Five years after divorce and still on shaky legs

[Eugenetics]

I don't know where to start, which means I certainly don't know how it will end.

I was married to a high functioning BPD (with traces of other... .ailments) for a month before she went low functioning. I clung to my religious beliefs with a legalistic iron fist, that I must see us through the "hell on earth" she was putting us and our adopted, and later our birth child through.

In the first eight months, my father warned me to cut my losses and divorce while my wife was pregnant. Later, I found he was right and I wrong in my silly "conviction", but paid the full price for not listening to my much wiser elder. I had a christian attorney at eleven months who led me to continue considering scriptural servitude on not divorcing.

Well, hell and high water came and I finally broke in 2006. My divorce had been started in 1997, and now our two daughters were old enough to see the futility of my efforts, and along with a family counselor, suggested I move out, get aggressive with the divorce and end it. I was relieved! I had to fight tooth and nail for another six years, losing three properties, investments and personal property in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. I thought it meant it was going to be over over and I would be free of IT!

I was proved naive again. My daughters moved in with me. We had a blast. Many potholes and personal trainwrecks associated with my ex fighting for quarters on the ground in the divorce seemed to continue until I had become disabled, lost my job, ran through my savings while one daughter was showing signs of BPD (the other not thank god), and I sent the girls off, went to live in my old Motorhome and became homeless, parking my RV on a church lot, by their grace and mercy.

My divorce finally ended when I caught her red handed on legal documents of fraud, contempt and illegal misrepresentation. It was over. Then again, it seemed like I was beaten into the ground by then. An attempt at romance went horribly wrong when my BPD fleas affected a new love.

I fought like the Marine I was to regain my life through adversity. I visited the library daily to write. I wrote endlessly until I was published, then again, and over again. I started two manuscripts and did piece meal work on the side. Financially, I got back on my feet, moved to Las Vegas where writers have many groups and outlets, and eventually bought a newer tile roof home with a pool, surrounded by a golf course in a double gated, guarded and patrolled community. After two years, one of three daughters is marrying, and she's made me the traditional part of ":)ad giving her away", while I build a race car for her fiance, build a hot rod for my son and I (better late than never) and am remodeling the house and loving it. Life is GREAT!

Or is it?

I'm a tad lonely. I have a good heart (emotionally that is!), decent looking six foot Scandinavian who is financially stable. I know how to love. I was raised on chivalry by my Scottish father. I have tons of decent traits, yet I'm scared spitless of a relationship. I'm scarred horribly by my last relationship, and I fear attracting another mental Picasso. I've been flirted with by younger women which I don't feel comfortable with at all, and older women in which I wonder what the hell they're hiding behind that mask. (What mask? We don' need no stinkin masks... .)

I've gone through many holidays alone. I don't like it, but I can handle it and pass it off. I could finish my life as the quintessential bachelor... .buying a corvette... .visiting South America and Europe... .hell, even carousing the casino's... .although I don't gamble, but the nagging of the missing variable will remain in the recesses of my mind. Loneliness of the heart.

I feel like there is a final chasm to be crossed or abridged after being married to this disorder in order to secure a measure of happiness and fulfillment, and maybe an added measure of sanity. How do I get past myself?

I don't know where it will end. I do not like this Sam I am.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Eugenetics and welcome 

It's great that you decided to post about this.  Firstly, I'd like to congratulate you on recovering financially as you have.  That takes real strength and grit to turn that type of situation around and come back from it as you have.  What similar principles do you think you could apply to your emotional recovery from the marriage and divorce process?  From what I read, you decided not to be beaten into submission by finding yourself fallen on hard times, and put your faith into your own ability to make things better.  You were undeterred, trusted yourself to turn things around and your commitment to sticking with your chosen course paid off. 

I'm wondering what your feelings are towards your ex wife now, and whether you have had the support of a therapist to work through residual impact of your experiences?  A BPD r/s can have a lot of emotional impact on us and this can have potentially lasting effects.  It's important that we prioritise our own well being in the detaching and healing process. 

What do you find you feel when you meet someone new and how do things usually play out?  It is of course possible that you simply haven't met the right person yet.  Do you follow your personal passions and do the things that you enjoy doing?

I'll look forward to hearing more from you.

Love and light x

[Eugenetics]

Hello X,

I haven't sought any additional counseling over the matter and yet sometimes I think I should,  other times I think, "Why bother at my age now?"

I'm playing avoidance in daily busy-ness and my outward appearance. I've grown my beard, wear comfortable clothes and certainly not stylish (more in tune with "Walmartians", and do not strike up a conversation but speak in laconic. I don't cover my tattoo's with long sleeves like road signs.

I guess in answer to your question, "What similar principles do you think you could apply to your emotional recovery from the marriage and divorce process?", I would say, it isn't a question of survivalism since I've survived and thrived in general matters. Love is a choice, and I've chosen not to risk my heart and possibly someone I care about as I already had in my first experiment in love.

I feel much like if anything, I would be better off leaving it up to God, but I don't attend church. Like Custer said, "You gotta love these odds". We know what happened next!

[Lucky Jim]

I'm wondering what your feelings are towards your ex wife now, and whether you have had the support of a therapist to work through residual impact of your experiences?  A BPD r/s can have a lot of emotional impact on us and this can have potentially lasting effects.  It's important that we prioritise our own well being in the detaching and healing process. 

Hey Eugenetics, Wise words from Harley Quinn, above.  Agree, seeing a T might help to alleviate your emotional discomfort and, No, I don't think counseling is a waste of time at your age.  In fact, it might help you to avoid a Little Bighorn situation and let's not forget that Custer divided his forces beforehand.

I've chosen not to risk my heart

Well, any relationship is going to involve some risk.  It runs with the territory.  Yet you can minimize the risk by being aware of your needs and potential red flags.  It's about allowing yourself to reveal yourself, I suggest.

LuckyJim

[RisingFromAshes]

Hi Eugenetics,

I am not surprised that once burnt badly you are scared of getting close and letting someone into your life.

There are two choices here: either you protect your heart and close yourself off from a new relationship which would take the loneliness away or you take a risk and open yourself up to a possibility of real love.

Scary, I know.

You may not be ready yet but one day you will be.

Therapy may help you to grieve and let go of the pain you suffered. It's never too late to do something for yourself, no matter what age you are.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm in agreement with LJ and RisingFromAshes.  Whilst there is life in us we can always learn and grow as individuals.  It's never too late to be all you can be and give yourself the best chance of a happy future, and one way to achieve this is by working through the traumatic experiences you've withstood and releasing yourself completely from them. 

An attempt at romance went horribly wrong when my BPD fleas affected a new love.

Could you tell us a little more about this?  What were the things that impacted your attempt at a new r/s?

Love and light x

[SlyQQ]

I get it. i'm not a fan of therapists either.