Should I stay or should I go now

[Snowyl]

 

Hello all!

I am so grateful first off to find a  community of support!

So I've been married for 17 years in March to my husband who I suspect has BPD/NPD.  I really feel that he loves me, but I may have been fooled.  We've been together since we were 18 years old.  We didn't date very long and were married and pregnant within 6 months.  We now have 3 boys together who are in their teens. 

Throughout the years I have always known there was something going on with him, but never could put my finger on it.  He has been extremely emotionally abusive to me.  There have been other instances of abuse as well, but not many.  I have devoted my whole life to him as we run a business together.  I always tried to have my own career, but he always NEEDED me although he would never validate that or what I have actually done for him.  In his mind he's sacrificed so much and everything I've done doesn't come close to matching him.  I feel like he's in constant competition and I just give up.  I've gotten to the point where I have become numb to life.  He's left me twice for other women and I actually have a divorce still pending from 2012.  I've done everything I can do to make things work.  He did change though after I took him back 6 years ago.  He became loving, and caring, and devoted just like I had always wanted!  The thing is ... I slowly lost the independence I had gained when we were apart and I didn't want to loose that.  I have fought tooth and nail to get that back and it's become a big problem. 

I started seeing a therapist early summer of 2017.  Through this I have taken steps to regain myself and stop the terrible anxiety and depression.  These changes and boundaries I have implemented have taken their toll on my marriage.  Why can't he just let me be me?  Why does it make him so insecure?  He has become incredibly jealous, insecure, controlling, manipulative, and verbally assaults me constantly.  Then he will act sorry and loving again.  I am being pulled in so many directions it's too hard to keep my footing. 

So I kicked him out about a week ago.  I couldn't continue to heal and live in that situation.  The problem is I love him still and he is raging and loosing control really bad.  I am afraid he is going to hurt himself.  He is constantly stressing me out with an explosion of text messages followed by how much he just wants his family back and will get help.  He has been seeing a therapist intermittently.  Hes gone a handful of times.  I keep asking him if he's going to continue to go and he turns the conversation into a blame and pity me game.

is this a loss cause? How do I get clarity and what options do I have?

Thank you in advance for your support. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Snowyl]

So sorry... I read the disclaimer after I posted and can't figure out how to delete this.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Snowyl and welcome to the board! I think you will find a tremendous amount of support and resources here to help you.

 

This must be a very difficult time for you as you realize that the person you've been with for 17 years and have built a family and a life with is mentally ill. You begin to question the love you've received from them up till now. And now that you've finally started implemented boundaries, that person has spun even more out of control than before. I am starting to face the same with my partner and now wife of 10 years and mother of our two children and it can really be too much some times.

Good for you for seeing a therapist and working to take back your life. What was it about your independent time that you enjoyed the most? In order to have that with your husband, what kind of boundaries / expectations would you need to establish?

I think before you can make a call on the chances for your marriage, you need to get more clarity on your situation and "find your footing". With so much chaos, it's difficult to achieve a "situational awareness" of what's going on and has been going on. I think the fact that your husband is not home at the moment might be a good opportunity to more deeply examine your role in the relationship and what action you can take on your side instead of waiting for your husband's next move.  

In the meantime, you might also want to set a boundary about whether or not you'll respond to his texts and consider blocking him if it amounts to harassment and is causing you too much grief.

For a reference from my own situation, right now I'm trying to radically accept the reality that my wife has this illness and is not capable of being in a true marriage relationship with me right now. I'm also accepting that there's no promise she will eventually get help and that I may have to allow for a future with someone else. "Radical Acceptance" doesn't mean I like or approve of the problems, but rather acknowledge that they are real and not going to go away no matter how hard I wish or pray. Only once we are fully honest with ourselves the truth of our situation can we begin to change it.

Here's the workshop on it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I also strongly recommend coming to the board for support and engaging with other members. It really has been the greatest help to me since my wife's BPD came to light.  

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

[Snowyl]

Hi Snowyl and welcome to the board! I think you will find a tremendous amount of support and resources here to help you.

 

This must be a very difficult time for you as you realize that the person you've been with for 17 years and have built a family and a life with is mentally ill. You begin to question the love you've received from them up till now. And now that you've finally started implemented boundaries, that person has spun even more out of control than before. I am starting to face the same with my partner and now wife of 10 years and mother of our two children and it can really be too much some times.

Good for you for seeing a therapist and working to take back your life. What was it about your independent time that you enjoyed the most? In order to have that with your husband, what kind of boundaries / expectations would you need to establish?

Thank you so much for your response ... I am sorry to hear that your and/or ANYONE else has to go through this same thing in one hand and it's so much relief to know I'm not alone on the other.  You are exactly right.  I feel like I have to let him do as he wishes to or with me or everything is not okay.  I feel I have taken so much responsibility for so long for the whole situation and I really expected him to step up.
  Finding out that he may not be capable is devastating.  I think that is why I can not be around him right now... I think I need time to digest the situation I am in. 

What I liked most about my independence is NOT walking on egg shells.  I like to make decisions and not worry what ramifications I am going to face.  I have started making those decisions regardless and I am paying for it, but it's what needs to happen for me.  I am obviously co-dependent and I need to learn to not be afraid of doing things for myself and on my own because I am suffering.  I am working through one serious case of mptsd.  In order to have this with him I would need him to except that me being myself is not a threat to him and it doesn't mean I'm leaving him or going to "find someone more like me" as he says.  I am a musician and I have gotten into that again as an outlet and he isn't.  He blames it for our trouble.  In order for him to be involved I need him to recognize my talents and support them and not smolder inside about them.

I think before you can make a call on the chances for your marriage, you need to get more clarity on your situation and "find your footing". With so much chaos, it's difficult to achieve a "situational awareness" of what's going on and has been going on. I think the fact that your husband is not home at the moment might be a good opportunity to more deeply examine your role in the relationship and what action you can take on your side instead of waiting for your husband's next move.  

In the meantime, you might also want to set a boundary about whether or not you'll respond to his texts and consider blocking him if it amounts to harassment and is causing you too much grief.

For a reference from my own situation, right now I'm trying to radically accept the reality that my wife has this illness and is not capable of being in a true marriage relationship with me right now. I'm also accepting that there's no promise she will eventually get help and that I may have to allow for a future with someone else. "Radical Acceptance" doesn't mean I like or approve of the problems, but rather acknowledge that they are real and not going to go away no matter how hard I wish or pray. Only once we are fully honest with ourselves the truth of our situation can we begin to change it.

Here's the workshop on it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

I also strongly recommend coming to the board for support and engaging with other members. It really has been the greatest help to me since my wife's BPD came to light.  

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

Thank you for the link!  That was all very good advice.  How do I let him know I am trying to understand when he himself does not understand?  He has decided that I am cheating and that is why all this is happening.  I don't know how to convince him that I am doing my best to accept him and I don't know if I want to I am so hurt.  I will keep reading around the sight after I get off work in the morning.  There seems to be a plethora of information on here that will help me understand.   Thank you so much again for the help and best wishes to you on your journey as well.

[RolandOfEld]

In terms of letting him know what you are trying to do, I suggest you instead work on accepting the fact that he most likely will not understand anything you are doing right now. He will in fact probably view it as an attack against him or as a sign of infidelity, like you mentioned.

But the important thing is that YOU know what you are doing and WHY. If we let our actions be influenced by someone who does not have a healthy grasp of the situation, then it will only lead to more unhealthy behavior on our part.

Sometimes I fantasize about a future day when my wife has recovered and I can safely explain that I everything I did during this time was for the good of her and our family. I'm not sure this is a healthy thought since it is not based in reality, but it at least reminds me of the WHY.