What should I have done instead? What behaviour will the next guy get to see?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi bpdfamily! My first post here and hopefully totally worth it! Hope not only I can learn something, but other victims too! I know it will be tough to answer, because that is not a classical relationship topic, but I am optimistic you guys and girls can help out!
I got to know this girl a few months ago and we did not have a relationship, which makes it so complicated for me, as the what-if-questions hit me really hard. We had the most amazing sex I have ever experienced and had so many ups and downs and so much happened that I don't really divide right from wrong. I need people, who may have experienced that before and can understand my situation.
Short summary: I had the chance to get in a relationship with an uBPD, but chosed to stay in a FWB thing, because I trusted my gut feelings and my friends and could not believe she loved me, because she acted so crazy often time. Although she wanted a relationship most of the time, I refused it at the end everytime. Now after all is over and I exposed her behaviours to her, she finally discarded me and painted me in the blackest black I ever knew. She even said that I am as evil as the guy who raped her.
But eventhough, yet after she has gone, it feels like a terrible mistake to had let her go and to not have committed in the relationship. She seems so happy and different now and I feel like she could have been so to me, if I would have start a loving and trusting relationship with her. I feel bad, because maybe she will be different to the next guy and that she is so happy without me. I feel dead at the moment and can't concentrate on any other topic and will be grateful for life, if you guys would commend on that and just answer my three questions. Maybe some other guys got the same problems out there and need that help too. So already thanks for reading!

1. Is this BPD?

Here are some eventual Red Flags I recognized through our FWB:

1.Told me about her depression and gave me oral after 2 hours of knowing her
2. Wanted to make everything everytime with me, always texted me, sometimes we would chat hours for hours.
3. Quick commitment: Posted a picture of us holding hands after 8 days. Wanted a relationship without having really feelings after 13 days.
4. She constantly talked about herself and her problems. Always complained about backaches or headaches. Really egocentric, if I started talking about me, she would refer it to herself, so she could talk about her.
5. Felt guilttripped, as I was responsible for her problems and her happiness. She told me, how bad she was treated by other boys in her past. Had in her opinion no really friends nor best friends. Told me that I was the only one that could make her smile and that she is really unhappy and needed me. She says, she does not want to be alone and that she can't handle herself and hates herself and that so many people already had left her and that it would be okay, if I would do the same thing. And she told me once that the she is thinking about suicide and has done that before. When she would return after leaving me or me leaving her, she would often say, how sorry she was and that she was not herself and did not mean it and did not really know that this behaviour would hurt me and did not know what she was doing at all. She would be so sad and remorseful that I would take her back.
6. Victimisation and no responsibility: She was never at fault. If her grades were bad, it was my fault or the fault of the other students. If she had psychological problems and felt emotionally drained, it was my or other's guy fault. She decided to have a FWB with me: My fault. She barely admitted any mistake and if she really did one, it only happened because I did something that lead to her critical behaviour. I did not feel that we had solved a conflict, because we talked about the same problems in cycles. She would first say sorry, but would do the same thing again or would tell me I see it wrong and overanalyze or she would only do this, because of my behaviour or would tell me that I acted the same.
7. Her actions did not match her words. She told me that I was the most important in her life and minutes after fighting for me and our FWB, she told me that she would like to make out with other guys. She said, she loved me, but did not ask thinks about my life or my person or my past. Flirted with others and constantly told me about her earlier guys. Did not give compliments- made fun of me at the end with sarcastic comments and called me an asshamster after giving her a compliment.
8. Secrets and traingulation: I would ask her, what would be going on with a guy and she would refuse to talk about them. She would be totally unclear about it and would say, that it would not be my business, even though she started talking about it. Could never be sure, what would be the matter with other guys. She always tried to make me jealous with them and it was exhausting.
9. No introspective: She told me that, if she would analyse herself, she would fall in deep depressions. She said that she does not know, who she is or what she really wants from a relationship. She also said that she feels an eternal void and a stark emptiness. At the time we had contact there would be times, where she would be tired of life and would barely do anything. She would be in such a dark, depressive mode.
10. Facade and acting: She told me that she would act in front of her friends that everything would be fine and that she is normal and happy. She doesn't trust anyone and would not want help from her friends or tell them about her problems.
11. Her past: She was beaten up in childhood by her brother, received bullying in middleschool and was raped a few months ago. Had generally problems to maintain relationships: Often discussions with her friends, which would lead into discarding them. Always had problems with guys in the past, who would not want a relationship with her, no matter how long they had known her. Would be angry, when I tried to talk about her childhood and how much love she received.
12. Paranoia: There were multiple times, where she would think that her friends have talked about her behind her back, would isolate or exclude her and would leave her alone and that nobody would be ever interested in her problems.
13. Depressions: Would often cry, most of the times without having any actual reasons.
14. Her sexual behaviour: Would give me a blowjob after 2 hours of knowing her, would do everything to please me, tried to make me horny secretely in front of my friends- even tried to make a guy horny, she did not even found hot. She loved it to bond me on my bed.
15. Her mood swings: One day, she would be absolutely happy and would really enjoy life, would sing to songs and would smile all the time and would tell me about great her life is (especially the days after she left me)- just to text me a day later from a party that she sits there crying, because of her life and because she misses me so much.
16. I love you, I hate you... .There were days, where she would tell me e.g. on Day 1 that she would not love me, on Day 3 that she would love me, on Day 4 that she has not strong feelings yet and on Day 5 that she would totally love me, only to tell me a few days later that she does not love me. And that would happen really, really often. She hated me, when I told her the truth and exposed her ___ty behaviour and told me that I would only hang on the negative sides of her and would not see the good ones, or that I would hang on lies and that she is not as I think. Would tell me that she was not so sure, if she still loved me after I behaved in a way, that made her angry.
17. Black and White thinking: She told me that in the beginning she just concentrated on my positives and did not think of the negatives. In the end in her opinion she just focused on the negatives then. Sometimes she was the cutest and warmest person to me and sometimes she would be so cold that I asked myself, if I really know her. Would cut off people, if they did one thing she didn't like, even if she liked that person in the past whole the time.
18. Control-freak: Would post emotional pictures and quotes after one of our many "break-ups", so I would feel pity for them and lure them back into the relationship. Told me that she gives everything in bed, So I would not forget her. Would try to stalk a girl I hooked up with via Snapchat. Would always text me or would come to parties, where I was after a break-up.
19. Constantly critizising: My style of driving, my clothes, my singing, my dancing, the way I walk etc. Would also blame for things, she does the same. E.G. one time I visited her spontaneous and she said she did not like t, even though she planned to do the same thing three times before.
20. Manipulation: Made it to lure me into paying for nearly everything for her with her cute, childlike voice and acting. Generally sometimes she acted like a child. Would leave and discard me, when I said something wrong, just to come back a few days later. Would go to sleep or would change the topic, if she did not want to talk about it.
21. Lies about everything. She would lie about everything, that some things were not said and done and that I would be wrong, even though me and my friends knew it happened as we thought. She would even try to convince me that she never chat some things, which I clearly had in my Whatsapp Chat! Told me that she would leave me forever and that was the end, but constantly came back.
22. Constantly negative: Always complaining about school, about her class, about her parents, about backaches or headaches, would never be really happy for a long time.  
23.Impulsivity: Would tell me that she would only look after her happiness and would not be interested in how others would feel about her actions. She would not think about the consequences and would make the decisions and actions she liked to at that moment.
24. My feelings: I am addicted to her. She has no characteristics I really appreciate, but I can't stop thinking about her and I am emotionally exhausted and had symptoms of PTSD. Was never a pessimistic person but had dark thoughts after the final discard and nearly developed a deperession. Could not focus on work.
25. Who is she? I was never really sure, who she is nor would I say I really knew her. One day she was that person and the other day a complete other one. Would not act the same to me as to other persons in her life.

2. Would it all have been different, if I would have had a loving relationship with her? Was her behaviour only caused by my actions and the circumstances?

So after a while, I was ready to start a relationship, but she did not want it anymore. I think that she knew I was exhausted and developed a depression and it would not be totally about her anymore and that she would have to look after me. I also think that she got kind of bored as she finally got me. She would then after her final discard refuse to speak about our former FWB and possible relationship and was totally cold. So I send her a list like that and told her that she may have BPD. Not my best idea. She said to the list that most of the things were a lie, never happened or would be totally normal- she would be totally normal and maybe I would be the one with BPD. After I gave her proofs that her behavior would not have been normal for me and totally happened she started to attack me, that I am not worth it, she is better without me and so lucky and that she has such a good life now after she deleted many bad people from her life (especially me) and that no one will destroy her great life. She also wanted to tell me that she has slept with another one, who she did not really like in the past, but was better than me in her opinion. Furthermore she really wanted me to believe that she changed exactly these kind of behaviours, which she refused to have or which I totally misinterpret. After I could not believe this, she would just tell me that she just acted all the time she knew me and was not her real self and that I would never know her real self.

So my question is, if this behaviour could have been prevented, if I could have loved her and would have been in a relationship with her. I was constantly blamed for everything that I'm afraid I start to believe it. What if she was only so bad, because I always refused a relationship with her? Would she have been better in a loving relationship, where she feel worshipped and loved and safe? I am really exhausted and can not tell right from wrong anymore. When she was with me, she seemed so sad and unhappy and full of problems. But now after she hahs left me, she totally seems like a new person. She makes everything with her friends (yeah, new supply probably), seems really happy and independent and does not seem to have any concerns at all. She just seems totally normal and happy to me. And that feels really bad for me, because I think now that it is my fault, eventhough I really tried hard to make her happy and really let her return very often, no matter what bull___ she would have done or written. I hate the thought that maybe the next person will have her good qualities and will never see the bad side I had to get along with. I feel really deep hurt, when I think about that she discarded me and probably never will come back. And I could not really believe it at all, after all the fights we fought, also the thoughts we thought and all the things we made, she always came back. And no, she will never eventually come back and never be the same. Is she really just doing fine?

3. What should I have done different and how will she get along with the next guy?

What was my fault and what should I have done instead? How will her situation be different right now- has she really changed? And what behaviour will the next guy get to see and to know?

Cheers guys.

[guilttripped9000]

Hi bpdfamily! My first post here and hopefully totally worth it! Hope not only I can learn something, but other victims too! I know it will be tough to answer, because that is not a classical relationship topic, but I am optimistic you guys and girls can help out!
I got to know this girl a few months ago and we did not have a relationship, which makes it so complicated for me, as the what-if-questions hit me really hard. We had the most amazing sex I have ever experienced and had so many ups and downs and so much happened that I don't really divide right from wrong. I need people, who may have experienced that before and can understand my situation.
Short summary: I had the chance to get in a relationship with an uBPD, but chosed to stay in a FWB thing, because I trusted my gut feelings and my friends and could not believe she loved me, because she acted so crazy often time. Although she wanted a relationship most of the time, I refused it at the end everytime. Now after all is over and I exposed her behaviours to her, she finally discarded me and painted me in the blackest black I ever knew. She even said that I am as evil as the guy who raped her.
But eventhough, yet after she has gone, it feels like a terrible mistake to had let her go and to not have committed in the relationship. She seems so happy and different now and I feel like she could have been so to me, if I would have start a loving and trusting relationship with her. I feel bad, because maybe she will be different to the next guy and that she is so happy without me. I feel dead at the moment and can't concentrate on any other topic and will be grateful for life, if you guys would commend on that and just answer my three questions. Maybe some other guys got the same problems out there and need that help too. So already thanks for reading!

1. Is this BPD?

Here are some eventual Red Flags I recognized through our FWB:

1.Told me about her depression and gave me oral after 2 hours of knowing her
2. Wanted to make everything everytime with me, always texted me, sometimes we would chat hours for hours.
3. Quick commitment: Posted a picture of us holding hands after 8 days. Wanted a relationship without having really feelings after 13 days.
4. She constantly talked about herself and her problems. Always complained about backaches or headaches. Really egocentric, if I started talking about me, she would refer it to herself, so she could talk about her.
5. Felt guilttripped, as I was responsible for her problems and her happiness. She told me, how bad she was treated by other boys in her past. Had in her opinion no really friends nor best friends. Told me that I was the only one that could make her smile and that she is really unhappy and needed me. She says, she does not want to be alone and that she can't handle herself and hates herself and that so many people already had left her and that it would be okay, if I would do the same thing. And she told me once that the she is thinking about suicide and has done that before. When she would return after leaving me or me leaving her, she would often say, how sorry she was and that she was not herself and did not mean it and did not really know that this behaviour would hurt me and did not know what she was doing at all. She would be so sad and remorseful that I would take her back.
6. Victimisation and no responsibility: She was never at fault. If her grades were bad, it was my fault or the fault of the other students. If she had psychological problems and felt emotionally drained, it was my or other's guy fault. She decided to have a FWB with me: My fault. She barely admitted any mistake and if she really did one, it only happened because I did something that lead to her critical behaviour. I did not feel that we had solved a conflict, because we talked about the same problems in cycles. She would first say sorry, but would do the same thing again or would tell me I see it wrong and overanalyze or she would only do this, because of my behaviour or would tell me that I acted the same.
7. Her actions did not match her words. She told me that I was the most important in her life and minutes after fighting for me and our FWB, she told me that she would like to make out with other guys. She said, she loved me, but did not ask thinks about my life or my person or my past. Flirted with others and constantly told me about her earlier guys. Did not give compliments- made fun of me at the end with sarcastic comments and called me an asshamster after giving her a compliment.
8. Secrets and traingulation: I would ask her, what would be going on with a guy and she would refuse to talk about them. She would be totally unclear about it and would say, that it would not be my business, even though she started talking about it. Could never be sure, what would be the matter with other guys. She always tried to make me jealous with them and it was exhausting.
9. No introspective: She told me that, if she would analyse herself, she would fall in deep depressions. She said that she does not know, who she is or what she really wants from a relationship. She also said that she feels an eternal void and a stark emptiness. At the time we had contact there would be times, where she would be tired of life and would barely do anything. She would be in such a dark, depressive mode.
10. Facade and acting: She told me that she would act in front of her friends that everything would be fine and that she is normal and happy. She doesn't trust anyone and would not want help from her friends or tell them about her problems.
11. Her past: She was beaten up in childhood by her brother, received bullying in middleschool and was raped a few months ago. Had generally problems to maintain relationships: Often discussions with her friends, which would lead into discarding them. Always had problems with guys in the past, who would not want a relationship with her, no matter how long they had known her. Would be angry, when I tried to talk about her childhood and how much love she received.
12. Paranoia: There were multiple times, where she would think that her friends have talked about her behind her back, would isolate or exclude her and would leave her alone and that nobody would be ever interested in her problems.
13. Depressions: Would often cry, most of the times without having any actual reasons.
14. Her sexual behaviour: Would give me a blowjob after 2 hours of knowing her, would do everything to please me, tried to make me horny secretely in front of my friends- even tried to make a guy horny, she did not even found hot. She loved it to bond me on my bed.
15. Her mood swings: One day, she would be absolutely happy and would really enjoy life, would sing to songs and would smile all the time and would tell me about great her life is (especially the days after she left me)- just to text me a day later from a party that she sits there crying, because of her life and because she misses me so much.
16. I love you, I hate you... .There were days, where she would tell me e.g. on Day 1 that she would not love me, on Day 3 that she would love me, on Day 4 that she has not strong feelings yet and on Day 5 that she would totally love me, only to tell me a few days later that she does not love me. And that would happen really, really often. She hated me, when I told her the truth and exposed her ___ty behaviour and told me that I would only hang on the negative sides of her and would not see the good ones, or that I would hang on lies and that she is not as I think. Would tell me that she was not so sure, if she still loved me after I behaved in a way, that made her angry.
17. Black and White thinking: She told me that in the beginning she just concentrated on my positives and did not think of the negatives. In the end in her opinion she just focused on the negatives then. Sometimes she was the cutest and warmest person to me and sometimes she would be so cold that I asked myself, if I really know her. Would cut off people, if they did one thing she didn't like, even if she liked that person in the past whole the time.
18. Control-freak: Would post emotional pictures and quotes after one of our many "break-ups", so I would feel pity for them and lure them back into the relationship. Told me that she gives everything in bed, So I would not forget her. Would try to stalk a girl I hooked up with via Snapchat. Would always text me or would come to parties, where I was after a break-up.
19. Constantly critizising: My style of driving, my clothes, my singing, my dancing, the way I walk etc. Would also blame for things, she does the same. E.G. one time I visited her spontaneous and she said she did not like t, even though she planned to do the same thing three times before.
20. Manipulation: Made it to lure me into paying for nearly everything for her with her cute, childlike voice and acting. Generally sometimes she acted like a child. Would leave and discard me, when I said something wrong, just to come back a few days later. Would go to sleep or would change the topic, if she did not want to talk about it.
21. Lies about everything. She would lie about everything, that some things were not said and done and that I would be wrong, even though me and my friends knew it happened as we thought. She would even try to convince me that she never chat some things, which I clearly had in my Whatsapp Chat! Told me that she would leave me forever and that was the end, but constantly came back.
22. Constantly negative: Always complaining about school, about her class, about her parents, about backaches or headaches, would never be really happy for a long time.  
23.Impulsivity: Would tell me that she would only look after her happiness and would not be interested in how others would feel about her actions. She would not think about the consequences and would make the decisions and actions she liked to at that moment.
24. My feelings: I am addicted to her. She has no characteristics I really appreciate, but I can't stop thinking about her and I am emotionally exhausted and had symptoms of PTSD. Was never a pessimistic person but had dark thoughts after the final discard and nearly developed a deperession. Could not focus on work.
25. Who is she? I was never really sure, who she is nor would I say I really knew her. One day she was that person and the other day a complete other one. Would not act the same to me as to other persons in her life.

2. Would it all have been different, if I would have had a loving relationship with her? Was her behaviour only caused by my actions and the circumstances?

So after a while, I was ready to start a relationship, but she did not want it anymore. I think that she knew I was exhausted and developed a depression and it would not be totally about her anymore and that she would have to look after me. I also think that she got kind of bored as she finally got me. She would then after her final discard refuse to speak about our former FWB and possible relationship and was totally cold. So I send her a list like that and told her that she may have BPD. Not my best idea. She said to the list that most of the things were a lie, never happened or would be totally normal- she would be totally normal and maybe I would be the one with BPD. After I gave her proofs that her behavior would not have been normal for me and totally happened she started to attack me, that I am not worth it, she is better without me and so lucky and that she has such a good life now after she deleted many bad people from her life (especially me) and that no one will destroy her great life. She also wanted to tell me that she has slept with another one, who she did not really like in the past, but was better than me in her opinion. Furthermore she really wanted me to believe that she changed exactly these kind of behaviours, which she refused to have or which I totally misinterpret. After I could not believe this, she would just tell me that she just acted all the time she knew me and was not her real self and that I would never know her real self.

So my question is, if this behaviour could have been prevented, if I could have loved her and would have been in a relationship with her. I was constantly blamed for everything that I'm afraid I start to believe it. What if she was only so bad, because I always refused a relationship with her? Would she have been better in a loving relationship, where she feel worshipped and loved and safe? I am really exhausted and can not tell right from wrong anymore. When she was with me, she seemed so sad and unhappy and full of problems. But now after she hahs left me, she totally seems like a new person. She makes everything with her friends (yeah, new supply probably), seems really happy and independent and does not seem to have any concerns at all. She just seems totally normal and happy to me. And that feels really bad for me, because I think now that it is my fault, eventhough I really tried hard to make her happy and really let her return very often, no matter what bull___ she would have done or written. I hate the thought that maybe the next person will have her good qualities and will never see the bad side I had to get along with. I feel really deep hurt, when I think about that she discarded me and probably never will come back. And I could not really believe it at all, after all the fights we fought, also the thoughts we thought and all the things we made, she always came back. And no, she will never eventually come back and never be the same. Is she really just doing fine?

3. What should I have done different and how will she get along with the next guy?

What was my fault and what should I have done instead? How will her situation be different right now- has she really changed? And what behaviour will the next guy get to see and to know?

Cheers guys.

[savreina]

I don’t have much experience with someone with BPD as some others may have but I would like to say that everything you described (minus the oral) described my exBPD to a T. Wishing 2 weeks of getting to know each other she told me we were gonna be together forever & called me her gf. She told me about how everyone she ever dated treated her like sh** and how she hated them all. But just a few weeks ago she told me she was still friends with her exes LOL. Nothing but lies honestly. Now that I’m done with her I’ve had time to think about some of the things that she told me that did add up. Everything she said about her exes was probably how she was and projected her fcked up flaws onto them. I honestly don’t think that the amount of love you could’ve given her would’ve changed anything, especially if she wasn’t getting the help she needs.

[savreina]

I’ve also read several places that they’re usually the same with every new partner (idealization & then devaluation). Her happiness is probably only going to be temporary once the next person sees who she really is. TRUST ME, no one is lucky when it comes to them.

[Insom]

 

Hi, guilttripped9000!  Welcome. 

If you are looking to learn about BPD, you have found the right place!  Have you had a chance to check out any of the resources on the right side of this page?  There is a ton of great info there that I found helpful when I first joined the site that you may also find helpful.  >>

We don't diagnose people here but a lot of the behaviors you've described do sound BPD-like.

It sounds like this relationship raised a lot of questions for you about your own behavior.  What's going on with you today?  How are you feeling?

[guilttripped9000]

Hi, guilttripped9000!  Welcome. 

If you are looking to learn about BPD, you have found the right place!  Have you had a chance to check out any of the resources on the right side of this page?  There is a ton of great info there that I found helpful when I first joined the site that you may also find helpful.  >>

We don't diagnose people here but a lot of the behaviors you've described do sound BPD-like.

It sounds like this relationship raised a lot of questions for you about your own behavior.  What's going on with you today?  How are you feeling?

Thank you very much for reading and especially for responding! Well I am analyzing and analyzing the whole day and it is really not easy. The question tht interests me the most, which I can not find an answer to (even not on that page) is, if her behavior was influenced by me and the status of our relationship? Can it be true that the next one will have better luck with her and she will act totally normal? Would be nice, if I could herr your opinion!

[Maxpax2011]

It is not your fault, I felt that way too after the break up. Through therapy and research I learned that the majority of the issues were not me. Untreated BPD persons are not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. It doesn't matter how nice the guy is, or how much money he has, or how much love, it will never be enough. I learned a lot about my exes past history following the break up,  and she was the main cause of her previous relationships failing. Her ex-husband was very wealthy, a good guy from what I heard, she treated him horribly and they divorced after less than a year. Her daughters Father stayed for 5 years, the longest any guy has, and she treated him horribly. She cheated on one boyfriend and left him for another guy, she cheated on me. And her behavior will never change, even now in her new relationship she is still volatile with the new partner. From what I heard he is seeing the same type of behavior that I saw and every guy before me saw. But he is also a low life and volatile himself so he may enjoy that type of relationship. So again it was not you.

[guilttripped9000]

It is not your fault, I felt that way too after the break up. Through therapy and research I learned that the majority of the issues were not me. Untreated BPD persons are not capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. It doesn't matter how nice the guy is, or how much money he has, or how much love, it will never be enough. I learned a lot about my exes past history following the break up,  and she was the main cause of her previous relationships failing. Her ex-husband was very wealthy, a good guy from what I heard, she treated him horribly and they divorced after less than a year. Her daughters Father stayed for 5 years, the longest any guy has, and she treated him horribly. She cheated on one boyfriend and left him for another guy, she cheated on me. And her behavior will never change, even now in her new relationship she is still volatile with the new partner. From what I heard he is seeing the same type of behavior that I saw and every guy before me saw. But he is also a low life and volatile himself so he may enjoy that type of relationship. So again it was not you.

First: Thanks for responding and I am sorry to hear that you had such difficult times! So you don't think her behaviour depends on the relationship you have with her and it didn't matter, if I or one would have a relationship with her, she will stay that difficult, right? I think so too, I analyzed for 2 months, what I could have really done wrong to justify that sort of behavior, but I still do not have a single clue. What the hell happened? 

[guilttripped9000]

Isn't it weird that their behaviour to us romantic partners is so much different to their behaviour and ttheir attitudes towards their friends? Something else I can't really explain.

[Maxpax2011]

First: Thanks for responding and I am sorry to hear that you had such difficult times! So you don't think her behaviour depends on the relationship you have with her and it didn't matter, if I or one would have a relationship with her, she will stay that difficult, right? I think so too, I analyzed for 2 months, what I could have really done wrong to justify that sort of behavior, but I still do not have a single clue. What the hell happened?  

Listen, we all felt that way one time or another, but remember their behavior will not change without treatment. I heard from many people in town that my ex treated her ex-husband horribly during their relationship. I will break down the details for you. They were married less than a year, less than 6 months after buying a house she filed for divorce, and after the divorce he moved to the other side of the state, almost an hour from where she lives, can't ignore those red flags. I know some of her close friends, they all said the same thing, each relationship she was in included fighting or cheating or abusive behavior, her mom warned me about her behavior, her daughters Father warned me several times. They don't change their pattern of behavior in a relationship it just gets worse. Her new relationship? They started arguing less than a month in, he has been posting stuff on Facebook about her being ___y and demanding, she laughs it off, but we both know that behind social media it is anything but ha!. Only a matter of time before he jumps ship. All they do is drink, and when they go home after a long night of drinking and he passes out drunk, she is on social media at 1am posting stuff about break ups and finding love, so it's obvious the fantasy is already crumbling. We didn't do anything wrong, all we did was love them with all we had, and that is what sent them over the edge, fear of abandonment, push/pull behavior, they want to be loved so bad that when they do get it, they go crazy with the thought of losing it, so that triggers their BPD in the worst way. Thinking back after every great time we had, whether it was a romantic dinner, a fun trip, very passionate sex, any significant quality time we shared, following that her behavior would turn volatile. We tried living together, in less than a month she was picking fights with me left and right. You have to realize that it is them not you. Trust me she will not change. And I felt guilty too, I kept asking myself what did I do wrong, and the answer is: NOTHING!. If anything we stayed when we should have gotten out at the first sign of trouble, but again we loved them. Research BPD behavior, research this site, you will learn a lot, and it will ease the pain you feel. Also look at her past history of relationships. Mine included a 9 month marriage, two years with one guy, two years with me, several relationships that lasted a few weeks to a few months, and her daughters father stuck around for 5 years, which even he told me he only stayed because of the kid. She is only 38, quite a lot for someone her age, especially when nothing lasted more than a few years. I am 39 and I have only been in 3: 9 with my ex-wife, 7 with another, and two with her, so there you can see the difference.

[rickdeckard]

 

“Can it be true that the next one will have better luck with her and she will act totally normal?”

Unlikely but possible. We are who we are and “replacement” is who they are. As is the ex.

ive been recycled for five years now very regularly. IMHO this person, the ex, is not going to change their patterns of behaviour toward me. I could be the ultimate doormat or the ultimate “alpha”, wont matter. There is nothing i can change about myself that will alter how they treat me. And trying to do so has caused damage. I have betrayed my own sense of self by attempting to compare myself to “replacement”, to be “what she wants”.

Is “replacement” better than me? Are they the one that “finally gets her”?. Are they going to sail off into the moonlight happy together forever? Maybe. But im not “replacement” or “ex”. I am me.

And i see my faults. And work on them. But simply being me isnt one of them, flawed as I am.

One of the greatest takeaways from this site has been to learn self reflection. You are doing this now, but dont judge yourself too harshly. Dont compare yourself to “him”, or focus on what might have been if “you had only just... .” You will never get an answer to that one. Just speculation and endless possibilties.

Welcome, friend

(just wanted to add, technically its been 30 years now of recylcing, but there is a huge gap in there so ill say 5 years continuous this time)

[guilttripped9000]

Listen, we all felt that way one time or another, but remember their behavior will not change without treatment. I heard from many people in town that my ex treated her ex-husband horribly during their relationship. I will break down the details for you. They were married less than a year, less than 6 months after buying a house she filed for divorce, and after the divorce he moved to the other side of the state, almost an hour from where she lives, can't ignore those red flags. I know some of her close friends, they all said the same thing, each relationship she was in included fighting or cheating or abusive behavior, her mom warned me about her behavior, her daughters Father warned me several times. They don't change their pattern of behavior in a relationship it just gets worse. Her new relationship? They started arguing less than a month in, he has been posting stuff on Facebook about her being ___y and demanding, she laughs it off, but we both know that behind social media it is anything but ha!. Only a matter of time before he jumps ship. All they do is drink, and when they go home after a long night of drinking and he passes out drunk, she is on social media at 1am posting stuff about break ups and finding love, so it's obvious the fantasy is already crumbling. We didn't do anything wrong, all we did was love them with all we had, and that is what sent them over the edge, fear of abandonment, push/pull behavior, they want to be loved so bad that when they do get it, they go crazy with the thought of losing it, so that triggers their BPD in the worst way. Thinking back after every great time we had, whether it was a romantic dinner, a fun trip, very passionate sex, any significant quality time we shared, following that her behavior would turn volatile. We tried living together, in less than a month she was picking fights with me left and right. You have to realize that it is them not you. Trust me she will not change. And I felt guilty too, I kept asking myself what did I do wrong, and the answer is: NOTHING!. If anything we stayed when we should have gotten out at the first sign of trouble, but again we loved them. Research BPD behavior, research this site, you will learn a lot, and it will ease the pain you feel. Also look at her past history of relationships. Mine included a 9 month marriage, two years with one guy, two years with me, several relationships that lasted a few weeks to a few months, and her daughters father stuck around for 5 years, which even he told me he only stayed because of the kid. She is only 38, quite a lot for someone her age, especially when nothing lasted more than a few years. I am 39 and I have only been in 3: 9 with my ex-wife, 7 with another, and two with her, so there you can see the difference.

Just wow, some amazing points here and absolutely spot on here! Especially the general points seem convincing me and are something I can refer to. I guess I got an important answer now, why she left me: The more she would get and the more I was willing to give, the more she must have feared the sudden abandoment, which all BPDs fear. I remember sometimes, when we were incredibly close to eachother and near a loving relationship, she would get away or start some bull___ that offended and hurt me much. Makes so much sense now! I guess I asked myself, what I have done wrong, because they seem so innocent and good and have such a good mask, that you start to think, you must be the bad one. Especially when they convince you that nothing is their fault, because there are so good liars. So massive thanks! And your history is also helpful, evven if I feel really sorry for you! I hope you could get over it more or less, but as you told/taught me: They are the ill ones, who will never get true love, because they will destroy it obviously. 

[guilttripped9000]

“Can it be true that the next one will have better luck with her and she will act totally normal?”

Unlikely but possible. We are who we are and “replacement” is who they are. As is the ex.

ive been recycled for five years now very regularly. IMHO this person, the ex, is not going to change their patterns of behaviour toward me. I could be the ultimate doormat or the ultimate “alpha”, wont matter. There is nothing i can change about myself that will alter how they treat me. And trying to do so has caused damage. I have betrayed my own sense of self by attempting to compare myself to “replacement”, to be “what she wants”.

Is “replacement” better than me? Are they the one that “finally gets her”?. Are they going to sail off into the moonlight happy together forever? Maybe. But im not “replacement” or “ex”. I am me.

And i see my faults. And work on them. But simply being me isnt one of them, flawed as I am.

One of the greatest takeaways from this site has been to learn self reflection. You are doing this now, but dont judge yourself too harshly. Dont compare yourself to “him”, or focus on what might have been if “you had only just... .” You will never get an answer to that one. Just speculation and endless possibilties.

Welcome, friend

(just wanted to add, technically its been 30 years now of recylcing, but there is a huge gap in there so ill say 5 years continuous this time)

Also massive thanks for responding! I do not think that she will get any better and that seems to be one meaning of your post. She does not see any responsibility or flaws in her and she will never feel any guilt, what happened. It is hard to bear and really hard to believe, because after a while or even in the moment, it is so obvious, what they have done wrong and why it is their fault. But as I said above, they are so good at lying and guilttrippingg, that you start to believe them. If you have no good friends or close relatives, you have no chance to keep the focus on reality that you are mentally healthier than them. But that should not mean that you are totally helpless and that is, I think, the second intention of your post. I should not be bothered, if she seems happy or not. I should look after myself and my hppiness, because she will never be able to find it, not in her, neither in me.