what if the issue is denied?

[Margot Az]

To begin, thank you to the persons taking some of their time to share their experiment and to give their feedback here. What I read so far on this platform sounds so relevant. Also, being given the opportunity to put words on things is also relieving.
I would like to describe how it goes since we met three years ago and how I started to suspect he has traits of borderline personality disorder.
At once, it was obvious to me that something was fragile. However, at this point, I had accepted since long that people couldn't be thoroughly "normal".
We now live together since two years. Along the first few months spent with him, things were indeed getting awkward. There were no conflicts between us, but rather sudden outbursts from him, negating me, that would leave me speechless and merely invalid. Some patterns settled very quickly meanwhile. When he was calm again, I would try to tell what I could/couldn't understand and eventually what I couldn't accept. However, to me, it was new to fear a partner's unexpected negativity and violent anger. Sometimes, this would  last for two or three days. Because after a crisis, he isolates himself in "his room", spends the whole days and nights lying on a bed with his laptop,  eats and drinks there.
I initially questioned my own attitudes, words and acts - as I don't consider myself as having an infallible nature. Nevertheless, I am a rather mature and calm person, so nothing usually sounds unsolvable to me if we will to improve the situation.  Despite that, I could'nt establish any communication when I was confronted to this behavior. It quickly appears that it just sounded impraticable to me. He would act regardless of his own selfrespect and other's. I had the alternatives of walking on eggshells or just walking away and focusing on my own activities - until he would have "restored" himself as he would say. 
So, I started to read whatever I could find, trying to explain my emotional states and thoughts that made me feel out of balance quite a few times in such "unreal" sequences. I just couldn't recognize my own feelings inwardly (a lot of confusion, anxiousness, at night especially). It occured to me, maybe, I wasn't assertive enough, lacking of self-confidence, etc... , which attitudes contrast with my usual ways (in my panel of qualities and defaults)! His sodden disconections practicalllly induce the strange sentiment of living with a complete stranger, a ghost.

The picture I try to describe looks black. Still, with time, a less visible part of it shows how my partner tries to improve his behavior, towards me mainly. Though,  time also allows me to discover how deeply he is stuck into self-destroying behaviors.
Hence, I continue to document myself and end up by suspecting that my partner  suffers from a mental disease as borderline disorder personality. I am not qualified to say so and I am not inclined to accept selfmade diagnostics.
What I am pratically certain of, is this man suffers. Also, I am subjected to unpleasant and painful moments in this relationship with him. I feel the need to protect myself.
it's not so much the relationship I wish to save at all cost, but both our wellbeing and health. Mine first, and his, eventually, if something can be done. I made some smooth attempts suggesting he or we could speak with someone about the wrong mechanisms between us and the distress he seems to go through sometimes. He refuses categorically to even think there might be a problem, although he can relate painfull facts and feelings when we speak together. Consulting anyone he, or we, could speak to is out of question according to him.
Given this, I am asking what I ought to do. I am not certain I can solve this on my own.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hi Margot,

being with a confused person can be confusing .

it's not so much the relationship I wish to save at all cost, but both our wellbeing and health. Mine first, and his, eventually, if something can be done. I made some smooth attempts suggesting he or we could speak with someone about the wrong mechanisms between us and the distress he seems to go through sometimes. He refuses categorically to even think there might be a problem, although he can relate painfull facts and feelings when we speak together. Consulting anyone he, or we, could speak to is out of question according to him.

You are trying to solve the challenges on a cognitive level but the real issues are on the emotional side with him. For your talking to work he would need to have sufficient self understanding particularly of the emotional side. But that is a blind spot for him even if it drives his behavior. Shining light into that dark corner from your vantage point can be done only to a very limiting degree. Unfortunately by "solving problems" you are very much risking invalidating him increasing his distress and decreasing ability to think rationale.

The LESSONs provide a framework for us to stay healthy and avoid making matters worse. It is the pwBPD job to get healthy themselves and there is usually little we can do to directly affect this. In general a "Solving" approach to the problem would require violating boundaries and leads to a more enmeshed relationship. The more we engage with the problem the more we become part of an unhealthy dynamic. Staying level and maintaining a healthy self interest can be provide a health role model and it also ensures we have the capacity to deal with sudden real emergencies. Healthy boundaries ensure the consequences of issues fall back on the pwBPD to eventually learn from. We can not change them but sooth (see workshops on Validation), provide a true North, give space when needed and be there when it counts.

,
ao

[Margot Az]

Thank you Ao for your lines. Your blind spot metaphor is explicit and categorical indeed.