Want to go NC but can't?

[todayistheday]

Unfortunately, my Dad still lives with my Mom and my sister and lives in the same neighborhood as my Mom. 

Dad did try to leave her when my younger sister graduated high school.  We never knew why he did not.  He just said she cried so he changed his mind.  He recently did tell me that she threatened suicide.  I had suspected that ever since I learned about BPD and that being what my therapist hypothesized was going on in our family.

If she outlives Dad, she may never see or hear from me again.  Yes, sister is next door to her, but I think I can maintain a relationship with her without having my Mom as gatekeeper.  Or at least be in only low contact with Mom.  Sister told me a couple years ago that she never goes to Mom's except for when I am over there.  Which is not very often.

They are both in their early 80s. 

My Mom does nothing but make my Dad miserable for what he does. If I went NC with her and had a relationship with Dad, that would make things worse for him.  She has told me that she hates him, so it makes no sense that she won't let him go -- except for her mental illness.  He gets yelled at for everything he does. And he's such a "beaten" man that he does not stand up for himself.

Do any of you others of you feel like you would be NC if it wasn't for the fact that you would lose other people important to you if you did?

[Struggles]

Hi,

I wanted to chime in on your situation because my husband and I recently went NC with his uBPD mother.  I’m not saying that is what you should do, because only you know what is right for you.  But because our situation is so very similar to the living situations I wanted to tell you how we handle it.

My MIL and FIL live right next door to my BIL.  We are extremely close with my FIL, BIL, SIL, and their children.  We were low contact at first, as this year her rage fits have gotten worse.  And once she started threatening, blocked me in a public restroom and started spreading lies about me, we made the decision to go NC.  We haven’t spoken to her since September.  We were so worried about how the situation would play out with our relationships with other family members.  Although we know it is awkward for everyone, luckily they have been extremely understanding.  I think apart of them wants to do it too, but since they live right next door I’m sure that feels impossible.  So instead, they have went to a medium chill with her.

The day my husband decided to go full NC, he text his dad to let him know he would no longer come to their home, and when we visited my BIL that he would let him know so he could come see him if he wanted.  My FIL is like your father, he catches the worst of it from her and he says he feels like he’s lost her and doesn’t know how to get her back.  But lately, he’s actually started to stand up to her. 

So, when we visit my BIL and SILs home, my husband texts him when we get there and let’s him know.  This month was the first time we had been in the Same room as her since going NC.  We held our ground and didn’t speak.  We have now in the past week been in the same room several times, and after the first couple of times she realized pretty quick we weren’t going to give in and she stopped trying to come around. 

It is especially awkward for sure, and still gives me a lot of anxiety.  But my husband is extremely confident about the decision to go NC and said that life is so much more peaceful now and he feels like he should have done it sooner. 

Again, not saying that this is what anyone should do.  But wanted to let you know how we handle it, being as the living situations are so similar to your family.  We weren’t sure how in the world it was going to work with everyone living so close.  And it wasn’t the type of thing you could just google for advice cause I definitely tried LOL. 

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I know you worry so much about your dad, we worry about my FIL too.  The people that live with a person with BPD go through so much, I cannot imagine the uncertainty of everyday. 

Keeping you in my thoughts for your situation. 

[OhGeeeez!]

My husband is in poor health and it is possible his mother (probably BPD) could outlive him.  We have a young son who looks exactly like his father and she is very possessive with him crossing big boundries like wanting to breastfeed him and rubbing baby powder on his neck to make him smell like Her baby!  Husband fears that if he were to die, i would go no contact and deprive his mother of her grandson.  I am not insensitive, though jealousy alone would keep me away from her.  But i fear she would make my son the image of her dead son and obsession would be boundless and i would have to go no contact or have my child smothered or kidnapped.  Hopefully i won't ever have to find out... .