MIL just used FOG on my W - how do I avoid the triangle and keep harmony

[Teno]

Our family was relatively calm and manageable with no major contact with uBPDMIL. MIL phoned W and said she is coming for a visit tomorrow. This is the second time my W actually discussed her moms messages openly with me. I get anxious when her MIL contact us. I stayed calm and just listened. At least we starting to talk about it. We had a very similar event end of last year.

The MIL used the full FOG on my Wife. If we don't come, your Dad may not remember you. We will stay and only want to see the kids. The MIL only wants to see the grandchildren and not us as a family unit. This is also the first time my W discussed that so openly. That broke my W's hart. Her mom cried, and played on her emotions again. I don't visit the MIL hometown anymore and somehow that also got thrown in the mix to justify her behavior and why she should visit. My W still mentioned a few hurtful things her mom said. My W said no to the Visit without any of my involvement. In the past the W's sister came as the MIL's rescuer, and then the W will change her mind. Hopefully not again.

Probably a good thing, I don't think I would allow MIL again to just zone into the youngest and ignore the rest of us. That would come at a price and push my W away, except she's starting to realize.

I was able to point out the FOG to her, very gently. I could even throw in how the MIL uses our kids in a pull and push way. I mostly just listened and think this as bit of a milestone.

I'm more familiar now, So every time my MIL FOG my W I end up being FOGGED by my W or maybe I'm doing some of this myself.

It is terrible to see my W like this and I do my best to comfort and help her. But now I'm getting met with the BPD traits from my W. I know she needs my support, but it is not my fault the printer does not work, etc. I'm on eggshells, don't want to rock the boat. Does that mean I'm playing the rescuer here. I've stepped to the side from the (MIL and W thing)  so I don't think I'm the victim.

Wife and I may not discuss this again, I'm pretty sure if I bring this up again it will be met with resistance.

I want to support my Wife without being the doormat and avoid the triangle. It is actually nothing to do with me but it rips the harmony out of our house. How to keep that Harmony and minimize the effect in the house?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Teno,

How is your T going? I hope it is helpful to you.

Sounds like the stress is still pretty high at your house, and you are stuck in a difficult spot with your MIL and your W. It can be very hard to maneuver in this place, feeling as if you are in the middle.

Here are two links that might shed some help on something you can do to help you and your wife and your MIL, but don't forget to take care of yourself through all this. Sometimes the stress can get so great that we feel as if we are burning the candle on both ends.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Empathetic Listening and Active Listening

What do you think of these ideas?

Wools

[Teno]

Hi Teno,
Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating
Empathetic Listening and Active Listening
What do you think of these ideas?

I've done some great reading here and it helps me a lot.

Thanks for that, I'm busy reading and building my understanding. I've been working validating myself. I've always been a caretaker. I've empathy, but i can see how easy it is to give advice and push your ideas onto someone.

I've been following Patricia Evens and I like what she says about validation, almost every time you use 'You' in a sentence you define someone and take a bit away from them. "You really love me" that is telling what a person should think and feel.

I've a fair understanding of validating someone and I'm more aware how I speak to the kids and to mom.

I was as supportive today as i could be, I should not have "A-Hued" this evening. W did have another fight with her mom today. They said hurtful things to each other.

W is in a bad mood. Tonight I got ordered not nicely and i Said: 'A-Hu'. I just listened to the upfront invalidation and did not react. It will make things worse with a big argument. Plus the kids were looking at me. I try to avoid fighting.

In the last year I started pushing back by saying more often that is not OK! without letting it spiral out of control.

For empathy I do try and do get her feelings but I end up getting stepped on or taking a lot of hurt on. Today I just listened how she spoke about her mom and what her mom said. I know how she feels, I got a understanding.

We did have a good conversation and I listened for most of the time, She said that her mom has only been like this lately. I did say it has probably been going for longer and she said yes since her Sisters wedding. I said probably longer and mentioned what her mother did to her old boyfriends family way before then. I suppose it moved from empathy to me wanting to see what her mom is doing.

It is the continuity of the stress that gets me. It is something I must work on. I'm just busy with the kids, food and trying to get some work done.