Her psychiastrist was not a very good one and she was not taking the proper meds, so I managed to find one of the best psychiatrists around for her diagnosis and she changed her meds.

She improoved a lot over time, but what I noticed slowly is that she went from manic depressive to just an impulsive narcissist.

Last month she gave me a bite that hadn't I reacted fast enough would have removed a good chunk of my arm. Still she was able to leave a cut and a bruise that lasted for 2 weeks. Since then I started to fear her a little bit and I don't feel safe at all sleeping next to her. I may be overreacting but I just fear she has a thing while I'm a sleep and slits my throat or something. I'v been pondering on what to do and I simply can't progress my thoughts.

I'v been wanting to leave for a long time now, I didn't initially because I'm sure she will either kill herself or try to if we break up.

Recently though I noticed her threats to hurt herself feel more like she's putting a knife to my throat then to hers, she's doing it now just to manipulate me, but that doesn't mean she isn't putting herself in harms way in order to manipulate me.

We are a part for 8 days for the first time in the last 11 months. She's spending time with her family at a beach 70miles away from here or so and she wants me to go. I'm afraid to, for reasons stated above. Also in the last 8 days, she ignored me in the first 4 and argued and fought me the other 4, she admitted purpously ignoring me the first few days. She said she did it because she was tired of chasing after me and me ignoring her, but she's delusional, she projects everything, she's the one who does that. We usually stay together on the weekends and when we do, she ignores me and stays on the phone or draws for hours.

Today she was bugging me to tell her when I was going to the beach to meet her, I said I had to get some things done with my car to get into the road and that I wasn't sure yet, but I would get there a day before new years eve tops. When I did she went bananas because she wants me to get there 3 days before new years eve. If she doesn't get her way even before she asks for something, all hell breaks loose. She indirectly threatened to cheat on me if I didn't do what she said.

Now we had an argument because I told her that I finally bought a new wallet online after years having a beat up 15 year old fake leather wallet. I bought a croc/alligator leather wallet from Ebay and she was bothered by the fact that it was alligators. I asked her why farmed cow leather was fine and farmed alligator leather wasn't and she couldn't come up with a reasonable argument. I told her that those were feelings and not reason, that she didn't have to explain herself if she didn't like it, but those weren't sound arguments. She called me a retard, insulted me more then I'v ever been in my life, full blown all caps war one sided.

After I read she called me retarded, I dropped the phone and took a breath for a few minutes, she then started to call me and when I checked the phone there was a wall of all caps text of her insulting me and in the end breaking up with me.

I'm 99% positive she isn't breaking up with me because I tried to leave quiet last few times she did this and I realized she only does it to punish me.

I really needed to vent out but I really could use someone to talk to about this, I don't know what to do, I really like her and I care for her, but I can't live my whole life tolerating this just so she survives. I don't know how to break up and I have a hard time doing so because I do like her.

[Hlinthewiking]

Hey guys, I wish I could say I was happy to be back.

Some of you may remember me, this is my second relationship that I post about in these forums.

I'v been with this girl for a year next month, she's diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 (the worse kind) and borderline.

This was my second relationship that I jumped in trying to save my partner and I believe I did, I don't know if I can afford the cost any longer.

When I met her she had barely come out from being commited to a mental institution for suicidal thoughts and attempts of suicide. She had recently run away with an ex boyfriend to use drugs and drink, he was driving completely wasted with her and it's amazing they survived the trip.

She was really bad in the early months and her bipolar was so uncontrolled that she was having hallucinations.

I helped her from the get go and eventually started to go to her psychologist with her.

Her psychiastrist was not a very good one and she was not taking the proper meds, so I managed to find one of the best psychiatrists around for her diagnosis and she changed her meds.

She improoved a lot over time, but what I noticed slowly is that she went from manic depressive to just an impulsive narcissist.

Last month she gave me a bite that hadn't I reacted fast enough would have removed a good chunk of my arm. Still she was able to leave a cut and a bruise that lasted for 2 weeks. Since then I started to fear her a little bit and I don't feel safe at all sleeping next to her. I may be overreacting but I just fear she has a thing while I'm a sleep and slits my throat or something. I'v been pondering on what to do and I simply can't progress my thoughts.

I'v been wanting to leave for a long time now, I didn't initially because I'm sure she will either kill herself or try to if we break up.

Recently though I noticed her threats to hurt herself feel more like she's putting a knife to my throat then to hers, she's doing it now just to manipulate me, but that doesn't mean she isn't putting herself in harms way in order to manipulate me.

We are a part for 8 days for the first time in the last 11 months. She's spending time with her family at a beach 70miles away from here or so and she wants me to go. I'm afraid to, for reasons stated above. Also in the last 8 days, she ignored me in the first 4 and argued and fought me the other 4, she admitted purpously ignoring me the first few days. She said she did it because she was tired of chasing after me and me ignoring her, but she's delusional, she projects everything, she's the one who does that. We usually stay together on the weekends and when we do, she ignores me and stays on the phone or draws for hours.

Today she was bugging me to tell her when I was going to the beach to meet her, I said I had to get some things done with my car to get into the road and that I wasn't sure yet, but I would get there a day before new years eve tops. When I did she went bananas because she wants me to get there 3 days before new years eve. If she doesn't get her way even before she asks for something, all hell breaks loose. She indirectly threatened to cheat on me if I didn't do what she said.

Now we had an argument because I told her that I finally bought a new wallet online after years having a beat up 15 year old fake leather wallet. I bought a croc/alligator leather wallet from Ebay and she was bothered by the fact that it was alligators. I asked her why farmed cow leather was fine and farmed alligator leather wasn't and she couldn't come up with a reasonable argument. I told her that those were feelings and not reason, that she didn't have to explain herself if she didn't like it, but those weren't sound arguments. She called me a retard, insulted me more then I'v ever been in my life, full blown all caps war one sided.

After I read she called me retarded, I dropped the phone and took a breath for a few minutes, she then started to call me and when I checked the phone there was a wall of all caps text of her insulting me and in the end breaking up with me.

I'm 99% positive she isn't breaking up with me because I tried to leave quiet last few times she did this and I realized she only does it to punish me.

I really needed to vent out but I really could use someone to talk to about this, I don't know what to do, I really like her and I care for her, but I can't live my whole life tolerating this just so she survives. I don't know how to break up and I have a hard time doing so because I do like her.

[PeteWitsend]

If she broke up with you, I think you need to consider yourself lucky and move on.  it's not your job to save people. 

also take some time to consider why you ended up in another relationship like this.  maybe schedule some time with a therapist (I'm not being flippant; it may help you better understand your own motivations and needs).

[Hlinthewiking]

I already go to a good therapist. He's on a holiday recess until after new years.

It's really hard for me to, I really want to talk to her now, I also feel very bad about it all. I feel faulted, I know she did all the abusing but I could have prevented it if I didn't prolong the useless argument for so long.

Like I said, she didn't go all the way through. I just saw she made a PUBLIC Facebook post about this without directly mentioning it was me, but it's still clear it is me and victimizing herself. So typical, this really makes me mad. To make matters worse, the only person who replied her post is a guy that frequently hits on her. My heart is going to explode, so many mixed feelings.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

It's a hard situation to be in. I understand this is really hard for you. I'm also glad you're reaching out for help.

I agree with PeteWitsend. This is probably a good time for you to take a really good hard look at yourself and why you keep choosing to be in relationships like this.

I'm glad you have a good therapist. Has he talked to you about codependency? There's a book that really helped me with my codependency issues along with my therapist. It's called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. If you haven't heard of it, maybe ask your therapist if it's something that may help.  Like PeteWitsend said, it's not your job to save people.

[Hlinthewiking]

I thought about it recently and I realized that I was always like this. I always looked to help my friends from bullies in school and was bullied a lot myself, until I started to threatening to fight back in 4th grade. I was much bigger then most the other kids, fortunately, standing up for myself was enough and I never had to defend myself or was bullied after that.

I'v always wanted to help people. I wanted to be a police officer since I was a kid. I still dream to, the only reason I'm not one already or am pursuing it is because in my country there is a lot of corruption and I would have a hard time being honest and alive in our police force.

I spoke to her a few minutes ago. I told her she was projecting, said what was happening and that I wouldn't accept the way she was treating me, but that I also liked her very much and wanted to be well with her.

Like I said earlier, she didn't go through the break up, instead I'm actually surprised with her response. She said she's tired of chasing after me and now she's just going to do whatever she wants and she's not going to care, like she says I do.

I really can't believe this, feels like she's holding me as a hostage. Be my slave or leave, or maybe beg for mercy and bend the knee so that things go back to the way they were before.

I don't know which is more unbelievable, the fact that she's doing it to me or the fact that I didn't and still can't break up with her after all this and also feeling ashamed and guilty.

I have to leave the house and distract myself with something, but today is going to be a bad day, the worst part is that I think it's only going to get worse. My chest is already hurting and I feel the anxiety. I should have learned from last time... .

Thanks for the recommendation, I will check it out.

[DearHusband]

Hlinthewiking,

Five years from now, which decision would you feel best about and which would give you the most self respect?

Good luck answering that,
DH

[Cat Familiar]

Have you thought about channeling your helpful nature toward a cause such as helping disabled children, the elderly, animal rescue?

I think you might get more fulfillment in that way, rather than trying to rescue her. And probably a lot more appreciation.

If your need was fulfilled elsewhere, you might be on a more even keel with her and be less addicted to her approval.

[Sun786102937465]

Hi,
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and can identify with this feeling all too well. I am in a relationship with someone with BPD and although he is not depressed, he can be very aggressive and even violent when angry which is most of the time. He has such difficulty understanding his own emotions and projects all the time, he gets angry when I’m upset or cry because it upsets him but that only makes me more frightened, and its this vicious circle.
Its so difficult because i can see how desperately he WANTS to change and when someone repeatedly tells you that they need your help to get through it, you feel a sense of responsibility. What really troubles me is that there is all this emphasis on walking away, on co-dependency issues ect, but if this was a physical disability that he needed help with would this same logic be applied, to walk away because its become too strenuous to help our loved ones, especially when they have been and continue to be failed by every institution that is meant to help them, the health system, the legal system, the welfare system. If it were a person with a physical impairment would we still employ the same thought process in that there is only so much help we can give them and if that doesn’t work we should leave them to suffer because it is out of our control. Whilst i agree completely that we need to look after ourselves first and foremost because I believe you truly can not love another person until you have learnt to love yourself first and it’s something i experienced in feeling completely burnt out at times. However i am and always have been an independent strong minded person, i have what i have through my own efforts and the grace of God therefore I don’t feel any sense of this codependency in my relationship, infact my main issue is how full on he can be and my need for space. My love for him comes from my compassion, my deep understanding of what he has endured in his life, how its damaged him and how mental health is recoverable, it shouldn’t be a life sentence, but that is only possible through patience and perserverance.

[Hlinthewiking]

  Dearhusband

That is very helpful, I hadn't thought about it that way. Still not an easy answer :/. I guess I want something that isn't an option for me in this case, which is avoid suffering.

  Cat Familiar
That is actually a good idea, it may help, but I feel so empty and depressed outside a relationship. I'm a very lonely person, I don't have a lot of friends. I'll try your idea, maybe it doesn't completely solve my problem, but maybe it helps.

My mother could use more help, she's ill and with this hellish relationship I haven't been able to be much help to her.

  Sara
I completely understand what you are saying and I feel somewhat the same. The problem that I see is that saying that you want to change and actually wanting to change are two different things. Then actually taking the steps to change and taking responsibility for your actions is another step. Both my BPD relationships were far from that and I realized that I was trying to help people that didn't want help, they wanted a slave.

My current girlfriend might actually be the closest person to actually want to change, but when she hears the necessary steps needed to change, she doesn't feel like it's worth the work or the loss of the "free pass" that they think comes with a mental illness. My girlfriend sometimes prefer just to say something like "You know how I'm, you are the one who needs to work around it and help me".

I think BPDs are extremely childish people. My girlfriend sometimes threatens to kill herself if I don't do like she wants me to and it sounds exactly like a child saying they are going to hold their breath until they get what they want. I stopped taking responsibility for her on those cases and turns out that she never actually came through hurting herself, that was just manipulation tactics to use the love that I have for her to make me do what she wants me to do. I think that is just beyond evil.

Yesterday she said things to me that I don't think I could ever forgive. She talked to me like I was nothing, like my existence disgusted her.

Last night when she saw I wasn't chasing after her, she reached me to talk and I said I wouldn't accept what she said to me and how she was treating me. She tried to change subjects until she actually managed to, but when she realized it didn't work, she actually said she didn't remember any of it and actually was thinking that she may have DID. This is really mind boggling to me, she doesn't have multiple personalities, she either knows it and said it to manipulate me or she's just very confused. I don't think I believe she doesn't remember the things she said to me.

I thought last night she had pulled off making everything "ok" by changing subjects and pretending nothing happened and treating me well, temporarily. I even felt like a donkey. I felt like she played me all too well, I thought she was going to keep it up and start treating me well again. I was wrong. It started all over again just now. We just had another fight and she's acting like a hypocrite all over again...

One of my only female friends, one that she knows that I don't have any interest in and that was very happy with our relationship since we started dating and that I haven't spoken to in months, liked a new profile picture I posted on Facebook and she got jealous, that started the fight.

It seems that guys can hit on her openly on her pictures and if another female likes a picture I post or exists next to me, it's not ok.

Time is running out for me, I need to leave Saturday and despite ALL this she is still expecting me to come. Last thing I wanted was a break up hours before new years. It would be ___ty for me and very hurtful, I'd suffer a lot. To her it could be life changing, she can either hurt herself good or kill herself.

Yesterday she told me she was thinking about hanging herself. Despite her attempts to manipulate, the "boy who cries wolf" really dies at the end.

I'm thinking about involving her family in this, she's pretty much telling the whole internet what is happening but she won't talk to her family. If she hurts herself and I don't say anything I will feel responsible for the rest of my life.