My ex took it upon herself to locate my biological mother... I don't know...

[JNChell]

I hope it’s ok to post this here. It’s not about my FOO, rather my Bio mom. I had been speaking with my ex about the possibility of finding her eventually, but that I wasn’t ready yet. Well, my ex took it upon herself to locate her. I didn’t really know what to think, so I just acted grateful. Looking back, she really crossed a boundary there, but that’s for another thread. Eventually my Bio mom and I started communicating. Things seemed to start off at a comfortable pace. We talked about music and interests, then it kind of felt like she was coming on a bit strong.

She started telling me that she loved me. She would say “it’s mom” in voicemails and sign cards and letters “love mom”. Well, after time the conversations took a more serious turn and I ended up telling her about my childhood. I tried to be careful about the way I did this because I didn’t want her to feel bad in any way. I blame my parents, period. Her response felt very defensive and that in a way she was making it about her. She basically said that she wasn’t responsible for what happened to me. I’ve never felt she was. We didn’t speak for a while after that. I’ll fast forward to the current situation.

After the last breakup, we were texting about it. In the conversation I asked her if she was familiar with BPD. She said that her mother was diagnosed. I knew from earlier conversations that she is pretty much NC with her mother but I didn’t pry. After this conversation she basically stopped communicating with me. She told me that she goes into a “funk” at times and basically shuts out. I became very suspicious at this point. I left it alone for a while.

A few days ago I sent her a text that just asked how she was feeling. She said she was still in her funk but did ask about my Son. I told her how his mom is using him as a weapon. I tried to explain that she has no idea how my ex is behind the scenes. Her response was “maybe you should inform an uninterested party”. I didn’t really know how to take that. Two days ago I informed her that I wasn’t interested in moving forward with her and that I would now be ending contact. I wasn’t mean or anything. I thanked her for the gifts she had sent my Son and so on. Her response was that it was my choice. I told her that actually, it was her choice. I shouldn’t have said that, but I did. I thought about a lot of things before I made my decision.

I thought about how she had had me, about her bad mouthing my Bio dad, about her bad mouthing her son’s (my half brother) father, about how her current husband is a nurse (empath) and that she never praised him to me. She also has a daughter with her current husband. I had also been in contact with my half brother. In one conversation we were discussing relationships. He said something that really stuck out to me as well. He basically said that he can leave women at the drop of a hat without a care.

Am I over thinking all of this, or did I make a potentially safe decision for myself and my Son to not pursue a relationship with my Bio family? Another thing that really stuck out to me is that when things got really rough between my ex and I, she offered an outpouring of support to her through FB. She sent her a song titled “Prince of Darkness” and commented on how it helped her through dark times with her son’s ex. I’m wondering if my ex didn’t get to her from behind the scenes. I don’t know. I just hope I made the right choice. Oh, this is off topic, but my ex did the same thing with my Bio dad. I told her I wasn’t ready. One morning I get a text saying “don’t be mad, but I found your dad”. She was already talking to my half sister before I even knew who she was. Anyway, any thoughts or advice? Did I make a sound decision?

[Turkish]

I'm adopted,  so I'm feeling what I would do in such a situation. 

Even in a family taken from the general population, over 25% suffering from some type of mental illness at any one time,  there is bound to be probable conflict.  So imagine 10 family members,  and 2-3 are likely suffering from "something." Given something like BPD, and the likelihood of other family members being affected by it may be higher due to intergenerational transmission. So my short answer would be that it is the right thing to do to protect you and your son from the drama.

You described a lot of players whose relationships are entwined with you being a focal point.  Not all triangulation is bad,  but being sucked into multiple drama triangles sounds frustrating and painful.  Have you seen this?

Our Dysfunctional Roles with Others



Read our feature article here:


Understanding the dynamic of what's going on may help you to step back from and not take on more than you feel comfortable with.  You and your son are your primary family,  in my mind,  as are myself and my two kids. 

I imagine that connecting with your bio mom might have been validating,  but her issues seem burdensome.  Do you see it that way, or would you describe it differently?

T

[JNChell]

Hi Turkish! Thanks for your input. I don’t think I can really describe the experience as validating. Like I said, I didn’t really feel ready to go there yet. I guess I felt kind of obligated to. Kind of like it was presented to me so I had to oblige. Honestly, I have to admit that it felt overwhelming and that contributed to me being unsure if I made a sound decision or if it was simply impulsive. I believe that hyper vigilance may have played a role. I was only to brush through the article, I have the little guy with me, but I’ll read it entirely later. The one snippet that really resonated is how solutions were not the focus. This alone makes me realize just how crazy making triangulation really is. There was so much of it! But, I have to try to accept the hard truth that I was a willing participant. I allowed myself to be in that situation. Realizing this makes me feel weak. It makes me realize that I have a lot of work to do. As far as the situation feeling burdensome, yes, I suppose it is. It really just adds to the burden that already existed with my ex. It just plain hurts. I don’t understand, disordered, or traits or what, how people are capable of trying to drive another out of their mind and willingly cause them to question their reality and sanity. I realize I sound like I’m being a bit of a victim here. I’ll be honest and admit that I struggle with trying not to feel like one. Maybe I’m just having a bad day.

[Turkish]

I don’t understand, disordered, or traits or what, how people are capable of trying to drive another out of their mind and willingly cause them to question their reality and sanity

They may not be sane, and their reality is theirs,  given a dysfunctional world-view. Learning and applying dysfunctional coping skills is how they "survived" all of these years.  They don't know what they don't know.