I am currently separated from my husband of 9 months.

[Libby]

I love my husband dearly.  I have been reading Stop Walking On Eggshells and realize that BPD is what we have been dealing with.  We are separated due to emotional and verbal abuse - never physical.  My family became so concerned that they threatened to break off contact with me if I didn't divorce my husband.  Some of them did break off contact because I will not divorce him.  I do not want a divorce and do not believe I have grounds according to my faith. 

I want with all my heart to reconcile but don't know how to approach this without again losing contact with family members.

Suggestions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Libby,

I'm so sorry that you are being put into a position of having to choose between your H and your family. That doesn't seem fair. I'm sure your family is very concerned for your own safety and emotional well being. It's hard for someone who is not in a relationship with someone with BPD to completely understand.

Has your H been getting treatment while you are separated? Is he open to working things out?

Could you share with your family a little about BPD and explain to them that although you truly appreciate their concerns that you do not believe that you are ready to end your marriage? When I revealed BPD to my family, I shared the video Maybe It's More Than Just a Bad Day with them to give them a basic idea of what it's like. I also asked them not to mention BPD to my H but that I was sharing it with them so they can understand why my H is a little moodier, withdrawn, annoyed, etc. more than the average person.

One thing that might help is to also really begin working on yourself and ways to protect your own well being and sharing how you are doing that.

One thing that I don't do is share any of our fights with family. My H and I will make up, but my family doesn't get to see that make up process so if I were to share the things he says or does in a fight, then they only hear my side and would think he is an awful person. The only place I really share details of our fights is here. I don't even share details with friends. I might let them know that things are rough but I never go into details.

[juju2]

Hi L

the same thing happened to me,  we were in a 10 yr relationship, my grown kids cut off contact w me because they didnt like the way he treated me... .we are separated since march of 2017, we are in couples counseling, every two weeks, it is a very long road back.

I tell my kids NOW, dont interfere.  I have never interfered with their lives, romances, etc.  when they became 18.  When they were younger i tried my best to just let them learn the lessons they needed.

hang in there, this community has helped me get thru many rough weeks that arent over yet... .
j

[Libby]

Thanks Juju, for sharing some of your story with me.  I like what you said about setting a boundary with your adult children about interfering in your relationship.

I'm pretty sure i scared mine half to death making the mistake of telling them details of my husband's behavior which was so shocking to me when it first started. 

I plan follow a previous suggestion of asking my family to get informed about BPD as a first step.