Mom has gotten suddenly much worse

[turquoisbee]

I think my mom has transitioned from being what Stop Walking on Eggshells describes as a high-functioning BP to a low-functioning one. When I was growing up I lived in the wake of her endless rage. At some point in my twenties she flipped from treating me as the primary target of her anger to a combination of cloying dependence and self-destruction. We've never dealt with what I consider to have been an emotionally abusive childhood, and instead I've become increasingly involved in her day-to-day life over the last ten years.

Her life has been a long series of crises, but I thought in the overall direction over the last few years was toward greater stability, and I even hoped she'd eventually more or less enjoy her life (and I'd be able to more fully enjoy mine, too!). She moved into the apartment downstairs from mine (fleeing a disaster in her last apartment), and I wasn't sure whether it would be a solution to all her problems or just a drag on my life. I hadn't expected that it would trigger a deterioration in her mental health. Over the last few months, she's been on a terrifying and confusing path, in and out of the hospital, in and out of coherence. Each day I have a new theory about whether the primary problem is physical health problems, substance abuse, delusions, dissociations, or depression.

At the same time, I'm trying to quickly educate myself and learn to cope but feel overwhelmed by a whole lifetime of feelings I've repressed or pretended. I'm also a parent now myself and so scared of inheriting my mom's illness and turning the same kinds of harmful behavior on my own partner and kid. I feel scatterbrained, alternately numb and super moody, and both claustrophobic in and obsessed with this crash course in mental illness.

I feel like I've gotten a lot of conflicting advice about whether to try to help her get help or not. I think I need to prioritize learning how to set some limits so that I have the space to work on my own mental health but I have no idea how to do that without getting her to cooperate enough to enlist some sort of social work or mental health services.

Send help. Or chocolate. Or a cute, matching pair of straight jackets.

[Turkish]

I like your sense of humor  I think it's a healthy coping mechanism.

How old is she? Adult Protective Services may be an option to talk to.  They've helped me. 

T

[SlyQQ]

BPD has a spectrum , and due to circumstances , they frequently move along it.

[Panda39]

I think I need to prioritize learning how to set some limits so that I have the space to work on my own mental health... .

Hi tuquoisbee,

Yes! You've hit on boundaries a huge tool when dealing with a person with BPD (pwBPD). What are you struggling with most at the moment maybe we can help develop a boundary that can help.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Send help. Or chocolate. Or a cute, matching pair of straight jackets.

Chocolate!  definitely Chocolate!... .Says the Panda with Valentine's Candy smeared across her face 

Also, before I go I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, you might want to check out the items in the "Lessons" section when you get time.

Take Care,
Panda39

[phantomglitter]

You and I are in the same boat! I recently started seeing a coach who specializes in setting boundaries to help me deal with my mom's behaviour. I moved six hours away to be with my (very supportive and loving and stable) partner, and it has done wonders for my mental health.

One of the lessons I've learned through this mess is that you don't owe her anything. You can care about her, love her, help her, but you don't HAVE to. And the sad reality is that you can't save her, she has to save herself. For years I thought that if I was kind enough, smart enough, patient enough, good enough she'd see that her behaviour was destructive and that her way of seeing things was skewed and she'd get help. Not the case. I'm turning that around, starting to say no. Starting to do things that I WANT to do, rather than things I think I SHOULD do to be a good daughter, a good person. I didn't go to her birthday party this year because I knew that I couldn't handle it and it would just make me feel worse and burn me out. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm still resisting the automatic thoughts that tell me I'm selfish and cruel. But I'm glad I made that decision, I feel better and can actually live my life. I love her, and I'm sad that I wasn't there for her on her special day (though I did send a message and a gift), but going was not going to make her happy (there was some other drama at xmas contributing to this), and it definitely was not going to make me happy.

For a long time I was even choosing my clothes and perfume and style based on what she would think. I would wear things I hated because I was afraid that if she saw me not wearing something she got me she'd be upset. She was running my life and she wasn't even there. I'm only now realizing that I have choices! I can choose where I want to be, with who, for how long, and what I do or say. That realization was so empowering.

So take care of yourself first, your needs and wants matter just as much as anyone else's. You deserve to be the star of your own life.

[turquoisbee]

Thanks so much for these responses! Being new here I worried I might be speaking into a void, but it's really wonderful to feel heard and not alone.

I am at a loss as to how to think about setting boundaries. My mom is in very poor physical health and does not follow her doctors' recommendations. This is one of the main things we struggle over. She's currently asking me for a lot of daily help with meals, meds, and caring for her dog. She's not moving around much, taking all the meds she's supposed to, or keeping any doctor appointments. She's also not bathing, brushing teeth, washing hands, or leaving her apartment at all. She's just started to eat again after weeks of subsisting on a few bites a day.

I tried taking charge of her medical routines and trying to insist she take all her prescribed meds, see her doctors, etc. This seemed to make things much worse. She ended up getting herself back into the hospital and told me there that she was frightened/angry of me taking control. When she got back home, I backed WAY off, only doing things she specifically asked for. Now she's implying I don't care about her and am letting her suffer/possibly die. None of her illnesses are imminently life-threatening, but she could make herself much sicker or potentially make her illnesses life-threatening if she doesn't manage them well. I don't want to go back to struggling with her all day about which pills she'll take and it's hard to be around her in her current condition. over the last few months, she's been suffering some additional, non-chronic illnesses on top of longstanding chronic ones. We've both said we just keep waiting for her to feel like herself again—to get back to the "normal" that was still very unhealthy but sort of tolerable.

My own black and white thinking is leading me to want to find some way to send her packing to a nursing home now that my initial effort to rescue her has clearly failed. I can't really figure out what's in between. I don't mind cooking or walking her dog, but I ask every day to help her bathe, change her clothes, etc, and her refusals are getting angrier and more black-maily.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome turquoisebee,

I'm so glad that you no longer feel alone!  We are an online family that support one another in our journey of having a pwBPD in our lives. You'll find many listening ears and caring hearts here.

Are there any home services or care available for you to reach out to you for your mom to help support her and you? It is a heavy load to carry if an adult child becomes a caregiver, but it is even more challenging when mental illness comes in as well.

It's difficult to separate ourselves from the entanglements that have naturally become a part of our lives due to our childhoods. Here is an article that might be helpful to you in communicating with your mom:

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

 
Wools

[turquoisbee]

Starting to do things that I WANT to do, rather than things I think I SHOULD do to be a good daughter, a good person.

That really rings true to me! Thank you for pointing that out, phantwowlitter. I feel like I hide from my life in general behind obligations to get out of having to figure out and go after what I actually want. Never connected that to growing up with a BPD mom, but I bet that has a lot to do with it.

Thanks for the encouragement and the link, wools! I am pursuing some help like in-home nursing care. And the point about validating is really helpful.

I'm not sure where to start in setting boundaries. Mostly what I want to change is the way she treats herself. I want her to bathe! I am nervous because she has inexplicably decided she can't walk again, which she also did in her last downward slump and I take it as a sign of depression. I would like her to stop being so critical and accusing toward me, too, but that's not actually the top of my list. Is there a way I can bargain with her about taking better care of herself without just triggering her defenses?

She's a loonnnnggggg way off from being in a position to want to treat her mental illness for herself. I suspect that I can't expect her to (let alone compel her to) change her behavior or pull herself out of a depression.

[Panda39]

Hi turpquosbee,

Some things to think about... .

Can we make someone else do something they don't want to do?

Who are we responsible for?

What do we deserve?

What would happen if you stopped care taking and expected your mother to act like the adult she is?

What if she needs more care than you are qualified to provide?

What if you didn't tolerate her criticism and told her you would leave if she didn't stop?  What if she doesn't stop and you leave?


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Turquoisbee,

Have you ever looked at some of the online suggestions for how to deal with the elderly and hygiene and other related issues? I'm thinking specifically of some of the ways care givers work with Alzheimer's and dementia patients. I think you might find some tips that will work, even if she doesn't have dementia. If you have a local Alzheimer's chapter near you, they are always willing to talk and offer tips if you call them or stop by.

 
Wools