Daughter lives in different country, is distressed and has threatened suicide

[HeatheryFeather]

I’m trying my best to keep this post as condensed and succinct as possible. Daughter is trying to obtain citizenship in another country, although her staying in said country is contingent on whether she passes her classes as she is staying via student visa. She has failed and retaken multiple classes. She struggles with keeping her grades up, and this puts a lot of pressure on her as she is at risk of being sent back to a third world country. This would place her even farther away from her immediate family.

That is distressing, but what’s more troublesome is her lack of tolerance for distress. She is far away from us, and I don’t know how to console her. Even if we were there to console her, she would likely shift her anger onto us. She has threatened suicide multiple times, as well as fleeing to the country she is working against being deported to.

She impulsively blacklists friends at the slightest disagreement, and she has disowned and severely mistreated the few local family members she has, claiming they are all asss and that she is better off without them. It is impossible to reason with her, and we’ve tried kindly addressing this from every angle we can think up. Because of her bad reputation in this town, she desperately wants to move, but she cannot move until she graduates. Unless she gets her attitude under control, her reputation will follow her no matter where she goes.

She has seen therapists, but none that offer dialectical behavior therapy. The nearest therapists that specialize in dialectical behavior therapy are in a city far from her university where education is outside of what we can afford. She has been prescribed bupropion, which she has misused and combined with an excessive amount of alcohol. If you are familiar with the side-effects of this drug, you know that puts the patient at risk of seizures. I am not sure if she has discontinued using this drug.

Daughter is very upset. The only solution to her stress is for her to graduate, but that fact is only more overwhelming for her.

Is there any advice or moral support that I can offer her to help her through this difficult time?

-Concerned family

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

 

Welcome HeatheryFeather

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you and your daughter too and glad you've joined us for support. I'm going to jump right in here and ask if you've considered on line DBT skills course, there are some though I have no experience of. I'm thinking of offering to my 29DD at some point to help keep her skills up, she completed 14 months DBT last September. Do you think your daughter would engage, as you'll know the modules include distress tolerance. If she can engage she'll learn how to tolerate distress and MUCH more, it may also help her achieve her goals.

WDx

[HeatheryFeather]

Welcome HeatheryFeather

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you and your daughter too and glad you've joined us for support. I'm going to jump right in here and ask if you've considered on line DBT skills course, there are some though I have no experience of. I'm thinking of offering to my 29DD at some point to help keep her skills up, she completed 14 months DBT last September. Do you think your daughter would engage, as you'll know the modules include distress tolerance. If she can engage she'll learn how to tolerate distress and MUCH more, it may also help her achieve her goals.

WDx

Thank you so much for your reply! It hadn’t even crossed my mind that there might be therapy offered online. Is there a specific website/course you might suggest? I also wish you and your DD29 the very best.

[wendydarling]

Hi HF

I was once new school when I was a youngster   I'm now old school and need a real push    eg I was horrified a parents son was invited to a mental health assessment (UK) by phone interview. Things change, we have technology for good and bad. Children today are used to learning and connecting on line. And most importantly local resources in many areas are NIL, so it makes sense to embrace what IS available.

My DD is a huge fan of Debbie Corso BPD sufferer that's why I focus there so far https://emotionallysensitive.com/ I'm sure there are other providers, Q  I pose to anyone reading this thread to share with us. My understanding is this is DBT skills building course (in my experience it was what my DD was desperate for and gained immediate relief and got stuck in), it's not one to one talking DBT/BPD therapy. I have seen others engage in therapy long distance via skype, with planned face to face say once a month/6 weeks what ever works to keep the personal relationship healthy.

The important point is having confidence working with the very best BPD/DBT trained specialists on line. My experience here locally (London UK) is the DBT team were world class, they closed down the class to host American DBT specialists for learning). I'm not sure how this works on line as DBT specialists work as a team (group skills leaders and the therapist), supporting each other - perhaps they do that online too. We need world class resources on line me thinks! I'm sure they are working towards that  .

Do you think your DD is ready to engage and on line?

WDx

[HeatheryFeather]

Hi HF

I was once new school when I was a youngster   I'm now old school and need a real push    eg I was horrified a parents son was invited to a mental health assessment (UK) by phone interview. Things change, we have technology for good and bad. Children today are used to learning and connecting on line. And most importantly local resources in many areas are NIL, so it makes sense to embrace what IS available.

My DD is a huge fan of Debbie Corso BPD sufferer that's why I focus there so far https://emotionallysensitive.com/ I'm sure there are other providers, Q  I pose to anyone reading this thread to share with us. My understanding is this is DBT skills building course (in my experience it was what my DD was desperate for and gained immediate relief and got stuck in), it's not one to one talking DBT/BPD therapy. I have seen others engage in therapy long distance via skype, with planned face to face say once a month/6 weeks what ever works to keep the personal relationship healthy.

The important point is having confidence working with the very best BPD/DBT trained specialists on line. My experience here locally (London UK) is the DBT team were world class, they closed down the class to host American DBT specialists for learning). I'm not sure how this works on line as DBT specialists work as a team (group skills leaders and the therapist), supporting each other - perhaps they do that online too. We need world class resources on line me thinks! I'm sure they are working towards that  .

Do you think your DD is ready to engage and on line?

WDx

Indeed! Everything is online nowadays. I’m eagerly anticipating the day we will have doctor consultations online.

Thanks, again, for pointing me in that direction. Ready and willing are two different things! Due to our conflicting schedules, I have yet to test the waters. I am not certain how online therapy, or therapy in general, would be received at my suggestion. Video counselling is also something worth looking into.

You have given wonderful advice, wendydarling. Your DD29 is fortunate to have you. I shall update.

[wendydarling]

Hi HF

You are most welcome - the parents here supported me and pointed me to the amazing resources here and how to use them, I'm still learning with all here. Thank you parents, we pay back

Couple of Q's for you.

Has your DD been diagnosed BPD (often comorbid)? If so has she accepted the diagnosis?

If she's not been diagnosed does she accept she is struggling, something is wrong and she's prompting you with very short announcements, she searching for answers, support?

WDx

[HeatheryFeather]

Hi HF

You are most welcome - the parents here supported me and pointed me to the amazing resources here and how to use them, I'm still learning with all here. Thank you parents, we pay back

Couple of Q's for you.

Has your DD been diagnosed BPD (often comorbid)? If so has she accepted the diagnosis?

If she's not been diagnosed does she accept she is struggling, something is wrong and she's prompting you with very short announcements, she searching for answers, support?

WDx

Years ago she saw a psychologist who diagnosed her with PTSD. BPD has been said to sometimes be misdiagnosed as PTSD, and it could still be comorbid or with BPD traits. I would be horrified if she ever found out I thought this, but I am sure she wasn’t entirely honest to the psychologist. That’s another reason I’m dubious about her engaging in DBT, because she has blatantly lied countless times to my face. She once even claimed she had been diagnosed with BPD, but retracted that statement. Now, because of that, she is sensitive about anyone mentioning that disorder to her. I’m a bit nervous about mentioning the therapy to her, as DBT is almost exclusive to treating BPD.

Luckily, DBT has also been recognized as treatment for patients with PTSD and depression. I’m going to focus the discussion on the skills the therapy will help to strengthen, her wellbeing, and her current diagnosis rather than BPD.

[wendydarling]

Hi HF

Apologies for my delay in replying, been dealing with my family stuff (non BPD related)   

I’m dubious about her engaging in DBT, because she has blatantly lied countless times to my face. She once even claimed she had been diagnosed with BPD, but retracted that statement. Now, because of that, she is sensitive about anyone mentioning that disorder to her. I’m a bit nervous about mentioning the therapy to her, as DBT is almost exclusive to treating BPD.

Luckily, DBT has also been recognized as treatment for patients with PTSD and depression. I’m going to focus the discussion on the skills the therapy will help to strengthen, her wellbeing, and her current diagnosis rather than BPD.

You've a great handle on understanding your DD and her journey so far HF, it's a sensitive journey isn't it, what may work for her, where she is right now.

Are you conversant with the skills and lessons to your right   DBT based, is there one you relate to on first reading? They may feel counterintuitive and take us time to learn, just like for those going through DBT, we are re-learning and that is good  

Take your good time HF, invest in yourself here learning with us, hanging back till we feel confident may help.

WDx