I'm an adult child of a mother with BPD traits

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi All,

I live in a small town, so since local resources are limited, I'm glad to have come across an online community of people going through some of the same family struggles I've experienced. I'm 30 years old and am an only child, and my mom and I have always had a challenging relationship. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster of a merry go round for years with my mother, and I finally sought the help of a therapist last spring. She helped me to realize not all of this is my fault and that my mom shows many signs of having BPD. Things have grown more tense with us since my mom divorced my dad about seven years ago, and I'm struggling with how to have a healthy relationship with her. I feel like for many years, my dad was the emotional punching bag for my mom, and I feel like that has shifted to me since they divorced.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of going to therapy, and I feel much more emotionally healthy overall, but the struggle to have a healthy relationship with my mom continues. I'm wondering if there are other only children out there that can share their experiences with their mothers that have BPD, and I'm especially wondering if you all have insight into setting healthy boundaries? In talking to my therapist and my very supportive husband, as well as reading books on the subject, I "know" what I should do to take care of myself emotionally, but I find myself freezing up constantly when having confrontations with my mom.

Thanks for reading my post, and I look forward to learning a lot on this site!

[GreenRoad]

Hi All,

I live in a small town, so since local resources are limited, I'm glad to have come across an online community of people going through some of the same family struggles I've experienced. I'm 30 years old and am an only child, and my mom and I have always had a challenging relationship. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster of a merry go round for years with my mother, and I finally sought the help of a therapist last spring. She helped me to realize not all of this is my fault and that my mom shows many signs of having BPD. Things have grown more tense with us since my mom divorced my dad about seven years ago, and I'm struggling with how to have a healthy relationship with her. I feel like for many years, my dad was the emotional punching bag for my mom, and I feel like that has shifted to me since they divorced.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of going to therapy, and I feel much more emotionally healthy overall, but the struggle to have a healthy relationship with my mom continues. I'm wondering if there are other only children out there that can share their experiences with their mothers that have BPD, and I'm especially wondering if you all have insight into setting healthy boundaries? In talking to my therapist and my very supportive husband, as well as reading books on the subject, I "know" what I should do to take care of myself emotionally, but I find myself freezing up constantly when having confrontations with my mom.

Thanks for reading my post, and I look forward to learning a lot on this site!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi StephDawn! 

I'm so glad you've found us and shared your first post!  We are an online family, supportive of one another and the challenges we are in and have gone through due to having someone with BPD in our family. Please read other posts and take time to respond and share your thoughts too. We need your help and support to keep strong and growing! In a healthy family we can share tears and hugs and encouragement without fear. 


I'm not an only child, but I know there are others out there who are and hopefully they will jump in too. First let me commend you on being in T and growing! I am also in T and it has been life changing. Have you read the book:

Surviving a Borderline Parent

It has been very helpful to me, and you can work with your T through the questions. There are many books out there about BPD, but this one is my personal favorite.


 
Wools

[Mutt]

Hi StephDawn,

 

I’d like to join woolspinner2000 and welcome you to the site. I’m glsd that you have found us. It helps to talk with others in similar situations as you. My ex wife disp’sys BPD traitsso I understand how I was a lightning rod and that turned to my step daughter her eldest.

This is a safe platform where you won’t be judged or invalidated for your thoughts you can share your experiences and talk about things that you couldn’t talk about with others. You’re not alone.

How often do you see your mom?

[GreenRoad]

Thank you for your kind words.

My mom lives about seven hours away in the Denver area and I see her 3-4 times a year. We had talked about her visiting later this month, but she’s currently not speaking to me because I didn’t invite her on a family vacation my husband and I are planning with my in laws this summer.

My husband’s family lives in Chicago, about 18 hours away from us, and we see them once a year. Any time my mom feels like I’m giving them more attention than her that either triggers a rage or silent treatment. She flew into a rage last time they visited because I didn’t answer my phone as she called while I was driving to pick them up at the airport. I literally got six calls from her in the span of 5 minutes, and she left nasty messages saying that she knew I was with them but she needed help to and wanted  me to answer as she needed advice on a car repair estimate she’d gotten over the phone from a shop. When I called her back and brought up the fact she’d been pretty disrespectful she just said, “I’m just so depressed,” and then changed the subject.

I could write a whole book on the roller coaster relationship I have with her. She is 60 and moved in with my 85 year old grandma about 3 years ago, after divorcing my dad then proceeding to wreck her finances. My husband and I were moving out of Denver at the time in search of a quieter mountain life, and my mom had actually planned on trying to move to the same town and wanted to live with us for awhile. We had just gotten married a few months before that and told her no. I believe she’s still resentful about that.

I tend to clam up in one on one confrontation with her and am not as assertive as I should be. When she found out my husband and I are renting a house with his family in a mountain town a couple hours outside of Denver this summer, she asked if her and grandma could come up for a few days. I was caught off guard and didn’t want to fight so I said we’ll have to see what the plan is and talk about it. I think my downfall there was not saying no to start with. A couple weeks later she saw July mentioned in a FB comment between my husband and his dad, and the first sentence out of her mouth during my next phone call to her was, “What’s going on in July?” So I told her we booked a rental and maybe her and grandma could come up for a day since it’s actually a short length of a trip to begin with. I also told her we were planning to be in Denver in September so we could plan some things during that time, and touched on her visit in February. She was extremely short with me and hung up. I haven’t talked to her since, but I have been reading through the book “How to stop walking on eggshells”, so I’m hoping to use some of the skills I’m learning during my next communication with her.

I love my mom and want her to be happy, but I’m tired of feeling guilty for living my own adult life. I should be able to plan a vacation without her interfering.   

Hi StephDawn,

 

I’d like to join woolspinner2000 and welcome you to the site. I’m glsd that you have found us. It helps to talk with others in similar situations as you. My ex wife disp’sys BPD traitsso I understand how I was a lightning rod and that turned to my step daughter her eldest.

This is a safe platform where you won’t be judged or invalidated for your thoughts you can share your experiences and talk about things that you couldn’t talk about with others. You’re not alone.

How often do you see your mom?

[RDMaggie]

Hi there! Welcome!

I am new to the community, too. What brought me here was my friend, but I can relate to your situation as my mother also has significant issues.

Like you, I am an only child. My parents were married until my father died in 99 (I was just shy of 14). Her parents both died in the 70s/80s and she's been estranged from her brother (as in NC at all) since 93? 94? I endured a lot of mental/emotional abuse from my mother, the older I became and the better I did at life seemed to escalate her behavior.

She has a behavior pattern of needing people to "need her" and if they don't she lacks the social skills to maintain a relationship. When I was in nursing school I was still living at home, she would get upset about something very minor (I fell asleep watching a DVD and the home screen annoyed her) and she would explode and threaten me, saying that if I left in my car (that she had supposedly kept in her name for insurance reasons) she would call the police and report it stolen, have me arrested and "make sure you won't be a nurse" (she thought this would get me kicked out of school/ruin my chances). Her behavior was so extreme, and manipulation/threats were always involved.

Fast forward to today and the dynamic is completely different. The last explosion/threat she made was almost exactly 7 years ago. It's a bit of a story but I laid down a hardline that this would absolutely not be tolerated anymore.

We don't have a traditional mother/daughter relationship. I do not share intimate details of my life, or even if I'm considering this choice vs that choice. She lives across the street from me and does see our daughter every other weekend or so. I often "take a shower" or "nap" when she comes to pick her up.

I love her tremendously and I feel horrible for her, she's lonely and miserable, but I can't expose myself to her too much because of how adversely it effects my mental/emotional health. My husband is wonderful and very supportive, I am so thankful for him.

Anyway, in my situation I was able to effectively put an end to what I would consider "abusive" behavior. I have accepted our relationship for what it is. I do occasionally get emotional thinking about how miserable she is, but it isn't my job to make her life different, nor could I if I tried.

[Mutt]

Hi StephDawn,

I love my mom and want her to be happy, but I’m tired of feeling guilty for living my own adult life. I should be able to plan a vacation without her interfering.

RDMaggie’s example with her mom threatening her by calling the cops, reporting the car stolen and making sure that she won’t be a nurse is Fear in FOG. Your mom and the issue with the inlaws and summer vacation is Obligation and Guilt in FOG.

Lastly, you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You can compassion for your mom with boundaries. Here’s a good article on emotional blackmail it helps to read about the behaviours to depersonalize them it’s not about you it’s about something that she’s going through internally.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

[BvsMom]

Hi StephDawn - I am so glad you posted on this site - I am in exactly the same boat as you - and hope we can walk through this together!

My Mom is 79 and lives in California - very long story short, I haven't spoken to her in two months because of a final incident in late November last year where we invited her (and paid for her to fly here) for our 20th wedding anniversary celebration.  She picked a fight with one of my adult children this time (as opposed to just going after me) and that was the final straw for me.  She confronted me angrily and I firmly let her know I wasn't chasing after her any more to make sure she was happy.

I am not the type of person who will cut someone off (although I did go No Contact with my parents about 10 years ago, before my father passed away, just to take time to set some boundaries), but I need this time to re-evaluate the boundaries I had set with her (at that time I did some work figuring out this relationship, and determined that my mother definitely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder - but after this incident, I believe she is also Borderline).  The boundaries I had set are not working anymore - I like to compare my mother to a velociraptor who tries to find the weak link in the fence and then exploits it.

Right now I am trying to figure out a game plan for the future - what I will and will not do, while majorly fighting the guilt of not talking to a person who is 79 years old, and praying that nothing happens to her while I am figuring this out.

I will give a couple of quick notes that have helped me - definitely read the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson.  For me, it is my mother spot on.  Also, it is reinforced in the book over and over that your mother's safety, happiness, financial success are not your responsibility.  Even though she may make it seem that way - and run you around in circles thinking "how can I HELP her?"  It is never ending, unfortunately, and, for me, detrimental to me and my family.

I also live in Denver (originally from California ) - I would love to continue this thread here, or take it offline, too, so we can bounce ideas off each other and support each other?  I am thinking, however, that others might benefit from our successes and fears, too.

Thanks again for posting!

[GreenRoad]

I'd like to thank everyone for their kind words and support. It is so nice to feel validated by knowing I'm not alone in this experience, and I'm finding it's helping in beginning to quiet the guilt I've carried for many years and to be able to begin to truly care for my own emotional well being.

Anyway, in my situation I was able to effectively put an end to what I would consider "abusive" behavior. I have accepted our relationship for what it is. I do occasionally get emotional thinking about how miserable she is, but it isn't my job to make her life different, nor could I if I tried.

RDMaggie, I can relate so much to what you experienced. It seems the more successes I have in life, the more bitter my mom gets towards me because she feels I'm not helping her. Initially when I started therapy, I was striving to learn how to have a "normal" relationship with my mom. I am gradually beginning to accept things will never be "normal". I'm now reflecting on the possibility of maintaining a "polite" relationship with her that doesn't interfere with my mental health. At this moment, I'm not sure if it's possible.

Hi StephDawn,

RDMaggie’s example with her mom threatening her by calling the cops, reporting the car stolen and making sure that she won’t be a nurse is Fear in FOG. Your mom and the issue with the inlaws and summer vacation is Obligation and Guilt in FOG.

Lastly, you’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You can compassion for your mom with boundaries. Here’s a good article on emotional blackmail it helps to read about the behaviours to depersonalize them it’s not about you it’s about something that she’s going through internally.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Mutt, thank you for posting the article on FOG. There has been a tremendous amount of obligation and guilt involved in this relationship, and I'm beginning to realize it's a sickness within my mom's side of the family as a whole. In particular, I'm finding the steps regarding changing your responses to be especially helpful, and I feel like this is something I can really reflect on and begin to implement.

Hi StephDawn - I am so glad you posted on this site - I am in exactly the same boat as you - and hope we can walk through this together!

My Mom is 79 and lives in California - very long story short, I haven't spoken to her in two months because of a final incident in late November last year where we invited her (and paid for her to fly here) for our 20th wedding anniversary celebration.  She picked a fight with one of my adult children this time (as opposed to just going after me) and that was the final straw for me.  She confronted me angrily and I firmly let her know I wasn't chasing after her any more to make sure she was happy.

I am not the type of person who will cut someone off (although I did go No Contact with my parents about 10 years ago, before my father passed away, just to take time to set some boundaries), but I need this time to re-evaluate the boundaries I had set with her (at that time I did some work figuring out this relationship, and determined that my mother definitely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder - but after this incident, I believe she is also Borderline).  The boundaries I had set are not working anymore - I like to compare my mother to a velociraptor who tries to find the weak link in the fence and then exploits it.

Right now I am trying to figure out a game plan for the future - what I will and will not do, while majorly fighting the guilt of not talking to a person who is 79 years old, and praying that nothing happens to her while I am figuring this out.

I will give a couple of quick notes that have helped me - definitely read the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson.  For me, it is my mother spot on.  Also, it is reinforced in the book over and over that your mother's safety, happiness, financial success are not your responsibility.  Even though she may make it seem that way - and run you around in circles thinking "how can I HELP her?"  It is never ending, unfortunately, and, for me, detrimental to me and my family.

I also live in Denver (originally from California ) - I would love to continue this thread here, or take it offline, too, so we can bounce ideas off each other and support each other?  I am thinking, however, that others might benefit from our successes and fears, too.

Thanks again for posting!

BvsMom, I can relate to so much of what you have been through, and your words have helped me to reflect a lot. Your comparison of your mom to a velociraptor is spot on for my mom too, actually. I have almost completed Walking on Eggshells, and Understanding Your Borderline Mother is next. I'm glad there are skills I can learn to help me to better communicate my needs in the relationship, and I'm glad I've begun to see I cannot change my mom's feelings or behaviors. The only things I can change are my reactions to her.

I'm also at a crossroads of trying to figure out where to go from here, so I find myself reflecting a lot and weighing my options. My mom and I last spoke over two weeks ago, and I'm not sure when we'll speak again as she's so upset about the summer vacation thing. Her and my grandma were supposed to come for a visit in about two weeks, but I'm not sure if that is happening at the moment. She could very well show up and act like nothing happened, or she could continue with the silent treatment, so I've been pretty anxious trying to figure out what I want and how to go forward.

One of my biggest concerns is my mothers plans, or lack thereof, after my grandma passes. My grandma is 84 years old, and my mom has been living in her basement with her two cats for almost three years. She had been living in the Grand Lake area a couple hours outside of Denver for almost 10 years, then went into self destruct mode with her finances starting in 2011. She was married to my dad for 30 years, and filed for divorce on their last anniversary in 2011. (I was and still am supportive of her decision to divorce, and I've maintained a good relationship with my dad.) After the divorce she began making terrible financial decisions. She kept the house her and my dad shared, but without a real plan on how to afford it, and also ran up 30k in credit card debt on joint cards with my dad she'd agreed to close in the divorce. In the midst of all that, she lost her job, and eventually lost the house in a short sale. She moved to Granby for a year or so and rented a place, then decided she just couldn't take the stress of the new job she found and decided she needed to move. When she found out my husband and I had decided to move to Durango, she tried jumping on that band wagon. She even went as far as to look for jobs, and was actually offered one here. She never looked for a place to live though and just expected to move in with us. We told her we weren't okay with that as we were newly married, and we were taking quite the leap by relocating and starting new jobs ourselves. She eventually moved in with my grandma, and the plan was to get back on her feet and find a place of her own, but now she claims she's unable to save any money due to bills. Grandma has a reverse mortgage on the house, so when she passes the house goes back to the bank and my mom will have nowhere to go. Grandma is healthy and could be around for another 10+ years, but she is in her mid-eighties.

Fast forward a bit, my husband and I bought a home on about an acre last year, and in May when my mom and grandma were visiting my mom brought up the idea of putting a tiny house or fifth wheel on our property to live there. She brought this up when my grandma and husband were not around, and wanted me to keep the idea from my husband. I didn't know how to respond and kind of blanked out to be honest, as I do tend to freeze up when it comes to my mom and confrontation. I didn't say outright no, but I did say I'm not sure how that would work. We haven't really broached the subject since, but I do need to find a way to tell her that I am absolutely not comfortable with that. Not only does it make no sense logically for financial and utility type reasons, but I cannot imagine living in such close proximity to her. She said she promised she'd have her own life and do her own thing, and we wouldn't even see each other every day, but I know that isn't the case. I also think it's incredibly inappropriate she'd even suggest something like that and expect to keep my husband in the dark. I had planned on talking about it with her during her next visit, but I'm struggling with how to do that especially given the latest upset about the vacation thing.

I am emotionally exhausted because I have been on this dysfunctional merry go round with her for at least 10 years. We've gone through phases where we go for six months without talking, then she acts like nothing ever happened and wants me to call her every day again. On a handful of occasions she's "apologized" for her erratic behavior, but this involves excuse after excuse, and then eventually she blows up again.  I really started distancing myself since starting therapy last May, and I've been trying to work on setting clearer boundaries with her, but the struggle goes on. I logically know that I'm not responsible for her financial or emotional well being, but the guilt that is ingrained in me makes me feel like it's impossible to say no sometimes, or if I do stand up and say no I just feel terrible about it. I absolutely dread the day when grandma is no longer around and I'm the one my mom turns to for answers in her life. I haven't seen my therapist since September, so I am going to get an appointment scheduled with her ASAP to work through some of this, but I greatly appreciate everyone's support here an just the knowledge that I'm not alone. I'd love any perspectives or feedback, and I'm happy to be able to continue this conversation

[DaughterofBPDmum]

Hello StephDawn!

Welcome! You are not alone, !

I am glad you found this community. I am new here as well. My mother has also got BPD traits and I can relate to what your relationship with her is like. My parents divorced and I'm 28.
It is great that you are going to therapy, that will help you a lot with guilt issues and setting boundaries, and also, there's plenty of info on this site for you to read. I am in the reading process. Isn't it a relief to have found out she is BPD? This kind of mums will always want us to be around and do as they say.
 What works best for me with my mum is deciding when to see her and if she starts acting in annoying ways, I pretend I am not paying much attention or try to "diminish" the drama, and find an excuse to gently leave. That's when I visit her, she doesn't visit me since I live with my dad.
I wonder what will happen when I get married, I think it wouldn't be a good idea to have her over. She is capable of saying hurtful things in one day.
I hope your healing process goes well. We always learn and grow from difficult situations, have a good rest of the week!

A huge hug.

DaughterofBPDmum

[OceanRow]

Hi,

I'm new here too (in fact this is my first post  ) and, StephDawn, can absolutely relate to your situation. My darling dad passed away fairly recently and now that my mother no longer has him as a metaphorical punching bag I am really feeling the brunt of her anger and unhappiness. I am married (she HATES my husband), have lovely children and a great job, but still feel like I can't live my own life. She really resents me making plans with friends or even my own family. She won't say that outright, but will give me the silent treatment or perhaps there will be an outburst that involves her trawling back through all my sins past. If someone asks me to catch up socially I will either say no or fob them off with my first thought being that my mother would be angry at me! I'm mad at myself that I can't be adult enough to just make plans and not feel bad about it because I know, intellectually, that I am not doing anything wrong.

I've read all the books recommended and everything I can find online (including this forum) and have had some therapy, but don't seem to be able to break free of feeling responsible for my mother's happiness and from the flow on guilt and anxiety. Despite me being in my 40s, to this day if I believe she is upset at me for something (and of course I never know when or why that will be) and I have to call her - I feel sick and shaky as I dial the phone. Pathetic!

Soo I have just made this response all about me, but really I wanted to say that I totally understand your emotional exhaustion and I look forward to hearing about any progress you, and the others who have replied to you, make. I know this post has been fairly whiny and not particularly constructive or helpful, but I am always so relieved to read about people who are in the same boat as me.

All the best to you and the others who have shared their stories too.

x

[GreenRoad]

Hi,

I'm new here too (in fact this is my first post  ) and, StephDawn, can absolutely relate to your situation. My darling dad passed away fairly recently and now that my mother no longer has him as a metaphorical punching bag I am really feeling the brunt of her anger and unhappiness. I am married (she HATES my husband), have lovely children and a great job, but still feel like I can't live my own life. She really resents me making plans with friends or even my own family. She won't say that outright, but will give me the silent treatment or perhaps there will be an outburst that involves her trawling back through all my sins past. If someone asks me to catch up socially I will either say no or fob them off with my first thought being that my mother would be angry at me! I'm mad at myself that I can't be adult enough to just make plans and not feel bad about it because I know, intellectually, that I am not doing anything wrong.

I've read all the books recommended and everything I can find online (including this forum) and have had some therapy, but don't seem to be able to break free of feeling responsible for my mother's happiness and from the flow on guilt and anxiety. Despite me being in my 40s, to this day if I believe she is upset at me for something (and of course I never know when or why that will be) and I have to call her - I feel sick and shaky as I dial the phone. Pathetic!

Soo I have just made this response all about me, but really I wanted to say that I totally understand your emotional exhaustion and I look forward to hearing about any progress you, and the others who have replied to you, make. I know this post has been fairly whiny and not particularly constructive or helpful, but I am always so relieved to read about people who are in the same boat as me.

All the best to you and the others who have shared their stories too.

x

Oh my gosh, THANK YOU for posting this, OceanRow. I have experienced the EXACT same things with my mom and am left feeling the same way, so I hope you take comfort in knowing you are not alone. I too am experiencing a mental block of sorts when it comes to the guilt no matter how much reading or therapy I do. Things have improved a bit in that regard, but my mom still knows how to get to me and make me feel like a terrible daughter.

She gets upset if she's not the first person I see every time I go to Denver and was absolutely offended I didn't plan to spend my entire 30th birthday with her in September. Heaven forbid I go out to dinner with my best friend.

I hope this board can help both of us to make some progress in being able live our own guilt free lives. I look forward to talking to you more!

[BvsMom]

Good Morning, All -

I am so glad we have each other!  And, I know, this is so hard.  I wish we could all stand together, united, in front of our BPD moms and say "enough!"  But I know that isn't possible - but feels so empowering!

I'm thinking it is one step at a time.  StephDawn, I have re-read your post a couple of times, and I am so proud of you that you were willing to discuss your Mom putting a home on your property (not, in person if she came to visit.  That is brave.  And I know you are afraid of the anger and nastiness that might come out.  If you can, work on putting a cover of peace and a boundary around you when you speak to her.  It always helps me to picture my BPD mom in her own bubble, and I can see her talking, but it doesn't affect me.  Along that line of thought, and with the reading I have done recently, have a script in your head of what you will say and what you will not say.  It is very much like talking to an interviewer in a live interview - have your talking points and do not deviate from them.  For example, "Mom, I do not think it is a good idea for you to live on our property - what other ideas do you have for a place you might want to live?"  Repeat yourself if you have to.  I am definitely not the expert here, but that advice from my reading seemed good.

My issue right now is that I do feel guilty somewhat for not having spoken to my mother for the past two months or so, since the last, and final (in my mind) incident.  And I still become concerned when I haven't seen her post on Facebook or send me (usually inappropriate) articles via email from her local newspaper.  I hang on the simple fact "well, she is still alive/not injured/incapacitated" - which is a fine thread I am hanging by.  I am still deciding what proactive steps I am going to take with her for the future.  I am now determining what I won't do, but, more importantly, what I AM willing to do.  The list is very short at this point.  

OceanRow - I totally understand what you mean by still feeling "icky" if you think your Mom is mad at you.  And feeling that you have to contact her to make it OK.  Again, I don't have all the answers, but perhaps is there another way to "contact" her that will ease your mind?  Email?  Text?  I am in the same boat, trying to find a way to ease my mind that my Mom is ok (mostly physically OK for me - she definitely has manipulated me into thinking that her well-being - financial, physical, etc. - is MY responsibility - that is something I am working on - and when I see the light at the end of the tunnel - it is so freeing - like I have WINGS and can soar - I need to keep walking towards that light).

I hope I haven't rambled too much - I am truly hoping we all can just jot down what is on our minds at the moment - share just like we have picked up the phone to chat a bit when something with our BPD moms has us down or confused or sad or mad!

Thanks so much for being there - you are all great supporters!

[GreenRoad]

Good Afternoon!

Thank you for your words of encouragement, BvsMom. You provided some great advise regarding having a plan of sorts regarding how to talk with her about not living on our property. I've considered even having some notes of in front of me so I don't just ramble or back down completely. I also love how you picture your mom in a bubble so her words don't affect you as much; I think that's a great idea I could try. I have to be honest though, I'm beginning to chicken out regarding her upcoming visit and I'm debating whether or not to tell her I'm just not up for a visit right now.

She's been giving me the silent treatment for over two weeks now, and I'm dealing with some major guilt feelings for not reaching out, and also some major anxiety regarding the possible upcoming visit. I just don't know what to do right now. I feel like I should do SOMETHING, but I'm not sure at all what that is. Part of me feels like telling her that now is not a good time for a visit, that I'm taking some time to work on myself and reflect on how to move forward in our relationship. My husband and I are actually putting new floors in our kitchen over the next month and DIYing it, so the house will be a construction zone, making a visit by anyone less than ideal anyway. BUT I don't want to give her more ammo down the line either. I just know she'd pull the "Wow, you didn't even want to see your own mother AND grandma, and it's been six months" card. I'm so conflicted right now, and I feel the clock ticking closer and closer to the 24th when she and grandma had come to visit. I've debated calling to feel out her current state of mind, but I fear a rage is coming, I've considered sending an email or Facebook message touching on how I feel, but again the fear of her raging is there, and I've debated doing nothing at all. I fear if I do that, she'll either go off the deep end at some point soon, or call me to let me know she's on her way to my house, and I'm unprepared and just freeze up. 

It really is a continuous battle of guilt on one shoulder and the strength I've gained just by researching BPD and having the support on this message board. At times I can so relate to feeling like you have wings and can soar in many ways, but I also feel strangled by guilt too.

Thank you all for your kind words and your support in letting me know I'm not alone. I feel like as a group we gain strength in knowing others are in the same boat we are.

[BvsMom]

Hi StephDawn -

Not that I am in any position to give advice, but maybe it is the best time to say not to come for this visit - that you need some time to work on yourself.  But then, it is dealing with what "she" thinks and what she might say.  It's like surviving an onslaught.  It's really hard and I understand.

A previous therapist I spoke with when I was dealing with issues with my BPD mom about 10 years ago gave me a great coping device - she said in I believe it is the Buddhist faith, each person chooses for themselves a "breath prayer" - a prayer that can be said with every exhale - so it is short and easy to remember.  Deep breath and say your prayer to yourself as you exhale.  I decided that mine was "You are the good person God intended you to be."  I still use it - in fact, I need to use it more!

As I was thinking about my situation, and maybe this can help you - why am I so concerned about responding to a person who set out to basically ruin a family event - on purpose - yes, because of her illness, but, geez!  Why do I still feel it is my place to do something - she is the one who should be apologizing all over herself.  Why am I so concerned that she is "hurt" because I haven't talked to her since?  I have every right not to talk to someone who hurt me so much.  But, all of us children of the BPD mom know that she will start a personal vendetta campaign against us, and convince everyone in her vicinity that she is the victim and we are terrible people.  This is the part where I get lost... .and should probably seek outside treatment again, as I have in the past.

I have realized in the past couple of weeks that the situation is making me depressed.  And, I am not a depressed person - I am a happy, can-do, let's go kind of person!  But I really feel stuck here - I realize that I have to get past being mad at my BPD mom before I can move forward.  Because any plans I make for the future of our relationship have to be positive ones, and not for vindictive reasons.  That will get me nowhere, other than make me more mad.

So, I am still working through it.  I think I am still on step one from above - realizing all the past abuse.  I am 52 and my mother has done this MY WHOLE LIFE!  Every event I can think of I am seeing in a new light - and I need to take the time each time a new event comes up and work through it to console the younger person in me.  That it wasn't my fault.

I drew boundaries previously with my BPD mom, as I have mentioned in the past, but I feel we have moved past those old boundaries, as they don't work anymore.  Just not sure what the new ones look like - short of No Contact.

Just to get it off my mind, and I am sure all of us have similar stories - during this last confrontation in November (which I am amazed I was able to handle - I am not confrontational - but she pushed it right in my face) she said the most ridiculous things to me, almost spitting them in my face.  She devalued my political beliefs, my faith - and then, almost comically, she said "you only send Christmas cards to Justin's (my husband) side of the family!"  I looked at her incredulously (of course, we were in a public place, so I kept the conversation even and cool as much as I could) - and said, "I haven't sent ANYONE Christmas cards in YEARS!"  She said, "yes, you did."  I tried really hard not to laugh.  Maybe that's the key - get a sense of humor back about this, and move forward, but still not letting her run over me.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my rambling - it helps to get it out.  Deep breath!