Negative reactions of my family about continuing my relationship

[Maya60]

Hi all!

I've been a way for a while but me and my partner are doing very well. We went through a 2 month breakup and now we are back again together since December. I felt like we were really done at first, but I missed him so much. So after many mails, and a good talk we decided to continue our relationship and live apart (we lived together before for a year). We talked very openly about the issues we faced (and acknowledged those) and at this moment we are both visiting a therapist he is not diagnosed, but I feel like he'll be in good hands to keep this progress going on! We even discuss small issues afterwards and both of us do not let these moments escalate anymore.
So, to be honest, I am so proud

But the problem:

I talked to this about my therapist as well, but I was wondering of more people faced this problem and how did you handle this?

I've always been very close to my parents, so also during the "bad times"  I talked to them about my partner and my suspicions of BPD. They helped me several times during a huge fight and I spend the night at their place. So, in short, they've seen how unhappy I have been.
I know now that I shouldn't have been so open and honest to them about every detail cos now they have a very negative view of him.
My partner can get along with my brother and his girlfriend, my best friend and others too. Only with my parents it was less spontaneously. They don't match that well...

Anyway, at this point, my parents still have no trust at all in my relationship. I can feel it.  When I told my mom we we're together again it was an awful conversation (one of the worst in my life) and my dad also said he and my mom are so worried.
So it's been almost 2 months and I can feel the tension when I talk about him. Whether it is just a regular conversation about how my weekend was, they ask questions like "who did you went to the concert with?" ... .although I always went to concerts with him.
When I told them about my holiday plans, my mom looked with a very negative face and only asked about his finances. And asked me irritated "is he gonna move back in with you again?".

I feel so sad about this. I always had a good relationship with my parents, but at this moment I feel like I have to act like my partner does not exist.
Therapist said I am still too dependent on them so that's something to work on.

Hope to read some stories of you guys 


 

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[lighthouse9]

Hey Maya,

First off - it's great to hear that you feel like things are in a good place with your partner and that there seems to be a real reconciliation path in place.

The parents issue is tough, because they are coming from a place of worry and concern, and I imagine they ultimately want to protect you. I'm in a similar place, though I've been able to communicate with my mom that if we were to reconcile, I would do so with eyes wide open and I've been able to articulate some of my boundaries to her. She's expressed to me her worry and concern, and how as a parent she hates not being able to protect me from things like this. In fact, with both of my sisters also going through some tough relationship stuff, she's expressed that she feels like she needs to retire and "tend to her flock" even though she loves her job and is really enjoying all the travel she does for work.

This conversation was SO enlightening for me, and I found myself using some of the communication tools I'm learning here in order to get to a place of validation and truth with her. I was able to say "I hear you and wow, that must feel awful to feel like you can't do what's exciting for you because you feel obligated to protect all of us." Then I was able to say, "you know as well as I do that any mistakes I make have to be mine and I have to learn from them. Similarly, any success I have has to be mine. I know I can come to you if I need you, if I'm still welcome to, but I need to let this one play out and work my process with it." She responded to it so positively - like I let her off the hook for any future hurt I might have. I was able to clarify that her role would always be my home and protector, when I asked for it and when she felt able to give it. But, right now, I didn't feel like I could run from my situation - and knew that I'd keep repeating this situation with my spouse or anyone else in the future if I didn't follow through and learn from it. Now, her and I have amazing conversations. She engages with the BPD literature I send her and is able to say "this is sad and you know I love (spouse's name) and wish only the best for her. I feel like I'm losing a daughter." We are both now in a similar place of grief and it's been really helpful.

My dad is a different story. He refuses (at least when talking to me) acknowledge mental illness and sees things very black and white. I've suspected him to be NPD in the past and I learned a lot of my codependency from him. So, I've lately drawn really strict boundaries with him in terms of talking about the situation and I regularly validate his concern, worry, and support whenever I can. However, I know that his ideal situation (me running home to him and him taking care of me) has more to do with feeding something in him than it has to do with truly supporting me. That's not his fault per se, but it's definitely a limitation of his that he hasn't addressed. My work then is to have good boundaries so I can have a great relationship with him.

Do you think you'd be able to talk with your parents and validate things for them? Or would that be too hard/not possible/etc? I'm lucky that my parents will engage with me - ever since I came out to them I've been dragging them through tough conversations and now they engage openly and willingly. Wasn't the case in the beginning, but we got there and our relationship is so much better for it. You might find something in talking to them that would really help right now, or at the least would help you figure out how to draw your boundaries while still maintaining important relationships in your life (with them, your partner, etc). I've found that lying to people or omitting information doesn't work for me - it is against my value structure and I can't stand becoming someone I'm not. That's tough to do with a BPD partner, but maintaining my sense of self and my values is a lifeline in all of this.

Good luck!

-L

[JoeBPD81]

First of all, congratulations!

It seems you are doing very well. If your parents knew EVERYTHING, they would be proud and happy for you.

I think you need to validate their feelings. If you were in their shoes, you would be worried too. So tell them that. Tell them you are in a/this comunity, where we insist on SAFETY FIRST. So you can tell them that you are not blindly going into the same, but you are taking your space and precautions.

You know they just love you and want to protect you, and you can thank them for that. But you love this person, and the way to protect you is to not add more conflict, more anxiety to your life. They need to have a little faith in you, and realize this person is sick, and needs some support and trust to get better.

You made a choice to stay in a relationship that needs a lot of work to succeed. It is going to make you a better and stronger person. I know it also brings trouble for the rest of the family, and that they hate to see you hurt. It is not fair for them. But you are going to do your best to stay out of harms way, and this is the life you are choosing.

I'm sorry you are in the middle of this, I know it's hard. But I hope they understand you in the end, and they keep on supporting you.

[juju2]

Hi,

that happened to me.  With my adult kids, my friends.

what i learned, is talk problems only to a trusted friend or a therapist.  don't burden my family and friends, they only see my side, and it doesnt help me, it becomes one more thing for me to manage.
It got so bad, my kids wouldnt see me unless I broke up w him.  That is none of their business.

it took me a long time to figure this out.  so, i finally told my kids, my private life is off limits.
they have a life, i dont get into their business.



some of this really takes a while to learn.  This board and this community has helped so much!

best, j

[JoeBPD81]

I hadn't read lighthouse9 post before, and I ended up repeating what was already said.

Good job lighthouse9 ! Thanks a lot.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Joe!

Validating to know we're on the same page!

[Maya60]

Thanks for all those replies so quick!

Joe and Lighthouse: I understand the part of trying to validate their feeling. The thing is I'm trying to find out whether they are worrying or is it like more disappointment? Or a combination? I can understand worries, I'm their oldest daughter and they want to see me happy.
They were so glad I finally ended my relationship, and unfortunately I was led by their opinion about ending it a lot. So this creates a very tense situation where understanding feels so far away at this moment  They see it as a stupid decision. And they are the kind of people who are usually very much triggered by negative thoughts and emotions (they love to over-analyze other people's issues).

I will think about opening this conversation though... I know I should try at least. But I am very afraid it might turn into all sorts of accusations to me. So I'll be constantly defending myself.

Juju: I already stopped telling people details, only my best friend and another friend who has the same kind of relationship issues. Also with family. Feels like everything I ever told is now being used against me... .
Especially the questions about his finances are none of my parents business. I feel like they try to find something negative in every positive story I tell them about us.