demands "we" support pwBPD's parents

[PeteWitsend]

Hey all, just looking to vent, more or less.

Wife apparently had a call with my father in law today.

a little background on my FIL: the guy had a rough childhood, admittedly but never helped himself out of it, by consistenly making terrible life choices since then.  He basically has not worked a day since the 2000's, instead sponging off my MIL, and then since he ditched her a few years back, moving from friend to friend. 

Anyways, he hit my wife up with a request for $500 because he's (allegedly) starving and has no place to go.  but he's also mentioned on an earlier call he's living with some woman (I never get a straight story about what he is or isn't doing). 

So to hear my wife tell the story, she chastised him for being a bum, accused him of lying to us repeatedly, (over the last 2 years we've "lent" him $200-$300 a few times without him ever attempting to pay us back) and of knowingly getting himself into this mess by literally doing NOTHING for the last 3 years - no job, no plans , etc. - then mentions she said we'd send him $500. 

before I know it, she's trying to spin this into "how would handle it if my dad was starving" and how I have no sympathy for her situation.

oh, and apparently it's unfair we pay my student loans back, but can't send money to her dad whenever he asks.  this made me come close to exploding 

I want to go beat my head against the wall for about an hour, and ponder how I got myself into this mess.

[Notwendy]

You can see how family dysfunction involves the whole family.

One thing I read that was interesting is that pwBPD have co-dependent traits as well- something they share with their partners. So while your wife may have also been enabled, she may also tend towards enabling others.

It has to feel terrible to see a parent- or any family member, in your FIL's situation- even though this isn't an isolated incident but a pattern for him. I agree with your position- to not continue to enable the FIL, and that your own expenses- student loans are a priority.

Yet, FIL managed to push your wife's emotional buttons and she must have felt badly- and also may have felt obligated to help him. FOG may be a pattern in her FOO too. So - not being able to handle her own feelings or able to say no to him led to that conversation.

There really isn't a way to reason with feelings. I don't know what kind of money arrangement you have in your marriage. One suggestion I have read is that each person have some money to do what they want with. This depends on the budget of course but if household expenses are met and there is some left- then each person can have a coffee or clothing budget for their personal expenses. Include your student loans in the household expenses- they are necessary for you to have the kind of employment you need.

Then, if she chooses to give her money to her father- whatever that may be- $10, or $50 or whatever she has- then that is her decision. You keep your boundary on what is needed for expenses- and your own share of the spending money if there is extra. This may not go well, but it may be one way to deal with this.

[PeteWitsend]

You can see how family dysfunction involves the whole family.

One thing I read that was interesting is that pwBPD have co-dependent traits as well- something they share with their partners. So while your wife may have also been enabled, she may also tend towards enabling others.

It has to feel terrible to see a parent- or any family member, in your FIL's situation- even though this isn't an isolated incident but a pattern for him. I agree with your position- to not continue to enable the FIL, and that your own expenses- student loans are a priority.

Yet, FIL managed to push your wife's emotional buttons and she must have felt badly- and also may have felt obligated to help him. FOG may be a pattern in her FOO too. So - not being able to handle her own feelings or able to say no to him led to that conversation.

There really isn't a way to reason with feelings. I don't know what kind of money arrangement you have in your marriage. One suggestion I have read is that each person have some money to do what they want with. This depends on the budget of course but if household expenses are met and there is some left- then each person can have a coffee or clothing budget for their personal expenses. Include your student loans in the household expenses- they are necessary for you to have the kind of employment you need.

Then, if she chooses to give her money to her father- whatever that may be- $10, or $50 or whatever she has- then that is her decision. You keep your boundary on what is needed for expenses- and your own share of the spending money if there is extra. This may not go well, but it may be one way to deal with this.

your comment about my FIL putting my wife through the FOG is spot on, and from learning about her family history, I suspect my FIL was responsible for a lot of her issues.  he himself was from a rough family, and abandoned by his father at some point.

I am not opposed to helping out people who need it, and we've helped him out before, both by sending him cash, clothes, and other things he needed.  In one case he told my wife he was starving and destitute so we sent him $200 (he lives in a foreign country) and lo and behold next time my wife talked to him, he had bought himself a new tablet and got wireless service so he could play video poker.

I expect at some point when his health fails we'll have to take care of him, but he's still not retirement age, basically refuses to work, and is openly dishonest about his situation as I described above (using our money to buy a tablet is just one example).  My wife seems to understand this on one hand, but on the other gets angry with me for not showing enough sympathy for her feelings or being willing to "help."  it's like she deals with her embarassment over her parents by trying to make me responsible for the situation (ie her feelings) in some way.

the bottom line is, we've sent him money before; he wasn't honest about his situation then , and he's not being honest now.

he's been sitting around doing nothing for several years now.  it's not just a stroke of bad luck... .I would have sympathy for that.

[PeteWitsend]

as far as splitting family $$$ goes, we've already sort of agreed to do that.  we both have an allowance that we can spend on whatever, and bigger purchases are in theory discussed mutually.

wife has blown past her monthly limit the last few months.  she's usually good about taking lunch to work not eating out, but she has a bad amazon habit, and typically spends another few $100 on "things for the house."

when she complained about my student loans, I said well, if it's going to be like that, maybe we split the house & family expenses along income lines (roughly 67/33, me/her) and use the rest however we want.  she didn't like that and told me that I decided to "have" a family, so I should pay all the expenses... .

I saw at that point we were not on the same page and this could go off the rails.  she spent the rest of the night on the phone with her friend (who also seems to demonstrate a mix of BPD traits but tends toward NPD ones), only pausing to yell at me that I "seem withdrawn."

I had hoped this AM would be better, but the first comment I got was an angry accusation that "I'm not speaking to her again today."