Inability to move on from a failed attempt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello

Looks like I posted in the wrong section. I’ll see if i can shut down the other post.

About her:
A social butterfly, friends with a lot of people. According to my therapist, she is showing signs of BPD-like behavior. She has been in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for 1.5 years until she was cheated on. Undiagnosed herself. When she was upset/sad she never knew why she was sad and said that only her close friend knew how to make her feel better. I tried to comfort her and trace back her day to see where it went wrong but she never had an answer.

About the relationship:
We spent almost two months together. In the honeymoon phase, I tried to make her happy by doing all the things she liked. I tried to take interest in some of the things she liked, but not everything. I got upset twice when she was around (not with her). Her friends seemed to like and accept me when we got together to meet and know each other. We were intimate together, and it seemed like the worst part of the day was when we were saying our goodbyes (this happened 2-3 weeks before things ended). I never had any intention to use or abuse her. I encouraged her to spend time with her friends and we would spend our time together too. I valued her opinions and sympathized with the bad experience she has been through. I vouched not to be that person to her for as long as I can. We flirted a lot (in person or through texts), we barely got our hands off each other, we even said the L word to each other on separate occasions when we were intimate (no sex was ever involved).

The breakup:
We spent a couple of days together in a getaway. One day before things went sour, I was talking about myself a lot and I saw that she had the dreamy eyes. She kept asking a lot of questions about me and I always responded no matter how embarrassing the story was. The day things went sour, things were going ok until night time. She got a call from her close friend and she turned into complete silence and barely spoke. I kept asking if she was ok and she said she was. She cried her eyes out the next morning and kept saying things that showed she was going to break things off. I was very confused and asked if there was something that I did that made her upset but she said no, it was all her. Two days later, we sat down to end things with a lot of crying. I controlled my emotions (even though I was really upset that things were ending), I tried to fight for her but she wouldn’t accept. I respected her decision and wished her luck in what she was looking for, then she got upset and asked me why I said that. Something didn’t add up here.
I tried to comfort her and wipe her tears and even got her to laugh while she was crying during the breakup. We agreed to be friends. She said that I seem to have multiple personalities. She said that I’m a very important individual in her life.

During and post breakup:
She sometimes felt that I was upset with her for some reason and she would ask if she did something that upset me. I would ask why she thinks that, then I would reassure her that I wasn’t upset with her and in the event that this happens, then I’ll let her know. One time, she was absolutely cold on the phone for no reason, so I responded back in a cold way. When she got back home, she called me and asked me if she did something that upset me, I told her that she was a bit cold on the phone then she said that she only did that because she didn’t want her friends to know that we are still talking.

The devaluation after the breakup :
I didn’t know what BPD was at the time. An incident occurred were she was laughing out with friends. I asked her a question, then she responded in a angry way. This wasn’t the first time she responded in a bad way to me, this was the third time. I told her in each time and times before if she is upset then it is better to talk things out instead of lashing out at each other. I didn’t really appreciate the way she responded that time and called her back infront of her friends for her behavior. What fried me the most was that she thought I was being harsh to her for no reason, but she wasn’t upset. The one time she actually upset me and I pointed it out, was the one time she was in complete denial that she reacted in a bad way. I got incredibly angry and took a few days to cool off before I contacted her to know why she reacted the way she did, she lashed at me over the phone for not being patient/understanding, justified the breakup was because we never understood each other and made up some things during the fallout that I don’t recall happening. She calmed down over the phone later but then I came to know that I was devalued (after she had said that I am one of the most important individuals in her life during the breakup). I tried to reason and say that it would be impossible for me to know her in such a short time, and if I wanted to know her then what should I do? She laughed and said no. Since then, she was always grumpy when she saw me (and I was grumpy too). We stayed that way for 2-3 months until she started to try and be ok with me again. During that time, I maintained the NC rule and never said hello when we were together in the same place. She had a fallout with another close friend of hers and it seemed like she wanted to communicate again on a normal level. One day, I was getting ready for a date, and she saw me. I ignored her, then she came to say hello and asked why I never stopped by to greet her. We shook hands for a very long time while we were talking (I hadn’t realized it until a couple of seconds had passed while we were shaking hands). The next time we met, it was back to square one, grumpy faces. She can’t look me in the face and bare minimum talk again, so I kept the NC rule again.

My interpretation:
She actually has strong feelings for me, but her friend controls her thoughts into valuing/devaluing people. She was never convinced about the breakup but her friend controlled her to do so (could be of fear that she would go through another abusive relationship like the one she had before). She knows deep down that I’m not a bad person, but her judgment is clouded by what had happened and the effect her friend has on her. When she wanted to communicate normally, it was because she projected the hate on her friend that she had fallen out with. When things were patched back with her friend, I in-turn got the hatred projected back at me again.

About me:
Male, Impulsive, very loyal, codependent, emotional person with anger issues. I get dark thoughts at times, but I’ve been told that I have a good heart from what I say and do (the words of friends and my psychiatrist). I build massive defense walls and I don’t get close to a lot of people. I’ve been known to be a very helpful, caring person to those who would take the time and effort to get to know me (I would take extra miles with those I care about). I spent a lot of time with CBT to control my behavior and I use what I learn to help others as much as I possibly can. I don’t feel the urge to be angry a lot like I used to before. I try to control my emotional side too.

Questions:
I’ve tried to let things go, move on, start relationships with other people, distract myself with work or house errands, etc... .nothing gets this girl off my mind (8 months since the breakup and counting).
I wanted to know how would you feel like in such situations (from her or my side)? Anyone else relates to this? Did she feel love for me or was this all based on impulses? Why am I painted black that long even though she had fallouts with other people too and patched things with them again (Am I the grey goose)? Does anyone know or have any ideas on what else I can do to let go and move on ( I love her deeply till this day)?
I spent a lot of time researching about BPD and trying to understand how they may feel like or react. I know she is not a bad person and that she is a caring person too, even though she hides it. I tried to hate her or feel indifferent, but I know her weakness that she is being controlled by others, and this is something that she can’t change without therapy. I don’t justify her behavior, but I understand that she can’t help herself. This is the only way she knows how to protect herself after she was mentally crushed by her first love. I also know that I fail to read between the lines and my interpretation could be all wrong.
I’ld love to hear your thoughts and I can try to answer any questions you may have with as much detail as I can.

[justanotherperso]

Hello

Looks like I posted in the wrong section. I’ll see if i can shut down the other post.

About her:
A social butterfly, friends with a lot of people. According to my therapist, she is showing signs of BPD-like behavior. She has been in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship for 1.5 years until she was cheated on. Undiagnosed herself. When she was upset/sad she never knew why she was sad and said that only her close friend knew how to make her feel better. I tried to comfort her and trace back her day to see where it went wrong but she never had an answer.

About the relationship:
We spent almost two months together. In the honeymoon phase, I tried to make her happy by doing all the things she liked. I tried to take interest in some of the things she liked, but not everything. I got upset twice when she was around (not with her). Her friends seemed to like and accept me when we got together to meet and know each other. We were intimate together, and it seemed like the worst part of the day was when we were saying our goodbyes (this happened 2-3 weeks before things ended). I never had any intention to use or abuse her. I encouraged her to spend time with her friends and we would spend our time together too. I valued her opinions and sympathized with the bad experience she has been through. I vouched not to be that person to her for as long as I can. We flirted a lot (in person or through texts), we barely got our hands off each other, we even said the L word to each other on separate occasions when we were intimate (no sex was ever involved).

The breakup:
We spent a couple of days together in a getaway. One day before things went sour, I was talking about myself a lot and I saw that she had the dreamy eyes. She kept asking a lot of questions about me and I always responded no matter how embarrassing the story was. The day things went sour, things were going ok until night time. She got a call from her close friend and she turned into complete silence and barely spoke. I kept asking if she was ok and she said she was. She cried her eyes out the next morning and kept saying things that showed she was going to break things off. I was very confused and asked if there was something that I did that made her upset but she said no, it was all her. Two days later, we sat down to end things with a lot of crying. I controlled my emotions (even though I was really upset that things were ending), I tried to fight for her but she wouldn’t accept. I respected her decision and wished her luck in what she was looking for, then she got upset and asked me why I said that. Something didn’t add up here.
I tried to comfort her and wipe her tears and even got her to laugh while she was crying during the breakup. We agreed to be friends. She said that I seem to have multiple personalities. She said that I’m a very important individual in her life.

During and post breakup:
She sometimes felt that I was upset with her for some reason and she would ask if she did something that upset me. I would ask why she thinks that, then I would reassure her that I wasn’t upset with her and in the event that this happens, then I’ll let her know. One time, she was absolutely cold on the phone for no reason, so I responded back in a cold way. When she got back home, she called me and asked me if she did something that upset me, I told her that she was a bit cold on the phone then she said that she only did that because she didn’t want her friends to know that we are still talking.

The devaluation after the breakup :
I didn’t know what BPD was at the time. An incident occurred were she was laughing out with friends. I asked her a question, then she responded in a angry way. This wasn’t the first time she responded in a bad way to me, this was the third time. I told her in each time and times before if she is upset then it is better to talk things out instead of lashing out at each other. I didn’t really appreciate the way she responded that time and called her back infront of her friends for her behavior. What fried me the most was that she thought I was being harsh to her for no reason, but she wasn’t upset. The one time she actually upset me and I pointed it out, was the one time she was in complete denial that she reacted in a bad way. I got incredibly angry and took a few days to cool off before I contacted her to know why she reacted the way she did, she lashed at me over the phone for not being patient/understanding, justified the breakup was because we never understood each other and made up some things during the fallout that I don’t recall happening. She calmed down over the phone later but then I came to know that I was devalued (after she had said that I am one of the most important individuals in her life during the breakup). I tried to reason and say that it would be impossible for me to know her in such a short time, and if I wanted to know her then what should I do? She laughed and said no. Since then, she was always grumpy when she saw me (and I was grumpy too). We stayed that way for 2-3 months until she started to try and be ok with me again. During that time, I maintained the NC rule and never said hello when we were together in the same place. She had a fallout with another close friend of hers and it seemed like she wanted to communicate again on a normal level. One day, I was getting ready for a date, and she saw me. I ignored her, then she came to say hello and asked why I never stopped by to greet her. We shook hands for a very long time while we were talking (I hadn’t realized it until a couple of seconds had passed while we were shaking hands). The next time we met, it was back to square one, grumpy faces. She can’t look me in the face and bare minimum talk again, so I kept the NC rule again.

My interpretation:
She actually has strong feelings for me, but her friend controls her thoughts into valuing/devaluing people. She was never convinced about the breakup but her friend controlled her to do so (could be of fear that she would go through another abusive relationship like the one she had before). She knows deep down that I’m not a bad person, but her judgment is clouded by what had happened and the effect her friend has on her. When she wanted to communicate normally, it was because she projected the hate on her friend that she had fallen out with. When things were patched back with her friend, I in-turn got the hatred projected back at me again.

About me:
Male, Impulsive, very loyal, codependent, emotional person with anger issues. I get dark thoughts at times, but I’ve been told that I have a good heart from what I say and do (the words of friends and my psychiatrist). I build massive defense walls and I don’t get close to a lot of people. I’ve been known to be a very helpful, caring person to those who would take the time and effort to get to know me (I would take extra miles with those I care about). I spent a lot of time with CBT to control my behavior and I use what I learn to help others as much as I possibly can. I don’t feel the urge to be angry a lot like I used to before. I try to control my emotional side too.

Questions:
I’ve tried to let things go, move on, start relationships with other people, distract myself with work or house errands, etc... .nothing gets this girl off my mind (8 months since the breakup and counting).
I wanted to know how would you feel like in such situations (from her or my side)? Anyone else relates to this? Did she feel love for me or was this all based on impulses? Why am I painted black that long even though she had fallouts with other people too and patched things with them again (Am I the grey goose)? Does anyone know or have any ideas on what else I can do to let go and move on ( I love her deeply till this day)?
I spent a lot of time researching about BPD and trying to understand how they may feel like or react. I know she is not a bad person and that she is a caring person too, even though she hides it. I tried to hate her or feel indifferent, but I know her weakness that she is being controlled by others, and this is something that she can’t change without therapy. I don’t justify her behavior, but I understand that she can’t help herself. This is the only way she knows how to protect herself after she was mentally crushed by her first love. I also know that I fail to read between the lines and my interpretation could be all wrong.
I’ld love to hear your thoughts and I can try to answer any questions you may have with as much detail as I can.

[enlighten me]

Is she being controlled by others or is it that her weak sense of self makes her want different things when around different people?

My exgf would change what she wanted due to who she was with. My ex wife would want different things, dress differently due to who she was hanging around.

[justanotherperso]

Thanks for writing back. Not a 100% sure on the correct answer here, but I think this has to do with others controlling her. She is always around the same gang, and when she came to ask why I didn’t say hello, there was no one around her at the time.

[enlighten me]

I once spoke to my exgf's uncle and said no one man can ever make her happy as what she wants constantly changes. He paused then said yes that's true.

pwBPD are easily influenced but they also have an emotional imaturity which means that like a child they want everything and dont have the self control to say no (not all but well documented). This means that even if they have feelings for you it wont stop them from wanting something else.

[justanotherperso]

I appreciate your replies. Thank you. I really need to move on and I’ve been trying as hard as I can but nothing changes. I worked on myself and helped others too, I still feel the same. I hope this changes at some point but I’m open for ideas. I wanted to share my experience and learn what others think about what happened.

[enlighten me]

The fact that she replied angrily when she had been laughing with friends shows devaluation to me. My exgf treated me the same way where she would be laughing and joking with friends or family and then turn on me as if I shouldn't be there.

Detaching takes a while. Theres no quick fix. What worked for me was a lot of self honesty and time. Ask yourself why did you let her treat you like she did? Can you see things lasting if she doesn't change? What are the chances of her changing? Finally ask yourself what did you get from this relationship? I look back on my "good times" and realised that they weren't that good and they were all about her enjoying herself and me tagging along/ picking up the bill. All the things I really wanted to do either never happened or were brought down by her not wanting to really do it.

[justanotherperso]

Thank you 

[babyducks]

hi justanotherperson

and

I am going to guess that if your therapist said BPD behavior, maybe your therapist also discussed how the illness generates that behavior?

pwBPD  (people with BPD)  have very poor impulse control, harmfully intense emotions and unstable sense of self,  fears of abandonment and rejection and difficulty with executive function.

isn't that a mouthful?   it's certainly a lot to understand.   

Your relationship was a lot like mine in many ways.   So I will say that the reason I had a hard time moving on was in many ways we were mirror images of each other.   I poured a lot of myself into the relationship.    Felt I had found my soul mate.    and even when things turned bad... .tried to do what I could to salvage the relationship.    It felt like we fit like a hand and glove because in many ways her dysfunction matched my dysfunction.

I would suggest the way out is to work to grow yourself.    Growing yourself so that when you look back you'll say well, it was nice for a while but she isn't what I would be interested in now.

what do you think?

'ducks

[justanotherperso]

Thanks babyducks, I appreciate your reply. Since then, I’ve built a massive reputation in my professional life and I’m more comfortable with my social life by expanding my social circle. I’ll talk to my therapist again and  see how it goes. I hope for the best.