Astronomancer
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10
|
 |
« on: February 11, 2018, 07:58:01 PM » |
|
Hey everyone,
This is my first post here. I ended up Googling "My BPD boyfriend left me" and found this forum. I saw some posts of ladies who went through the same things I have and for the first time, finally I feel understood. I feel less alone in my confusion and I feel like I can speak to people who are educated about a personality disorder and won't give me surface-level "Get rid of him, you deserve better!" replies. I know this is very long and I'm very sorry to push all of this onto an anonymous board. I hope someone is bored enough to find the time to give me guidance... .I'm hurt, lonely, and so so guilty and remorseful.
We met through an online and live far apart. He and I have been using the internet since we were young kids. We just grew up in that age. I know that may be strange to some people, but you can fully have online friends or even relationships that may or may not transcend to real life eventually. I was hoping we could make it that far, and we almost did. We were also never officially dating because of this reason, but we were at points very close that in reality, we would've been seen as a couple... .but I still don't label us as one. My love at times felt one-sided, especially when he would reject me, but there were many times we would treat me like a lover. He has also tried lots of different treatments and nothing has really worked for him.
I occasionally saw him online. He would talk about poetry, or philosophy, or politics, or things that he really liked. I enjoyed seeing how intellectual he was and open-minded. I found the way he acted high-and-mighty for fun really amusing. He was kind of a jerk as entertainment for himself, but generally, he is a good person. He would often go out of his way to help others without expectation. He was popular. One day he came into a voice chatroom that I was in with friends. I jokingly acted like it was such an honor to meet someone so popular. He laughed, and immediately left out of embarrassment. I knew from the moment I heard his voice and how he got flustered that I was interested. I was curious. I wanted to learn more. He always put himself down and had very low self-esteem, and warned me from day one that he would hurt me. But I didn't care. I was lonely too, and I was curious.
He would randomly message me privately to say hello. We got to talking. Bonded over music. I was so shy and awkward at first. I couldn't believe he would go out of his way to talk to me. I respected him a lot. Admired him. He'd sometimes be gone for days and I'd worry about him--he was pretty openly suicidal online, as BPD tends to be, and I always treated it seriously, but I never tried to get into his business. We talked more and more. I eventually came to confess my crush on him. We started becoming more intimate sexually. However... .I started to see a lot of his negative traits. Not just with his BPD, but with the other things he had been through. The first time he ever told me everything, I just... .broke down and cried. He's been through some awful things; childhood sexual abuse, death of loved ones, abusive and neglectful parents, etc. Of course, me being the sympathetic and empathetic person I am... .His pain only made me care for him more. And it became a natural goal to just want to listen to his woes and try to make him happy despite how much he pushed away anyone ever trying to help. He would often have episodes of anger, guilt, self-loathing, and then the blocking and not speaking to me for hours, days. He used to self harm a lot (once we got closer over the months, he did it less and less). He was much worse in the beginning. He always made it very clear he did not want a relationship with me. I would in turn put myself down, and my self-esteem lowered. He has said some very awful, hurtful things to me, pushed me away, etc. But he'd always come back and apologize and spend more time with me. Write me poems to apologize. Blame himself. Say I deserved better. Tell me to “go enjoy” my life without him. Find someone else. Try to convince me to date other people. He'd push me away, while coming back to tug on my sleeve for my attention. It was endearing in a weird way, and I know I have my own issues and I've been through worse than him. I stuck around. I fell in love with him. But I was always so confused by everything he did and said. He asserted he never wanted assumptions to be made about him--but it was hard. Did he want me or not? I can't even tell at this point. His college life is very rough--he takes way more credit hours than he should and I wish I could be there to support him. I always tried to convince him to stay in school, to eat, to take care of himself, to not self-harm or touch drugs. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
He abandoned me when I was completely alone and feeling suicidal. I begged him not to go, but he did. I can't even remember why we fought that morning. That was the last straw for me; I went to a psych ward for a few days. I told no one. I just needed to get away. He drove me crazy on top of my own emotional problems. I had broken up with my ex earlier that year and was still living with her as a roommate for the time being (I am bisexual). I came back home, and checked my messages and emails to see everything he had sent, being so worried about me. It was the first time I had seen how much he cared. He thought I had killed myself because of him…like his ex-girlfriend did. But she had bipolar disorder, and he will never not blame himself for what choice she had made. I carry the guilt of multiple times scaring him with suicidal behavior. I suffer from suicidal ideation too. I wish I had never scared him with it.
One time I was complaining about how a friend had betrayed me. He got irrationally angry and I didn’t know why. Finally, I forced something out of him—he was apparently betraying/manipulating me like they were. He told me he only made me fall for him to see if he could get anyone to love him again. Hearing that, my feelings were shattered. I was in shock. I felt nothing for days. I thought he had feelings for me, only to hear something like that. Betrayal and dishonesty are huge triggers for me, even moreso back then. A few days later, I missed him and things just…sort of went back to normal. I can't really remember... .
In December we had a really huge fight worse than before. He stopped talking to me for a whole week, which was the longest time he'd ever been gone. I had convinced myself to give up. I knew he had finals coming up. I had begged him for days to come back, stay with me, give me a chance. I had begged him every episode of devaluating he had to stay. It was always the wrong move but I didn’t know till I finally studied up more on how to cope with BPD. To be honest, I believe I have it too. But then…I saw that friend request from him again. I had missed him, so badly. I wanted to talk about things, and he was still in his weird hateful phase, telling me I wasn't his type (he has said that multiple times before and after) and that he's looking for this type of girl, or that type of girl. I noticed that I had changed to what he always shown interest in. I was picking up his habits, his phrases, his music tastes... .I was becoming him. I didn't notice it much back then as I do now. Anyway, things “went back to normal” in December, but he was a bit more absent once his break started. He went to party really hard with his friends. I was worried sick at how destructive he was being. He hardly ever slept or anything since I had known him and according to him, it’s been that way for years. I wanted to have a moment with him on New Years, but I didn’t see him till January 1st. And then…everything changed. It shifted hugely. Maybe it was a Resolution to himself, but he started being so sweet to me. He started listening to me more, remembering things about me, treating me as someone he truly cared for. He’d call me on my lunch breaks at work every day, tell me how pretty I was that day, make lots of time for me, do things for me. It’s hard to explain the stark difference between when we first met and January, but believe me – it was a dream. He hadn’t blocked me for maybe two months, which was a huge record. But I feel like I got too comfortable and forgot about his disorder. We were both EXTREMELY stressed out—and still are. January 29th…Monday. We had our worst fight. I had been distant with him, trying to give him space to study when his classes started back up. I was needy. I was lonely. We were not dating. He still said he didn't want to date me, even though he treated me like a girlfriend. Things were just…really weird between us. I had convinced him earlier that month to visit me at the beginning of March on his spring break. He finally agreed. He finally felt more comfortable with me. Things were going so so well. But our emotions came to a head; he was stressed about school, trying to cope with himself, I had my own stress and finally just…took it out on him. I acted like a brat. I always panic about him not wanting me or abandoning me. It's my own problems. And we argued for what felt like the entire day with one break. He was his harshest he ever was with me. He berated me, made me feel stupid, etc etc. What was said isn’t important. The fact was that it had been the worst episode he has had with me. An ongoing theme was how he would use my insecurities against me, and it all came out. And at the end when I got off work, he was just repeating how he could never be forgiven and could never make it up to me. We were both exhausted from fighting. So I got him to watch TV with me and just relax…play some chess online…but then my high-strung emotions came out when I realized just how disappointing I was in cheering him up because of my insecurity—build up from earlier that day. We found again, until 11pm or so. I ended up self-harming and having a major suicidal episode that I hadn't done in months, scaring him again. And then that was it. He left again. I pushed him too hard that day and I regret it deeply, but I am getting back into therapy this week.
I was distraught. I blamed myself. I wanted to die. I believed I couldn’t live without him. I forced my “love” on him so much. Come Friday night, he came back again…but we hardly talked all weekend. Our exchanges were awkward and painfully distant. I believe he was doing school work, but I’m not sure because he refused to tell me anything. Apparently he fought with his roommate too, which always gave him anxiety that drove him nuts. Sunday night, I asked if we could talk…we fell asleep, then argued that morning because again, I didn’t approach anything right and he was still very “done” with my antics. He said my emotions felt “rapey” and I realize within the week of not talking again that I really was too clingy and I wish I had researched and reached out for support for this sooner. I couldn’t avoided so much damage. I don’t blame it all on myself, but… I know I did not treat him fairly either. He always switched to saying “Just wanted to be friends” when he would be intimate with me, be romantic, spend almost all his time outside of class with me. It was confusing, you know? He knew full well how I felt about him the entire time we’d known each other. And we’d spent most of our time together these past five months. For a while, he was the only one I’d really talk to because he ALWAYS wanted to spend time with me. Sometimes it felt a bit suffocating. The boy had energy and loved to talk! Lol. I loved to listen to him though. He is a very intelligent young man and can be very passionate and caring, but he has some severe self-esteem issues and I couldn’t get him to go back to therapy due to him being so busy and his previous therapist being tired of dealing with his BPD. It’s sad.
So it’s been a week since we really talked. He is still avoiding me. I’m still in love. These past two weeks have been strenuous, painful, confusing, and I really don’t understand anything about what has happened. I never understood his feelings for me. I feel like I shouldn’t have tried so hard or looked into things so much, but sometimes it was so difficult. When you hear your loved one’s voice get so tender and listen to your every word…how can you not be in love with someone who says your name so sweetly? I’ve tried to focus on myself lately… I’m getting my own place in two weeks. I don’t want things to be over between him and I. His words the last fights were harsh and hurt at first, but now I don’t even care about them anymore. I just want him to be safe and be happy, and I wish I could be a part of his life again. But how can I help him? How can I help myself?
I have obsessed over him for six months. He has been my world and it's only grown stronger. I have had some unhealthy habits and rituals and I know replies may say we are not right for each other. Maybe that's true... .I just hate that I have put him through so much and was not available to him in a healthy way. I know more now and I wish we could just start again and forget all of this. I am just so confused. Did he ever really love me? He would say he cared and things, but towards the end of this all, he mentioned how my emotional outbursts made him feel like he had to go along with my emotions sometimes. I feel lied to, betrayed, confused. I don't know... .Do I remind him I am here if he wants to come back? Do I distance myself and see if he ever returns? Should I even cling to any hope? When things were good, they were great.
Thank you so much for listening to all this. I know it's very long, but it makes more sense if I tell the whole story... .
It also felt really good to finally get this all off my chest.
|
