Tis the season?

[Jessica84]

Why does it ramp up this time of year? The projection, accusations, blame -- the BIZARRE rages that last for hours or days, and over such trivial things... .

Why don't I like a movie 74% of people online like? Why does HE have to change the channel even though he asked for the remote? Why would I suggest this website over that one? Why would I buy bananas when I know he hates bananas, except that he loves bananas, but not today. Today I bought bananas because I hate him... .

Hard to believe these all led to cursing, stomping, screaming rages. During one episode, I stormed out and called him a "psycho".  Yeah, I know better, but I didn't care. Didn't have it in me to calm the storm or validate his lunacy or try to understand his twisted mind and look for his feelings.  I just wanted away from his insanity. But it followed me... .with hateful texts! I wrote him back one text and ignored all the rest: "You're right. I'm a terrible person. Can't talk now. Sorry." Hours later, after he got bored text-bombing, I get "We should kiss and make up."

In another crazed argument, I just left the room while he muttered to himself. Minutes later, he came in grinning with some chocolate "peace offering" and told me to "please stop fighting with him" ?  Ah yes, I so enjoy a good fight with an irrational lunatic. He said he had to "walk on eggshells" because I had anger issues. It's infuriating but laughable, too ridiculous to argue. He's a loose cannon one minute, polite and charming the next. Luckily, I know my reality. But lately I can't seem to find my patience, tolerance, or compassion. I need those to survive this Seasonal Madman Syndrome! How do you deal with it, esp. this time of year? Is there a different way to validate in winter? I got the FLU shot. Is there an SMS shot?  

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[ortac77]

Hi

After many months of relative calm I too have had the holiday season from hell! Years of living with a partner with BPD have taught me to dread the holiday season!

I think the stress of Christmas & New Year plays on everybody, when I take a step backwards it kind of looks like organised insanity  - its hardly any wonder that it triggers those who have an illness of emotional instability.

Seasonal madmen shot - what a good idea perhaps everyone should be given one!

As usual as we enter January I find myself thinking thank goodness thats over, hope things improve for you too

[pearlsw]

Hi Jessica84,

I hear ya! It can certainly be tough and beyond belief at times. Thank goodness I have a close relationship with reality myself! I really hear ya on that!

I had an experience, oh a month or two ago, where I was tired of my h's stuff and slipped up a bit, just didn't feel like being compassionate and nice, lost my patience for a bit. But I tell ya, I feel like it is so much better when I have myself under control, at least that is how I feel. I wonder sometimes though if I stifle my anger too much. Oh geez, you can never really tell! But one thing I don't do is beat myself up over it. Just keep learning and moving forward!

In some ways I've experienced "improvements" in my relationship, in others I wonder if he's just learned a more calm way to "rage" at me. He is trying the silent treatment technique this time. He has a lot of tricks and techniques to try to grind me down. He will not get his way. We'll be together or not in the long run, but I refuse to be miserable about it. It takes a lot of fortitude!

I would just suggest, and feel free to ignore, that now might be a good time to relearn/study up on the skills here and get yourself re-centered. The tools aren't foolproof, but they are nice to have handy when troubling situations arise.

Do you use any of the tools here? Find any particularly useful? If you had it to do over again how might have handled this past situation differently? I'm sincerely asking because the last few holiday seasons have not been fun, just keep getting more and more difficult.

wishing you peace and happiness!

pearlsw

[Jessica84]

As usual as we enter January I find myself thinking thank goodness thats over, hope things improve for you too

Omg, yes! I've come to dread Halloween to New Year's. Nothing to do with the holidays really. We don't do them full-blown anyway. I think it's more to do with the weather. This year, the cold gray days came late so it's only been a few weeks of him howling at the moon. One good thing about the south is sunshine for most of the year. Summer rain doesn't bother him. He was overjoyed to go rescue people during the floods of Harvey. But... .Cold + Rain = Insanity!

[Jessica84]

But I tell ya, I feel like it is so much better when I have myself under control, at least that is how I feel. I wonder sometimes though if I stifle my anger too much. Oh geez, you can never really tell! But one thing I don't do is beat myself up over it. Just keep learning and moving forward!

Absolutely! I used to hold back my anger, but I use the tools to direct it better now. They keep me grounded enough to where I can still get upset but use the tools to keep a lid on his reactions/emotions. The problem is it stops working in December... everything sets him off. Validation doesn't work. He'll find something in SET to use against me. It is beyond frustrating. Sometimes the only thing that works is parroting him - literally repeating his words back to him so he can hear what I hear:

him:  Did you drop your brain on the floor?
me:  Did I drop my BRAIN on the FLOOR?
him: sorry. That was mean.

him: Watch your tone with me!
me: Watch my TONE?
him: You sound angry
me: I sound ANGRY? I just asked if you wanted a drink while I'm up?
him: Oh. Sure. Sprite please

him: (screaming) I wish I had a tape recording of how you talk to me!
me: me too! Let's start doing that! I'd love to hear a tape so I know what I'm saying wrong.
him: You are such a b---h
me: Yes, like that, when I just now called you a b---h
him: (silence)

him: I'm not a big fan of ham. And I don't like eggs. God, it's like you don't know me at all!
me: Well I was going to make you an omelet but I didn't know you weren't a BIG FAN.
him: I love omelets! 

[waverider]

Hard to believe these all led to cursing, stomping, screaming rages. During one episode, I stormed out and called him a "psycho".  Yeah, I know better, but I didn't care. Didn't have it in me to calm the storm or validate his lunacy or try to understand his twisted mind and look for his feelings.  I just wanted away from his insanity. But it followed me... .with hateful texts! I wrote him back one text and ignored all the rest: "You're right. I'm a terrible person. Can't talk now. Sorry." Hours later, after he got bored text-bombing, I get "We should kiss and make up."

In another crazed argument, I just left the room while he muttered to himself. Minutes later, he came in grinning with some chocolate "peace offering" and told me to "please stop fighting with him" ?  Ah yes, I so enjoy a good fight with an irrational lunatic. He said he had to "walk on eggshells" because I had anger issues. It's infuriating but laughable, too ridiculous to argue. He's a loose cannon one minute, polite and charming the next. Luckily, I know my reality. But lately I can't seem to find my patience, tolerance, or compassion. I need those to survive this Seasonal Madman Syndrome! How do you deal with it, esp. this time of year? Is there a different way to validate in winter? I got the FLU shot. Is there an SMS shot?  

Totally relate to this, at times it just gets too much and you just have to be elsewhere before you implode. Knowing how to be proactice rather than reactive because you didn't disengage early enough is the magic skill we strive for.

Festive seasons break normal routine, and things are less predictable and subject to working around others. This makes pwBPD  feel vulnerable. It seems the only way around this is to make events, less of events. Then again you may get the guilt trip of "ruined xmas' etc, as they may want the fuss, but can't actually cope with the fuss. Catch 22.

[Notwendy]

I actually think your responses are good- maybe I am wrong about this but look at how quickly they diffused the situation. The tools on this board- validation, SET, do not JADE are great, but also what you did was respond like someone who was not in a relationship with a pwBPD would respond to outlandish accusations. You treated him like you would if a normal person said something outlandish to you. I think the former pattern is to JADE and soothe- which seems to validate the accusation. What you did was respond from a position of truth to them- that is insane- and it seemed to break the pattern.

I think the accusation is part of the pattern. If this results in being soothed or rescued, then if works. I think also when we walk on eggshells- we are afraid of the reality check that could break the pattern.

When you repeat to him what he said to you- he can hear it- it makes no sense. Ok so saying " you are a psycho" isn't the best way to say it- but you were honest, being authentic, and not WOE. You did not add to the emotional drama with your responses.

[Jessica84]

Yeah, the psycho comment wasn't nice, and I apologized for it later. It fit though! He did admit he can overreact... gee, ya think?

This all stemmed from me saying I didn't find a movie funny. He tried to convince me that it was. I didn't debate him. I didn't care either way. I hadn't seen the movie in 20 years! Things escalated before I knew it. He went online and validated himself because critics and fans rated the movie 74%. Pushed the phone in my face to show me. I shrugged it off and said I guess I'm in the minority. I honestly thought that would be the end of it. Then he started yelling and cursing, stomping around, slamming doors. Then came out and yelled at me to get out of his house! Over a movie. On Christmas Eve.

Later, he said I was "unwilling to acknowledge his opinion". I forget that with BPD, having a different opinion from theirs is invalidating. So once I got that, I was able to validate him. I still think it was an outrageous thing to get so upset over. How his brain must work that he can justify such a crazy rant. Not psychotic at all.

[Jessica84]

Festive seasons break normal routine, and things are less predictable and subject to working around others. This makes pwBPD  feel vulnerable. It seems the only way around this is to make events, less of events. Then again you may get the guilt trip of "ruined xmas' etc, as they may want the fuss, but can't actually cope with the fuss. Catch 22.

This is a good point. He's like this on his birthday. Wants a big fuss made, but when I've tried to make it happen, he says he doesn't and foils the plans. Then he's upset that "no one cares".

[ortac77]

I think the holiday season, birthdays etc are major traumatic events for persons with BPD. Even when the 'non' does everything possible to reduce the trauma, keep things calm and balanced it will still go horribly wrong.

The best I can figure it out is that my way of thinking is 'keep it simple' acknowledge the event, presents etc but keep it low key - if possible talk about the event beforehand and make plans together. All very logical, all very adult.

However I think that denies the BPD way of thinking in that I am starting to see that it is all very invalidating however well intentioned. I think for my pwBPD it 'should' mean something, and a whole load of pent up emotions surface that seem little to do with the event itself. The distorted thinking that results feeds upon itself and ups the ante.

After months of slow improvement this Christmas has been not about the 'here and now' but about his unresolved family issues from the past - by dragging these into the present he has become emotionally dysregulated and alternating between vulnerable and angry child.

How do we cope with this? For me to keep using the tools, keeping in the now but also I am now thinking about the strategies to use for future events

2018 - looking forward I want to put the past two weeks behind me and find a better way forward - primarily for me whilst also finding ways to help my partner - at this stage it is encouraging him to continue his DBT and ensuring that i also maintain my own support.

Ortac x