My life is being destroyed and im being victimized

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im being blackmailed, extorted, and sexually harassed by a BPD partner. I've desperately been trying to get away from her for several months but she keeps me prisoner with threats of bodily harm to herself and with threats of false allegations against me. She sends me screen shots of composed messages to friends, family, and co-workers that explain how im beating and raping her. Of course, she's never sent the messages but that's also because I've always caved and given into her demands. In today's climate of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct allegations, it seems a single allegation is enough to bring down an entire life and career.

Im terrified she will stop at nothing to control me and keep me in this relationship. She shows all the signs of a very extreme low functioning BPD. She also has obsessive love disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, and PTSD. She has isolated me from all friends and family. I am not allowed to do a single thing other than work and even that is often a struggle. At times she requires hours of my attention during the work day. The delusional jealousy prevents me from being able to do a single thing outside of my normal work schedule. She is killing me and everything in my life I care about. She controls every aspect of my life.

She knows how much I hate her and want nothing to do with her but she refuses to leave me alone. I've begged and pleased with her to please just leave me alone. I've been nothing but kind and caring to her. In fact, the kindest and most caring person she's ever met which is partly why she's become so obsessed. She idealizes me and everything about me. Even my less desirable traits she idealizes.

I deal with her on a 24/7 basis. It's pushed me to emotional places I never thought possible.

I am prominent enough where her allegations (and anything else she can come up with to keep me) could be significantly dangerous to my life/career and I just feel absolutely trapped, scared, depressed, and hopeless.

[Revalescent]

Im being blackmailed, extorted, and sexually harassed by a BPD partner. I've desperately been trying to get away from her for several months but she keeps me prisoner with threats of bodily harm to herself and with threats of false allegations against me. She sends me screen shots of composed messages to friends, family, and co-workers that explain how im beating and raping her. Of course, she's never sent the messages but that's also because I've always caved and given into her demands. In today's climate of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct allegations, it seems a single allegation is enough to bring down an entire life and career.

Im terrified she will stop at nothing to control me and keep me in this relationship. She shows all the signs of a very extreme low functioning BPD. She also has obsessive love disorder, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, and PTSD. She has isolated me from all friends and family. I am not allowed to do a single thing other than work and even that is often a struggle. At times she requires hours of my attention during the work day. The delusional jealousy prevents me from being able to do a single thing outside of my normal work schedule. She is killing me and everything in my life I care about. She controls every aspect of my life.

She knows how much I hate her and want nothing to do with her but she refuses to leave me alone. I've begged and pleased with her to please just leave me alone. I've been nothing but kind and caring to her. In fact, the kindest and most caring person she's ever met which is partly why she's become so obsessed. She idealizes me and everything about me. Even my less desirable traits she idealizes.

I deal with her on a 24/7 basis. It's pushed me to emotional places I never thought possible.

I am prominent enough where her allegations (and anything else she can come up with to keep me) could be significantly dangerous to my life/career and I just feel absolutely trapped, scared, depressed, and hopeless.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Revalescent and welcome 

I'm so very glad that you posted.  I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling and I'm afraid to say that I can relate to the feelings of desperately wanting out and not feeling safe to exit easily.  Being in a situation like this stretches a person to their emotional limits.  Are you getting any sleep?  The collective fear, stress, depression, anxiety and lack of rest can make us feel like we're totally stuck and unable to move in any direction.  What you're experiencing is terrible abusive behaviour and you already know that, so I'm not telling you anything new.  However I feel I need to let you know that because of this you have rights and options. 

Do you have all of the messages she has sent you?  I do hope that you are covering yourself by saving evidence of the threats.  If you have kept these, my advice is to walk into the nearest police station and show them the messages.  If you don't yet have any evidence, make it a priority to acquire some.  Covertly record conversation if necessary.  There are some good apps out there that don't show on your screen when in use.
 Also, I'd encourage you to prioritise finding your local domestic abuse service and arrange to see them during a lunch break or take an hour off work if necessary to do so.  Speaking to an advocate who deals with this stuff all the time will help you to feel hope again and having someone in support of you can restore some confidence in yourself and your right to be treated better than this.  I'd be tempted to make your employer aware of the situation.  You need to protect yourself.  Are you able to reach out to friends and family during your working day?  Isolation can make the whole situation seem so much worse and more frightening for sure.  Dealing with this alone is the hardest part and is part of the process. 

Getting out of a r/s such as this with such threats and behaviours involved needs to be done in a careful, considered way and not on impulse.  The local domestic abuse service can help you with planning the safest way to do this when the time comes.  That guidance can be invaluable. 

How long has the r/s been and how long has this behaviour been going on for?  Stay in touch.  We're here for you.

Love and light x 

[hope2727]

I had some similar thoughts. I think is incredibly important to get ahead of any false accusations. Go speak to your local police. Show them the texts. Screen shot those texts and email them to a trusted friend and to yourself so you have a second copy for safekeeping. Then seek legal counsel.

Now as for being on the conflicted board. Are you wanting to salvage this relationship? Or are you trying to detach from it? I am just trying to understand where you are coming from.

I think that you have to take these threats seriously. There are many members here who have been accused of horrible things they didn't do and it ripped their life apart. Be very careful.

[SlyQQ]

A body camera if it is legal a must from now on, or a surveilence system, one person here said record record record,

[heartandwhole]

Hi Revalescent,

I'm sorry that things have gotten so bad in your relationship. That is incredibly stressful and exhausting. Being isolated from friends and family is a terrible situation to be in. I'm glad you reached out to us. We're here to support you. 

Has there been actual physical violence between you and your partner? If I've understood correctly, she has been threatening to harm herself (but not you) and threatening to accuse you of harming her. Do I have that right?

I recommend reaching out ASAP to trusted friends and family. Let them know what is going on—about the threats being made. If you have been isolated, people who care about you don't know what is going on. It is often said that "sunlight is the best disinfectant." Let others know what you are dealing with. You need support and backup, especially if your partner ever goes through with her threats.

Here is a helpful thread about domestic violence for men that I encourage you to have a look at when you can. It deals with the unique challenges that men face when partners (falsely) accuse them of domestic violence:

Domestic Violence: Men

Harley Quinn also mentioned calling local resources, such as a DV hotline. The people there have access to resources that you may not even know exist. Some states even offer free counseling, so please do reach out.

Keep posting. It helps to share.

heartandwhole

[formflier]

Can you give us some he said/she said of a situation where you felt blackmailed, extorted and sexually harassed?

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this and I hope we can better understand your situation, so that we can help you take back the power in your life.

 

FF 

[Revalescent]

Thank you everyone for the kind and caring responses. A few responses to your questions... .

I do not want to be in this relationship in any way, shape, or form. I am not trying to salvage it. I am trying desperately to get out of it. I am being held against my will by the fear of false allegations.

I've started collecting all the harassing and threatening calls, conversations, and messages. Unfortunately, the very worst of it came before I was prepared and before I really understood the extent of her illness and the extent of the danger she posed to me. Now that I have 100% given into her demands, the ongoing threats are not as intense but Im capturing plenty of material.

There has never been any physical violence between us but she does regularly harm herself (mostly through cutting), and very regularly threatens suicide by overdosing and "jumping". Her suicide threats come with additional threats to me. She says she's going to leave behind letters with false accusations. Her suicide threats often include phrases like "when you're rotting in jail I hope you remember that none of this had to happen and all you had to do was love me". Of course, as soon as I give in to whatever she needs in that moment, she's back to being obsessively in love with me.

She has fully bulldozed herself into my life and is now living with me. She doesn't work and is entirely financially dependent on me. I have to care for her, buy her essentials, her food, and gifts. She forces me to have sex with her even though she knows I don't want to. She forces me to do pretty much everything she wants. She forces to me to proactively behave like I want to be in the relationship with her. I have to pretend.

I often have to pay her just to get a little sense of normalcy in my life. If I have a work obligation that requires time outside of my normal work schedule, I have to pay her to behave. Even when I pay her, I get manipulated into paying her more because she starts behaving badly which requires me to increase my offer. Sometimes she flat out demands I buy her something. I have to go through this for something as simple as going to a work related event. If she doesn't hear from me for 20 or 30 minutes she'll say something like "Im starting to lose my patience" which sends shock waves of fear into me because I've seen the extent of her damage when she "looses her patience."

Her delusional jealousy is so bad that I can't so much as pet a female dog without getting in trouble.

BPD is so incredibly complex because not everything about her is all bad. She can be incredibly sweet and loving. Very caring and kind. She's SO polite out in public. She knows how to behave in public. That is how I got myself stuck in this because her behavior was exposed to me very slowly. I had never previously been exposed to mental illness so I didn't see the signs. I thought I could help her. I cared about her. I thought I could get her through this. I was wrong.

Im working with a lawyer now to come up with a plan. The second I pull the trigger on removing her from my life I have no doubt that her new obsession will become trying to destroy my life. She says she has nothing without me so she sees me leaving her as grounds to destroy me. She wants to take everything away from me if I take everything away from her.

I often feel as though Im living under the rule of a 4yr old. An incredibly bad 4yr old.

[formflier]

It's good that you have a L and are working on a plan.

Do you have a therapist or "T" (as we call them on these boards)?

It is likely that you have quite a bit of work to do regarding better understanding boundaries and who controls whose actions in a relationship.

When do you expect your L to take action?

FF

[Revalescent]

I

It's good that you have a L and are working on a plan.

Do you have a therapist or "T" (as we call them on these boards)?

It is likely that you have quite a bit of work to do regarding better understanding boundaries and who controls whose actions in a relationship.

When do you expect your L to take action?

FF

I don't have a T, no. I've always had incredible emotional strength but no doubt I could use some support from a therapist.

I should say I *had* a lawyer whom I didn't care for so Im in the process of getting a new lawyer and coming up with a plan.

[DaddyBear77]

This post crossed with FF’s post and your post... .

I guess I’m a little confused. I understand the sense of obligation and emotional connection you feel with your partner, but what legal or physical means is she using to restrain you from leaving? Are you married? Does she have something legitimate with which she can black mail or extort you? Is there something more that could come to light other than “she said he said”?

Believe me when I tell you, I absolutely get the threats and the extreme fear of having these false allegations spread. My wife has spent 2 or 3 years speaking to victim advocates, and she has a pretty impressive following of Facebook friends ready to roast me at a moments notice. It’s gotten especially bad since the election and the awareness campaigns regarding sexual harassemrnt and abuse.

However... .

I have a list of 2 or 3 lawyers ready to strike the minute I say “go.” One has even discussed a proactive strategy with me to get the courts immediately on alert. My therapists have strongly urged me to speak to local police to protect against the threatened 911 call she’ll make if she doesn’t like what I said or did. It’s ridiculous and my therapists and lawyers know it. Are you in a position where you can start to get some proactive support in this matter?

We have many  members who have gone through similar situations, Revalescent. It’s scary and intimidating but I promise you there’s a way through this.

[Revalescent]

This post crossed with FF’s post and your post... .

I guess I’m a little confused. I understand the sense of obligation and emotional connection you feel with your partner, but what legal or physical means is she using to restrain you from leaving? Are you married? Does she have something legitimate with which she can black mail or extort you? Is there something more that could come to light other than “she said he said”?

Believe me when I tell you, I absolutely get the threats and the extreme fear of having these false allegations spread. My wife has spent 2 or 3 years speaking to victim advocates, and she has a pretty impressive following of Facebook friends ready to roast me at a moments notice. It’s gotten especially bad since the election and the awareness campaigns regarding sexual harassemrnt and abuse.

However... .

I have a list of 2 or 3 lawyers ready to strike the minute I say “go.” One has even discussed a proactive strategy with me to get the courts immediately on alert. My therapists have strongly urged me to speak to local police to protect against the threatened 911 call she’ll make if she doesn’t like what I said or did. It’s ridiculous and my therapists and lawyers know it. Are you in a position where you can start to get some proactive support in this matter?

We have many  members who have gone through similar situations, Revalescent. It’s scary and intimidating but I promise you there’s a way through this.

I've lost my sense of obligation to her. Im now being controlled entirely be fear. I haven't shared all the details of my situation but given my circumstances I do fear she could inflict significant damage on my career and reputation. I think the sexual harassment movement going on is a really great thing but I also think we're living in an environment of condemn first, ask questions later.

What is the proactive strategy your lawyers have suggested? How do you get courts on alert prior to an accusation? Also curious why you have 2-3 lawyers instead of just 1?

[DaddyBear77]

Sorry. Let me be clear. I’ve consulted 3 attorneys over the past year. One of them seemed to have a solid plan and proposed a proactive approach and I’d likely use that attorney if I move forward. I also have a bankruptcy attorney as a separate matter. I’ve also retained a 3rd attorney in the past in an attempt to settle another matter regarding my wife’s threats against my parents. I don’t want to go into details here, but my point is, legal advice and representation is one of the only anecdotes to smear campaigns, especially when it involves matters that could affect your career and financial life. I’d encourage you to post on the Family Law section if you’d like to explore this further. I’d also suggest you read the book Splitting - protecting yourself when divorcing the borderline - there’s even a chapter in that book about the smear campaigns.

Regarding the current atmosphere of harassment allegations, also keep in mind that one of the very first things that men being accused of such behavior do is get an attorney. Also, not everyone who is accused goes on to admit they’ve done something wrong. Some go on to run a nearly successful senate campaign, for example, and manage to get the full support of very influential people. Just because you’re accused doesn’t mean the end of everything. Get help. Stand up for yourself. Being victimized doesn’t mean you’re a victim.

I want you to know that I live these kinds of accusations every day, so I have an incredible amount of empathy for what you’re experiencing. I want you to know we’re here for you and many of us have been here. If you feel comfortable sharing some more specifics I’m sure we can help tailor some suggestions for you and help you through this.

Hang in there, Revaleacent. 

[SlyQQ]

hugs , too it gets particularly nasty when they start attacking you via kids and parents.

[Turkish]

A therapist would be educated on some legal issues.  I found mine invaluable in that I had someone safe to talk to.  I was previously negative on the profession due to my experience being abandoned in family therapy by my BPD mother when I was 13. My T observed this early on.  We moved past it.  He was a lifeline.

Regarding she knowing how to behave publicly? That she behaves much differently behind closed doors means that how she behaves is a conscious choice.  A PD is no excuse.  

[Meili]

You have been given some great advice about contacting your local authorities and letting them know what is going on, your fears, and your concerns before anything happens. As scary as it is, exposure can be your best ally in a situation like yours.

Have you contacted the authorities to let them know what is going on? If not, what are you afraid will happen if you do?