12-year-old granddaughter threatening suicide — I feel guilty and exhausted

[exhausted gm]

Hello. I am the guardian of my 12 year old granddaughter. She has always been a difficult child but recently things have really gotten out of hand. I sit here in the waiting room at the ER waiting for her to be accepted into a CSU because she had a major meltdown yesterday and told the police she wanted to kill herself. This is the second time in 6 weeks! I am absolutely mentally and physically exhausted! I feel gulity but the way she talked to me and trashed my house and threw things at me, spit in my face yesterday I haven’t seen her since she got here and I don’t want to. This breaks my heart. We have had custody of her for 9 years and I am just lost as to what to do. When she went to CSU 6 weeks ago they diagnosed her with BPD and I realize this is the usual course but I am not sure how much more I can take of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Dear Exhausted,

Yeah.  I hurt for you.

As is said around here, "I'm sorry you had to find us, but I'm glad you found us."

The behaviors exhibited by our kids/grandkids with BPD are sometimes devastating.  Their razor sharp words cut through any defenses we have, and strike at the very core of us.  It hurts the most because we love them the most, often even more than ourselves.

As for the guilt you feel?  Please let it go.  It is completely rational and normal to feel a sense of relief when our BPD'ers are away (in a hospital, in-patient hospitalization, residential treatment, etc.) because we, for that brief time, don't have to be "on call" to them or for them.

I understand your feelings, because I've felt them.  I would venture a guess that every single parent/grandparent/guardian of a BPD'er here has felt the same at one time or another.  It is natural and it is ok.

You are not a bad person for feeling it.  The guilt is also deeply ingrained, because we are taught and we think that "there is no limit to what I would do for my BPD'er!", but the ugly truth is that there is a limit to what we can do.  There is a limit to what we are willing to do.  There is a limit to what we will do.  Limits are not bad, they are not evil, and they do not make you a bad person.  they make you normal.

As for the guilt you say you have about not wanting to see her?  Totally normal as well (imho).  That is your mind telling you "let's not enter into a situation where we're going to get hurt again."

Natural.  Self-preserving.

So, take the time you need.  Try to relax a little knowing your grand daughter is cared for.  Then communicate as YOU want (phone, text, email, visit) as YOU feel comfortable.

Until then, I hope this helped.

Come on by often.  We're here.  And we're listening.

-jyw

[phantomglitter]

Welcome,

I agree with @JustYouWait, you have been pushed to your limits, physically mentally and emotionally, and it is completely okay to feel relief when she isn't around, particularly with the destructive behaviour you've endured. You don't deserve this. What you're doing is hard. I've recently been able to admit to myself that I feel a lot better when my BPD mother isn't around. There's that inner struggle between how you feel, and how you think you SHOULD feel. Let go of those SHOULDs, they don't serve you. Let your feelings guide you to what is safe, manageable and comfortable for YOU. Allow yourself to feel good, to nourish yourself, because trying to fill her bottomless cup with your empty one won't get either of you anywhere.

Remember that she is acting out of fear or anger. She is a tiny, fragile human who is reacting out of control to try to protect herself from perceived danger. What is happening to her is not your fault, but you also can't save her. Set some limits that you are comfortable with so that you can stay safe while caring for her.

The hardest lesson I had to learn was that if you don't take care of yourself, you will end up destroying yourself for a ghost of a smile. It's not selfish, it's necessary. You matter, we're here for you.

[exhausted gm]

Thank you all so your kind words and encouragement! I saw my therapist today and we came up with a plan. I did go to the hospital straight from her office. We figured out about when I would get there which was 5:15. I told my granddaughter I came to visit to let her know how much I love her and support her. She immediately asked where her food she wanted me to bring was and why I didn’t come earlier like she wanted. Well the therapist and I had my response planned. My response was “Honey I love you with all my heart. Your behavior is unacceptable. As such I am not rewarding your bad behavior by bringing you tasty food and watching movies and playing games. It is your job to focus on stabilization and getting better. As part of that you need to work on better behavior towards me and others you have been unkind to.” She was not happy with me but she didn’t blow up. I stayed with her for awhile(45 minutes was the plan) but at about 35 minutes she began being hateful and trying to push my buttons about different things so I gave her a kiss, told her I love her and will check on her tomorrow and went home. You have no idea how proud I am of myself! I am glad but sad too I had to find this group!

[phantomglitter]

Congrats! That is huge, so happy for you that you're moving in a direction that works for you!   

[bluek9]

Welcome Exhausted gm. My heart goes out to you in many ways. I too am a grandmother, my situation is a little different than yours. My daughter is BPD 35 living with me, I'm raising her son, my grandson he is 6. Daughter is BPD, on the autism spectrum, grandson is also on the spectrum. He has only been verbal for the last 2 years. I'm so proud to be raising him, sad also at the same time. Really if he wasn't here with me I can't say where he would be due to his mothers mental issues. My BPDD is just this year becoming willing to talk about the fact that she can't deal with him or give him what he needs. A big step in self awarness for her. While we are making progress in little steps I still have to protect him on a daily basis from her verbally. She has harsh immediate expectations of him and takes out her frustration on him when he doesn't meet her demads.
   Life with BPD comes with very slow progress, baby steps, boundaries, self care. I'm so happy to hear you have a therapist, it really helps. So proud of you for using a new way to interact with her. We can find ways to be firm, set limits, of course it won't make the BPD happy. It takes practice to set limits, and practice to walk away when you recognize those limits are not being respected. You go grama! Keep up the good work.