Highly reactive/manic behaviour from exBPD partner... "new life"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Has anyone else gone through this kind of behaviour before? Is there any recommendation on how to minimise the damage when someone with BPD starts to have symptoms of manic behaviour?

Bit of a backstory - my ex was recently travelling through Ecuador on holiday. It usually happens around Christmas and is cyclical. Even though we're separated (2 years now), we've tried to keep on friendly terms, but unfortunately theres still a lot of emotional abuse heading my way. Things are simply getting worse with indifference.

During the holiday I asked if it was okay to send a text every week, and this worked fine but one week she didn't reply for a few days. I sent another text saying its okay if she needs space, and again nothing for 2 days... .then an angry reply saying that we should take a break from texting, and that she was worried I was overthinking. I apologised and respected her wishes.

At this point I decided that I needed to work on myself, so I posted publicly on Facebook that I was going to step back for a while (to everyone). In some ways it was also a way of setting up a boundary with my ex to stop her from prying on me or continue the emotional abuse. This, it seems has caused the following:

1. Ex started posting on Facebook for the first time in 2 years (this I initially saw as a good thing).
2. She places up all of the photos from holiday, where before she was secretive about publicly posting (again, this seemed encouraging).
3. Thanked everyone she met on the trip almost like an award ceremony, and talks about her new phase in life (new job after 2 years unemployment).
4. Starts sharing other peoples photos on her own wall no less than 3 or 4 times for each one (OCD traits?).
5. Posts her own items 3 or 4 times in the space of 5 minutes.
5. Uncharacteristic replies to other peoples posts with lots of smileys and kisses.
6. On linkedIn sets her job to "The World", then posts about being an honour to work at her new job, and again, like an award ceremony says about how she will have greater impact on the health of those around the globe and improve the lives of many.
7. Sets her Facebook intro text to "Humanitarian, Explorer, Trail Runner, Doctor, Friend, Global Citizen".
8. Dyes her hair dark brown (used to be peroxide blonde).

I know these aren't exactly bad, but when you're close to someone you start noticing differences. I can't quite tell whether this is a way of getting a reaction out of me, or if its a genuine sense that she feels grandeur? Like a triggered reaction that I might be stepping back, so she's avoiding the feelings of abandonment?

I havent been banned or removed from whatsapp etc., since she asked for a break we have respected it.

[Grimbog]

Has anyone else gone through this kind of behaviour before? Is there any recommendation on how to minimise the damage when someone with BPD starts to have symptoms of manic behaviour?

Bit of a backstory - my ex was recently travelling through Ecuador on holiday. It usually happens around Christmas and is cyclical. Even though we're separated (2 years now), we've tried to keep on friendly terms, but unfortunately theres still a lot of emotional abuse heading my way. Things are simply getting worse with indifference.

During the holiday I asked if it was okay to send a text every week, and this worked fine but one week she didn't reply for a few days. I sent another text saying its okay if she needs space, and again nothing for 2 days... .then an angry reply saying that we should take a break from texting, and that she was worried I was overthinking. I apologised and respected her wishes.

At this point I decided that I needed to work on myself, so I posted publicly on Facebook that I was going to step back for a while (to everyone). In some ways it was also a way of setting up a boundary with my ex to stop her from prying on me or continue the emotional abuse. This, it seems has caused the following:

1. Ex started posting on Facebook for the first time in 2 years (this I initially saw as a good thing).
2. She places up all of the photos from holiday, where before she was secretive about publicly posting (again, this seemed encouraging).
3. Thanked everyone she met on the trip almost like an award ceremony, and talks about her new phase in life (new job after 2 years unemployment).
4. Starts sharing other peoples photos on her own wall no less than 3 or 4 times for each one (OCD traits?).
5. Posts her own items 3 or 4 times in the space of 5 minutes.
5. Uncharacteristic replies to other peoples posts with lots of smileys and kisses.
6. On linkedIn sets her job to "The World", then posts about being an honour to work at her new job, and again, like an award ceremony says about how she will have greater impact on the health of those around the globe and improve the lives of many.
7. Sets her Facebook intro text to "Humanitarian, Explorer, Trail Runner, Doctor, Friend, Global Citizen".
8. Dyes her hair dark brown (used to be peroxide blonde).

I know these aren't exactly bad, but when you're close to someone you start noticing differences. I can't quite tell whether this is a way of getting a reaction out of me, or if its a genuine sense that she feels grandeur? Like a triggered reaction that I might be stepping back, so she's avoiding the feelings of abandonment?

I havent been banned or removed from whatsapp etc., since she asked for a break we have respected it.

[SlyQQ]

the pressured speech a hundred words a minute type , when mild

and full blown not sleeping for five days when it gets bad,

it can be dangerous  in a number of ways,

[babyducks]

Hi Grimbog,

my ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and 'another Cluster B disorder'.     What I observed is that there is a lot of overlap between the Cluster B disorders.   There isn't nice clear dividing lines between a bipolar disorder and BPD/NPD traits.

my Ex has a facebook page that looks like what you described.  Her tag line claims credentials she doesn't actually have.   She has a very active facebook page.   I try to not look at it.    She frequently changes her personality and demeanor to fit with her current situation.   She has a poorly defined sense of self.

In a manic state the first thing to protect is yourself.    You've been on the airplane when they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first?    This is the same thing.   It sounds like you are physically removed and that's a plus.    If you haven't pre-planned what to do with and for her in the event of a manic episode I suggest you don't try and create that plan now.    You want to carefully consider if anything would add fuel to the fire that's burning.

Stay low key.    Stay honest.    Don't JADE.   Don't justify, argue, defend or explain.    Stay consistent.   If you posted that you are stepping back to take some time for yourself, do that.    It's perfectly all right to say I'm fine,  I'm okay,  I am pulling back on my social media use for a while to focus on other things... .you are completely within your rights to do that.

And if her behavior is in reaction to something you did or didn't do, you don't want to reinforce an unhealthy dynamic by changing your wants/needs in response to her chaotic behavior.

make sense?

'ducks

[formflier]

Grimborg,

I suspect that "poorly defined sense of self" is at play here.  My recommendation is for you to stay consistent and do things for you, and let her "move around" (like you can control her anyway... right?) and figure out where "she wants to be".  Be prepared for that to change... .often and rapidly.

It's is likely she has been exposed to some different ideas on holiday and instead of "reflecting' on them and slowly making life changes after long period of consideration... .which is what most "nons" do... .she uses the "poof" method.

"Poof"... .I'm a doctor and saving the world... ."poof" my hair and personality are totally different... ."poof" (fill in the blank)

Note:  I used to try to "remind" my wife of how she used to be... .or previous "poofs" that she "poofed".  Yeah... .results were not good.  You define your reality, let her define hers.

  She has a poorly defined sense of self.

  You want to carefully consider if anything would add fuel to the fire that's burning.

 
And if her behavior is in reaction to something you did or didn't do, you don't want to reinforce an unhealthy dynamic by changing your wants/needs in response to her chaotic behavior.

 

I tried to pull out a few points to focus on, while you sort out some bigger picture items.

FF

[Grimbog]

the pressured speech a hundred words a minute type , when mild

and full blown not sleeping for five days when it gets bad,

it can be dangerous  in a number of ways,

Thanks SlyQQ. This is what I fear (the latter full blown side of things). I must admit this is the first time I've seen this behaviour, so I'm not sure what to make of it for now, other than to not react.

my Ex has a facebook page that looks like what you described.  Her tag line claims credentials she doesn't actually have.   She has a very active facebook page.   I try to not look at it.    She frequently changes her personality and demeanor to fit with her current situation.   She has a poorly defined sense of self.

Thank you so much for the helpful reply babyducks. This surprised me too - Its almost like an explosive amount of posting... .the frequency has slowly calmed down for the last day or so, but for previous days she was constantly updating it where before it was maybe only a few items a year. Today was linkedIn's turn.

The only thing that came to mind was that these posts are very selective. So for instance its all positive looking, and about how good she's doing for the world - but it feels like a defence mechanism to my distancing. Almost, I fear like a way of saying "look at what you're missing".

With your ex was there any eventual acknowledgement as to what was happening? Did things return once the episode was over, or is it still ongoing long-term?

In a manic state the first thing to protect is yourself.    You've been on the airplane when they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first?    This is the same thing.   It sounds like you are physically removed and that's a plus.    If you haven't pre-planned what to do with and for her in the event of a manic episode I suggest you don't try and create that plan now.    You want to carefully consider if anything would add fuel to the fire that's burning.

Yes I agree. Its just so sad - we used to be very close after the break up - there was a lot of trust with feelings. When she felt down I'd try to chat to her about it thinking things were good. Sadly over time she just got more and more indifferent and I felt devalued. We're physically removed but used to text every few days. As you rightly said... .I think its best if I don't add fuel to the fire.

Stay low key.    Stay honest.    :)on't JADE.   Don't justify, argue, defend or explain.    Stay consistent.   If you posted that you are stepping back to take some time for yourself, do that.    It's perfectly all right to say I'm fine,  I'm okay,  I am pulling back on my social media use for a while to focus on other things... .you are completely within your rights to do that.

And if her behavior is in reaction to something you did or didn't do, you don't want to reinforce an unhealthy dynamic by changing your wants/needs in response to her chaotic behavior.

That really helps - I'm avoiding any interaction for now. Before I'd usually wait for her to write to me, but now that this has happened I'll respect her need for space and continue looking after myself. If she does write I'll make sure to use SET and other tools here.

It's is likely she has been exposed to some different ideas on holiday and instead of "reflecting' on them and slowly making life changes after long period of consideration... .which is what most "nons" do... .she uses the "poof" method.

"Poof"... .I'm a doctor and saving the world... ."poof" my hair and personality are totally different... ."poof" (fill in the blank)

Note:  I used to try to "remind" my wife of how she used to be... .or previous "poofs" that she "poofed".  Yeah... .results were not good.  You define your reality, let her define hers.

Thanks formflier - this is what I suspect as well... .it was very strange that at the beginning of the holiday everything was fine when we texted, and then towards the middle for what ever reason it was almost as though she was angry at me asking how she was... .totally different attitude.

The fact she see's it as a "new life" is what concerns me the most as its almost like a way of simply burning bridges. For now the anger isn't publicly directed at me, but I fear that there is a fair amount of triangulation going on with her relatives. I'm sure I'm going to be seen as the worst of worst characters, even though I've always been there for her.


Thank you all kindly!

[babyducks]

Glad to be helpful Grimbog

With your ex was there any eventual acknowledgement as to what was happening? Did things return once the episode was over, or is it still ongoing long-term?

I have some strong boundaries in place with my Ex.   For us there was a lot of not subtle emotional and psychological manipulation going on that I don't want any part of.   For me it was a lot of "I will show you how I am the better more talented person"  (yuck)   followed by a lot of "I am going to be in your life no matter if you want it or not".   I don't want to be exposed to that type of stuff.

'ducks

[formflier]

The fact she see's it as a "new life" is what concerns me the most as its almost like a way of simply burning bridges. 

Remember, the big picture issue with most pwBPD is rapidly changing feelings and a hard time "remembering" previous feelings.

If you, as the non, can step back from the rapid shifts and deal with whatever "version" you are dealing with today... take that version at face value, the amount of chaos in YOUR life and your anxiety level will likely decrease dramatically.

Burnging bridges:  They will burn them one day and then attempt to walk across them the next with no apparently memory of the fire the previous day.  The "non" remembers and the pwBPD many time doesn't. 

That is a recipe for drama, conflict and hurt feelings

Hang in there and whatever you can do to focus less on the "this just in" or "poof" moments of the life of your pwBPD will help stabilize your life, and actually will help stabilize (somewhat) your pwBPD.

Wishing you a Happy New Year... .!

FF

[hope2727]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know my pwBPD cycled annually also. He exhibited manic symptoms including spending stress, sleeplessness, frantic garden salad speech and many many more symptoms. There was really nothing I could do. They have to realize their patterns themselves. We can't change other people. We can barely change ourselves. I know you care about your pwBPD and I know watching the manic behaviour hurts. You may have to distance yourself and let things go. Only they can change themselves. Meanwhile you have tot take care of yourself.

[Grimbog]

Firstly I just want to say thank you to everyone - its really helping me to come to a realisation that I need to take care of myself. I've decided to book in with a therapist to help me through some of my own co-dependency traits, so hopefully fingers crossed that will be a huge benefit. The first appointment is today.

I have to say though that the past few days have been a struggle. Mainly at night I'm finding my own anxiety is kicking in and I cannot stop thinking about what I could have done to maybe repair some of the damage, but as most here will know it only serves to fuel bad thinking. The realisation is that I miss my ex, even though I know the relationship was abusive I spent so long trying to get to a level of support and understanding.

She's still posting on Facebook pretty much every day. The most recent was a statement to "all my Friends aka Global Family", and more about her new job change where she can save many more lives than her previous role, and encouraging others to make a switch. It doesn't feel malicious or targeted toward me but my fear is that its a facade to possibly try and create a healthy image and eventually find someone new to latch on to. Already she's referring to an older couple she met on holiday as "Love to my auntie and uncle xx", this has happened before where she treated some of those in her life as family members - it doesn't help that they seem oblivious.

Its just so sad... .we were so very close and understanding of each other. Just at the point that maybe there was mutual trust and acceptance the reality with the behaviour I'm seeing now feels like I was kept just to be punished and vilified whilst she can appear "all good" to other people.

For me it was a lot of "I will show you how I am the better more talented person"  (yuck)   followed by a lot of "I am going to be in your life no matter if you want it or not".   I don't want to be exposed to that type of stuff.

Urgh, this is what I fear the most. The problem is that just when it feels like things could get better then the relationship turns in to a tit-for-tat and becomes self-perpetuating. This was why I decided to simply close my feed... .to take no action other than to reinforce my own boundary.

Hang in there and whatever you can do to focus less on the "this just in" or "poof" moments of the life of your pwBPD will help stabilize your life, and actually will help stabilize (somewhat) your pwBPD. Wishing you a Happy New Year... .!

Thanks FF and belated happy new years to you to! You're right about being stable in my own life to help each other. You know my ex was correct in her message... .I do overthink and I can see how it would make her feel uncomfortable. No matter what happens from now I know that we at least both understand when its best to step back... .I'm hoping the situation we're in now isn't detrimental, but its difficult to grasp all the same!

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I know my pwBPD cycled annually also. He exhibited manic symptoms including spending stress, sleeplessness, frantic garden salad speech and many many more symptoms. There was really nothing I could do. They have to realize their patterns themselves. We can't change other people. We can barely change ourselves. I know you care about your pwBPD and I know watching the manic behaviour hurts. You may have to distance yourself and let things go. Only they can change themselves. Meanwhile you have tot take care of yourself.

Hi hope2727, thank you so much for your reply and I totally agree. This is the thing with cycles - you try to help but its often met with anger. Its when my own thoughts tend to think about BPD and impulsivity that I start to worry about what is not being said. I try not to think about it but when someone you really care about suddenly runs off it can bring all sorts of insecurities in ourselves. I agree that the best thing is to distance myself and not influence any change.

[Enabler]

Hey Grimbog,

A small observation from your posts. pwBPD often have issues perceiving cause and effect, i.e. their behaviours and the impact they have on others. Healthy adults on the other hand can perceive the influence and impact they might have on other people... .however, there are cognitive bias's which might lead even a emotionally healthy adult to believe their actions have more of an affect on other people than they actually do. The foundation of your observation is that she did all this out of character behavior after your whatsap communication went south... .using this as your foundation it feels like you have used this to apply motivation for other things as a reaction to you and your changing relationship with her. What happens if you take her facebook posts in isolation, ignore the change in your communication and your perception of the relationship between her and you... .how do you know that she is reacting to you? 

I don't know her age or much about you but I do know what travelling is like from personal experience. I met a lot of people, I felt like I could conquer the world and I certainly felt very empowered. I had a sense that I was stepping out, free from "the system", living the dream and free from the constraints of any national/local/friendship/historical identity. I could be whoever I wanted to be, and was certainly a bit of a chameleon in an attempt to immerse myself in the travelling experience. I didn't lose my identity but more found commonality with others and molded what I had to fit with others. If I were a pwBPD, well, I'd have a field day. I very much doubt she has a lot of time to ruminate about things as there's always something she could be doing.

In conclusion, what I'm trying to say is that the behaviour you see is possibly more to do with her and her experience than anything to do with you. Unlike when she was constrained by her local identity, she has the freedom whilst travelling to release herself. She is releasing herself from you (local) because she doesn't need stability when she's travelling, she needs momentum and she's enjoying her global liberation. She feels global and she feels liberated... .because she is. There's a reason why many people who've experienced attachment trauma dream of prisons or rooms with many doors... .they feel trapped, imprisoned and helpless. I very much doubt she feels this way at the moment.

[Grimbog]

Hey Grimbog,

A small observation from your posts. pwBPD often have issues perceiving cause and effect, i.e. their behaviours and the impact they have on others. Healthy adults on the other hand can perceive the influence and impact they might have on other people... .however, there are cognitive bias's which might lead even a emotionally healthy adult to believe their actions have more of an affect on other people than they actually do. The foundation of your observation is that she did all this out of character behavior after your whatsap communication went south... .using this as your foundation it feels like you have used this to apply motivation for other things as a reaction to you and your changing relationship with her. What happens if you take her facebook posts in isolation, ignore the change in your communication and your perception of the relationship between her and you... .how do you know that she is reacting to you?

Hi Enabler,

Thats a really good point and I can see what you mean regarding how things could be interpreted in different ways. When you mentioned about how pwBPD can have issues perceiving cause and effect its this that I feel can still be applied to the situation here - I don't consider our Whatsapp communication and request for space as a foundation for whats going on (this was something we both agreed upon out of respect), but its more my subsequent attempts to create a boundary on Facebook and social media in general - especially in the context of perceived abandonment.

I tend to think that with any relationship you get a sense of any changes in someone you're close to, and in the case with Facebook my ex once explained how she deplored it. There's a further storyline to this in the sense that whilst we were dating she wrote a letter to me under an alias explaining about her affliction with mental illness, abuse etc. 1st and 2nd life, and how she was searching for a 3rd life, a "new life" without anxiety, anorexia etc. In the context of the sentences she's posting on Facebook it all fits together, especially with the points you raised about holiday. Again, as you rightly say I can only surmise my own opinions on all of this though, which is why I feel its important for me to step back, even knowing that it may count against me.

I don't know her age or much about you but I do know what travelling is like from personal experience. I met a lot of people, I felt like I could conquer the world and I certainly felt very empowered. I had a sense that I was stepping out, free from "the system", living the dream and free from the constraints of any national/local/friendship/historical identity. I could be whoever I wanted to be, and was certainly a bit of a chameleon in an attempt to immerse myself in the travelling experience. I didn't lose my identity but more found commonality with others and molded what I had to fit with others. If I were a pwBPD, well, I'd have a field day. I very much doubt she has a lot of time to ruminate about things as there's always something she could be doing.

Agreed, funnily enough this was one of the strongest points in our relationship - we were very similar in the sense that we both used to travel abroad often to experience new cultures and especially enjoy mountain climbing where we get to meet lots of people.

In conclusion, what I'm trying to say is that the behaviour you see is possibly more to do with her and her experience than anything to do with you. Unlike when she was constrained by her local identity, she has the freedom whilst travelling to release herself. She is releasing herself from you (local) because she doesn't need stability when she's travelling, she needs momentum and she's enjoying her global liberation. She feels global and she feels liberated... .because she is. There's a reason why many people who've experienced attachment trauma dream of prisons or rooms with many doors... .they feel trapped, imprisoned and helpless. I very much doubt she feels this way at the moment.

I do understand what you mean, but in another sense I would argue that the holiday alone isn't the catalyst for what is going on with the sudden behaviour change. Perhaps in a grandiose manner this could be an extension but what I'm finding (especially when coupled with the letter she wrote on her history) is that the new job is seen as an opportunity to break away from how she is currently feeling and to give face to others that she is in a heathy and happier state. As friends and exes we shared a lot of honesty with each other - She's very career driven, but her job as a Doctor became increasingly difficult, which exacerbated her mental health, ended our relationship, and ultimately led to unemployment and therapy for a number of years until she has finally found a placement within pharmaceuticals company just before Christmas this year. Who wouldn't want to jump on to the new job with a bang? But from my own side I know that I need to deal with my co-dependency issues, and so it feels right for me to respect what she is going through and to not add fuel to the fire.

[Enabler]

Do you sense a bit of "this time I'll get it right and not make those same mistakes I kept making before" with her? There's nothing wrong with being supportive and being the coach, that's called being a friend. You can learn healthy ways to express this which fit with you. I struggle with that every day.

[Grimbog]

Do you sense a bit of "this time I'll get it right and not make those same mistakes I kept making before" with her? There's nothing wrong with being supportive and being the coach, that's called being a friend. You can learn healthy ways to express this which fit with you. I struggle with that every day.

Hey Enabler,

In some ways I think we both are but in different directions. From her perspective I totally think that she is trying to get things right and avoid past mistakes. I'm trying to encourage her to go with it, but its hard when the person you care about treats you like crap even though you're there for them.

From my perspective I have to say that I still have feelings, which is bad as we agreed to be friends. The hardest thing is that I'm typically someone where once a relationship ends I move on, but in this case I'm finding myself still hoping we can repair things. You can see why this dynamic is unhealthy.

[Enabler]

Healthy/unhealthy, this is something that's very personal to you. What measure you decide to use to determine how much of your emotional energy you are devoting to her. Do you live in fear? Are you feeling obligated to be there for her? Do you feel guilty when you're not there for her? If you weren't, what would happen? If you are choosing to keep a foot in the door so to speak only you can determine whether or not you are getting a broken foot or whether or not the door might eventually open and you can resume a relationship you are perfectly aware of the potential dynamics.

Wanting to have a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD or has traits of BPD is not unhealthy in itself, believing you can make her better or believing that it might be different next time is unhealthy though. Taking a relationship as it is and her as it is, is a choice.

One small question you might want to ask yourself is, are you forgoing other opportunities because you are clinging to the hope that she will come back to you and things will be different? Are you being honest with yourself?

[BasementDweller]

That was extremely good insight, Enabler. I think your asessment of what she is feeling while travelling is likely spot-on. I think many of us feel the same to a large degree, but it will be so much more amplified in a pwBPD.