Worried I'll regret no contact

[jnssbc202]

My BPDsis cut me out of her life about 8 months ago. She blocked me from contacting her via phone or text. I can "get around" it by e-mailing her. I've e-mailed her twice since she cut me out of her life. The first time, she used "emotional blackmail" and the second time she ignored my e-mail. I did not invite her to my wedding, which is in just under 3 weeks. I was feeling confident about my decision until a couple of days ago when my mom used "emotional blackmail" to try to get me to invite my BPDsis to my wedding. After posting about the topic here a couple of days ago, reading about FOG, going to therapy, etc, I was finally confident again in my decision not to invite her. Then, today, a friend asked me if I'd invite my BPDsis to my wedding if my sister was to "reach out and be the first to apologize." I know she didn't mean to, but my friend's words felt like a stab to my heart. It felt like she minimized this whole experience to a disagreement and that I was just being stubborn about inviting my sister to my wedding. It's not that AT ALL. My sister has been verbally attacking me and she cut me out of her life. I love my sister and I WISH thing were different right now. I finally felt my grounding again, had a great day with my fiance, and then took a break from wedding planning and house renovations to eat and watch some TV. It happened to be an episode where one sister tried to reconcile with another sister after 40 years of not talking. I immediately started crying. I don't want to miss 40 years of my sister's life and I don't want her to miss my life either. I love my sister very much. At the same time, I don't want to go back to her verbal abuse. I think I deserve better. Also, from my understanding of BPD, it's best for my BPDsis's health (and mine) if I stick to my boundaries. For those of you who are no contact (is "NC" the abbreviation for that?), whether it was your choice or the pwBPD's choice, do you ever worry that you'll regret being in no contact? If not, why? If yes, how do you cope with being in no contact and why are you still in no contact?

[Teno]

I know it is not a good feeling.

It is so hard. I'm split in two ends. Any contact with my MIL and SIL now is just not good for me. MIL plays games and cause havoc and paints me black. I'm happy to not have contact but it is my W's mom. My W still wants a perfect relationship  but that just opens the doors for dysfunction. We can have a perfect day and I can sense something changed in my W. Only to discover the MIL did her thing again.
My MIL still things nothing happened and will brake the boundaries again.

I've a fear that I might be blamed in the future that it was my fault that W and her Mom could not spend time together. I eventually put my foot down. The first time the MIL complained of a heart attack and I was thinking: If she dies now my marriage is over. SIL got into the picture and turned my wife against me.
At some point it was SIL, MIL and W against me!

I was Full time dad at the time and I really needed that family support. I just had to suck it up and get on with it. Even from being emotionally strong it erodes your inner person.

I'm just looking after my mind and making myself strong and doing everything to make our marriage bond as strong as possible. I'm in T to make me understand how I fit into this picture. I wish I got a T with the correct experience the first time.

Being you sister will make it so hard.

[RDMaggie]

That is such a difficult decision to reach, I can understand why you are struggling.

Keep in mind that your friend is probably weighing your decision based off of her own experiences, which likely have been with typical siblings/relatives as opposed to a person with BPD.

What is your fiancés opinion on the matter?
If you reconcile later in life do you feel like you can live with yourself if you don't invite her?
If you do backtrack and invite her can you live with yourself if your wedding has hiccups induced by her?

[Feeling Better]

Hello jnssbc202, can I first of all say how sorry I am to read about the situation that you currently find yourself in. What should be one of the happiest times in your life is being negatively affected by, I would guess, well meaning friends and family.

I can relate to how you felt when your friend suggested that if your sister reached out and apologised then you could invite her to your wedding. It’s just not that simple is it? I had a similar situation with my brother just before Christmas. My uBPD son has been n/c with me for over a year now and Christmas has, for the last 5-6 years, been a difficult time for him. My brother phoned me (very unusual) and offered me, in his words, brotherly advice. Basically, based on what my interfering mother had told him, he said that he thought I ought to invite my son for Christmas as everybody falls out and that I, as his mother, should be the one to make the first move and apologise. After I’d explained to him that I had apologised to my son (numerous times) but it had had no effect whatsoever, he said that he realised he hadn’t been told the full facts. Your friend means well but just doesn’t ‘get it’. Who would, unless they’d seen the behaviour first hand?

Regarding your questions about being n/c:
The last thing I wanted to happen was for my son to cut me out of his life and I would have moved heaven and earth for that to not happen. But happen it did and I have had to come to terms with it. It was his choice to do that. My choice is how I respond to that and how I deal with it.

I mostly spend time on the Son or Daughter suffering from BPD board and what is very often talked about over there is acceptance. Accepting that what is... .IS. That is how I have learned to live my life without my son. I’m not sure if that answers your questions but I hope that you are able to move forward regarding your sister without feeling any guilt or blame x

[DaughterOfHera]

I'm so sorry that you're in this predicament.  I send you understanding.  I send you wishes for a beautiful, safe wedding.  It's good that you are connecting with others on this site who have been in similar situations.  It's good that you are asking questions and trying to be realistic while loving.

I've gone NC with my uBPDmother.  I gave her the choice to reconnect if she decides to get PROFESSIONAL help, though I know she is not likely to ever do this... .her illness is more important to her than healthy relationships, and I am not skilled enough nor powerful enough to cure her behaviours.   No matter my choices, she will continue to be ill and affect my life badly.  My dSchizophrenicSis went NC with our whole family.  I've found pros and cons to NC with both. 

Lack of understanding seems to be the biggest challenge, for me.  Like the case with your friend, others seem to have a need to diminish the situation, replacing the reality of it with something less scary to them.  This creates further loneliness for me, because I can no longer have meaningful conversations with those people... .they are not up for understanding (and it doesn't belong to them anyway).

Loneliness is constant, because it just tears everyone apart, each of us in our separate directions.  I've had to replace my family.  The loneliness has always been there for our family, though, whether C or NC... .I'm on my own in either case.  I'd at least like to be safe.

Safety is paramount, in actions and in words... .I am safer without my family members.  This at least helps me on my road to recovery.  While I'm incredibly sad that I don't have a mother and sister in my life, the truth is that I didn't anyway... .their illnesses ALWAYS prevented them from fulfilling those roles.  At least with safety, I can learn how to honour myself, honour those who are actually safe to be around, and move through my days in ease.  While I feel tortured and guilty about not being able to cure my family and care for them (especially my little sister), and I desperately want people in my life in those roles, I need to be honest with myself and understand that I am not up for living under daily abuse and chaos.

I tried for many years to make things work.  I gave it a good shot.  I failed.  Others have managed some semblance of family life despite illness and behaviours.  I am always amazed at my mother's sister's family... .my aunt has BPD and yet manages to keep her family loyal and (kind of) functioning despite her constant bad bahaviours with them.  Who knows what things will look like for your family down the road?

Ultimately, no one can tell you how things will be for you and your family, regardless of which choices you make, nor what would be the best thing for you.  The reality is that abusive people are hard to deal with, and abusive family are even harder.  For what it's worth, I hope my sharing has provided you with something helpful, if not an answer.  Good luck with your decisions, here, jnssbc202.   

[madeline7]

A friend of mine literally asked me that question this past weekend, if I will regret my decision to go NC with my elderly uBPDm. The surprising element was my response. Although I am still overcome with FOG at times, I feel that the stronger regret would be the feeling that I should have gone NC sooner, regret that I allowed myself to be subjected to years of emotional trauma, regret that I did not stand up for myself and practice compassionate self care. This is a real change for me. I don't know if this is relevant or not, but I am in my early 60's and just worn out, and want to go into my "senior" years a happier and healthier person, surrounded by those who care for me. Time is too precious, and I have seen that nothing ever changes with my uBPDm and my FOO. Best wished on your upcoming marriage!

[Notwendy]

I didn't go NC with my BPD mother but I am LC. At one point, I felt I had to start to set boundaries with BPD mother, but this also affected the extended family who are connected to her. As you know, having one family member with dysfunction can involve other members who are participating in the drama triangle and who also may be enabling the person.

Some of the results of my setting boundaries were unexpected. When my BPD mother got angry at me, she rallied other members to "her side" ( as pwBPD may do). I was not expecting her to be as successful as she was with this - I did not know the extent of their enmeshment.

My answer to this question is yes, I have some regrets, but it was a decision based on what I might regret more. To keep my mother "happy" with me meant not having boundaries, not standing up for myself and basically allowing her to continue her mistreating me.  I had to choose what I would have regretted more.

I recall an email my father sent me when my mother was angry at me. He said he wanted us to be a "happy family" again. Well that meant my mother needed to be happy. ( not that appeasing her was more than temporary- as is her happiness when she is appeased ) Nobody asked me if I was happy, nor seemed to be concerned about my happiness, not were they concerned that my mother was verbally abusive to me.

I chose my own sanity.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again jnssbc202! 

Hang on tight! You are on an emotional roller coaster just with planning a wedding, let alone all the drama and extra stress that comes along with it.   

As the other posters have shared, it is tough to hear such triggering statements from someone who cares but doesn't really understand. I'm sorry for the added stress this brought to you when your decision was so fresh and new. I think that as we begin to work through what BPD is and how it has affected us, we tend to be very vulnerable for so many steps of the way. That's okay. We all go through this. Be kind to yourself as much as you can.

I can imagine your inner little child needs to stay safe at her own wedding. What can you do to help her know you'll keep her safe? How is she feeling?

 
Wools

[jnssbc202]

BPD family, thank you all for your support. I took the past few days to reflect on your comments, thinking about what I would regret more and accepting what IS. Once again, just as I felt confident in my decision not to invite her, something else happened... .my dad started pressuring me to invite her. I kinda knew not to call my dad - I had a feeling he would start with me. At the same time, I didn't want my BPDsis to further negatively impact my relationship with my parents. I don't want to avoid talking to my parents now because of this. The phone call went well until he said something like "please, I am asking you, do me a favor and invite your sister." After saying no, he asked again. I said no again and he asked again. Throughout the "conversation" (it was really him talking and squashing my words and emotions), I got more and more and more and more upset to the point that I ended up screaming at him. This is not me. I don't scream. I have calm discussions with people. I know how to walk away when things get heated I am good at diffusing things when they get heated. I just can't anymore. I am breaking down. Physically and mentally I am breaking down. For years, my family has pressured me to do things because "[my] sister is sick." What about me? What about my health? Just because I don't throw a fit, I don't manipulate, etc... .just because I stay calm(ish)... .doesn't mean I don't have needs. In the end, my dad said he agrees with my decision not to invite her, said he understands my situation (he's been estranged from his brother for a while now and keeps saying that he won't beg his brother to talk to him again and that he won't accept his brother's abuse just because he's sick), and reminded me that he was the first to tell me not to invite my sister (that's not why I didn't invite her, btw). It's still not enough, though. Why get me to the point where I am shaking so much (I haven' stopped shaking since I hung up with him an hour ago), feel like I can't breathe, am incredibly sick to my stomach, and have a massive headache before listening to me? Why do I have to remind him that a wedding alone is enough stress; that a miscarriage alone is enough stress; that a BPD sister is enough stress; that I am coping with ALL THREE and don't need my parents to add to that stress 17 days before my wedding? Why aren't they pressuring my BPDsis to reach out to me rather than me invite her even though I have already reached out to her twice? Why don't my boundaries count? I am at a loss. I have gone numb at this point.

[Teno]

Why aren't they pressuring my BPDsis to reach out to me rather than me invite her even though I have already reached out to her twice?

I fully understand and I know how it eats away at us.

I'm also a relaxed person and don't go around lying, screaming, faking... ., but I also had a moment with my Dad and Mom defending my MIL's actions and saying I should make the peace. Something I've already done a few times! Just makes me feel all    not good.

The reason my W gave me for backing her mom was: You're the path of least resistance!] I always considered my W's relationship with her mom, but no one ever cared much about my needs or how it affects us as a family.

It's your wedding and people should be catering after your needs!

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you. For mos people, it is very hard to understand just how bad it is for the family members of someone with BPD.
The hardest part, came be that the other members of the family make you the problem, and friends do not often understand how anyone could disown a family member because they have never been subject to this kind of abuse. I support you in making the best decisions for your well being regarding your relationship with your borderline sister.

[psyche]

Wow reading this thread I can relate to a lot of what you all said. I’ve joined this forum because my brother has BPD traits and in the past years our parents has been unfairly expecting me to be the one accepting all the mistreatments. They said that I’m the adult and he’s the child (we are just a few years apart and around 30 years old), that he has issues so I should be careful around him.

At first I also walked on eggshells and things were fine. But in a few times I didn’t accept what he did and our parents turned against me, pressuring me to assume I’m the wrong one. This included how they wanted me to side with him during a conflict between him and my husband.

My brother would go NC for some months when we had conflicts, but this last one is taking a worse turn with him actually taking revenge by excluding me in a family event he knew I cared. I was shocked that he is actually capable of malice, and my parents who participated didn’t bother to care and even blamed me when I voiced it.

What about my feelings? This is a question I rarely asked until the past events. Usually I have to care and be sensitive of other people’s feelings specially my narcissistic mother and my BPD brother that I never really been in the spotlight. But in these moments I do feel that my feelings are not cared for.

I too wonder if having fewer contact is better for me. It’s just stressful to have to deal with all this. Even worse is when I tried to avoid conflicts yet they end up happening anyways. Unless I become completely agreedable, I don’t think that we could co-exist happily.

[CollectedChaos]

Nobody asked me if I was happy, nor seemed to be concerned about my happiness, not were they concerned that my mother was verbally abusive to me.

Yes, this.  I had the same realization, ironically enough also due to an email from my dad telling me that I needed to "apologize" to my BPD mom and make it right with her, even though she was the one who was verbally abusive (and at this point they were divorced!).  There wasn't even a thought to my feelings or what I wanted - it was expected that I would do as I was told to keep the peace. 

There are times when I worry about the same thing - will I regret going NC with my mom?  I think ultimately my answer is no, though.  While it really does suck that I don't have a mom in the way others do, and that the relationship between her and I will never be healthy, I am proud of my decision to walk away from all of the dysfunction and start figuring out myself and my fleas.  If things change, I am open to resuming contact with her on a limited basis, but I am pretty confident that will never happen.  I'm working on accepting that reality (that my mom never was, and never will be, capable of a healthy relationship - she acted in the only way she knew how and unfortunately that was unhealthy and overall pretty damaging to me) and moving forward.  It is what it is.

[Panda39]

... .my dad started pressuring me to invite her. I kinda knew not to call my dad - I had a feeling he would start with me. At the same time, I didn't want my BPDsis to further negatively impact my relationship with my parents. I don't want to avoid talking to my parents now because of this. The phone call went well until he said something like "please, I am asking you, do me a favor and invite your sister." After saying no, he asked again. I said no again and he asked again. Throughout the "conversation" (it was really him talking and squashing my words and emotions), I got more and more and more and more upset to the point that I ended up screaming at him.

I just wanted to say I recognize your reaction here... .I have recognized with myself that I will get agitated/angry/frustrated when I am conflicted between what I "want' to do and what I feel I "should" do.  It's a tough place to be.  I want to give you permission (I've wished that I received that permission in the past) to do what you "want", your needs are just as valuable as anyone else's particularly on your wedding day.  It just sucks to be forced into this type of decision, but frankly I would like to see you have the happiest wedding day you can and have happy memories of the day, it's up to you to decide the best way to achieve that... .there are positive and negatives with either choice.

The conversation with your dad seems more about him and his issues around your sister and I think it is tied to his relationship with his brother.  His pressure on you seems to be more about his own discomfort.  I think you need to let him own his own feelings and make your decision on your own without his input.

Take Care,
Panda39