Struggling with the abuse post break up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi me and my partner were together just over a year. We have broken up dozens of times well over 40, I initiated 3 of them. normally my ex cools down and will come to my house or send an olive branch and I take it after lengthy discussions and because of how much I love her. Through this relationship I have lost one close friend that happens to be her sister. Me and her sister knew each other before we got together. My family does not like her or are reluctant to get to know her based on the small amount of time they've spent with her. My wider circle of friends have now started avoiding me and us too. We split on Christmas day eve and I was doing really well. She blamed it all on me like usual how in such a terrible person to do it to her on Christmas day when the.truth is actually the reverse.i have avoided everywhere she would be since then. Except for NYE we were in the same place thru mutual friends. I had actually planned to leave before I expected her arrival but I had a lot to drink and she arrived early. She tried to interact with me twice both times were to guilt trip. Eventually she left. Today she has sent me torrents of more abuse. I've been reading on the internet how to cope with BPD break ups the last two hours and crying. I just feel like I've gone 10 paces back just from seeing her last night and briefly engaging today but receiving reams and reams of abuse and guilt tripping and threats. Telling me if I'm not careful I will lose everything.its felt like she wants me just to take anything she says and I must respond to everything with kind calm words, she made a point today that if there's no more trouble ppl will forgive and forget what I did. But the trouble is always from her. I would normally write a plan for coping over the next few weeks but it just feels unbearable now after seeing her last night and time feels so slow and I've no enthusiasm  i just want some relief now.Iknow now that I really really need to leave the place if she is going to be there and I cannot trust myself to do that after a drink.

[Nicole1018]

Hi me and my partner were together just over a year. We have broken up dozens of times well over 40, I initiated 3 of them. normally my ex cools down and will come to my house or send an olive branch and I take it after lengthy discussions and because of how much I love her. Through this relationship I have lost one close friend that happens to be her sister. Me and her sister knew each other before we got together. My family does not like her or are reluctant to get to know her based on the small amount of time they've spent with her. My wider circle of friends have now started avoiding me and us too. We split on Christmas day eve and I was doing really well. She blamed it all on me like usual how in such a terrible person to do it to her on Christmas day when the.truth is actually the reverse.i have avoided everywhere she would be since then. Except for NYE we were in the same place thru mutual friends. I had actually planned to leave before I expected her arrival but I had a lot to drink and she arrived early. She tried to interact with me twice both times were to guilt trip. Eventually she left. Today she has sent me torrents of more abuse. I've been reading on the internet how to cope with BPD break ups the last two hours and crying. I just feel like I've gone 10 paces back just from seeing her last night and briefly engaging today but receiving reams and reams of abuse and guilt tripping and threats. Telling me if I'm not careful I will lose everything.its felt like she wants me just to take anything she says and I must respond to everything with kind calm words, she made a point today that if there's no more trouble ppl will forgive and forget what I did. But the trouble is always from her. I would normally write a plan for coping over the next few weeks but it just feels unbearable now after seeing her last night and time feels so slow and I've no enthusiasm  i just want some relief now.Iknow now that I really really need to leave the place if she is going to be there and I cannot trust myself to do that after a drink.

[Inside]

That sounds all too familiar….  And if what you’ve read about BPD matches what you’ve experienced, let alone what you’ve just described, I’d suggest No Contact.  I’d met my X-BP partner through mutual friends, and though we also had multiple breakups, sure enough, there we’d be again amid friends and alcohol… 

The base behavior will not change, they can’t.  We appear to lose ourselves as we give more and more and more away... They can only give the elution of love, then begin projecting their limitations at us, as if ‘it’s all our fault.’  They become expert at this!  Whereas, it’s the first time we’ve likely experienced it, love-bombed, then threatened... ?

It’s never ending, and the more we take, the less respect they have for us.  The more we stand up, the more intense their search becomes for our ‘replacement,’ which is often extremely close. ... .oh, the breaking up of friendships, loss of respect from family... all too familiar stuff... .

Holliday’s freak out pw(people with)BPD, generally leading to high drama. But that’s no excuse or reason for you to ‘forgive & forget.’  Sever the ties you can, if you have a chance meeting - show no emotion (that’s critical), and (force yourself to) maintain no contact by any means. 

Don’t be surprised if you’re quickly ‘replaced,’ they’re need for personal validation through admiration has them constantly ‘on the hunt,’ and it’s very difficult - if not impossible for them to ignore another r/s (relationship) opportunity...   Often, we’re placed 'on the shelf,' with just enough attention to keep us there … as they play with the next shiny object… Don't let that happen...

If it’s BPD you’ve been dealing with, you’re at the right place - reams of info!  And as you read, no doubt ‘identical experiences’ everywhere!  The only difference being, as it was for me, we’re all at different levels of recovery.  We’ve experienced the equivalent of a serious drug, often requiring counseling for recovery on our parts to shake it. Seek that if this becomes too much for you alone; BPD behavior is well know, and professional sympathy abounds...   And use family and friends for support, it sounds like they’d be more than happy to help you stay clear…  It’s amazing how others can see what we apparently can’t while in the middle of the storm...

I’ll shut up, but you be strong - you’re not alone ~

[Nicole1018]

Hi thank you for your response. It's reassuring to hear someone confirming and adding to my suspicions.she has been diagnosed with BPD, before that it was bipolar 2 depression anxiety PTSD.
I've got to point where I need to speak about it because she has suggested that I have BPD. And all my friends and family  now no longer want to hear it or be involved. Ihave wondered if I have BPD myself but as with lots of mental disorders everyone matches a couple of the symptoms.its just very muddled now cause everything that she does and that I think about her she says to me like it's me. Overtime I've realised that I'm her mirror and now it's only a matter of time before she will adopt my exact opinion and language but say it to me. It's amazing that someone who has such emotional issues can be so capable of this type of manipulation. In some ways she emotionally inept but in others she's emotionally astute.more so than me.
I think if I have BDp I have it no where near the level she has. And I have had successful relationships. When I talk to friends who know us both they always say it's her and I'm too good for her, around 20 ppl including her two sisters warned me away from her right at the beginning. It's just very hard now cause obviously some of what she had said to me has stuck. This morning I've signed up to the white wall website for help with depression. I already started a course with NHS alcohol services a couple of months ago. That's because my doctor advised I must sort out the drinking before I'm accepted for further help. I've been on.antidepressants for four years and have accepted CBT and counselling and ipt before for my own reasonsm. Although tbh it's always a hard relationship that gives me the final push to do it as that's what makes me feel I can't cope.
On Nye I was emotionless but she sent me messages with wild accusations and I responded to try clear my name. She is doing a smear campaign at the moment. I was thinking of changing my mobile number as my phone doesn't totally block her number. I just didn't want to cause of the hassle and I've had that number 10 years.

[Inside]

Very often a diagnosis of BPD is avoided, some insurance companies refuse to cover it as they (rightfully) consider it incurable…  So I’m not surprised her first diagnosis was ‘bipolar 2 depression anxiety PTSD.’  That would have at least got her into ‘the system’ for treatment…

They are/ become masters of projection, and if she’d been diagnosed with BPD and was aware of it’s symptoms, as sick as it sounds... she’d very likely accuse you of them... .  I’d experienced some of the same from my BPx, out of the blue, and totally off the mark.  But at the time, for her, I suppose ‘it worked,’ as she had me doubting myself just long enough to take the focus off her. And yes, seems everyone has various traits for some PD…

Forget where I ‘found it,’ but am pretty sure I’ve heard two people with BPD instantly clash, long before any kind of a r/s can form.  But, ‘the one’ combo that appears to last the longest is that between BPD and N(narcissistic)PD … it’s almost humorous why, but I’ll skip that...   Yes, pwBPD are expert of ‘mirroring’ your moods and reading you.  Hollow by comparison, your ‘mood’ often becomes ‘theirs.’ 

I’m believing you… You were warned away by friends and family, too!  That, says a lot…  Yes, I’d experienced the same, from some very knowledgeable folks...   But no, I was in love - and I'd have none of that   

Responding as I read here…  You say ‘some of what she’s said has stuck.’  I’ve a tagline below that may not make sense to some - but what you’ve described is what I mean by it: “The part of this that’s ‘us’ is our willingness to doubt ourselves.”  We are ‘chosen’ for a reason, I feel it’s because we are good and giving people, quick to doubt ourselves and help others.  That behavior is likely their idea of a Bullseye!  Yes, we are some kind of wonderful … but no one can stand, nor deserves the ringer we’re put through...

If depression from a BPD encounter isn’t enough, piled on top of a natural tendency toward it, as I have myself, follow your Dr’s advice.  And though drinking may numb it, I’ve found that clear-headedness pulls you away far faster! 

pwBPD often look for someone with ‘codependent’ capability, meaning enough personal problems to overlook theirs ... then stagger along while leaning on each other. I’d been going through some very tuff stuff ... and now feel I’d been ‘targeted’ for the same reason, that of being down.  I recovered though, and she couldn’t.  ... .I suspect that’s another reason they don’t want us whole or healthy, they must assume we’d no longer want them - so likely do their best to keep us down and damaged.  -- I’m still sorting through this crap too!

Ya know, Anger can be your friend at times like this, use it.  So what if she can find you, that’s what they do, they bounce between (victims) people, and, they stalk.  And, they lie.  So when she creeps back to you, view her as the threat she is - get pissed (Angry) that your boundaries have been violated -- then stay stone cold emotionally void.  Nothing turns them away faster than someone they can’t read.  With her, become that someone.  It gives you back the control and power - and deprives them of the drama they crave. 

I don’t think this is you, so please take care of you, with all you’ve got 

[pest]

I just wanted to say thanks to "Inside". The explaination I think wonderful.

[Numbers321]

Personally, I'm trying not drinking very much / at all until the whole thing is wrapped up.  Hard to do over festive season (I indulged xmas day). Benefits are: booze is bad for mood; losing your edge when you need calm and focus.

Inside's advice on staying objective closely matches my experience so far.

Read the abuse like some soviet era propaganda.  Don't let it stick inside you just because Pravda declared you an enemy of the people. While you may be named in an article the level of truth there might be near zero. Give up on the idea that they'll validate your thoughts and feelings given a chance to explain yourself or if you wait long enough. Pravda isn't going to publish a correction. That's how this world works, and the sooner we match our expectations to reality the less painful living with that reality is.