Frustrated—I often long to go no contact with my sister again.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm dealing with some of the old familiar stuff from my sister lately. It's frustrating, and making me once again question whether it's wise for me to stay connected with her. I often long to go no contact again.

My sister has accomplished some pretty major feats as a person despite multiple mental health diagnoses and I applaud her for it. One of the things she managed to do was earn a BA. Her GPA suffered, but still, it was an accomplishment. But the BA and some other schooling she did as a single mother put her into upwards of 100k of student debt, which caused her a lot of stress and really contributed to her low self-worth and unrelenting poverty.

A few years ago she had her doctor fill out some forms saying that she was too disabled to ever be able to pay off the student debt. It was a formal process wherein her entire student debt was forgiven. The one stipulation was that she would never again be eligible for student loans.

Fast forward to the past week or so. She has been trying for months to come up with a bit of extra income so that her roommate can move out and she can afford to live alone again. However she hasn't had a lot of luck. Partly because she doesn't have enough spoons to really make a serious effort. Let's face it, she's on disability for a reason.

Lately she's been incredibly suicidal and telling me how she's been Googling suicide methods, etc. and I've been worried about her but trying to stay detached for the most part because I don't want to touch any of this with a 10 foot pole. From past experience, any time I try to talk with her about her issues I end up becoming an outlet for all her negative feelings.

The other day she called me up and said she's come up with the solution to all her concerns. She's going to get her more than $100k of debt reinstated so that she can take out another student loan and apply to go back to school for her MA. This will enable her roommate to move out in September.

I made the rookie mistake of responding by saying, "I wonder if it would be more economical to first try to exhaust all other possible means of funding before taking on such a huge debt. At the end of this you would be easily $130-150k in debt."

Her response was, get this: "I am suicidal and this plan is the only thing giving me hope. You need to support it if you really support me." (Yet she insists that she's perfectly ready to go back to school for a MA, and is going to tell the student debt people that her doctor and other people in her life talked her into filling out those forms against her will, which is untrue).

She then proceeded to pretty much tear my head off. When I told her I regretted saying anything at all, that she should do whatever she thinks is best from her, that really set her off.

Gah. I have no words.

[strength_love]

I'm dealing with some of the old familiar stuff from my sister lately. It's frustrating, and making me once again question whether it's wise for me to stay connected with her. I often long to go no contact again.

My sister has accomplished some pretty major feats as a person despite multiple mental health diagnoses and I applaud her for it. One of the things she managed to do was earn a BA. Her GPA suffered, but still, it was an accomplishment. But the BA and some other schooling she did as a single mother put her into upwards of 100k of student debt, which caused her a lot of stress and really contributed to her low self-worth and unrelenting poverty.

A few years ago she had her doctor fill out some forms saying that she was too disabled to ever be able to pay off the student debt. It was a formal process wherein her entire student debt was forgiven. The one stipulation was that she would never again be eligible for student loans.

Fast forward to the past week or so. She has been trying for months to come up with a bit of extra income so that her roommate can move out and she can afford to live alone again. However she hasn't had a lot of luck. Partly because she doesn't have enough spoons to really make a serious effort. Let's face it, she's on disability for a reason.

Lately she's been incredibly suicidal and telling me how she's been Googling suicide methods, etc. and I've been worried about her but trying to stay detached for the most part because I don't want to touch any of this with a 10 foot pole. From past experience, any time I try to talk with her about her issues I end up becoming an outlet for all her negative feelings.

The other day she called me up and said she's come up with the solution to all her concerns. She's going to get her more than $100k of debt reinstated so that she can take out another student loan and apply to go back to school for her MA. This will enable her roommate to move out in September.

I made the rookie mistake of responding by saying, "I wonder if it would be more economical to first try to exhaust all other possible means of funding before taking on such a huge debt. At the end of this you would be easily $130-150k in debt."

Her response was, get this: "I am suicidal and this plan is the only thing giving me hope. You need to support it if you really support me." (Yet she insists that she's perfectly ready to go back to school for a MA, and is going to tell the student debt people that her doctor and other people in her life talked her into filling out those forms against her will, which is untrue).

She then proceeded to pretty much tear my head off. When I told her I regretted saying anything at all, that she should do whatever she thinks is best from her, that really set her off.

Gah. I have no words.

[Turkish]

If I were on your shoes,  I'd feel like backing out of the room slowly... . 

Is it her life to make unwise decisions? The threats of suicide are concerning though.  How serious do you think that she is?

[YouHadMeAtHello]

Wow, so frustrating and so very, very familiar.  My sister has said incredibly similar things to me so many times. 

I think backing away is probably the only thing you can do.  If she's threatening suicide I would call the police in her area and ask them to do a well check on her.  That's how I plan to handle things if my sister tells me about cutting or suicide.  Ever since I told her fiancé that is what I would do I haven't heard a peep from my sister directly.  I only hear about her through my mom and other sister.  Actually, that part has been nice as I want to minimize how much BPD sister is in my life. 

When it comes to suicide threats I have two thoughts.  The first is that if they're serious I am not equipped to handle that and they need professional help, so calling the police is the right move.  If they're not serious and it's about attention, maybe having the police called would get them to realize that suicide threats are a completely inappropriate way to get attention and they'll find another way.  Either way, I think calling the police is the way to go.  Granted, I know that will be difficult and I haven't had to do it myself yet (though I am 100% certain that day is coming). 

Anyway, you're not alone! 

[strength_love]

I don't believe her suicidal tendencies are a real danger. I'm sure she feels suicidal at times, but I don't believe she would carry it out at this stage in her life. She has a son and two small grandchildren who she adores, there's no way she would ever leave them. Even if she really was sincerely suicidal, she has a roommate who she is very close with and her roommate is keeping an eye on her.

What I sense is that she's really just feeling helpless and lost and is toying with suicidal thoughts and feelings as a means of a] getting attention and communicating the depth of her pain and b] letting off steam.

The thing that really drives me crazy is that she's determined to get her debt reinstated. It seems like utter madness to me. It's a long-term price for a short-term problem. It makes absolutely no sense to me. How quickly she seems to have forgotten how much of a psychological and practical burden that debt was on her. Of course, I have no choice but to sit back and watch her do this to her life, but it boggles the mind.

[Turkish]

The two pwBPD (diagnosed) in my life are horrible with money.  My ex,  BPD lite, isn't good, but not to the point of disaster. I tried rescuing my mom,  setting an example.  Five years ago she even asked me for tips since she observed I was good with money.  Now she's lost everything 

The protocol for suicide ideation might help: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Skip past the board specific stuff.

[No-One]

She insists that she's perfectly ready to go back to school for a MA, and is going to tell the student debt people that her doctor and other people in her life talked her into filling out those forms against her will, which is untrue).

Strength_Love:
I can understand your concern and frustration.  You are looking at things from a sensible prospective.  Many mentally and physically healthy people never get the high paying job they hoped for, but are stuck with the huge debt.

Your sister might get herself in a situation where fraud charges will be brought against her.  If she tries to blame her doctor, he will defend to save his reputation. 

I understand that you definitely don't want to argue with her.  She is going to do, whatever she wants.  She might be surprised, if she ends up with legal issues.  I guess she could just reverse her story and then plead insanity. 

[strength_love]

The protocol for suicide ideation might help: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

I spent 10 years in a highly specialized suicide program (I had suicide attempts of my own when I was younger), so I'm really familiar with all of this.

My sister has used suicide as a manipulation of me for decades, because she knows it's something that will have a big impact on me and has typically been an easy way to reel me in to come to her rescue with whatever it was she needed to get by. I'm not biting anymore, I'm just not. If that makes me a horrible person I'm totally OK with that.

While I understand that one might rankle or cringe when seeing a person appear to downplay suicidal thoughts, feelings or statements, the reality is that I am absolutely done caretaking my sister, I am 100% done investing in her well-being or even in her survival on any level beyond very basic contact, and even that is constantly being reconsidered. If that means she eventually commits suicide, I am fully prepared to accept that. I am only one person with problems of my own, and I am very much at the extreme edge of my tolerance of/investment in her. I am utterly burnt out by the relentless drama and crisis and abuse.

[strength_love]

Your sister might get herself in a situation where fraud charges will be brought against her.  If she tries to blame her doctor, he will defend to save his reputation. 

I hadn't thought of this particular issue, but it's exactly these kinds of issues I worry about. Legal issues, financial issues, etc. that will make her already chaotic and difficult life even harder. She doesn't appear to have considered that going against her doctor's statements will have any consequences.