For those of you who were the ones who left...

[lostdorothy]

I would like to reach out to those of you who are the ones that left the relationship. My uhwpd never left. He always threatened to leave and a few times left for a few hours or at most overnight. I feel that my situation is different than others that are commenting.
I had to be the one to stop it but it took a lot. I held on longer than I should have. Finally I stepped outside myself and and I knew I had to do what I had to do to protect myself.
I am 100% certain that I have dealt with a person with BPD, I just wonder why I was never discarded and why I had to be the one to end it.
Just looking for some insight on this. Thank you all for reading and for your support.
BTW, I am out for good and doing very well. I know that obsessing with the "why" is probably not the best use of my time but then again, we are all healing here, the best we know how.

[pearlsw]

hi lostdorothy,

Thanks for your post! I hope many others will join us here so we can all think this over. I have initiated break ups before, but never with my upwBPDtraits partner. I somehow got the discipline early on not to make breakup threats in his direction. I have to admit the thought of going through a break up with him fills me with dread because I feel like I won't be able to guide it in a healthy manner. It would be chaotic, painful and difficult - like life with him often is.

What did you say? How did you manage it? Can you give us more details if you recall them?

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[lostdorothy]

Thanks for commenting Pearl!
You actually have to leave before they know that you have left. In other words, do not return to the home. Oh they will call, they will threaten, they will try everything in their arsenal. Oh, and let me tell you they have been storing things in the arsenal since the day you met. Everything that you have ever said, or anything that they have perceived from anything that you have done or said, they store it. They store it just for a moment like this.
I will not lie. It was terrifying and traumatic. You will probably have PTSD from it, I do.
But, sometimes, enough is enough.
If I would have tried to leave face to face, it would have been dangerous. You can not attempt that.
I just don't understand why he never left. He just pushed me to leave. It just seems a little different than everyone else.

[pearlsw]

Hi lostdorothy,

Interesting perspective! You really think there is no way for... .oh who am I kidding... .it would painful as h--k!

What are you doing in terms of healing may I ask?

Anyone else have breakup stories to share that relate to lostdorothy's here?

warmly, pearl.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lostdorothy,

I ended the r/s with my dBPDbf.  He was living in my home at the time and I had to prevent him from entering and tell him not to return.  It was very traumatic.  The police were involved and he was a high suicide risk. 

We had had much drama and trauma prior to this moment, needless to say, intensively over a number of months.  I had reached breaking point emotionally and was no longer safe in my own home.  My son had been removed because he witnessed a violent incident.  As you describe, it is not easy AT ALL, but necessary for self preservation yes.  When a r/s has totally taken over your life, leaving you with nothing of yourself, no privacy, no dignity, no self respect, no life outside of the constant drama and abuse, it breaks you down until eventually your survival instinct kicks in.

At the same time, it was incredibly painful for me.  Despite all of the abuse, I still loved this man and felt for the wounded little boy inside of him that lashed out as he did.  I couldn't save him though.  It wasn't my responsibility and once I realised that I had been making it my responsibility when it was totally impossible, I was able to let that go.  Only he can save himself or destroy himself.  We are only responsible for ourselves and our own actions.  I owed it to myself to be responsible for the quality of my own life. 

My ex was with someone else very quickly.  I would not be surprised to find that he had been priming this other woman during our r/s.  He had sensed that I was letting go and could no longer tolerate his abuse.  Perhaps their pushing us to leave is the same as a discard in some respects.     

How long ago did you leave?  Has he moved on now? 

Love and light x

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi lostdorothy,
I had to be the one to leave my r/s with my uBPDh. For seven years I experienced domestic violence as well as rages, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, being accused of things I did not say or do, having my intentions and motives questioned, my fidelity questioned, my own mental disorders thrown in my face (I am in recovery from a dual diagnosis of major depressive disorder and a substance abuse disorder), I was called every horrible name in the book, blamed for everything from the car breaking down to the stone falling out of my wedding ring (it popped out during a physical altercation which he initiated). My h is currently in jail facing aggravated dv charges. He has called me nearly every day for over two months. He threatened many times to leave, but never did. I don't know why some pwBPD discard their romantic partners, and some hang on tooth and nail and leave claw marks on the r/s. I guess it's because though they may have the disorder or some of the BPD traits in common, no two people are alike, and no two pwBPD are alike. Just bc they have the disorder does not mean they will all predictably behave the same in all situations. All people with mdd or a substance use disorder don't act the same in all situations; I know this from personal experience. There are similarities, and we may share symptoms, but that is not a surefire way to predict behavior. Even with my depressive disorder I find that I don't always react in the same way to my symptoms, nor do I always have the same symptoms.
I did not want to leave my relationship. I felt I had no other choice that was acceptable. I could not continue on the way it was. My job, my health, my safety, my children, my sanity- all were at risk. As Harley said, I feel for my h and the wounded child that is inside him. I tried so hard to help him heal, but he would not let me, and I didn't have the power anyway. I had to stop thinking that I was the one and only person in the world who held the key to unlock recovery for him.  I had to stop believing that I had to make choices for him, because he was too sick to make them by himself. My attempts at caretaking were interfering with the personal safety of my child and me, and I had to finally let go and realize that it wasn't my race to run. He has to cross the finish line himself, or keep circling back to the starting line.
It's still hard, even when you are the one who left. And maybe, like harley said, their behavior that pushed us away was a form of abandonment of the relationship. I don't know. I just have struggled to determine how much of his behavior was controllable, how much was BPD and how much was just selfish. I hesitate to put a label on it because I don't want to relieve him of responsibility for his abusive behavior. It was wrong, disorder or not, and I just could not handle any more of it.
Hope you find the answers you are looking for,
I Am Redeemed

[TheTruth]

I would like to reach out to those of you who are the ones that left the relationship. My uhwpd never left. He always threatened to leave and a few times left for a few hours or at most overnight. I feel that my situation is different than others that are commenting.
I had to be the one to stop it but it took a lot. I held on longer than I should have. Finally I stepped outside myself and and I knew I had to do what I had to do to protect myself.
I am 100% certain that I have dealt with a person with BPD, I just wonder why I was never discarded and why I had to be the one to end it.
Just looking for some insight on this. Thank you all for reading and for your support.
BTW, I am out for good and doing very well. I know that obsessing with the "why" is probably not the best use of my time but then again, we are all healing here, the best we know how.

I also left. I really don't understand how people allow themselves to be abused like this for such long periods of time. I'm a very understanding person, but I know when something isn't going to ever work. She destroyed thousands of dollars in my property, and im only a few days out. I'm sure there's much more to come. Reading about the murder rates and trauma from BPD really helped me make a choice.
This was the most toxic relationship I've ever experienced, and I've seen some serious ___ before this .
Honestly after reading, recognizing what. Exactly it was and gaining knowledge I tried many times afterwards to still help. But it just kept cycling back to paranoia, lies, rage, fear of abandonment , but still pushing me away , manipulatiin and self destructive patterns. If it's not going to work, get out . Quick!  Just my 2 cents. Btw, she had the next victims already lined up. And several others in another pocket. It's just not worth it if they are on the extreme end of the spectrum.

[Radcliff]

Hello lostdorothy,

I hear much more about pwBPD-initiated breakup threats than I do about the pwBPD actually leaving.  They are afraid we will leave, so they desperately try to regain control by threatening to leave first.  Many of us automatically react to save the relationship, showering them with validation, which rewards them for the breakup threat, and the cycle continues.  Our behavior can make it so that they can freely make threats like this without facing any consequences.  Many pwBPD have difficulty maintaining a steady direction for long, so being organized and consistent enough to carry out a breakup can be difficult for them.  I don't have any statistics for this, but I actually think that if a break does really happen, it may be more common for the "non" to be the one to break the cycle.

How long were you married?  How long since your breakup?  How about pearlsw's question -- how is your healing going, and what have been the things that have been most helpful in your healing?

WW

[Mikey26]

And has she stopped trying to get you back with her? How long did it take?
Closure... .it was baffling in my case. I knew I'd leave. I'd lost a lot of weight and ended up scrawny. At the same time I felt as though she didn't have an ounce of respect for me. Well, "I felt"... .wrong, it was a fact. I sent her a Xmas text asking her to have a face to face conversation (she'd been giving me another silent treatment for one week) and in the same text I told her she'd be in my heart forever, taking it for granted she'd never answer me back. But she did: she replied "you don't know me at all, you didn't take care of me, blah blah." 2 days later I sent her a final wapp and she replied in a very similar way. It was at night, I was angry and tired so I dropped off. Got up next morning, replied and... .KABAM! Blocked again. I met a common friend at the job and gave my BPDexgf all her things back through her (this common friend). I've never heard from her or this common friend so far, since we've been in the middle of our summer holiday. I wonder if she took her things or told this friend 'just get rid of that bag.' I even returned some words she'd written once, when it looked like we were a perfect couple. I guess she expected me to give her a little begging. She'd painted me black. o respect. Served me right. I seriously look down on myself for having allowed her to disrespect me and put me down. I'm to blame for that. This is a dog-eat-dog world and both of us needed that man's strength (that's to say mine). So at times I believe I could've succeeded. Dunno. I'm massively muddled.
I didn't know I'd feel like this when I'd decided it had to stop.

[lostdorothy]

Thank you everyone for replying.
I have not been replaced that I know of. I am in no contact at the moment but still read e-mails until recently.
I am doing great some days and awful the next.
I am glad to hear that there are others like me that decided to be the one who ended it. Like I said, he was never the one to leave. It feels like a nightmare and I am the one constructing it. What a strange world it is in oz. I want out. For good.
I can't seem to shake the feeling that there is so much that I did not know about my SO. I have a feeling that the lies go deeper than I ever imagined.
Ugh, what torture we all have to endure. Unbelievable.

[Radcliff]

Hi lostdorothy,

You said that you have up days and down days.  What are you doing in your life to keep busy?  What does your support system look like?  With the free time you now have not being in a relationship, can you start up any new activities?

WW