Mother with probable BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have always struggled with the relationship with my mother. I thought, if I tried hard enough, that I could make her love me. I always felt responsible for her- her unhappiness, sadness and anger had to be because of me. So I gave up so much of myself as a child and most of my adulthood, focusing on what I could do to ease her obvious pain. I realize that I lost myself and, at 60 years old, am angry that I haven’t had my needs taken care of. I’m tired of still having anxiety over the health and lack of happiness of my now 87 year old mother, even though I have reduced my involvement with her. I’m tired of feeling guilty that I’m not spending time with her; and when I do, I’m exhausted and sad after an hour visit and feel the same feelings as I did when I was 8 years old. I want to live my life with joy but find myself worrying that I should be attending to her more. She is physically being cared for and is in good hands- I was strong enough to step back from that responsibility- but the feelings of guilt along with resentment doesn’t seem to ever go away. Just recently I realized I dreaded the phone ringing and her name coming up- I know she’s going to ask me to visit, tell me for the millionth time that she’d prefer to die and how lonely she is. Then I hang up dreading a future visit or feeling horrible that I sidestepped the issue. I’m hoping that I can eventually stop this cycle and find some true freedom from this issue. I have other people I love, a job I adore and great faith as a Christian. But I have this dark cloud over me that just dampens my days and I’m really trying to find a way out.

[PoundcakeMom]

I have always struggled with the relationship with my mother. I thought, if I tried hard enough, that I could make her love me. I always felt responsible for her- her unhappiness, sadness and anger had to be because of me. So I gave up so much of myself as a child and most of my adulthood, focusing on what I could do to ease her obvious pain. I realize that I lost myself and, at 60 years old, am angry that I haven’t had my needs taken care of. I’m tired of still having anxiety over the health and lack of happiness of my now 87 year old mother, even though I have reduced my involvement with her. I’m tired of feeling guilty that I’m not spending time with her; and when I do, I’m exhausted and sad after an hour visit and feel the same feelings as I did when I was 8 years old. I want to live my life with joy but find myself worrying that I should be attending to her more. She is physically being cared for and is in good hands- I was strong enough to step back from that responsibility- but the feelings of guilt along with resentment doesn’t seem to ever go away. Just recently I realized I dreaded the phone ringing and her name coming up- I know she’s going to ask me to visit, tell me for the millionth time that she’d prefer to die and how lonely she is. Then I hang up dreading a future visit or feeling horrible that I sidestepped the issue. I’m hoping that I can eventually stop this cycle and find some true freedom from this issue. I have other people I love, a job I adore and great faith as a Christian. But I have this dark cloud over me that just dampens my days and I’m really trying to find a way out.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome PoundcakeMom!   

I'm so glad you've joined our family! Thank you for sharing your first post with us.  We are an online family who understands so much of the struggles you have gone through. My mom was uBPD too.

I realize that I lost myself and, at 60 years old, am angry that I haven’t had my needs taken care of.

So many of us are right there with you. It's beyond frustrating to suddenly realize that we've lost ourselves to take care of their needs. In fact, many of us don't even know what our own needs are! I spent so long taking care of my parent's needs that I didn't realize I had needs of my own.   It's still a process of discovery for me to figure out what those needs are. Are you able to identify some of your needs?

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
 
This is an article you might find helpful, to show you that what you are feeling is normal. Have you read any books that have helped you learn about BPD?

 
Wools

[PoundcakeMom]

 Thank you for your response! When I read the word “blackmail”, it felt like a revelation. I’d never thought of my situation in that way but now I can see it’s the perfect description. I feel encouraged that there is hope, that I can maybe feel and think in a different way. I will follow through on the suggested readings.