How to learn to trust someone with BPD

[Chippy]

OK, so I have been in an on and off relationship with someone with BPD for a few years now. I have realized that between all the big lies, small lies, and other manipulations, that I just don't trust her any longer.  I want to, and try to convince myself that I can.  But I'm regularly reminded that she is not trustworthy (though she strongly disagrees with that)... .and that is tearing me apart.

I have been working with her on making our conversations "safer" for her to reduce her fears and re-enforce that I love and accept her... .but I don't know what else to do.

I worry that my distrust (which I believe is reasonable) has grown into irrational paranoia, and I'm to the point that I really don't know what's real.  I'm trying to figure out how to trust her again.  I can't keep confronting her on her dishonesty, but it also seems very unhealthy for both of us just to believe what she says... .So yeah, I'm pretty lost at this point.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Chippy,

I've been in an off/on relationship for years today... .not my choice, just constant breakups from his side. I can relate to your pain. It's interesting though... .I can't say I have trust issues. I just naturally kind of do it and don't worry so much about other people. I may be odd in this sense, but I've never really worried about such things in life. I am not saying I don't expect more breakups, but... .I don't know... .I guess my brain just stubbornly tries to "normalize" things... .

I know trust is an issue for a lot of members here though and I think it's great that you are taking a deeper look at this. What is it that you don't trust? Do you fear breakup threats? What are you doing to make things "safer" for her? How does this make you feel? What are you "paranoid" about?

wishing you happiness, pearl.

[Notwendy]

Chippy- I think a part of this is boundaries. With emotionally healthy boundaries we learn to trust people who are trustworthy and not trust people who are not. We can decide this. Being over trusting or over suspicious doesn't serve us well.

If someone has repeatedly broken their word, or lied- then why should we trust them?

BPD is a spectrum - some people are more trustworthy than others, some can be trusted in some situations and some can not- just like all people in the world could be trustworthy and some are not.

What are boundaries for? Well why do we lock the door of our houses? To protect what is inside ,to protect what matters to us. Now if we barricade the door to everyone, we may protect to the extreme- be lonely and isolated. Opening the door a bit does make us vulnerable to possibly being hurt, but that is the risk we take to be with other people. Keeping the door open all the time to untrustworthy people would leave an empty house, everything stolen and possibly harm.

With boundaries, we get to choose who to trust and how much.

[Chippy]

Hi Chippy,

I've been in an off/on relationship for years today... .not my choice, just constant breakups from his side. I can relate to your pain. It's interesting though... .I can't say I have trust issues. I just naturally kind of do it and don't worry so much about other people. I may be odd in this sense, but I've never really worried about such things in life. I am not saying I don't expect more breakups, but... .I don't know... .I guess my brain just stubbornly tries to "normalize" things... .

I know trust is an issue for a lot of members here though and I think it's great that you are taking a deeper look at this. What is it that you don't trust? Do you fear breakup threats? What are you doing to make things "safer" for her? How does this make you feel? What are you "paranoid" about?

wishing you happiness, pearl.

Thank you Pearl,

My trust isn't so much about here leaving again... .I guess I have kind of accepted that she may leave again, and I can't control what she does (though I do worry about her leaving, but hiding it from me).  My trust issues tend to be more of the smaller, every day type.  Things like her saying something, and then denying ever saying it, saying she is taking some alone time (which I think would be very healthy for her) when instead she is actually going out with someone, and general distortion of reality to make her appear a certain way to others, or to avoid facing something.

As for trying to make things "safer" for her: Inviting her to share the things she feels the need to "hide" Mostly I have been focusing on my reactions... .trying to stay calm, not take things personally. Being patient and not pushing her to say something (being a very analytical person, i tend to use a flow of logic to move through a conversation/resolve a conflict... .which makes her feel like I am pushing her into a corner... .which doesn't end well.  How does that make me feel? Often like I can't be "me" and like I am navigating a minefield of obstacles and "rules" just to talk to her.

And as far as me feeling paranoid:  I guess the best way to explain is with an example: She "has" to talk to me every night to fall asleep (which is problematic due to me having a set work schedule and her not, but that's a different story).  The other night she said she would let me sleep and wouldn't call late. That was great and seemed like real progress... .but that's where my paranoia kicked in... .I started thinking it wasn't her trying to be healthy or to help me, but rather that she was just with someone else. My struggle is that I feel that is a justified fear, as that has been the case several times in the past, but I don't know that its the case this time... .I want to trust her, and not assume negativity based on the past.

Again, thank you... .sorry if my posts are a bit rambling, I haven't really talked through this much with other people before

[Chippy]

Chippy- I think a part of this is boundaries. With emotionally healthy boundaries we learn to trust people who are trustworthy and not trust people who are not. We can decide this. Being over trusting or over suspicious doesn't serve us well.

If someone has repeatedly broken their word, or lied- then why should we trust them?

BPD is a spectrum - some people are more trustworthy than others, some can be trusted in some situations and some can not- just like all people in the world could be trustworthy and some are not.

What are boundaries for? Well why do we lock the door of our houses? To protect what is inside ,to protect what matters to us. Now if we barricade the door to everyone, we may protect to the extreme- be lonely and isolated. Opening the door a bit does make us vulnerable to possibly being hurt, but that is the risk we take to be with other people. Keeping the door open all the time to untrustworthy people would leave an empty house, everything stolen and possibly harm.

With boundaries, we get to choose who to trust and how much.

Thank you as well Notwendy, and yes, you are spot on with boundaries.  I have spent my life with the totally barricaded door approach, but with this person I opened the door wide (with unhealthy results... .and now I'm trying to figure out how wide to keep the door open (I wonder how far I can push this door analogy :-) )

Why trust someone who has repeatedly broken their word? That is my big question, and unfortunately my only answer is; because I want to, because a relationship needs trust and I want a relationship with her... .and writing that I see how unhealthy that sounds, but don't know what to do.

I'm not good with setting/maintaining boundaries, and she isn't good at respecting them, so it is a struggle.  And this is where it becomes dangerous to trust in her words... .I may set a boundary, and when it doesn't work for her she tends to attack me personally (which is hard, but I'm working on coping with that) or will say that the boundary is blocking her "needs" and will pretty much say anything to make me "wrong" for trying to hold the boundary... .and I eventually fold and let the boundary go. (Which yes, has trained her to know that if she pushes hard enough, she will get what she wants. I see this as probably one of my biggest failings in our relationship)

[pearlsw]

Hi Chippy,

No problem at all! I am more coherent some days than others myself.  Sometimes things are so complicated I don't even want to bother to try to explain things... .so feel free, be yourself, we'll get there!

Are you afraid you are not the only person she is involved with? Has this been part of the issues you deal with?  What does she say when/if you talk to her about trust?

take care, pearl.

[Chippy]

Hi Chippy,

No problem at all! I am more coherent some days than others myself.  Sometimes things are so complicated I don't even want to bother to try to explain things... .so feel free, be yourself, we'll get there!

Are you afraid you are not the only person she is involved with? Has this been part of the issues you deal with?  What does she say when/if you talk to her about trust?

take care, pearl.

haha, Yeah, sometimes words are hard :-)

Yes, I am definitely worried that I'm the only person she is involved with, because yes, this has been an issue several times in the past.  She has pursued others but kept me in the dark about it. My guess is that it is to keep me as a safety net. I have resisted being "officially" with her many times because it was clear she wasn't over someone (despite her insisting otherwise)

When I talk to her about trust, her general response is that I have no reason to not trust her. If i give examples of smaller lies, she says I misunderstood, and if I bring up big, blatant lies, she says they never happened.  

Thanks again,
Chippy

[Perdita]

Chippie 

I can so relate to this. Have the same issue with my bf. He lies about big things, little things, medium things. You name it and there's usually a lie behind it. He also denies everything when I catch him out and confront him. Worse still is that he twists everything around and in great theatrical style cloaks himself in the role of the victim.  Then he demands an apology!  Earlier tonight he was shouting at me again when I calmly asked him about something he lied about.
Same thing a week ago. How are we suppose to have mature conversations with them?

Usually I just shut my mouth, especially about the smaller lies. Experience has taught me not to point out most of his lies.

Trust is huge to me too. Unfortunately, I have been brave so many times and allowed myself to trust him.  I believe he has pretty much disappointed me every time. :-(  The result is that I hate myself for trusting again and grow increasingly paranoid. So here I am in a situation that often robs me of several hours a day as I am now constantly checking up on his whereabouts etc. (without his knowledge).  It horrible.

You ask how to trust?  How can anyone trust a compulsive liar?   I am sorry, I don't have a solution.  I can only tell you that I know your struggle and you're not alone. I too long to be able to trust my partner.

[Chippy]

Chippie 

I can so relate to this. Have the same issue with my bf. He lies about big things, little things, medium things. You name it and there's usually a lie behind it. He also denies everything when I catch him out and confront him. Worse still is that he twists everything around and in great theatrical style cloaks himself in the role of the victim.  Then he demands an apology!  Earlier tonight he was shouting at me again when I calmly asked him about something he lied about.
Same thing a week ago. How are we suppose to have mature conversations with them?

Usually I just shut my mouth, especially about the smaller lies. Experience has taught me not to point out most of his lies.

Trust is huge to me too. Unfortunately, I have been brave so many times and allowed myself to trust him.  I believe he has pretty much disappointed me every time. :-(  The result is that I hate myself for trusting again and grow increasingly paranoid. So here I am in a situation that often robs me of several hours a day as I am now constantly checking up on his whereabouts etc. (without his knowledge).  It horrible.

You ask how to trust?  How can anyone trust a compulsive liar?   I am sorry, I don't have a solution.  I can only tell you that I know your struggle and you're not alone. I too long to be able to trust my partner.

Thank you Perdita, it is good even to just hear that others struggle with this as well. It's just so easy to get lost and I start to think I'm crazy.

[Chippy]

So I wanted to write an update to this trust issue, as it escalated the last several days to near crisis levels, and led to a breakdown... .and possibly a breakthrough (fingers crossed)

Basically my pwBPD and I have both said that we want to be with each other, and have been discussing a rough plan to move in that direction.  Then the last few days her behavior and interactions with me shifted... .she began canceling plans with me and becoming agitated when I asked questions, she has been vague and evasive, and generally angry whenever she interacted with me.
So I realized that she was getting involved with another guy and keeping it from me. (There is precedence for this, her pursuing another guy and lying to me about it, to keep me there until she sees if things will work with that other guy).  I tried to tell myself that I was being paranoid and living out of fear from the past... .and she also kept telling me I was doing that.

Finally last night I couldn't take it anymore. I wrote out what I was going to tell her (basically that I will work with her through the struggles, but could not cope with this level of dishonesty). I confronted her, and she said I was wrong, that she has been completely honest. This devolved into a less productive argument (that we've had many times) about how I don't feel she is trustworthy, and give examples of why, and she says she is completely trustworthy, and I am wrong about all of it.

So I had a contradiction in my head: me being completely sure she wasn't being honest... .and her insisting that she was... .and that I was being paranoid to the point of delusion. So some significant "gas-lighting"... .to the point that I was truly starting to think I was losing my mind. I was to the point of a mental breakdown... .apparently she saw this and it actually got through to her... .and she admitted that yes, she wasn't being honest, because she was afraid of losing me.  I made it very clear that the fastest way to lose me was to be dishonest. 

We didn't actually talk about what has really been going on (we were both pretty much drained at this point). We will today... .and I'll see if she will hold to what she admitted last night, or if it will be back to square one.  Obviously it can't take me reaching a breakdown point for her to be honest.  But my hope is that maybe she will actually see that being honest is the only chance we have... .and maybe I'm deluding myself, but we will see.

Sorry for the wall of text... .it has been rough and I think I needed to share :-)

[ScaredEmotional]

Hey Chippy!

I'd like to start by saying that I hope the breakthrough you two had is a permanent breakthrough and things only get better from here on out. It's obvious that you really love this person.

I too have trust issues with my partner who has BPD. Much like yourself, my trust issues have evolved into paranoia which has led me to become this stalker, if you will, constantly calling him and to see what he's up to and stressing if he isn't home when he says he is and so on. I know this in unhealthy and I want to stop! I know in order for our reltationship to work I need to put this aside but as you would know, it's harder than it sounds.

I've confronted him about what I thought he was being dishonest about and that didn't help our relationship. He's now more secretive and more disconnected. I know and have admitted my wrongdoing in this situation but he hasn't and I think that gets to me as well. He hasn't acknowledged my feelings and I feel like I'm being punished for having these feelings and fears.

I want to move on from this but I don't know how. Any advice would be great.

PS it feels really good to share everything with people. Thank you.

[seenbetterdays]

Chippy,

I totally can sympathize and relate to your story. I have been involved with my now ex a couple times (4 to date) where it is always lies, denials, excuses, etc and to everyone else, I am the crazy one due to her being so high functioning and manipulative. My own family doesn't believe me about her when I tell her things that she has done and plays into her "victim" role in the whole ordeal which has led to us not even being able to talk to each other. It wasn't until recently that I found BP and things started clicking in my head. I would suggest therapy (if an option), involving friends and family as a support network for both of y'all, and trying to live it one day at a time. Currently, mine is "raging" at me by way of silent treatment and avoidance, so at least you have a chance to attempt to reconcile with yours (silver lining?). I would also suggest attempting to encourage "healthy life choices" for both of you.

B

[Chippy]

Hey Chippy!

I'd like to start by saying that I hope the breakthrough you two had is a permanent breakthrough and things only get better from here on out. It's obvious that you really love this person.

I too have trust issues with my partner who has BPD. Much like yourself, my trust issues have evolved into paranoia which has led me to become this stalker, if you will, constantly calling him and to see what he's up to and stressing if he isn't home when he says he is and so on. I know this in unhealthy and I want to stop! I know in order for our reltationship to work I need to put this aside but as you would know, it's harder than it sounds.

I've confronted him about what I thought he was being dishonest about and that didn't help our relationship. He's now more secretive and more disconnected. I know and have admitted my wrongdoing in this situation but he hasn't and I think that gets to me as well. He hasn't acknowledged my feelings and I feel like I'm being punished for having these feelings and fears.

I want to move on from this but I don't know how. Any advice would be great.

PS it feels really good to share everything with people. Thank you.

Hey Scared,
Yeah, it can become a destructive cycle... .they are dishonest, you trust less, they keep more from you, you become paranoid... .and soon you're both miserable and walled off from each other.  I've had the brilliant idea in the past of "Hey, the thing she is lying about now was actually from a text conversation we had... .so I can just show her and we can move on"... .yeah, that didn't go well. One of those things that make sense to me, but can make someone with BPD feel cornered and lash out.

I think the healthy thing is very strict boundaries, though i'm still working on getting that figured out.

And yes, it does feel very good to be able to share, and see others with similar struggles.

[Chippy]

Chippy,

I totally can sympathize and relate to your story. I have been involved with my now ex a couple times (4 to date) where it is always lies, denials, excuses, etc and to everyone else, I am the crazy one due to her being so high functioning and manipulative. My own family doesn't believe me about her when I tell her things that she has done and plays into her "victim" role in the whole ordeal which has led to us not even being able to talk to each other. It wasn't until recently that I found BP and things started clicking in my head. I would suggest therapy (if an option), involving friends and family as a support network for both of y'all, and trying to live it one day at a time. Currently, mine is "raging" at me by way of silent treatment and avoidance, so at least you have a chance to attempt to reconcile with yours (silver lining?). I would also suggest attempting to encourage "healthy life choices" for both of you.

B

Seenbetterdays,

It's funny (not really), It seems like we could be dealing with the same person :-)
Yes, therapy and support for both parties seem critical. We are both in our individual therapies and she has started with a DBT group, and we are working on finding couples counseling.  However, the rest of the support system (friends, family) is something I am strongly lacking. With the few people I'm comfortable talking to, I tend to "sugar-coat" her behaviors and pretend it's not that bad... .not healthy, I know, I'm working on it.

[seenbetterdays]

Chippy,

I would strongly advise against "sugar-coating" things. I am more of an internal processor as well, but as we both know the slander campaign can be rough right after the breakup and that is how I lost my family after the first break up with my pwBP. Obviously, don't let people in on it that aren't good friends, but building a relationship with someone, romantic or plutonic, requires being real with them. Some you will find accept it and others may not, but that is how you find out who your friends are (there is a country song about that actually, ).

[SlyQQ]

Trust is all to do with expectations if you modify them sufficiently the need for trust disappears

[Zinnia21]

Rebuilding the trust with a BPD partner after breakups is hard work. I didn’t know if I was up for it again. But if I ask him calmly about something I feel ‘paranoid’ about, he has been able to reassure me. Something in the way he is speaking and looking me in the eyes, I can tell he’s telling the truth. And vice versa, I’m not being defensive, I’m simply reassuring him back to reality when he needs it.
Do you calmly discuss your fears with her? And does she discuss hers with you? Does that help? Do you get a sense of if it’s the same as before if you talk with her about it? Or has something shifted? Become more positive?
I must confess though, it’s taken some years to get these conversations to be ‘calm’!

I’ve been taking baby steps back towards the relationship this time. In the past I was all for it and willing to do anything. This time I’ve left a lot of space for him to fill, for him to slowly show me I can trust him, after all this time of ups and downs, I need to see the truth and see things are ok, before I will re enter my whole self to things.

When that knot in your stomach naturally starts to unravel, I think you know you’ve made some progress. You can’t force it to feel ok. The trust needs to be demonstrated over time, and both parties rebuild it. You will know when your gut relaxes a bit perhaps... until then just take things at what pace you need and don’t beat yourself up for protecting yourself and for needing to see you can really trust the situation.

[Chippy]

Chippy,

I would strongly advise against "sugar-coating" things. I am more of an internal processor as well, but as we both know the slander campaign can be rough right after the breakup and that is how I lost my family after the first break up with my pwBP. Obviously, don't let people in on it that aren't good friends, but building a relationship with someone, romantic or plutonic, requires being real with them. Some you will find accept it and others may not, but that is how you find out who your friends are (there is a country song about that actually, ).

I fully agree seenbetterdays, sugar-coating doesn't really help anyone... .I understand that... .but still struggle to do it. I think its a mix of wanting other people (friends, family) to like the person I care about, and probably a certain amount of shame as well, to be honest.  a "if they knew what I put up with, they would think that I was weak" kind of thing... .like I said, it's a struggle

[Chippy]

Rebuilding the trust with a BPD partner after breakups is hard work. I didn’t know if I was up for it again. But if I ask him calmly about something I feel ‘paranoid’ about, he has been able to reassure me. Something in the way he is speaking and looking me in the eyes, I can tell he’s telling the truth. And vice versa, I’m not being defensive, I’m simply reassuring him back to reality when he needs it.
Do you calmly discuss your fears with her? And does she discuss hers with you? Does that help? Do you get a sense of if it’s the same as before if you talk with her about it? Or has something shifted? Become more positive?
I must confess though, it’s taken some years to get these conversations to be ‘calm’!

I’ve been taking baby steps back towards the relationship this time. In the past I was all for it and willing to do anything. This time I’ve left a lot of space for him to fill, for him to slowly show me I can trust him, after all this time of ups and downs, I need to see the truth and see things are ok, before I will re enter my whole self to things.

When that knot in your stomach naturally starts to unravel, I think you know you’ve made some progress. You can’t force it to feel ok. The trust needs to be demonstrated over time, and both parties rebuild it. You will know when your gut relaxes a bit perhaps... until then just take things at what pace you need and don’t beat yourself up for protecting yourself and for needing to see you can really trust the situation.

Thanks Zinnia,

I've been trying that "baby-steps" approach as well.  It does tend to be difficult with her "all or nothing" mindset sometimes.  But just trying to let her back into my life a little bit at a time.

Yes, I have discussed my fears with her, sometimes I worry that I do that to much :-)  It seems like sometimes she hears, sometimes she doesn't.  She shares her's as well, though sometimes I struggle to grasp them, I sometimes have a hard time wrapping my logical brain around her emotional fears... .but we're both working on it.

[gotbushels]

Hi Chippy  

I want to support your efforts here by sharing some thoughts.

I have realized that between all the big lies, small lies, and other manipulations, that I just don't trust her any longer.

When people lie to us and we catch them on it, it makes sense that we trust them less.

I want to, and try to convince myself that I can.

Straightforwardly--why? It seems your emotions are telling you based on what you know that trust isn't something that makes sense with this particular person. So it seems to me that you want to tell yourself something that you emotions feel isn't true--therefore you want to "convince" yourself.

But I'm regularly reminded that she is not trustworthy (though she strongly disagrees with that)

I received both of these from my ex.

... .and that is tearing me apart.

To have a strong sense of internal conflict about what you're just described you want--I can see how that can happen. If my emotions told me something strongly, and I wanted to logic something up to counteract those signals, then of course I'd be conflicted about what to do.

I hope things work out peacefully for you here.  

[Chippy]

Thanks gotbushels,

Yeah, that's pretty much the situation... .I want a relationship with her---I feel that to have a relationship with her I need to trust her---I try to convince myself I can trust her, despite knowing otherwise.

I can see that, and the damage I'm doing by trying to hold on to the contradiction of "I can trust her/I can't trust her" ... .I just don't really know what to do with it.  I understand that most of her dishonesty is based out of fear that I will leave if she tells me everything honestly, so I am trying to help her understand that we can work through a lot of things, but dishonesty is one of the few things that will drive me away totally.  I'm seeking out counseling for us together and hoping that will help some.

[gotbushels]

I'm glad to see that you're piecing this part of your relationship together Chippy. 

I want a relationship with her---I feel that to have a relationship with her I need to trust her---

Well, you're being honest with yourself. You see the relationship and the parts that you want to develop to make it work--that's made of this want you have, a want of trust.

I try to convince myself I can trust her, despite knowing otherwise.

I do agree with you here. It's a bit of wishful thinking if you are setting out to convince yourself of something that you don't actually believe it.

The counterpoint to this is that suppose you succeed in doing this. She may damage the trust, she may not. If she does, then the issue with it is that you'll set yourself up to blame yourself for doing something that doesn't make sense. Over time, the idea is to build self-confidence in an appropriate way--to be the stronger person, to be the caretaker. If it doesn't work, then you've put one point against trusting your own feelings.

The other issue is that you could be setting her up to fail. I think it's fairly common that pwBPD struggle massively with trust issues--why put expectations on her that will disappoint you? Is there a more effective way of working this out?

Anyway, all quite complex. So;

I just don't really know what to do with it. 

I do think this is something you can take to a T or P to discuss. One way you can look at this yourself is to look at some radical acceptance. Here, that could mean that you separate your feeling that you're unable to trust her at this point in time (call this feeling point A), and separate your want/need to trust your partner (call this desire point B). Brainstorm if there's alternatives to point B. You can also bring the lighthouse analogy in, this is X quality that you want to change in her, but your role is to perform according to your values and beliefs, with some encouragement--it's out of your power to change her. Self compassion can also come in by giving adequate time to the feeling that you don't trust her right now, and have logical reasons not to.

I understand that most of her dishonesty is based out of fear that I will leave if she tells me everything honestly, so I am trying to help her understand that we can work through a lot of things, but dishonesty is one of the few things that will drive me away totally. 

I get you.

I'm seeking out counseling for us together and hoping that will help some.

A good idea. I do hope you'll adjunct this relationship with your own discussions with a T of some kind. I do recommend you go to T or P who has some basic qualifications around borderlines etc., if you can. It will save you time and $$$ if the T or P has the qualifications to begin with.

I do agree with Zinnia21 on this one.

Rebuilding the trust with a BPD partner after breakups is hard work.

I do think that relationships that last longer have had some work put in to build a foundation of trust.

I hope you find peace. 

[Chippy]

Thanks again bushels, you seem to have some very helpful insights.

The other issue is that you could be setting her up to fail. I think it's fairly common that pwBPD struggle massively with trust issues--why put expectations on her that will disappoint you? Is there a more effective way of working this out?

This is interesting, let's say she "can't" be fully honest (I'm not sure about that, but we'll go with it for now) and I clearly "expect" her to be honest... .then she struggles and is dishonest about something, then my expectations cause her to see that as a failure (and all the fear around that) so she either "digs deeper" and spirals down into further dishonesty to hide it, or just lashes out and invalidates me... .On the other hand, if she feels like her honesty is just a mistake that we can work through, then she is more likely to face it, and we might actually be able to resolve things, rather then arguing about what is true or not?  I will certainly look into this.

I'm not familiar with "radical acceptance" but will look into it.

A good idea. I do hope you'll adjunct this relationship with your own discussions with a T of some kind. I do recommend you go to T or P who has some basic qualifications around borderlines etc., if you can. It will save you time and $$$ if the T or P has the qualifications to begin with.

Yes, I am certainly working through this with my own therapist as well, and I think I may have gotten very lucky there... .she is very experienced with working with pwBPD both in a hospital setting and as a DBT facilitator. Just started seeing her, but I'm very optimistic :-)  (one of the reasons I left my old therapist was because they had very outdated and pessimistic view about pwBPD)

Thank you again,
Chippy

[gotbushels]

No worries--we're all here to help each other out.    

spirals down into further dishonesty to hide it, or just lashes out and invalidates me

Recall to validate your own opinions.

if she feels like her honesty is just a mistake that we can work through

This trust thing with the SO is quite difficult, I think. For additional support, I think it'll help to know that heaps of nons have struggled heaps around this particular honesty/trust/faithfulness thing.  A tip here would be to keep your feelings (and thoughts) separate from hers. At the time when I found my SO had big differences in opinions and behaviours around this, it was really for me to feel angry.

I'm not familiar with "radical acceptance" but will look into it.

The video on the thread is only 2:19 minutes. I'll share that it helped me heaps, mainly in getting the higher level of power to actually help rather than hurt a given discussion--I think that's really helpful for nons who are often exhausted and floundering at the end of the day; every little bit of juice helps.

she is very experienced with working with pwBPD both in a hospital setting and as a DBT facilitator. Just started seeing her, but I'm very optimistic :-)

Impressive optimism.    She sounds like she could bring a lot of extra value because of her record.