50 steps back

[lostandconfused6]

ugh so this weekend was all dysregulation basically he went back 2 years to the only thing I have done that could be considered bad and started in on me about it (I went through his phone and found stuff that he wad hiding involving another girl) and he said had I not done that our relationship would be in a totally different place

 If I want him to be different I need to be different then he will change. so I entertained it and asked what he meant he said when I text him I need to start out by saying "i'm not mad and I don't think you're doing anything wrong" then proceed with the questions I have if they could even be considered as interrogation he said something as simple as WYD. this frustrates me because I already walk on eggshells and try my best to word things in a non attacking way (and I feel I'm good at it)

it's like he can't just take responsibility and say I know I need to work on these things and I will, it has to have stipulations or be a "tit for tat" scenario. He wasn't like this the last couple of months even Tuesday night he had told me "you got me babe you don't need to work so hard I need to work and put in effort to match you" then of course we had ice storms and his classes were cancelled all week so this caught him off guard and put him in a mood. He's been very good about talking to me about things and telling me what's wrong recently so I had no idea this upset him I thought he would welcome the extra time off... .then all of a sudden Thursday morning it started I was pained black and told everything from my friends to my job to the way I speak and me going to the doctor isn't ok and he's leaving me... .he called me a couple hours later and didn't apologize, apparently he won't do that if he feels I expect an apology now, and just explained why he was like that we moved on from it then yesterday morning it started again when we woke up... .

do I take this is as just a bad week? we have been good last night and today but do I bring it up again and ask which way he really sees things?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

I'm sorry.  Even when things go well, there is the possibility something will trigger a regression - it may not last long, and often by the time I've typed on here we're halfway through moving past it, but still, it sucks.

Yes, take it as a bad week.  I've found (for us at least) if we can get back to a more "normal" behavior, rehashing the upset from a day or so ago won't do any good and will just keep the dysregulation going.

No, asking him how he really sees things won't help - because right now, if he's okay, he sees things as okay.  His emotions dictate reality, so if he's in a bad place, he will "really" see things as bad.  If his emotions are in a good place, asking him about bad things will just remind him of those feelings and he will revert again back to that bad mindset. 

BPD is a weird combination of living totally in the "now" as far as "well I am being nice today so what's your problem about me being mean last week - it's over" as far as YOUR emotions, fearing a lot about the future (so scared of failure they self-sabotage or don't even try, abandonment - they try to beat you to the projected punch and abandon you first) and reliving negative things from the past. 

My main challenges are usually making it past dysregulation, trying to communicate that his feelings of depression, etc. are not forever but WILL pass, and that it's okay to try for the future.  I just try to move forward.  It does little good for us to "discuss" his past behaviors when his need for shame avoidance and tendency to wallow in depression when he admits he's been mean does neither of us any good. 

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for your response! Things have been good for the most part today he had class called me on the drive texted me when he got out and let me know what he's doing because he has 3.5 hours between classes then all of a sudden he randomly said i'll call you when I get out of class this was 2 hours before he had class again I said "sorry I didn't know you were in class" then sent "I love you" and he said I love you... .now of course naturally I wanted to say you don't have class for another 2 hours what are you doing? but I bit my tongue and haven't said anything  in fear that it would start dysregulation again (part of me also feels it may be a test to see if I would start "an interrogation"

1 thing I struggle with the most is leaving things feeling like they aren't resolved and that they are being pushed to the back burner or swept under the rug, that's how his family handles problems, and I know bringing things up that happened during a dysregulation isn't smart and I do have to control that... .

Do you have any advice on the whole tit for tat scenario and saying I need to do xxx then he will do xxx?

[pearlsw]

Hi lostandconfused6,

Do I understand correctly that your partner brought up a relationship issue from 2 years ago and was very upset over it? Ugh. I know how annoying that can be. You think something is resolved, but no, he ruminates and then you "get" to relive an old problem that should be in the past by now. Sorry you are experiencing that!

Have you ever worked with the idea of not JADE-ing? (Don't justify, argue, defend or explain) This, in combination with validating the feeling, but not getting caught up in things might be one approach.

wishing you well, pearl.

[lostandconfused6]

Hi lostandconfused6,

Do I understand correctly that your partner brought up a relationship issue from 2 years ago and was very upset over it? Ugh. I know how annoying that can be. You think something is resolved, but no, he ruminates and then you "get" to relive an old problem that should be in the past by now. Sorry you are experiencing that!

Have you ever worked with the idea of not JADE-ing? (Don't justify, argue, defend or explain) This, in combination with validating the feeling, but not getting caught up in things might be one approach.

wishing you well, pearl.

Yes Pearl, he brought up something from 2 years ago his exact words were "even though you found something I shouldn't have been doing you violated my privacy and went through my phone had you not done that our relationship would be in a completely different place." I didn't respond and just thought to myself ummm how about if you weren't being a lying butt head our relationship would be in a completely different place. He is holding onto the only thing he can even remotely say I've done wrong.

I try so hard not to jade usually i'm good at it but I slip sometimes... .especially when the same stuff is brought up that could have been resolved previously but he wants "talk about it later"

We actually had a talk today he's been every stressed but thankfully hasn't taken it out on me he's actually been nicer than ever (sent me flowers Tuesday texting and calling and keeping in touch about where he is and when he gets home) and he said "you're right everyone in my life except you tells me what I want to hear to pacify me or they down play it and tell me its not that bad or they sweep it under the rug so they don't have to deal with me" that tugged at my heart a little bit because it's his parents he is referring to and I fully believe they have taught him to be the way he is to an extent because those same things he mentioned are what he does when him and I argue

I think The solution is to set healthy boundaries with his parents and separate from them, I know he knows this but it's hard for him to do and I also feel he makes a lot of ridiculous excuses... .i'm just getting tired of constantly fixing what they screw up with him... .I love him so much and I would do anything for him but I feel he needs to start doing some things to help himself and our relationship...   He is to the point of panic attacks and crying (which he rarely does unless he's super stressed) and not sleeping... .but then when that goes away it's like he remembers what happened and how he felt and will say he knows its going to happen again but then goes right back to just being angry and dealing with the day to day crap his parents throw at him and nothing to change it... .I wrote down a lot of what he told me today because he asked me to start doing that... .not to throw in his face but to help him remember not sure if that will help anything but I guess it can't hurt?