Why do I always want people that hurt me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This keeps happening to me over, and over again.  It's like I'm needing to learn something, but I'm not sure what it is.  I'm a really sweet person and I don't really know how else to be, but sometimes I think if I was a more manipulative b**** I would get my way more often.  I don't have that bone in my body. I don't even know how to do it.  I feel hurt a lot of the time, but I still want the people that hurt me. 

I've learned to let go a lot of things, but it's still really hard for me.

So why do I want people that hurt me?  Why do I let go the people that actually want me?

I never feel good enough.  People tell me all the time they don't deserve me.  I've heard it from almost everyone I've tried to date.  It's like the worst thing I could possibly hear now.  It's like a death sentence. 

Someone please help. Ha.

[Shedd]

This keeps happening to me over, and over again.  It's like I'm needing to learn something, but I'm not sure what it is.  I'm a really sweet person and I don't really know how else to be, but sometimes I think if I was a more manipulative b**** I would get my way more often.  I don't have that bone in my body. I don't even know how to do it.  I feel hurt a lot of the time, but I still want the people that hurt me. 

I've learned to let go a lot of things, but it's still really hard for me.

So why do I want people that hurt me?  Why do I let go the people that actually want me?

I never feel good enough.  People tell me all the time they don't deserve me.  I've heard it from almost everyone I've tried to date.  It's like the worst thing I could possibly hear now.  It's like a death sentence. 

Someone please help. Ha.

[valet]

Hey Shedd, I'm sorry you're feeling down about your relationships. Building a healthy social life takes a lot of work, and can be exhausting at points. You've been doing a lot of introspection in that department, however, which is really something good after a toxic relationship. Keep asking yourself these difficult questions.

I'm a really sweet person and I don't really know how else to be, but sometimes I think if I was a more manipulative b**** I would get my way more often.

I think that you're setting a double standard for yourself with ideas like this. What does being 'a really sweet person' look like? Can you define it? And on the flip side of the coin, what is being a 'manipulative b****'?

Your own answers might surprise you.

Try considering it this way: maybe you don't actually want the people that hurt you, and are just stuck in old patterns of behavior?

[ynwa]

Hey Shedd,   I hear you on that.  Really.

I think maybe you might have better luck in creating boundaries? It would not be the real you, if you became that other person, and authentic people are more likely to meet more authentic people.

And I can also see that you have maybe unconsciously, that you are unwilling to put up with certain people anymore. 

[Shedd]

I'm sorry you're feeling down about your relationships. Building a healthy social life takes a lot of work, and can be exhausting at points. You've been doing a lot of introspection in that department, however, which is really something good after a toxic relationship. Keep asking yourself these difficult questions.

. What does being 'a really sweet person' look like? Can you define it? And on the flip side of the coin, what is being a 'manipulative

Try considering it this way: maybe you don't actually want the people that hurt you, and are just stuck in old patterns of behavior?

V e r y interesting. I think I am stuck on old patterns of behavior for sure. I’ve always thought I had the ability to show people good in the world, but it doesn’t seem like people care about that.  From my experience people generally seem to want money, sex, power or all 3.  I’m not that kind of a person.

I tend to look at he good in people even if they have a mental disorder because I understand that we’re all just human.

I constantly deal with social anxiety so it makes it even harder for me to build my social life.  I tend to hang out with one person at a time instead of a big group of people. 

Anyway, yeah just been feeling down about it all because I always seem to be second best since I don’t seem very interested in sex, money, or power.  I like to think aim good in bed and good with my money, but I don’t hold it against someone.

Hope this answers your questions and thank you.

[valet]

V e r y interesting. I think I am stuck on old patterns of behavior for sure. I’ve always thought I had the ability to show people good in the world, but it doesn’t seem like people care about that.  From my experience people generally seem to want money, sex, power or all 3.  I’m not that kind of a person.

I tend to look at he good in people even if they have a mental disorder because I understand that we’re all just human.

I constantly deal with social anxiety so it makes it even harder for me to build my social life.  I tend to hang out with one person at a time instead of a big group of people.  

Anyway, yeah just been feeling down about it all because I always seem to be second best since I don’t seem very interested in sex, money, or power.  I like to think aim good in bed and good with my money, but I don’t hold it against someone.

Hope this answers your questions and thank you.

Hey Shedd, social anxiety can make forming new relationship more difficult. Sorry you're having trouble there.

You didn't answer my questions, however. What does a 'sweet person' do that differentiates them from everyone else? What does a 'manipulative person' do? How do these two types of people behave from your perspective? And might it be possible that someone can be both sweet and manipulative, depending on the situation they find themselves in?