How to Respond to your Son

[Peace95]

So for the last 2 years my son has pushed me out of his life claiming that I am horrible, and he wants nothing to do with me - BPD and NPD traits galore that reach far into his youth now that I understand all of this. He has recently emailed me (first one nasty) demanding I get him his "stuff" referring to some childhood toys that I have kept for my own nostalgia with the intent of maybe giving them to my children (he and his sister) when they are at a time and place in life to appreciate it. I have not responded to his email, nor the next one where he said that he'd be civil but wants his stuff. Then, after I did not respond to that one, he wrote again and threatened to continue to email me until I bring him his stuff.
I love my son, was so very close to him for 19 years (he's now 22 1/2) and am really struggling with not responding but at the same time, know that no matter what I say it will be met with wrath and vile. I cannot bear to receive it. At a loss... .have created a million different responses in my head... .any experience here. The good news is he's contacted me and I fear that this may be his way of reaching out... .love some help!
thanks,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hello Peace95,

I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time with your son.  I understand not wanting to give your son the memorabilia that you have saved from his childhood.  These things hold meaning for you and are symbolic of better times and special memories and your reluctance to give them over to him for fear that he does not presently appreciate what they represent in understandable.

When my BPD dd now 21 was in the midst of her BPD crisis (the worst of which went on for one non-stop year of craziness from ages 19-20), she kept coming back for "her things".  In her case, most of her things were in her bedroom, and while I tried to encourage her (more like begged, reasoned and cried) to leave the momentos of her childhood behind until she actually had a place to take them to, she would not listen to reason and just shoved them in garbage bags and boxes along with dirty clothes, garbage, open containers of makeup... .you name it.  How it hurt to see those memories treated like that... .  Even family photographs and special things family members had given her.  It hurts my heart now just to remember... .I don't know where most of these things ended up... .except the few things that my husband found mixed in with heaps and heaps of garbage in her car which he cleaned out after she totalled it... . 

So I think I do understand a little bit where you are coming from, Peace95.  The thing is, they actually were her things, and as much as I hated it, I could not stop her from taking them... .at least not without causing more damage to our relationship, that was already in tatters at that time. 

I am wondering if in your son's case, since you have put these things that were his aside, if you could either ask him if you could choose a couple things for your own memories and let him take the rest... .or if you feel that won't go over well, keep a couple small things hoping he won't miss them and hand over the rest.  This is just a suggestion; only you know what you can live with and the circumstances you are dealing with.

My other advice would be to respond to him using SET.  I had not found this site and had none of the skills that are taught here when I was dealing with my daughter.  I responded emotionally and it made things worse... .I think it made her more determined to take everything.

I am sorry you are going through this, Peace95.  I understand the heartache and turmoil you are experiencing.    MomMae

[bluek9]

Peace95, hi, in reading your post my mind went immediately back to those days with my BPDD who is now 35. She has always lived with me in 2008 she went heavily into drugs. In 2009 after getting clean I told her she could no longer live with me, which meant putting her in half way houses. She started moving every other month from house to house. During this time she wanted "ALL HER THINGS". There was no reasoning with her about it. Because I believe in tough love and natural consequenses I let her have what ever she wanted. I also informed her that at any later date I would bear no responsibility for the loss of those treasured items. Naturally it didn't take long for her items to be lost to her. And yes, all these years later she still talks about them. And yes she still says "you should have kept them safe for me". I gently remind her of those natural consequences and of her own actions. There is no blame just accountability. My daughter has always acted without fore thought and impulsively. Now with her own son who is 6 I often remind her to save certain things he has done. She ask's why- it gives me the perfect opportunity to remind her that those kinds of things use to be important to her in her own life. Am I sad about the presious things that have been lost by her actions? No, they are after all only things, and I still have her in my life! I respect your boundary not to answer your son, that takes strenthg, stand firm.

[Peace95]

Thank you so much for your response. I think the reach out is more about a connection to me than the "stuff." He wrote scathing emails to me about a year and a half ago when he was with a fiance at the time (since departed) and when I responded requesting we meet and work on our relationship he slammed the door shut with "forget about the stuff" and "please do not contact me." Recently he started texting his sister and was making plans to meet with her but brought mention of this "stuff" that "mom" has - she indicated that it was her memorabilia that she has saved on her on volition and may decided to give to both of them at some point in the future. Since I have not responded he has stopped talking to her again which does not surprise her.

I would like to respond in a way that does not address the stuff but addresses his communication to me... .but I fear it's only going to exacerbate the situation.



Hello Peace95,

I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time with your son.  I understand not wanting to give your son the memorabilia that you have saved from his childhood.  These things hold meaning for you and are symbolic of better times and special memories and your reluctance to give them over to him for fear that he does not presently appreciate what they represent in understandable.

When my BPD dd now 21 was in the midst of her BPD crisis (the worst of which went on for one non-stop year of craziness from ages 19-20), she kept coming back for "her things".  In her case, most of her things were in her bedroom, and while I tried to encourage her (more like begged, reasoned and cried) to leave the momentos of her childhood behind until she actually had a place to take them to, she would not listen to reason and just shoved them in garbage bags and boxes along with dirty clothes, garbage, open containers of makeup... .you name it.  How it hurt to see those memories treated like that... . Even family photographs and special things family members had given her.  It hurts my heart now just to remember... .I don't know where most of these things ended up... .except the few things that my husband found mixed in with heaps and heaps of garbage in her car which he cleaned out after she totalled it... . 

So I think I do understand a little bit where you are coming from, Peace95.  The thing is, they actually were her things, and as much as I hated it, I could not stop her from taking them... .at least not without causing more damage to our relationship, that was already in tatters at that time.  

I am wondering if in your son's case, since you have put these things that were his aside, if you could either ask him if you could choose a couple things for your own memories and let him take the rest... .or if you feel that won't go over well, keep a couple small things hoping he won't miss them and hand over the rest.  This is just a suggestion; only you know what you can live with and the circumstances you are dealing with.

My other advice would be to respond to him using SET.  I had not found this site and had none of the skills that are taught here when I was dealing with my daughter.  I responded emotionally and it made things worse... .I think it made her more determined to take everything.

I am sorry you are going through this, Peace95.  I understand the heartache and turmoil you are experiencing.    MomMae


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[Peace95]

So appreciate your response - I can only hope that in the future I can have loving conversations with my son once again... .


Peace95, hi, in reading your post my mind went immediately back to those days with my BPDD who is now 35. She has always lived with me in 2008 she went heavily into drugs. In 2009 after getting clean I told her she could no longer live with me, which meant putting her in half way houses. She started moving every other month from house to house. During this time she wanted "ALL HER THINGS". There was no reasoning with her about it. Because I believe in tough love and natural consequenses I let her have what ever she wanted. I also informed her that at any later date I would bear no responsibility for the loss of those treasured items. Naturally it didn't take long for her items to be lost to her. And yes, all these years later she still talks about them. And yes she still says "you should have kept them safe for me". I gently remind her of those natural consequences and of her own actions. There is no blame just accountability. My daughter has always acted without fore thought and impulsively. Now with her own son who is 6 I often remind her to save certain things he has done. She ask's why- it gives me the perfect opportunity to remind her that those kinds of things use to be important to her in her own life. Am I sad about the presious things that have been lost by her actions? No, they are after all only things, and I still have her in my life! I respect your boundary not to answer your son, that takes strenthg, stand firm.
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