Contradictions

[Nwish]

Hi -
I have another post under “hoping for feedback about devalue” but I wanted some feedback about another topic. My ex is now single again and has been texting me and getting back to doing things (sports) that he was involved with before when we were together. We spent a lot of time talking and hanging out together over the holiday weekend. Whenever he would see me before (when he was still in another relationship), he would really try to kiss me and tell me how much he loved me and wanted me. Now that he is single, he reaches out a lot, but the other night asked me not to wait for him and told me we would never be together because he will never be happy in his life. It took him a while to get out that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me.

Personally, I think he’s fulll of it. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a contradiction. I had been talking about moving on and I declined coming over to comfort him one night (for the first time). I’m also almost divorced and he is very insecure about my husband.

 My question is, has anyone had their pwBPD tell them they don’t love them in that way as a way to push them away? I wonder now that he’s single, trying to be intimate with me might trigger him again bc he doesn’t have the safety of another relationship. Or could he be afraid to get involved until my divorce. Has anyone had the pwBPD in their life claim to not love them as more than a friend only to come back? He said all this when he first left and has since asked me 3 times if I would marry him (while he was still in his rebound relationship). He mentioned that she was a distraction and that he didn’t intend to leave me. But like I said, something he says at 5:00 can be contradicted by something he says at 5:01... .it’s ao frustrating. Like a puzzle.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Nwish,

I'm sorry that you are getting confliting messages from your pwBPD. The back and forth in BPD relationships seems to be a common situation. Sometimes it is called Recycling.

Are you wanting to rekindle the relationship?

[brilntdsgz]

Yes, I have had this happen several times in the past 3 years.

He loves me & we move in that direction & then he is done - his feelings have changed.  We are just friends or best friends or whatever until suddenly he loves me again.
I have reached my limit to repeating this scenario again.  I no longer believe anything that he says anymore. 
I know this probably doesn't help - but you are not alone with the contradictions.

[rolling_stone]

This is really difficult to bear, those contradictions, but when it comes to pwBPD, they are not uncommon. Sometimes it's important to try reading between the lines... .

[Nwish]

I AM wishing to rekindle! It’s just hard to understand what he wants. I can’t see how we went from where we were, to this weird place where neither of us can show our true feelings. We went through divorces to be together. We’ve never even argued about it. His confidence/self esteem is so low.

[Nwish]

Thanks everyone!

Brilntdsgz -  how long would you stay in the friend zone? Weeks, months? Would he communicate during this time?

Reading between the lines is something I often try to do. It can be exhausting.
I have started reading radical acceptance! It helps with many areas of life.

[brilntdsgz]

It would vary... .yes sometimes we stayed friends/friendly because we were housemates at that time.  Other times we were no contact because I was the devil according to him.    Today we are NC again - but will more than likely be friends again in the future - I am just assuming this because of our pattern in the past.