Being shut out, despite loving messages. How should I approach my daughter?

[BPDchesterMum]

Hi
My 27 year old daughter hasnt been formally diagnosed, but everything we as a family have seen points to BPD (including the assessment of a close family friend who is a psychiatric nurse).  My daughter visited for Xmas, and we had a lovely time (I think), however, since she's gone home she's been very evasive only answering 1 in 10 calls, ignoring texts etc.  I asked when it would be good to come over with some things for her, and got a torrent of abuse 2 weeks ago and since then she has ignored all my messages asking her to talk to me or let me know shes ok. She was loving at Xmas and New Year, but has totally flipped for no reason I can discern and I'm now the root of all thats gone wrong in her life.  Im sending her a message of love every few days, but dont want to overload her, nor do I want to leave it too long as she'll think I dont care (damned if I do, and damned if I dont).  Not sure what approach to take now.  I've told her I love her, miss her and am here for her.  Any help would be really appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hola, Mum!

Yeah... .so having a BPD kid sucks.

That's the bad news.  The good news is that we are hear in the giant pool of suck with you.  You are not alone.  We understand.  We were/are/will be there in our own lives, and there are a ton of people here that will advise and guide.  We don't judge, so speak freely, about your hopes, fears, guilt, andger, grief, etc. etc.  We all feel those.  A LOT.

For you post, it *seems* to my very untrained eye, that you are being "painted black", a common reaction from those with BPD.

Take a look in the resource section dealing with "triangulation". 



Welcome here.  I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you found us.  You are not alone.

[wendydarling]

Hi BPDchesterMum  

 

I join JustYouWait in welcoming you to the community, I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry what you're dealing with your daughter, parents here are dealing with similar behaviours you describe, you are not alone in this,  you've come to right place for support and learning, parents here understand what you are going through, we are all here like you looking for and finding solutions to our situations, learning from each other.

Is this recent behaviour shown since Xmas, do you think your daughter is aware of her struggles? It's very confusing and hurtful, and hard not to take it personally and be sucked in by disorder. Have you heard from your daughter yet? I think you've done the right thing, you've let her know you are there and yes at this point it feels you are damned if you do and don't. Some parents send a small token gift with a simple message to remind them they are in their thoughts.

Any kind of abuse is unacceptable including verbal and there are tools and lessons to your right   here to help you communicate that in a supportive way, so she hears your truth, you living your values. If we let it run, it will run us over. We can only control what is ours. What do you do when she is verbally abusive?

BPDchesterMom have you read any books, found them helpful? Here is a link to the board lessons if you've not come across it yet, it's pinned to the top of the board Lessons: what can a parent do

We are here to support you as you move forwards.

How are you feeling today?

WDx