Looking for advice

[RollerMom75]

My husband has had a very rough 4 months. He has BPD with depression. He has had 2 IPU admissions recently. The first one he took himself into the ER for SI/HI. The second I called crisis for SI. I admit, I’ve been trying hard and so is he. He’s been in an intensive DBT program for 3 weeks and I’m also learning the skills. I have absolutely been a trigger for him lately, mainly because I have a hard time when he isolates, stonewalls and withholds affection. I have said some awful things to him. On Wednesday we kissed and said goodbye, then he texted me at work wanting his guns. When I reminded him he can’t have them now he got angry and told me to let him cool down. When I got home from work he was gone. Moved out. Left a mess and a very dramatic and provocative goodbye- bullets everywhere and his wedding band on the dresser with a bullet in the middle. When I saw this I realized just how unwell he is right now. I called his therapist who advised I get the police to do a welfare check. When he found out I called the police he sent a string of swearing angry texts. I also found out I am pregnant (we had been trying). I told him I’m a text and he swore at me and said he’s never ever coming back. So... .what do I do? Give him a week and send a simple text reminding him I love him and accept him and am here to talk when he wants? As hard as his is, I know it’s harder for him and I love him and want him back to raise our child together.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi RollerMom75,

This sounds so difficult. May I first ask if you are safe? He shot the ring, but would he ever physically harm you?

Does he know yet that you pregnant? Do you mean you texted this to him?

What is his typical pattern? Does he cool down at some point and want to be near you again after that?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi RollerMom75,

I'm sorry you have been put into this situation. You mentioned that he was hospitalized for not just SI but also HI. Who was he threatening to harm other than himself?

Was he admitted to the hospital after he was found?

It sounds like he is in an emotional reactive state. He may just need a little while to regulate himself again. Are you safe? I am concerned with him having such intense reactions and the SI on top of it that having guns probably is not safe. Do you have a plan to remove firearms from the home in the event he returns?

[RollerMom75]

Thanks for the responses. Yes the first time in September when he took himself in he had HI (thoughts) towards me, my son, his ex wife and his son. The second time when I called crisis he had SI. Last week after he left and I asked the police to do a welfare check he was found 15 hours from our house, assessed and let go.
After his first ip stay we had to get rid of the guns for him to even be let out. They took it very seriously and I had to promise on paper to the social worker and psychiatrist as well as DCFS that I had removed the guns and he didn’t know where they were. So yes I feel safe. But last week when he started texting me that he wanted his guns was scary... .his typical pattern when getting upset is that he needs 1-3 days to cool off. I had never seen him this angry. 1 week has passed and I have not attempted to contact him which has been difficult. He knows I’m pregnant because I left him a voice message last week to which he responded “I’m never coming back” right now I’m the bad guy for getting the police involved but I didn’t have much choice since he impulsively left following the gun conversations. His mom is also mad at me for calling the police and has expressed anger towards me