Path forward after wife opened a bill from a lawyer I consulted

[UserZer0]

Situation:
In March of 2017 I consulted with a lawyer to verify my position with regards to protecting my children and my reputation in the eventuality of my wife going "toxic" on my character.  This was based on what I read about BPD personalities and their actions during divorce disputes. 

The reason I felt it was necessary is that she had been threatening to send my son to boarding school as punishment for their disputes.  As I was not in agreement with her proposed solution she often used the threat of “divorce” as a way of trying to enforce her position.

In the end the situation was defused when my son stopped arguing so much. 
As it turns out he actually did end up going to boarding school, but only because given the choice between repeating a year at school and going to boarding school HE chose the boarding school option.  (I’m still living with the constant “see, its working” from my wife since his grades are improving at the school, but I can live with that.)

Fast forward to January 2018.  After finishing their end of year accounts the lawyer ends up sending me a bill since the 500 CHF deposit I made at the time didn’t cover their 600 CHF final calculation of costs (one meeting plus 3 emails….I think it’s good to try to avoid divorce). 

Of course, for one time in about 3 years I am not the one who ends up sorting the mail and my wife ends up opening the bill from the lawyer by mistake as she thought she had read her name on it (and no, I’m not doubting that (not too much anyway).

Of course seeing a bill from a lawyer with the words “divorce” included sent her through the roof, but after a half day cool down I told her I had only consulted him in order to confirm the situation concerning custody of children in case of divorce as she had been the one mentioning divorce constantly in March.  This actually worked, but after a day of peace she reopened the subject and is now asking to see the e-mails that I sent and received from the lawyer.

My response so far has been that I don’t feel the need to show her the e-mails since it was a confidential conversation between the lawyer and myself.  I’ll let you imagine her response.   The real reason for not wanting to show her (aside from that I really feel it’s confidential) is that I mentioned BPD several times in the conversations.

Now, the question: Should I actually let her see the e-mails and “introduce her” to my suspicions of her having BPD in this manner or maintain my position of the e-mail being confidential?

Any opinion is welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[DearHusband]

Hello UsserZer0,

I've had the same experience. No way to win this one. If you don't show her the email, she will always wonder what was in them. That imagination can go off the rails. If you do you show her the emails she will hold what you said in them against you for the rest of your life.

However, I wouldn't show her them. She needs to learn to deal with her anxiety and you need to set up a boundary that you are not going to show her your private emails. Be prepared for an extinction burst if you do this.

DH

[isilme]

I would not show them.  Maybe others better at DEARMAN and SET can find a way to phrase the best reasoning to NOT show them and put the argument to bed, but no, I'd not show them.

Also, just as a suggestion even though it's not the best - get a PO box if you can, or have sensitive stuff mailed to your workplace.  I find that H simply cannot handle some things and so they need to be routed away from his dysregulation.

You need the freedom to research and consult regarding the more extreme measures your W may threaten, without fear of later reprisals. 

[UserZer0]

Hello UsserZer0,

I've had the same experience. No way to win this one. If you don't show her the email, she will always wonder what was in them. That imagination can go off the rails. If you do you show her the emails she will hold what you said in them against you for the rest of your life.

However, I wouldn't show her them. She needs to learn to deal with her anxiety and you need to set up a boundary that you are not going to show her your private emails. Be prepared for an extinction burst if you do this.

DH

Well, as predicted, she brought up the subject again this evening and the "extinction burst" did indeed happen (in front of my daughter of 11).
- Threatened with divorce
- Called a liar multiple times

I just remained calm in face of it all and said it was a confidential discussion between the lawyer and myself and I don't feel the need to let her see the e-mails since I had already told her the basic content of the discussion (minus BPD references).

Now we'll see how the rest of the week unfolds

[ArleighBurke]

As others have said, stand your ground. It's OK for you to have a boundary. And healthy.

... .I only consulted him in order to confirm the situation concerning custody of children in case of divorce as she had been the one mentioning divorce constantly in March

There's no need to keep justifying, but it would be good to remind her that her words have consequences. (This isn't quite the DEAR technique, but sort of)
"Wife, I want to be with you. I want to make this marraige work. But there are 2 of us here and I can only control me. *YOU* brought up the idea of divorce in March, and although that's not what I want, I certainly needed to prepare should you choose that. I want to ensure our children have the best life despite what may happen to us. But my intention, my desire, is to remain married to you."


An almost similar thing happenned to me when I first started reading about BPD. I realised she had BPD, but that I also needed to work on me (to reduce my enmeshment) to then be able to work on us. I started an online program (almost like this site) where I disclosed all my most intimate/raw thoughts and behaviours, to get advice and become better. She sensed I was different, and behaving different, and wanted answers. Faced with the no-win situation of either "behaving untrustingly and secretively" or "telling her all about it", I decided to tell her. She got on the site, read all my posts and completely lost it - she didn't trust me after that anyway because of what she'd read. As hard as it would have been, I think I would have been better off telling her just a little bit, and keeping my privacy.

[UserZer0]

As others have said, stand your ground. It's OK for you to have a boundary. And healthy.

There's no need to keep justifying, but it would be good to remind her that her words have consequences. (This isn't quite the DEAR technique, but sort of)
"Wife, I want to be with you. I want to make this marraige work. But there are 2 of us here and I can only control me. *YOU* brought up the idea of divorce in March, and although that's not what I want, I certainly needed to prepare should you choose that. I want to ensure our children have the best life despite what may happen to us. But my intention, my desire, is to remain married to you."


An almost similar thing happenned to me when I first started reading about BPD. I realised she had BPD, but that I also needed to work on me (to reduce my enmeshment) to then be able to work on us. I started an online program (almost like this site) where I disclosed all my most intimate/raw thoughts and behaviours, to get advice and become better. She sensed I was different, and behaving different, and wanted answers. Faced with the no-win situation of either "behaving untrustingly and secretively" or "telling her all about it", I decided to tell her. She got on the site, read all my posts and completely lost it - she didn't trust me after that anyway because of what she'd read. As hard as it would have been, I think I would have been better off telling her just a little bit, and keeping my privacy.

Thanks for the advice.  I pretty much stated what you suggested last night and this morning, but I'll probably need to enforce the "I want to be with you. I want to make this marraige work" message as I mostly focused on the children and need for boundries aspect.

We've already been to a psy after a previous episode and something similar to your experience happened.  During the sessions with the psy I opened up, voiced all my concerns, etc.  After each session all I got was "how could you say such a thing in front of the psy" and a lot of other similar "observation".  Basically the whole thing was a waste of time because she would just take the little bits of advice that the psy directed to me (be a bit more authoritative with the kids, etc) and ignore anything directed at her.

I just get the impression that she knows she can't hold her breath and turn blue so she just uses the "divorce" card every time.  We'll see if the situation can be corrected again or not, but it's certain that I won't be showing her the e-mails.

[ArleighBurke]

The situation won't correct... .

I used to think that if I read up on BPD, if I knew all the techniques, if I used all the tools, that she would "get better". It doesn't happen. You learning all the tools is there to help YOU live, and to stop things getter worse. But I don't think they make her get any better.

She talks about divorce because she is conflicted - she desperately wants to love you and be held and be safe, but at the same time she doesn't want to be smothered, controlled, as intimacy is scary. So she does the push/pull. It won't stop.

I think all you can do is show her a "I don't care" attitude. No that you don't care about the relationship, but that you can only control yourself, and that whatever she decides is HER decision. So you just keep being you and doing what YOU need to do for the relationship. Allow her "words" of divorce. You've stated your desires for the relationship already, so you don't need to correct her each time. If she feels like she always has that option, it helps her feel in control. But don't allow those words to freak you out. You have demonstrated that you have reacted to those words in an adult, calm, controlled manner (by ensuing your children's future). And your reaction to those words in the future needs to CONVEY (not explicitly state) that she is allowed to leave, that if she does you will probably miss her, but your life will go on, and that her threatening divorce will change NOTHING in your behaviour because you are already living and behaving the way you want/should.