Should I Attempt to Re-Engage After 3 Months?

[stixx44]

Hi... .

I’ve been separated from my gf for three months now.  I have not made any contact, as she was the one who wanted to end the relationship.  Her reason?  She was becoming too obsessed with me, too vulnerable. (Her words). To be clear, I never made demands on her time... .I don’t need to be “joined at the hip” in a relationship.  She did.

After spending countless hours on these boards and learning about validation and possible ways to deal with situations, I feel I’m in a position to possibly take a chance of establishing contact.

Let me back up and say that on Dec 26 and Jan 1 she texted me how much she missed me, loved me, missed us... .but always with the caveat that “I know I can never go back to you.”  I did not respond in kind.  I just gently changed the subject to a more general topical.  I haven’t heard from her since, but we have not seen each other in over three months.  These two texts initiated by her have been the only contacts.

Through our year together, her constant refrain to me was “You don’t understand how much I love you.  I don’t fall in love—ever.  I don’t know how this happened.”  I didn’t take it as a compliment because whenever she said it, she was truly puzzled.  I believed her.  She was clingy, needy, tried to isolate me from friends, —all those traits I read about.   Sometimes I would give in from sheer exhaustion.  Most times I would fight back. (Wrong move)

Another interesting insight was when she told me in a very calm moment that all of her other exes put her on a pedestal and treated her like a queen (Her words).  She said I didn’t do that and she found that attractive.

She was never physically abusive and never cheated.  Just totally insecure and prone to very bad arguments that came out of nowhere.  Like the nursery rhyme of the little girl with a curl:  when she was good, she was very, very good.  When she was bad, she was horrid.

I can see now, after reading and learning, why she behaved in certain situations as she did.  I can also see (and this is where I have hope), where I went wrong.  I could have used some of these skills to diffuse situations rather than escalate them.

The reason I am considering seeing her again is because I never doubted her love for me (and still don’t.  In her text of Jan 1 she asked me if I thought she could ever see me down the line and not be in love with me.).   I also feel calmer, more stable, and emotionally ready to try to deal with our relationship differently.

I am prepared for her to say no to trying again.  That will hurt, but not as much as I’ve been hurt before in my life.  (I had a partner for 38 years in a very stable relationship who passed away from illness.  Everything else pales in comparison.)

I would like to see her for a casual “How are you” type meeting.  Coffee or something.  No talk about relationships, no pressure.  I would like to gain her trust (she has very little) and gain entrance back into her life again.  Slowly and carefully.

I feel I am emotionally prepared for either a welcome or a rejection.  If rejection is what occurs, then I will leave it for good and move on, knowing I did what I could.

Any advice?  Part of me feels that maybe I should leave her alone to get on with her life.  Another part of me thinks that maybe SHE feels abandoned by me since I never initiated contact and was only casual in my remarks to her texts.  Not true... .just trying to give her space without pressure.

A conundrum... .

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Stixx-

Hi there, I'm sorry that you're feeling the pain and confusion that the separation from your girlfriend is causing.  I am also deeply sorry that you lost your life partner... .I am sure that was heart-breaking.

I went back and read all your posts and it seems that you're really puzzling over whether you can have a casual relationship with your GF.  It also seems that when she recently expressed her feelings for you in texts, you avoided the topic of feelings.  In a large way, I don't blame you, because how are YOU supposed to answer her question about whether she could see you down the line and not be in love with you?

I don't know... .if you're really looking for direction, you may want to continue your own healing.  Really move forward and gain a better understanding of what boundaries would need to be established and held firm if SHE were to come back for a recycle.  And answer the question:  what would a recycle look like for YOU?  What behaviors would and would not be acceptable?  Are you willing to sacrifice your other friendships for this relationship (or could you establish that boundary from the get go?)... .

With her repeated expressions of "obsession,", and the fact that she left the relationship , I'm not sure the coffee thing would be a pleasant experience for either of you.  You're thinking of something "casual", and the chances are pretty good that she's incapable of handling a casual coffee conversation... .assuming she was being truthful with her declarations of love.

PwBPD can often leave us questioning whether we actually heard what we KNEW we heard.  They can feel and say things in the moment, and then a moment later, "POOF", (or BOOM!)  it's a completely different feeling (not always good)!

If you're looking to get together with her, I feel it would be good to have clarity about what you expect out of that meeting.

I cannot tell you what to do... .with "normal" people, a transition from being lovers to friends takes times IF it ever happens; with pwBPD, I'm just not certain how possible that transition is, because their emotions are so highly charged.

Please take care of your heart, because chances are pretty good that she won't.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[stixx44]

Gemsforeyes,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.  It seems my feelings of what I should do change from day to day.  At this moment, I think it’s best to wait for her to take the lead and contact me again before I try to see her.  She knows I’m always here for her. I have made that clear to her on numerous occasions.

In the meantime, I’m busy with friends and moving on with my life.  Hopefully, I can someday feel detached from her and not worry about her and her feelings for me. 

Of course, tomorrow I may feel different again... .

[juju2]

hi,  i have been separated from pwBPD since march, we are now in couples counseling, and the counselor is having us take baby steps, communication is key.  We are to meet up once a week on neutral ground, and have a conversation.  Like if we just met.we go to starbucks.  It could be anywhere.
  Nothing heavy.  What is happening is we are slowly reconnecting in a healthier way.  i have lost 50 lbs since then and he i able to own up to his part, both things huge.

hang in there, hope is present.  j

[pest]

I am really curious what will happen in this topic.

[SlyQQ]

Getting in a close intimate relationship for someone with BPD is toxic, it puts them at grave risk of dysregulating due to the emotional pressure it inevitable places them under, and ,terrible, things happening,

Your ex gf sounds like she realizes this , so do both of yourselves a favour and stay at arms length ( or further)