Hi, I'm new here but I've been on another related site for four years. I've read several of the recommended books. I do see improvements in application of how I respond and building up my own self-esteem and support system. I still am not able to figure out Boundaries that don't involve leaving.
The more severe aspects of my relationship are more than I can tolerate forever, (although it has been more than 14 years so far): lying, addictions, rages, random physical violence, throwing things, taking my things, he spent his mom's inheritance and used up her credit cards then didn't pay them back, our funds disappear without explanation and when I ask about it he ignores me or rages to get me to drop it.
I want to layout boundaries, but it seems like leaving short-term (for example during a rage) just resets him so he can forget that he did any of it. We sleep separately for the past year as a boundary, but although he complains once in a while, it's not enough to induce changes. It just eases both of our stress level to not deal with anything serious.
He was supposed to make an appointment for therapy that is all set up for him but he won't do it. Aggravating. We have many good days, but in the background I always know that he's still doing what he wants. I find out the hard way when I've relaxed too long in monitoring his activities. As he learns that I'm monitoring him, he changes my access. Some things I still find out, like that he's not repaying his traffic ticket or his taxes, or paying a bill on time that has my name on it. Asking him to change or offering alternatives lights up much of his bad behavior.
I've just finished the books, The Essential Family Guide to BPD and Stop Caretaking. Although I learned a great deal, now I actually have MORE empathy for his inner turmoil so I really feel stuck on how to communicate and proceed. I am looking forward to reading the stories of others here so I can learn more.
Maybe I will better see the way through the maze.
